From Unfreakable:

No posting from Drew this week, so here are the unadorned headlines for your entertainment.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2010-02-21 to Sat 2010-02-27:

  America ranked laziest country in the wor    

  Beer doctor once again proves to be a better job than gynecologist, probably because you don't get as tired of the bitter, yeasty notes in beer    

  Women passes away at 93 leaving 15 children, 200 grandchildren and 2000 great-grandchildren. Funeral procession to be one hearse and 317 Suvs    

  Obama proposes Great Lakes cleanup, which presumably involves relocating Detroit to Nebraska    

  Britain's National Health Service spent £4 million funding four homeopathic hospitals last year. Suggestion: this year, give each hospital £10, and tell them it will work better because it's diluted    

  Scientists discover area of western North Atlantic where trash tends to accumulate, naming it "Quebec"    

  Bus driver rescues woman from storm sewer. Still not sure how she got Kramden there    

  North Korean rice shipment to the Republic of Congo found to contain a suspicious level of T-55 tank parts. Authorities tipped off by the unlikelyhood of North Korea having any extra rice to ship anywhere    

  Dumb jock image is a myth, athletes do well academically. Those swirlies they gave you were just a demonstration of the coriolis effect    

  Legless man plants explosive device at NYC train station. Now the trains aren't running either    

  Gordon Brown insists Britain not involved in torture, conveniently forgetting the cuisine    


Sports:

  Johnny Damon claims that the Tigers were his "first choice", forgets to add "...after the Yankees, the White Sox, and the Braves"    

  Sandy Koufax dashes Mets fans hopes by announcing he was only at spring training to give the pitchers advice, not compete for the number 4 spot in the rotation    

  Hillary Duff announces engagement to NHL player Mike Comrie. Comrie celebrated with mild checking against the boards before going five-hole    


Geek:

  'The Man of Steel' goes platinum. A copy of Action Comics #1 sells for $1 million. Meanwhile, your boxes of X-titles have proven to be adequate shelf supports in the garage    

  Physicist calls on Hollywood to tone down the fanciful science in movies and restrict themselves to just one scientific flaw per film. Also have intermissions every 12 parsecs so people can use the restroom    

  Descartes letter found, therefore it is    


Showbiz:

  Kim Kardashian annoyed by marriage rumors, Bajorans    

  Pixar turns down "Newt." They got better    

  Max Max Max Headroom is coming to to to to to DVD D D D D    


Politics:

  Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid would win election if the health care bill kept the public option, according to poll commissioned by the progressive group Committee for Providing Hints to Dumbasses    

  Support for labor unions among Americans, which was as high as 58 percent in 2007, is down to 41 percent. A spokesman for unions is expected to respond after his break    

  Bush says he won't be an annoying ex-president to President Obama like a certain one was to him. Yes, he's looking at you Mr. Habitat for Hamas    


Music:

  George Michael seen hanging out with Rob Thomas, fueling rumors there's money in the banana stand    

  Johnny Cash releases yet another new album, is said to be considering a duet record with Tupac as his next project    

  Muse says the decision by Warner to pull free songs from the net "issssss dis-aaapoiiiiiiiinnnting"    


Business:

  Reader's Digest condenses Chapter 11    

  Magic Johnson calls off plan to acquire struggling publisher of Ebony and Jet magazines, says he couldn't guarantee black ink    

  WellPoint CEO testifies before Congressional Death Panel. The execution was televised    
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