hogans: BKITU: I'm somehow disturbed that a "reality sandwich" is egg salad on rye.

So am I.

And by "disturbed" I mean "hungry."

APPROVES
http://tinyurl.com/yehen5s
(copy and paste, NSFW)

OnmyojiOmn: For a long time I thought it was "touch face".

Dammit, now I am going to hear that instead. Thanks.

Anyone else notice Brent Musberger use the phrase "Money Shot" during last night's game? Definitely a person that shouldn't be associated with that phrase in any manner.

I used to have managers who, during in-person group meetings, would use the term "we can talk about that offline".

goddamnitsomuch I hate business speak more than anything.

gorgor: hogans: BKITU: I'm somehow disturbed that a "reality sandwich" is egg salad on rye.

So am I.

And by "disturbed" I mean "hungry."

APPROVES
http://tinyurl.com/yehen5s
(copy and paste, NSFW)

I feel like doing that after seeing THAT!

gorgor, your power is indeed not lessened by the fact you can't hotlink anymore. goddamnyousomuch!

/_{free gorgor!}
//....why do I copy and paste...WHY?!

"...and whatnot.."

Can anyone explain to me why lately that phrase is tacked on to every sentence? It's getting better, but for a time I couldn't go an hour without hearing that craptastic phrase slapped on to the end of a sentence. Just keep your ears open, you'll hear some idiot say it.

I'm hearing a lot of Motherhood-and-apple pie, but you're not leaning forward on this one.

Sitting here staring at my wifes open kimono so getting a kick (and uncomfortably tight pants)etc...

forresttriax: At least it's not another sports analogy brought into business language. The worst is when our American project manager uses a term like "it's fourth and inches" with one of our German vendors. The vendor asks me to translate. It makes no sense so I spend two hours explaining how American football works. Hmmm... maybe that was the clever plan all along the manager just bought himself 2 farking hours!

As a female who has worked in several otherwise all-male workplaces, I really, really hate when that happens. Sure, I suppose I could spend all my free time studying sports to keep up, but the workplace sucks enough enjoyment out of my life as it is without having to bring it home!

That said, hasn't "touch base" passed far enough into the vernacular that it would take a particularly dim person to not immediately understand what "touch base offline" means?

Years ago, I was in London for a conference, back when "The Weakest Link" was the most popular TV show in England. People at the conference were drooling on themselves hoping someone would say something semi-stupid so they could yell, "You are the weakest link -- bye-bye!" After 24 hours, I was ready to smack someone upside the head the minute I heard, "You are ..."

Shakespeare's Monkey: What an open kimono might look like, PNSFW.

My current aspiration is to strategically leverage a position in a turn-key and future-proof global marketplace, thereby utilizing the synergistic funtionalities inherent to a skills ecosystem that orchestrates and proceduralizes mission-critical marketecture. By incentivizing team players during deep dive endeavors and pathfinder projects, I frequently invoke a tactical paradigm shift that focuses on promulgating leading-edge methodologies. Although rallying the troops is often outsourced, a strong disintermediator can empower such a matrixed skill set, and can ramp-up the human capital, allowing the team to catch the moving train as it traverses the value stream. By garnering low-hanging fruit, I will ultimately break through the glass ceiling, and capitalize on recontextualization of robust enterprise key reinforcement areas such as recognizing the criticality of monetizing scalable fiscal metrics. Also, by mitigating show-stoppers, and focusing on the long pole in the tent, I will keep from getting behind the 8 ball. Finally, I plan to hypertask, rack and stack responsibilities, and propagate enablers who can drill down into core competencies and bird dog soft money opportunities; all while simultaneously weaving myself a golden parachute and avoiding being surplussed.

A couple years ago someone at work stuck a chart on a cube wall that was complete and total nonsense. I asked a few people - including managers - what it meant and what it had to do with our team. Predictably, I did not get a straight answer. They were as confused as I was. As a rebuttal I made my own total nonsense chart which was similar to the paragraph above. I stuck it right next the the original chart.

Passers by who didn't know it was a joke were even more confused, aside from people who acted like they knew what my chart meant because it was their job to do so, which made the whole thing even funnier.

ttintagel: forresttriax: At least it's not another sports analogy brought into business language. The worst is when our American project manager uses a term like "it's fourth and inches" with one of our German vendors. The vendor asks me to translate. It makes no sense so I spend two hours explaining how American football works. Hmmm... maybe that was the clever plan all along the manager just bought himself 2 farking hours!

As a female who has worked in several otherwise all-male workplaces, I really, really hate when that happens. Sure, I suppose I could spend all my free time studying sports to keep up, but the workplace sucks enough enjoyment out of my life as it is without having to bring it home!

That said, hasn't "touch base" passed far enough into the vernacular that it would take a particularly dim person to not immediately understand what "touch base offline" means?

It has, but please, drop the vernacular.

The company I work for recently fired 10 people in one day. Did I say fired? Oh, no. I meant they were "displaced."

Yakivegas: I still have co-workers that love to use the phrase "Tiger Team" for their little work groups.

I bet we work for the same company. Maybe.

I couldn't help but think of this sketch the whole time I RTFA.


/sweaty linked

gorgor: hogans: BKITU: I'm somehow disturbed that a "reality sandwich" is egg salad on rye.

So am I.

And by "disturbed" I mean "hungry."

APPROVES
http://tinyurl.com/yehen5s
(copy and paste, NSFW)

Now THAT'S a Money Shot!

Every time someone uses a business buzzword in my presence I get the overwhelming urge to piledrive them through a desk. Not sure why.

la_cyberchicana: Years ago, I was in London for a conference, back when "The Weakest Link" was the most popular TV show in England. People at the conference were drooling on themselves hoping someone would say something semi-stupid so they could yell, "You are the weakest link -- bye-bye!" After 24 hours, I was ready to smack someone upside the head the minute I heard, "You are ..."



Ha ha ha! Oh gosh that's funny! That's really funny! Do you write your own material? Do you? Because that is so fresh. You are the weakest link goodbye. You know, I've, I've never heard anyone make that joke before. Hmm. You're the first. I've never heard anyone reference, reference that outside the program before. Because that's what she says on the show right? Isn't it? You are the weakest link goodbye. And, and yet you've taken that and used it out of context to insult me in this everyday situation. God what a clever, smart girl you must be, to come up with a joke like that all by yourself. That's so fresh too. Any, any Titanic jokes you want to throw at me too as long as we're hitting these phenomena at the height of their popularity. God you're so funny!

Shrinkwrap: Yakivegas: I still have co-workers that love to use the phrase "Tiger Team" for their little work groups.

I bet we work for the same company. Maybe.

You guys should touch base offline

Nina9: The company I work for recently fired 10 people in one day. Did I say fired? Oh, no. I meant they were "displaced."
Now it sounds like your company appropriated territory and forcibly relocated the natives.

Archie Goodwin: I put on my kimono and wizard hat.

LOL

haven't read that one in years.

Bite the wax tadpole.

mofomisfit: forresttriax: At least it's not another sports analogy brought into business language. The worst is when our American project manager uses a term like "it's fourth and inches" with one of our German vendors. The vendor asks me to translate. It makes no sense so I spend two hours explaining how American football works. Hmmm... maybe that was the clever plan all along the manager just bought himself 2 farking hours!

Couldn't you just say "It's a sports analogy that means we're very close to our goal?"

Yes, if our goal is to get four more chance to reach our objective.

I'm bewildered by the purpose of a one sentence article.

Campaigners claim such phrases are "massacring" the English language.

Good. The English language is long overdue for a mascara, esp. when it is wearing an open kimono.

I still hear the US jargon phrases used. And I will confess to being one of the douchebagettes who will use it just to fark with some of my dimmer colleagues.

/open kimono LMAO

J_Marshall: I have a manager that is always using the phrase 'pump my brakes.' As in, "When I hear that the data isn't confirmed, that's when I start to pump my breaks on the direction we're headed."

/need to come up with a good response.

"Shut the fark up"?

St.Alfonzo: J_Marshall: I have a manager that is always using the phrase 'pump my brakes.' As in, "When I hear that the data isn't confirmed, that's when I start to pump my breaks on the direction we're headed."

/need to come up with a good response.

"Shut the fark up"?

You should have pumped them sooner. It smells like you ran over a skunk!

Billzebub: Shakespeare's Monkey: What an open kimono might look like, PNSFW.

My current aspiration is to strategically leverage a position in a turn-key and future-proof global marketplace, thereby utilizing the synergistic funtionalities inherent to a skills ecosystem that orchestrates and proceduralizes mission-critical marketecture. By incentivizing team players during deep dive endeavors and pathfinder projects, I frequently invoke a tactical paradigm shift that focuses on promulgating leading-edge methodologies. Although rallying the troops is often outsourced, a strong disintermediator can empower such a matrixed skill set, and can ramp-up the human capital, allowing the team to catch the moving train as it traverses the value stream. By garnering low-hanging fruit, I will ultimately break through the glass ceiling, and capitalize on recontextualization of robust enterprise key reinforcement areas such as recognizing the criticality of monetizing scalable fiscal metrics. Also, by mitigating show-stoppers, and focusing on the long pole in the tent, I will keep from getting behind the 8 ball. Finally, I plan to hypertask, rack and stack responsibilities, and propagate enablers who can drill down into core competencies and bird dog soft money opportunities; all while simultaneously weaving myself a golden parachute and avoiding being surplussed.

A couple years ago someone at work stuck a chart on a cube wall that was complete and total nonsense. I asked a few people - including managers - what it meant and what it had to do with our team. Predictably, I did not get a straight answer. They were as confused as I was. As a rebuttal I made my own total nonsense chart which was similar to the paragraph above. I stuck it right next the the original chart.

Passers by who didn't know it was a joke were even more confused, aside from people who acted like they knew what my chart meant because it was their job to do so, which made the whole thing even funnier.

"The New Ventures Mission is to scout profitable growth opportunities in relationships, both internally and externally, in emerging, mission inclusive markets, and explore new paradigms and then filter and communicate and evangelize the findings.''

gorgor: hogans: BKITU: I'm somehow disturbed that a "reality sandwich" is egg salad on rye.

So am I.

And by "disturbed" I mean "hungry."

APPROVES
http://tinyurl.com/yehen5s
(copy and paste, NSFW)

My hometown paper routinely refers to illegal aliens as "undocumented migrants."

I suppose next they will start calling hookers "unlicensed sex therapists."

It is what it is........

Oh, bite the wax tadpole.

spyderqueen: Ugh, I hate some of that crap. Though using "utilize" instead of "use" is still my biggest pet peeve in work lingo.

Though in a meeting about layoffs in my department, one of my coworkers used the phrase "right-sizing" while those of us who JUST got our notices WERE SITTING RIGHT THERE. Then again, he's always been a colossal suck-up douchebag, so I can't really be surprised.



/when my end date comes in March I will be very tempted to finally punch that asshole in the face as I leave.

You're a pussy if you don't.

J_Marshall: I have a manager that is always using the phrase 'pump my brakes.' As in, "When I hear that the data isn't confirmed, that's when I start to pump my breaks on the direction we're headed."

/need to come up with a good response.

Point out that data are plural, so he's ruining any impression of intelligence before he even gets to the truly dumb part of his sentence.

Sorry, old man, we don't understand your banter.

Billzebub: spyderqueen: Ugh, I hate some of that crap. Though using "utilize" instead of "use" is still my biggest pet peeve in work lingo.

Though in a meeting about layoffs in my department, one of my coworkers used the phrase "right-sizing" while those of us who JUST got our notices WERE SITTING RIGHT THERE. Then again, he's always been a colossal suck-up douchebag, so I can't really be surprised.



/when my end date comes in March I will be very tempted to finally punch that asshole in the face as I leave.

You're a pussy if you don't.

Well I've applied for other positions in other departments in the same company, I'd rather not completely fark up those chances.

What a sandwich may look like

Ah, memories. My manager back in the mid-80's was full of these phrases...

"Let's open the kimono and see what we've bought."

"It's like letting the camel's nose into the tent. Pretty soon you have the entire camel."

"Marketing really screwed the customer's pooch this time. And we're stuck with the puppies."

"I know you're all working like a hamster on a wheel. You've gotta try for something bigger than a hamster."

Good times.

Excellent tag choice, Subby. It's even more ridiculous here in the U.S. I've found that these dumbass phrases are usually coined/used by the more stupid people in the office, who are trying to hide their incompetence. If you speak to these morons in plain English, they just glaze over in a fog of unadulterated cretinism.

What_do_you_want_now: //....why do I copy and paste...WHY?!

he is giving you two opportunities to avoid the eye pain...not directly linked, and lots of NSFW...oh and it is gorgor for Cthulhu sake!

HEre is some nice eyebleach:

Really, though. Besides the "open kimono", I had no problem gleaning what all these phrases mean. It's not that difficult if you give it the slightest thought.

I once told a group of coworkers that "we had to stop acting like we scored below 40 on the IQ test".

One of them later confronted me and called me an "insensitive bastard".

I got a shocked look on my face and said "OMG! How did find out my parents never married!"

blink. blink. blink.

I then got all weepy and said "I gotta go - please don't tell anyone else."

/never been HR'd
//illegitimace rocks!

ArcadianRefugee

Sorry, old man, we don't understand your banter.


Cabbage creeps coming over the briny?

Yes it does.