Well, I guess she has "A" leg to stand on...

[insert one-leg joke here]

Brick-House: Well, I guess she has "A" leg to stand on...

...and there it is!

So...

Her alimony dried up?

/15:01:00.00 WHY ISN'T HER CLOCK STOPPING???!?

[ ] CABO
[x] DETROIT
[ ] THE CONGO

Paul was such a dumbass for marrying this coont

Subby Zing!

Late one night on an off off channel, I saw a 'reality' TV show about contestants competing for a modeling gig. All the contestants had some sort of handicap. As much as I love a trainwreck even I couldn't watch the whole thing. Can't remember the name of the show, but if you want a 'reality' show without spray-on freakiness, you should try and find it. I think it might have been a British show.

Plus a million Subby!!!11!111111 That just made me lol after an incredibly shiatty day (and it's not even close to over).

They could do a feature on single-sided deafness then premiere the episode in Mono.

HOTW, _IMHO.

freetomato: Does anyone know why the link seems to be farked? I am stumped.

Huhrrrrr!

Being disabled sucks. How many people are going to tune in for a weekly dose of this? (Great classic SNL skit)

Link (new window)


87c: Dabney Coleman / The Cars

The Winning Spirit

Deborah.....Jan Hooks
Hal Everett.....Dabney Coleman

Deborah: Hello, and welcome to "The Winning Spirit", the show that profiles those special individuals who have surmounted the odds and inspired us all. Now, our scheduled guest, Barry Ripley, the one-legged soccer player, couldn't make it tonight. But Mr. Hal Everett, who is sightless, has agreed to step in at the last minute. Thank you so much, Hal.

Hal Everett: Yeah. Right.

Deborah: Now, Hal.. you lost your sight in a freak accident, is that right?

Hal Everett: Yeah. that's, uh.. that's right, uh.. what's your name again?

Deborah: Deborah.

Hal Everett: Deborah, it happened about six years ago - I don't really want to go into the details, but it was porcupine-oriented.

Deborah: I'm sure it was a terrible blow. But you've learned to overcome your blindness, haven't you?

Hal Everett: Overcome it?

Deborah: Yeah.

Hal Everett: What is that, a joke?

Deborah: Well.. no. I mean, I'm sure you still have a fulfilling life, right?

Hal Everett: Doing what? Listening to a sunset? Didn't they tell you, honey? I'm blind, okay? Hello! Blind! Where are you? Can't see you!

Deborah: I.. understand that, but.. given everything, isn't blindness just one more obstacle to overcome?

Hal Everett: Yeah, right. I'll tell you what, why don't you try it for about a day and a half?

Deborah: Okay.. well.. I'm sure it's very challenging.. But what about the positives? We've had guests who've mentioned special advantages blind people have. For example, your other senses are heightened, aren't they?

Hal Everett: Oh, yeah. Yeah, they're great. I can smell a little better now, that really comes in handy on the subway every day. Not to mention, the hearing, of course, you know? So, let's figure this one out - I can hear crickets chirp a little louder than you can, and you can see? Yeahhh.. that sounds fair. That's a fair trade-off. Thanks, God!

Deborah: Well, of course.. nothing could compensate for it.. but.. you must be grateful to have your loyal seeing-eye dog, right? I mean, isn't there a special close relationship there that sighted people just can't appreciate?

Hal Everett: Well, first of all, on the dog - he doesn't like me, and I don't like him. And, when it rains, of course, that's really great, because I get to use that enhanced sense of smell we were talking about, that's a wonderful thing.

Deborah: Right.. right.. well, what about your sense of touch? Now, that must be useful. Here, I'm going to take your hand.. [ rubs his hand across her face ]

Hal Everett: No, no, no, no, no! Don't do that, okay? That's like out of some bad movie. [ awkward pause ] Did I get it in your nose?

Deborah: No! [ struggling to keep the interview alive ] You mentioned God earlier. Now, you haven't lost faith in God, have you?

Hal Everett: No, no, no. I stil believe there's a God, no question about that. I just hate his guts right now.

Deborah: Alright. Well, you're a little bitter, Hal, no doubt about it. But you haven't let it stop you from living a normal life, have you, Hal?

Hal Everett: Well, yeah.. I'm pretty much dead in the water, I'd say. Mostly, I just hang around the house and drink a lot of beer. That's about it.

Deborah: Perhaps you have some advice for other handicapped people out there, something you'd like to say to those who might be asking, "Why me?"

Hal Everett: Mmm. Well.. I guess I could say, "Join the club, fellas. We're screwed. Why you? Why me?"

Deborah: You know something? You're a horrible man, you know that? I mean, a few weeks ago we had a blind horseshoe pitcher on, and he was just wonderful! And then we had a blind skydiver, and he has managed to adapt!

Hal Everett: Well, they're insane, honey, they've got no grip on reality. Guys, you're blind! Okay? Calm down! Stop embarrassing the rest of us! What is it that you people want, anyway? Do you want us to perform for you, is that it?

Deborah: No!

Hal Everett: Well, I'll tell you what, why don't I just do a little dance for you, okay? [ stands up and dances like a jackass ]

Deborah: No! No! Stop it! [ starts crying ]

Hal Everett: Are you crying?

Deborah: [ between tears ] Yes!

Hal Everett: Ah, she's crying. Alright, will you stop it? Look, I'm sorry. I'll think of something that's nice to say about blind people, okayt?

Deborah: [ calming her tears ] Okay.

Hal Everett: Something like, okay, "If you go blind, it's not so bad, you get a nice tax thing, a little deduction there. Oh, yeah, and you can look right at an eclipse, that's no problem."

Deborah: Well, that was very inspiring, Hal. Uh.. we'll be back next week with Tim O'Grady, the legless, armles songwriter, who I promise is not bitter, and he'll make you feel good about your life.

[ fade out ]

I used to date a girl who was amputated from midway between her wrist and elbow on her left arm and just above the knee on the left leg. When she was 2 years old, she was part way out of her car door when her father drove forward and the door hit a car coming in the other direction. After the accident, her limbs were still attached by a little bit of skin, but were unusable and had to be removed.

As much as I'd like to give you all a feel good account about how great she was in bed, she wasn't. It was very difficult to get past her amputations, and although I tried to deny that her stumps were distracting, I probably didn't hide it very well. I thought that it would make her feel better about herself if I showed her how much I accepted her so I licked her arm stump, but she just jerked it away from me and said, "Don't do that!" She was really passive, and just lay there with her eyes closed moaning softly the whole time. She refused to allow me to perform oral sex on her and she was unenthusiastic about performing it on me.

We stopped seeing each other after about 6 months. It was a little strange because we didn't formally break up. We just called each other less and less until there was no contact at all.

/cool story, bro?

Stumpskank.

That is all.

The English Major: freetomato: Does anyone know why the link seems to be farked? I am stumped.

Well, it hopped right up for me.

Should I feel bad about writing this headline?

Lame.

She could run the second season of "Piratemaster"

I loves me some J-Woww, sir.

Atomic Spunk: I licked her arm stump

I wonder if she would have responded in a more positive fashion had you nibbled on it a bit.

Sounds like we got a situation!

/Ugh. I hate myself.

We only briefly cared about you because you married a Beatle. We've realised you're a crazy biatch and seen the old naked photos.

Anything we wanted from you is now gone. Now please, fark off you one-legged attention whore.