by Unfreakable:

No writeup this week, Drew was up half the night in Las Vegas at his combined birthday party/Fark party/Super Bowl party. He'll probably be back after the hangover subsides.

Until then, here are some of the better headlines from last week:

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2010-01-31 to Sat 2010-02-06:

  Scientists find that overeating is as addictive as cocaine. Except the high is nowhere near as awesome, and when you're done you don't end up in a hotel bed with naked strangers    

  Abstinence-only education works. Suck it, non-believers. Or anal, if that's your thing    

  Colin Powell joins Mike Mullen in favoring repeal of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" rule, offering much-needed support from the non-Navy sector of the armed forces    

  Two die when car crashes into casino. Driver put behind: Bar...Bar...Bar    

  Sharks kill surfer at Florida beach. Jets promise a swift and choreographed retaliation    

  Shark attack victim was a veteran windsurfer, good husband to his wife, loving father to his children, pal to his friends, and chum to shark    

  UN: Global warming has put 55% of the Netherlands underwater. Netherlands: We think we would have noticed that    

  Iowa man arrested for possession of methamphetamine and steroids. Neighbors became suspicious when they noticed him lifting his car off the ground to vacuum his driveway at 3 AM    

  Employers refuse to hire Generation Y workers because they lack a work ethic and spend too much time talking to frien--- Hold on, I have to take this    

  After student sent home from Louisiana high school for wearing a Colts jersey, his parents call the ACLU -- proving that like their team, Indy fans are really only good at working the officials    

  Skateboarding while texting is not a crime... though the law of averages will eventually catch up with you    


Sports:

  There's no 'Vanessa Perroncel' in 'team', but apparently there *was* a team in Vanessa Perroncel    

  Rex Ryan hears the word that the bird will cost him $50K. Papa-ooma-mow-mow, papa-ooma-mow-mow, ooma-mow-mow, papa-ooma-mow-mow    

  Tiger Woods has left sex rehab, now faces a dismal life of having drunken sex on a huge pile of cash with only his beautiful blonde Swedish wife. Poor guy    


Geek:

  Proving everything that Texas fans have ever said about them; a researcher at Texas A&M has found that Viagra is useful for sheep as well    

  Carbonite reveals chemistry of ancient seawater, Han Solo's facial expression    

  Injected fruit juice liquifies tumors, makes delicious cancer smoothie    


Showbiz:

  Kim Kardashian says she has not gotten a nose job, remains silent on what happened to her cranial ridges and the spoon-shape on her forehead    

  Adam Lambert claims he's bi-curious. So now's your chance, girls    

  Soap opera star Frances Reid dies at age 95. Will return in a few months with amnesia, marry her rapist, have an affair with her stepson, get divorced, turn evil, and die again. Surprise! It's really her twin    


Politics:

  Obama to cut farm subsidies, threatening one of three remaining bastions of communism in the Western hemisphere, the others being Cuba and the Pennsylvania liquor system    

  Rahm Emmanuel will host a group of special needs people at the White House. The hard part will be telling them apart from the Congressional delegations    

  Statue of President Obama as a 10-year-old boy to be removed from public park in Jakarta after people complain that he wasn't even born there. LOL - what kind of backwards country throws such a fit about where Obama was born?    


Music:

  Rush rumored to perform in Vancouver Winter Olympics opening ceremony. In other news, ethnic make up of Rush concert audiences unchanged    

  Ringo Starr says he found God. Steady beat still elusive    

  Jack White to record with Dolly Parton. That's gotta be one helluva recording studio to contain three boobs that big    


Business:

  Euro falls to 7-month low against the dollar on news that the fate of the entire European Union is in the hands of a country with an economy based on goat cheese and olives    

  Former CEO of Bank of America charged with fraud, $39 overdraft fee, $10 notification fee, $25 low balance fee, and $7 loss fee    

  Environmental activists would like makers of household cleaners to tell us exactly what's in them. Cleaner industry says we should simply trust them not to put anything harmful in there, and to enjoy the new lemony-carcinogeny scent    
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