FARK.com: Blog (Drew): Why lost productivity due to March Madness is a load of crap, and some of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 3/7

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Why lost productivity due to March Madness is a load of crap, and some of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 3/7 - 3/13
Posted by Drew at 2010-03-15 1:34:08 PM (28 comments) | Permalink

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It's still a month too early to start sending out the legions of reporters to do a breathless live feed in front of long lines at the Post Office as people file their taxes, but that doesn't mean that you won't see press releases on "little-known tax loopholes" stories that are often thinly disguised advertisements for tax preparation companies.

For the next two weeks, other sports will continue to exist, and there are a lot of important things happening, but 90% of what you'll be hearing about will be related to March Madness. The annual story about the NCAA men's basketball tournament lowering worker productivity by x% should be out today, or tomorrow at the very latest (update: never mind, it's already out).

It's total crap, and here's why: every single office worker in America has already figured out the sliding scale of their workplace. On one end is how much work to do in order to be promoted, and on the other end is how little work they need to do not to get fired. Anybody with half a brain knows how to slack off while looking busy. So yeah, people will be paying attention to the tournament, but no, it's not replacing working. It's replacing the slacking off doing other crap that people were doing while looking busy but not working.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2010-03-07 to Sat 2010-03-13:

Bigfoot spotted in Maine, solid brown everywhere else

Psycho killer...signs himself...out of the ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-hospital, then he...runs runs runs runs, runs runs runs away

Large Hadron Collider misses again. This is not a repeat from 2011

Semi overturns and spills 45,000 pounds of batteries. Driver not charged

Teen shoots himself in the testicles. Bet he doesn't have the balls to do that again

7.2 magnitude earthquake stirs Chile

Thieves steal beloved hamster from school for children with autism. Students describe hamster as 18.375 cm long, weighs 197.901 grams, eats 10.34 grams of sunflower seeds per day, and has 15,728 hairs on its body

Female reporter says she doesn't feel like a woman when she's abroad

Math Teacher sentenced to [-C+π²+πlog(9/4),(-2+2e+8e²)/e] months ∈ (the prison population) for corruption of individual x where age(x) is less than 17

One in ten British children believe that the Queen invented the telephone. The remaining 90% think that she will, she will, rock you

Australia may lower the blood alcohol limit for motorists to .02, meaning they'd returned to the good old days when 98% of the residents were prisoners

Sports:

Hall of Famer Merlin Olsen passes away at 69. If only there were some way to send condolences to the funeral

Johnny Weir says Stars on Ice doesn't want him in the show because he's too gay. So apparently Stars on Ice is going with an all-female cast this year

Tiger and Elin show the world that a deep, abiding love of sponsorship money conquers all

Geek:

Yellowstone Park's Druid wolf pack is gone. Nobody knows who they were, or...what they were doing. But their legacy remains, hewn into the living rock...of Yellowstonehenge

Cisco just invented a new router that can download the entire Library of Congress in one second, every movie ever made in four minutes, all the porn on the internet in 69 years

Women with good genes have more sexual partners than those without, possibly because their butts look so damned good in them

Showbiz:

Chuck Norris would be 70 today if time wasn't afraid of him

Mario Lopez and his girlfriend are expecting their first child. Lopez says when he finds the guy responsible he's going to kick his ass

Woman whose picture appeared in "Couples Retreat" sues for humiliation, embarrassment, emotional distress, shame, mortification and injury to her career. Wouldn't that apply to everyone that appeared in that movie?

Politics:

The Clinton family thinking about putting their little one into a Jewish Marriage Ceremony. Bill reminded the last time he put his little one into something Jewish, it didn't turn out so good

Jesus, Crist is getting crucified by Marco Rubio in the Florida Senate Primary *and* by McColum in the Governor Primary. There's little chance of him coming back from the dead THIS time

Democrats already vying to be Senate majority leader next term to replace Harry Reid, who has combined the excitement of vanilla pudding with the legislative effectiveness of, well, vanilla pudding

Music:

The Melvins to release new album and go on tour, which is excting news for the dozens of fans still listening to grunge

Coming this June: Green Day Rock Band. Even on Expert level, you'll only need to use two of the buttons

Ray Charles musical set to open on Broadway this fall. Too bad he didn't live to see it

Business:

Citi plans to foreclose on a house unless the homeowner pays them $0.00. Where will he get that exorbitant amount of money?

Your Shopper loyalty card: a great way to get discounts, special offers, and warnings from the CDC that the food you just bought could make you vomit blood from your eyeballs

FCC launches its own broadband speed test site so you can see exactly how your ISP is humping you like a horny donkey

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28 Comments (+0 »)

IMEI		2010-03-15 01:44:56 PM

The only thing about March Madness that bothers me is I have to install new systems before the end of the month. Ugh.

Point02GPA		2010-03-15 01:45:17 PM

I've always said this would be a better site if we didn't have all these Headlines...and then they expect us to comment!

obzerver		2010-03-15 01:45:46 PM

This thread can't be threadjacked.

Torrentius		2010-03-15 01:49:51 PM

"Anybody with half a brain knows how to slack off while looking busy."

Do the people that actually work at fark kill time by creating accounting spreadsheets? How else could you screw around?

Unfreakable		2010-03-15 01:50:56 PM

Early favorite for next week's top headline: http://www.fark.com/cgi/comments.pl?IDLink=5104459

TNel		2010-03-15 01:51:26 PM

I find if you have a large office just get some paperwork and walk around like you have somewhere to go and just mumble to yourself. Works all the time, nobody will stop you since you look like you are mad and busy.

rufus-t-firefly		2010-03-15 01:52:19 PM

Productivity lost due to Fark is something else entirely.

FriarReb98		2010-03-15 01:52:56 PM

FTFB: every single office worker in America has already figured out the sliding scale of their workplace. On one end is how much work to do in order to be promoted, and on the other end is how little work they need to do not to get fired. Anybody with half a brain knows how to slack off while looking busy. So yeah, people will be paying attention to the tournament, but no, it's not replacing working. It's replacing the slacking off doing other crap that people were doing while looking busy but not working.

That right there is a big fat THIS. Hell, my last cubicle job involved having a mini-tv at my friend's desk come this time of year.

Theguybehindtheguy		2010-03-15 01:53:05 PM

The (not)LeBron James/Steroid headline deserves to be here...

Unfreakable		2010-03-15 01:53:27 PM

Torrentius: le that actually work at fark kill time by creating accounting spreadsheets? How else could you screw around?

When Drew's not looking, I draft 50-page long range plans that analyze market trends, research customer histories and write memos.

/please don't tell him

Point02GPA		2010-03-15 01:55:05 PM

TNel: I find if you have a large office just get some paperwork and walk around like you have somewhere to go and just mumble to yourself. Works all the time, nobody will stop you since you look like you are mad and busy.

How's having Drew as a boss working out for you?

Unfreakable		2010-03-15 01:55:12 PM

Theguybehindtheguy: The (not)LeBron James/Steroid headline deserves to be here...

It's a context headline. It's not funny until after you click the link. It'll be in the running for that sub-category this year; I've already flagged it but it's not in this list.

Witchydiva		2010-03-15 01:58:45 PM

There goes my Thursday and Friday. :)

imagecache.allposters.com

_/hot

Torrentius		2010-03-15 02:00:11 PM

Unfreakable: Torrentius: le that actually work at fark kill time by creating accounting spreadsheets? How else could you screw around?

When Drew's not looking, I draft 50-page long range plans that analyze market trends, research customer histories and write memos.

/please don't tell him

Your secret is safe with me, although I've heard he does occasionally read these threads.

ravenspore		2010-03-15 02:11:53 PM

Can't say it'll get in the way of my work. Probably cause I'm gainfully unemployed. Still I doubt it'll have the effect most reporters think.

Theguybehindtheguy		2010-03-15 02:13:00 PM

Unfreakable: It's a context headline. It's not funny until after you click the link. It'll be in the running for that sub-category this year; I've already flagged it but it's not in this list.

Hmm. Yeah I knew it wasn't funny without the underlying story, figured that's why it wasn't here. But I didn't know there was a sub-category for that kind of stuff. Cool.

theoriginalslash		2010-03-15 02:20:37 PM

I figure the time I've wasted on the job doing non-work things is nowhere close to the amount of my time my various employers have wasted having me wait on people to get out of meetings, conference calls, back from lunch, etc., in order for me to do something. I once had to wait until almost 8 PM to wait for a higher-up to get back from dinner with her family. Another time, I waited on someone to get out of a meeting until after 9 PM on a Friday night.

Add to that all the time I've wasted doing things that turned out to be useless because we were given the wrong information about something, or changing something again because the first changes they gave us were incomplete, and yeah, it's just about even on the productive work vs. time wasted by other people equation. And none of the shiat I've mentioned above is anywhere close to being within my control. I can't command people to take a shorter lunch or step out of a meeting to deal with stuff that involves me. I have to wait on them.

I don't take long lunches, I don't call in sick a lot, I don't surf porn on company machines, I don't spend half the day bullshiatting with coworkers, I don't take 15 smoke breaks a day, I don't disappear into the bathroom for 30 min. at a time, I don't drink on the job, I don't come into work late, will frequently be at work until 630-7 PM... compared to most people, I'm a model employee.

So the occasions on which I do non-work stuff are justifiable. My bosses may not agree, so it's a good thing I'm not asking them. I figure if my farking off periods start to affect my job, they'll let me know. 10 years and counting... so far so good.

Torrentius		2010-03-15 02:29:53 PM

theoriginalslash: I don't take long lunches, I don't call in sick a lot, I don't surf porn on company machines, I don't spend half the day bullshiatting with coworkers, I don't take 15 smoke breaks a day, I don't disappear into the bathroom for 30 min. at a time, I don't drink on the job, I don't come into work late, will frequently be at work until 630-7 PM... compared to most people, I'm a model employee.

You need to be less motivated. People know you'll pull up their slack.

PlusCestLaMeme		2010-03-15 03:16:08 PM

What, no love for Blast in Lahore takes at least 39 lives, costs extra?

Unfreakable		2010-03-15 03:26:51 PM

Theguybehindtheguy: Hmm. Yeah I knew it wasn't funny without the underlying story, figured that's why it wasn't here. But I didn't know there was a sub-category for that kind of stuff. Cool.

It's new this year. I didn't have a way to flag them in years past, but I do now.

CornFedIowan		2010-03-15 03:28:17 PM

Wow, my second HOTW in a row. Thanks, benevolent modmins.

Unfreakable		2010-03-15 03:30:57 PM

PlusCestLaMeme: What, no love for Blast in Lahore takes at least 39 lives, costs extra?

It didn't quite make the cut. I liked it, but perhaps it was too subtle. If you favorite that headline, though, I usually do a nomination thread at the end of the year.

StrikitRich		2010-03-15 03:42:07 PM

One in ten British children believe that the Queen invented the telephone. The remaining 90% think that she will, she will, rock you

Huh, missed that headline, might be the Champion.

689908		2010-03-15 05:12:53 PM

I would like to be able to read comments on threads I submitted but were not approved.

And no, I won't pay $5 for it. I already waste half my life here as it is.