Honey, this is Cody. I needs you to call Uncle Lonnie and get that bailbond fellar's number ageen.

"Where'd the quarter go? There it is, right behind your ear!"

"I hate doing Vulcan mind melds on Texas Longhorn fans."

"Bubba, Bubba, How many times I gotta tell you, you ain't Momma, now le' go ma ear, ya 'ear fer I put a whallop on ya, i ain't care if ya got a badge or not, I gotta ash my smoke..."

Two Supreme pizza's to the Sherrif's Department, care of Corporal Dan.

That's right, I hold your ears during THIS breathalyzer

myspamhere: That's right, I hold your ears during THIS breathalyzer

Dammit forgot to add vottie thinggie

I said look what your loose tailgate did to my patrol car!

"Hey honey. Could you pick me up a pack of smokes?"

"Yeah...Momma, they uh....they uh... found the goat."

"I swear to god Susan, I said look at this truckin rig."

A Steven Wright quote fits here. "Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the
road an hour."

"Thank officer for dialing that number for me. I guess you are pretty cool for a poli.... Hey Sarah Palin, I'm your biggest fan. All of my friends are. Anyway, I gotta run."

Look Bubba, just consider me one of Santa's elfen police and you've been put on the naughty list.

I'm talking to the hand, now what?

"UFIE? What th' hell is that supposed to stan' fer?"

"So I says to him, you know I cain't tell how fast I'm goin' when I'm drunk!"

Yes ma, no mw im not smoking, no ma, yes ma, yes ma, no mw I havent seen dad, no ma Im sure he is not with "that woman" again ma.

"I'm busting you for impersonating me when I'm off duty."

I said... "pull my finger"

So he asked me if i knew why he was pulling me over and i said 'Because i'm black!' He just looked at me real funny and he said 'Oh ho! So you think that you're funny like that Fluffy fella, huh?' and i said 'Fluffy fellow? No sir, you are mistaken, that routine was done by George Lopez.' He asked me if i was getting smart with him and i started laughing because this guy was just leaving me all kinds of openings so i jumped into THAT one and i said 'Dee Dee DEE!' and next thing i knew i was layin' on the ground and i started yellin' out 'Why can't we all just get along?' He pulled me up and this officer who is letting me use his cell phone said 'You must be one of those funny guys that make jokes for a living, huh?' i said 'Yea-hea, you got me sir, i'm Dane Cook!' So they said if i could verify who i am they would let me go and wouldn't you know it? i forgot my license and i can't remember my social security number so i was wondering if you could come out here and tell them i am Dane Cook, ok mom? Mom? You still there? Mom?

/Ehhh.. the funnier ones were already posted.
//Merry Christmas!
///Santa loves slashies!

"Reckon we oughta try some of that kissin', Burt?"


/maybe obscure

...and that is why I went over my minutes this month, and why you should not charge me an overcharge fee.
(see attached picture)

"Mommy? It's Billy Bob. I'm gonna squeel like a pig tonight."