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(Telegraph)   I'm coming at this with an open kimono, but we should probably touch base offline because you definitely need a bite of the reality sandwich   (telegraph.co.uk ) divider line
    More: Stupid, office workers, Plain English Campaign, reality sandwich, buzzwords, recruiters, snacks, sandwiches  
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18042 clicks; posted to Main » on 08 Jan 2010 at 11:52 AM (6 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



213 Comments     (+0 »)
 


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2010-01-08 01:44:18 PM  
looks like this is just a case of internal slang and in-jokes being used outside the company.
 
2010-01-08 01:44:39 PM  

gorgor: APPROVES
http://tinyurl.com/yehen5s
(copy and paste, NSFW)


The Great Santini approves of your shenanigans...
 
2010-01-08 01:49:03 PM  
I see no problem with open kimonos.

www.naturalblush.com
 
2010-01-08 01:50:18 PM  

mofomisfit: forresttriax: mofomisfit: forresttriax: At least it's not another sports analogy brought into business language. The worst is when our American project manager uses a term like "it's fourth and inches" with one of our German vendors. The vendor asks me to translate. It makes no sense so I spend two hours explaining how American football works. Hmmm... maybe that was the clever plan all along the manager just bought himself 2 farking hours!

Couldn't you just say "It's a sports analogy that means we're very close to our goal?"

Yes, if our goal is to get four more chance to reach our objective.

Or if your goal is the end zone?


Well then I think the proper phrase would be "fourth and goal". Either you score or you fail. When you say "fourth and inches" I think you mean you only have to make a small amount of progress and now have bought some time to make more progress towards the final goal. That's why it was difficult to explain to someone with no understanding of the game.
 
2010-01-08 01:51:28 PM  
Let's throw it into bed with Maddona and see if she sleeps with it.
 
2010-01-08 01:53:06 PM  

forresttriax: mofomisfit: forresttriax: mofomisfit: forresttriax: At least it's not another sports analogy brought into business language. The worst is when our American project manager uses a term like "it's fourth and inches" with one of our German vendors. The vendor asks me to translate. It makes no sense so I spend two hours explaining how American football works. Hmmm... maybe that was the clever plan all along the manager just bought himself 2 farking hours!

Couldn't you just say "It's a sports analogy that means we're very close to our goal?"

Yes, if our goal is to get four more chance to reach our objective.

Or if your goal is the end zone?

Well then I think the proper phrase would be "fourth and goal". Either you score or you fail. When you say "fourth and inches" I think you mean you only have to make a small amount of progress and now have bought some time to make more progress towards the final goal. That's why it was difficult to explain to someone with no understanding of the game.


Ah, clearly I fail at sports analogies.
 
2010-01-08 01:57:18 PM  

Shakespeare's Monkey: What an open kimono might look like, PNSFW.

My current aspiration is to strategically leverage a position in a turn-key and future-proof global marketplace, thereby utilizing the synergistic funtionalities inherent to a skills ecosystem that orchestrates and proceduralizes mission-critical marketecture. By incentivizing team players during deep dive endeavors and pathfinder projects, I frequently invoke a tactical paradigm shift that focuses on promulgating leading-edge methodologies. Although rallying the troops is often outsourced, a strong disintermediator can empower such a matrixed skill set, and can ramp-up the human capital, allowing the team to catch the moving train as it traverses the value stream. By garnering low-hanging fruit, I will ultimately break through the glass ceiling, and capitalize on recontextualization of robust enterprise key reinforcement areas such as recognizing the criticality of monetizing scalable fiscal metrics. Also, by mitigating show-stoppers, and focusing on the long pole in the tent, I will keep from getting behind the 8 ball. Finally, I plan to hypertask, rack and stack responsibilities, and propagate enablers who can drill down into core competencies and bird dog soft money opportunities; all while simultaneously weaving myself a golden parachute and avoiding being surplussed.


We have some lazy-ass brown-nosing paper tigers in our office too. I'd offer to trade tips with you, but I'm busy farking.
 
2010-01-08 01:58:13 PM  
My fave is "You might as well try to tie a fart to a moonbeam."
 
2010-01-08 01:58:26 PM  
In my anal annual review with my former boss I tried the metaphor "fark you and the horse you rode in on"
Unfortunately he did understand it....

perhaps I should have just put some lipstick on that pig
 
2010-01-08 02:02:53 PM  

TippySheraton: Boyfriend hates it when I say "six of one, half a dozen of the other". Says it makes him think too much. Luvz dum guyz.


Howe YOO dooin'?
 
2010-01-08 02:03:40 PM  

J_Marshall: I have a manager that is always using the phrase 'pump my brakes.' As in, "When I hear that the data isn't confirmed, that's when I start to pump my breaks on the direction we're headed."

/need to come up with a good response.


Tell him "that's really going to screw with our ABS."
 
2010-01-08 02:05:21 PM  

family.go.com
Lets not beat around the tankard, we've got some serious revisioning to get done. There's a pack of snow mexicans hounding our dead-zone and I'll be damned if they end up thawing their broomsticks on my humidifier. I know this all looks like Uncle Bill and turkey, but if we just grind that horsey, I know she'll kick. Now game on like the lube's almost up so we can grease this pig from the inside!

 
2010-01-08 02:07:30 PM  

Banned on the Run: TippySheraton: Boyfriend hates it when I say "six of one, half a dozen of the other". Says it makes him think too much. Luvz dum guyz.

Howe YOO dooin'?


Sounds like a jack of all trades...
and master of none.
 
2010-01-08 02:09:06 PM  

phaed003: Rugdumph gro_Shurgak: I don't comprehense any problem with linguonic adoptation. I heartily invitate the avocation of modernal consumaration.

It's like this thread was made specifically for you.


I see that your intentions are well thought and precise, but remember there are farking cats everywhere.....
 
2010-01-08 02:10:46 PM  

trippdogg: Anyone else notice Brent Musberger use the phrase "Money Shot" during last night's game? Definitely a person that shouldn't be associated with that phrase in any manner.


You are LOOKING LIVE! at the Brent Musburger drinking game (new window).

/threadjack over
 
2010-01-08 02:12:36 PM  
i257.photobucket.com
 
2010-01-08 02:15:41 PM  
That data might be from my anatomical database, but it's like herding cats around here.
 
2010-01-08 02:23:19 PM  

tuna fingers: My favorite is, "There's no need to turn this rape into a murder."


Unless your name is Glenn Beck circa 1990.

What? Why has he not addressed these allegations?

//Corp speak makes me farking twitch hard.
 
2010-01-08 02:23:38 PM  

Rodddxl: J_Marshall: I have a manager that is always using the phrase 'pump my brakes.' As in, "When I hear that the data isn't confirmed, that's when I start to pump my breaks on the direction we're headed."

/need to come up with a good response.

"Brakes don't change direction, they change velocity. Perhaps you should try the round thingy right in front of you...no, that's the horn. It doesn't change direction either. It makes people in front of you flip you off, like this...Oops, sorry."


Winner
 
2010-01-08 02:26:45 PM  

Donnchadha: TippySheraton: Boyfriend hates it when I say "six of one, half a dozen of the other". Says it makes him think too much. Luvz dum guyz.

You should flip it to really confuse him. "Half of one, six dozen of the other"


or "Three of one, quarter dozen of another
 
2010-01-08 02:29:20 PM  
Sine yo pitty on the runny kine?
 
2010-01-08 02:30:43 PM  
s237.photobucket.com
 
2010-01-08 02:32:11 PM  
LAUGHTER OL
 
2010-01-08 02:33:19 PM  
Shakespeare's Monkey, I thought a pentametric fan only consisted of five hydrocoptic marzelvanes.
 
2010-01-08 02:36:54 PM  

zcat: Nina9: The company I work for recently fired 10 people in one day. Did I say fired? Oh, no. I meant they were "displaced."
Now it sounds like your company appropriated territory and forcibly relocated the natives.


Best one I ever heard was a guy who put on his voicemail that he was unavailable because he was "Decruited".
 
2010-01-08 02:38:02 PM  

J_Marshall: Rodddxl: J_Marshall: I have a manager that is always using the phrase 'pump my brakes.' As in, "When I hear that the data isn't confirmed, that's when I start to pump my breaks on the direction we're headed."

/need to come up with a good response.

"Brakes don't change direction, they change velocity. Perhaps you should try the round thingy right in front of you...no, that's the horn. It doesn't change direction either. It makes people in front of you flip you off, like this...Oops, sorry."

Winner


YAY!
 
2010-01-08 02:42:27 PM  
Rodddxl,

While its correct to say that breaks change velocity, it would be more specific to say breaks change speed. Velocity is a vector comprised of a magnitude(speed) and direction.
 
2010-01-08 02:44:57 PM  

moralpanic: I absolutely despise crap like that. The only acceptable jargon out of all those is 'touch base offline'.


Yeah, but people use that phrase even when they ARE face to face with the person, like in a meeting, not communicating vis computer. It means, "let's talk later about this."

Excellent and funny book by the way:
Dictionary of Corporate Bullshiat An A to Z Lexicon of Empty, Enraging, and Just Plain Stupid Office Talk
 
2010-01-08 02:45:46 PM  

phaed003: Rugdumph gro_Shurgak: I don't comprehense any problem with linguonic adoptation. I heartily invitate the avocation of modernal consumaration.

It's like this thread was made specifically for you.


When I was in New Mexico I heard a number of people use the word 'conversate' ie "It's so loud I can't even conversate in here"

We had a real estate agent who always wanted to make sure everyone was on the same page; unfortunately he must have been in a different book because he was worthless.
 
2010-01-08 02:47:13 PM  
I work for (major software developer) and I'm getting a kick out of these replies.

We need a drill down of this topic, but we can sidebar it offline. I'll sync with the stakeholders and schedule a top level face to face so that we can identify our pain points. After that we can spec a move ahead strategy without randomizing the principles.
 
2010-01-08 02:51:35 PM  

Shakespeare's Monkey: What an open kimono might look like, PNSFW.

My current aspiration is to strategically leverage a position in a turn-key and future-proof global marketplace, thereby utilizing the synergistic funtionalities inherent to a skills ecosystem that orchestrates and proceduralizes mission-critical marketecture. By incentivizing team players during deep dive endeavors and pathfinder projects, I frequently invoke a tactical paradigm shift that focuses on promulgating leading-edge methodologies. Although rallying the troops is often outsourced, a strong disintermediator can empower such a matrixed skill set, and can ramp-up the human capital, allowing the team to catch the moving train as it traverses the value stream. By garnering low-hanging fruit, I will ultimately break through the glass ceiling, and capitalize on recontextualization of robust enterprise key reinforcement areas such as recognizing the criticality of monetizing scalable fiscal metrics. Also, by mitigating show-stoppers, and focusing on the long pole in the tent, I will keep from getting behind the 8 ball. Finally, I plan to hypertask, rack and stack responsibilities, and propagate enablers who can drill down into core competencies and bird dog soft money opportunities; all while simultaneously weaving myself a golden parachute and avoiding being surplussed.


using the bullshiat generator is cheating.
 
2010-01-08 03:10:11 PM  

tuna fingers: Wait.
Wut?

Maybe they don't use "office lingo", but they do have their own engineer-speak.
For instance, only an engineer would argue that when a speed limit goes from 65 to 55 that is actually an increase in the speed limit.


Bullshiat office lingo != technical jargon. Technical terms are used because they make things more clear to a person who is knowledgeable about the subject. Bullshiat office buzzwords NEVER make anything more clear; instead, their entire purpose is to obfuscate and speak without saying anything meaningful. Technical jargon is meaning-rich; trendy buzzwords are meaning-free. See the difference?

I've read a number of times about studies that showed that people with engineering or science degrees end up making more effective CEOs, on average, than people with degrees in things like law or business. I wonder if this is just because those degrees generally require you to actually be somewhat smart to pass the coursework. In other words, you have to actually know something, rather than just give the appearance of knowing something. No clue if that's related to the phenomena of engineers not often using these buzzwords, but my guess is that it is.
 
2010-01-08 03:13:52 PM  
"This company's on the fast track to the "It" list. Blast back kudos all around!"

2.bp.blogspot.com
 
2010-01-08 03:16:14 PM  

superfudge73: "This company's on the fast track to the "It" list. Blast back kudos all around!"


dint dint dint dint dint dint dint dint!
 
2010-01-08 03:34:06 PM  
"Let's run this up the flagpole and see who salutes it." - Madison Ave., early 1960s.

"That's the way the ball bounces." - Madison Ave., early 1960s.

"Let's run this up the flagpole and see if it bounces." - MAD Magazine
 
2010-01-08 03:35:21 PM  
Isn't Open Kimono some sort of open source web browser or something?
 
2010-01-08 03:51:04 PM  
Shakespeare's Monkey 2010-01-08 12:11:28 PM
What an open kimono might look like, PNSFW.

My current aspiration is to strategically leverage a position in a turn-key and future-proof global marketplace, thereby utilizing the synergistic funtionalities inherent to a skills ecosystem that orchestrates and proceduralizes mission-critical marketecture. By incentivizing team players during deep dive endeavors and pathfinder projects, I frequently invoke a tactical paradigm shift that focuses on promulgating leading-edge methodologies. Although rallying the troops is often outsourced, a strong disintermediator can empower such a matrixed skill set, and can ramp-up the human capital, allowing the team to catch the moving train as it traverses the value stream. By garnering low-hanging fruit, I will ultimately break through the glass ceiling, and capitalize on recontextualization of robust enterprise key reinforcement areas such as recognizing the criticality of monetizing scalable fiscal metrics. Also, by mitigating show-stoppers, and focusing on the long pole in the tent, I will keep from getting behind the 8 ball. Finally, I plan to hypertask, rack and stack responsibilities, and propagate enablers who can drill down into core competencies and bird dog soft money opportunities; all while simultaneously weaving myself a golden parachute and avoiding being surplussed.



---------------
Translation
---------------

My current aspiration is to take long term advantage of a position in the global marketplace, where I can just own an automatic business instead of doing actual work, and I won't ever be obsolete. This global approach lets me use the strengths that already exist among skilled people who support each other, and do so in a way that combines their separate skills to create new skills. These groups of skilled specialists will organize the most critical methods of bringing products to market, and write them down step by step so anyone can follow it. We have project where we pick a topic and learn every little detail about it. We also have projects where we just go out and discover ways of doing brand new things. On these projects I reward people who do what's best for the group instead of trying to be lone-wolf superstars. I use this cooperative atmosphere to rearrange how people think about doing their jobs, and teach everyone the newest methods of doing business. Although we often hire people outside the company to motivate our employees, breaking the usual chain of command can empower people who have many different skills, making them more productive and allowing the company to exploit new trends before they pass us by. By doing the easy stuff instead of the hard stuff, I will eventually break through the glass ceiling, and take advantage of opportunities to use old strategic planning methods, which handle unexpected difficulties, in settings they normally wouldn't be used in. One example would be recognizing how vital it is to sell our accounting methods to other companies. By reducing the damage caused by catastrophic events, and focusing only on those key things that everything else depends on, I will make sure I never get in stuck in a position where making even a tiny mistake screws me completely. Finally, I plan to multitask even more things simultaneously than before. I plan to figure out which responsibilities relate to each other most closely and group them together. I plan to teach people how to teach instructors below them, well enough that by the time my message reaches the low-level employees, they'll hear the message I intended. These "instructors of instructors" will learn core competencies from the general to the specific and identify ways to lobby political candidates in ways that don't have to be reported. All while simultaneously guaranteeing I get paid well for leaving the company and avoid being replaced by people more useful than me.
 
2010-01-08 03:51:10 PM  

Foxxinnia: Isn't Open Kimono some sort of open source web browser or something?


No, it's a command from the legendary "X-rated Zork".
 
2010-01-08 03:56:21 PM  

H31N0US: Hm. Egg salad is the secret to reality. Who knew.


It is written, "He who makes the best egg salad shall rule over heaven and earth."

Don't ask me why egg salad - I've got enough aggravation.
 
2010-01-08 04:08:08 PM  
A friend of mine and I have perfected technical double-talk to a fine art.

We sit there discussing pure gibberish with a knowledgable intensity, while everyone else in the place listens and goes b-l-bl-lbl-lbl-bl-lbl-lbl-bbl-b-bl but no one has the balls to call our bluff and say it's all bullsh*t.
 
2010-01-08 04:36:22 PM  
Although rallying the troops is often outsourced, a strong disintermediator can empower such a matrixed skill set, and can ramp-up the human capital, allowing the team to catch the moving train as it traverses the value stream

If I ever hear someone spouting that kind of gibberish to my face...

Bricks shall be shat and flung.
 
2010-01-08 04:52:04 PM  
Seymour Navel.
 
2010-01-08 04:56:06 PM  

Shakespeare's Monkey: What an open kimono might look like, PNSFW.

My current aspiration is to strategically leverage a position in a turn-key and future-proof global marketplace, thereby utilizing the synergistic funtionalities inherent to a skills ecosystem that orchestrates and proceduralizes mission-critical marketecture. By incentivizing team players during deep dive endeavors and pathfinder projects, I frequently invoke a tactical paradigm shift that focuses on promulgating leading-edge methodologies. Although rallying the troops is often outsourced, a strong disintermediator can empower such a matrixed skill set, and can ramp-up the human capital, allowing the team to catch the moving train as it traverses the value stream. By garnering low-hanging fruit, I will ultimately break through the glass ceiling, and capitalize on recontextualization of robust enterprise key reinforcement areas such as recognizing the criticality of monetizing scalable fiscal metrics. Also, by mitigating show-stoppers, and focusing on the long pole in the tent, I will keep from getting behind the 8 ball. Finally, I plan to hypertask, rack and stack responsibilities, and propagate enablers who can drill down into core competencies and bird dog soft money opportunities; all while simultaneously weaving myself a golden parachute and avoiding being surplussed.


Cool. My learning plan has to be finalized soon. I plan to use this bullshiat.

/thank you.
 
2010-01-08 05:34:10 PM  

Mnemia: I've read a number of times about studies that showed that people with engineering or science degrees end up making more effective CEOs, on average, than people with degrees in things like law or business. I wonder if this is just because those degrees generally require you to actually be somewhat smart to pass the coursework. In other words, you have to actually know something, rather than just give the appearance of knowing something. No clue if that's related to the phenomena of engineers not often using these buzzwords, but my guess is that it is.


Spoken like a true farking engineer.

No, it isn't because they are smarter, it's because engineers are natural assholes, which translates well to being a CEO. Seriously, every farking engineer I've ever met, particularly electrical and computer sci engineers, thinks they know absolutely farking everything about absolutely farking everything from law to finance to IT to sociology and poli sci. The Fark Lawyer gags didn't come out of nowhere.
 
2010-01-08 05:47:29 PM  

Rugdumph gro_Shurgak: I don't comprehense any problem with linguonic adoptation. I heartily invitate the avocation of modernal consumaration.


Not amused...
bulk.destructoid.com
/inflamed
 
2010-01-08 05:51:26 PM  

ttintagel: forresttriax: At least it's not another sports analogy brought into business language. The worst is when our American project manager uses a term like "it's fourth and inches" with one of our German vendors. The vendor asks me to translate. It makes no sense so I spend two hours explaining how American football works. Hmmm... maybe that was the clever plan all along the manager just bought himself 2 farking hours!

As a female who has worked in several otherwise all-male workplaces, I really, really hate when that happens. Sure, I suppose I could spend all my free time studying sports to keep up, but the workplace sucks enough enjoyment out of my life as it is without having to bring it home!


Just always assume that sports metaphors are homosexual references. You will be surprised how often this works.
 
2010-01-08 05:52:21 PM  

It's_A_Farking_Secret: d computer sci engineers


Unless they took the PE and are licensed, they are no more of an engineer than the "sanitation engineer" who empties the dumpsters.
 
2010-01-08 06:09:04 PM  

J_Marshall: I have a manager that is always using the phrase 'pump my brakes.' As in, "When I hear that the data isn't confirmed, that's when I start to pump my breaks on the direction we're headed."

/need to come up with a good response.


"Perhaps you should top off the brake fluid, sir?"
-j
 
2010-01-08 06:17:08 PM  
So, if you bite the reality sandwich and drink the Kool-Aid at the same time, what happens?
 
2010-01-08 06:23:21 PM  
Reality tastes like cheese?
 
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