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(Some Jewish Santa)   "I wanna be Santa. My qualifications? I'm Jewish, a teacher, Fulbright scholar, Guggenheim fellow and author of 14 books. I have a beard. For 53 years I have wanted to participate as other than an envious Christmas outsider"   (metrosantacruz.com) divider line 96
    More: Sappy, ho ho, Father Christmas, black hair, child molesters, good ones, Fulbright Scholar, Guggenheim Fellowship, Father Christmas-Santa Claus  
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8768 clicks; posted to Main » on 24 Dec 2009 at 5:24 PM (4 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



96 Comments   (+0 »)
   

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2009-12-24 05:24:50 PM  
No no no, only Hannukah Harry for you.
 
2009-12-24 05:26:37 PM  
What is with the blue?
 
paj
2009-12-24 05:29:41 PM  
Go to the movies and eat Chinese food like the rest of us buddy.
 
2009-12-24 05:30:45 PM  
Maybe you should have thought about that before killing Jesus.
 
2009-12-24 05:31:38 PM  
Seeing as how Santa's not anything based on religion, I think this is great. The teaching and scholarly pursuits only sweeten the deal. Santa's supposed to be wise and worldly! This is cool.
 
2009-12-24 05:32:28 PM  
gallery.hobostuff.com

A Jewish Santa?!? Over my dead body!!

www.toptenz.net

Fin
 
2009-12-24 05:33:08 PM  
pippi longstocking: Maybe you should have thought about that before killing Jesus.

and, we're done
Merry Christmas Everyone!
 
2009-12-24 05:34:34 PM  
Pippi: Perfect.
 
2009-12-24 05:35:18 PM  
pippi longstocking: Maybe you should have thought about that before killing Jesus.

Over in 4...
 
2009-12-24 05:35:54 PM  
In Russia, the Jewish guy is Santa.
 
2009-12-24 05:36:10 PM  
Robert Sward is the author of 'God Is in the Cracks.' He wrote this autobiographical piece in 1987, shortly after his arrival in Santa Cruz. He hasn't worn red and white together since.

Ok enough of this 22 year old shenanigan. To the kid's table you go.
 
2009-12-24 05:36:30 PM  
3.bp.blogspot.com


That never works out too well...
 
2009-12-24 05:38:06 PM  
Hoye! Hoye! Hoye!
 
2009-12-24 05:40:35 PM  
He could make a good Jesus on a cross but not a short and fat Santa. As he is tall and thin. Now I want that "Mrs. Claus" and photo examples of what it may look like.
i82.photobucket.com
 
2009-12-24 05:41:24 PM  
Great, another story someone will quote me to convince me I should be "observing" Christmas, cause "it's not really a religious holiday anymore!" And if I don't get with the "spirit of the holidays" I'm a Grinch.
I just don't celebrate Christmas, ok? Have fun, have LOTS of fun, and I will wish you a Merry Christmas and everything, but don't act like I need to participate in all your Christmas events or there's something wrong with me.
 
2009-12-24 05:41:38 PM  
Oh I love it. My father is a professional Santa. With a real white beard, and a belly that shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly.

Going anywhere with him, any time of year is wonderful. Because little children look at him with a mixture of joy and confusion. They are hapy to see him, but confused to see him interacting in their world.
 
2009-12-24 05:43:22 PM  
fibrowitch: Oh I love it. My father is a professional Santa. With a real white beard, and a belly that shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly.

Going anywhere with him, any time of year is wonderful. Because little children look at him with a mixture of joy and confusion. They are hapy to see him, but confused to see him interacting in their world.


Awesome. Does he ask them if they've been good?
 
2009-12-24 05:43:58 PM  
Don't Tongue the Reaper!: Great, another story someone will quote me to convince me I should be "observing" Christmas, cause "it's not really a religious holiday anymore!" And if I don't get with the "spirit of the holidays" I'm a Grinch.
I just don't celebrate Christmas, ok? Have fun, have LOTS of fun, and I will wish you a Merry Christmas and everything, but don't act like I need to participate in all your Christmas events or there's something wrong with me.


*blank stare*

you need a hug. Or another scotch.

Although if I read your post in a Paul Giamatti voice I'm incredibly entertained.
 
2009-12-24 05:46:36 PM  
ichiban: Don't Tongue the Reaper!: Great, another story someone will quote me to convince me I should be "observing" Christmas, cause "it's not really a religious holiday anymore!" And if I don't get with the "spirit of the holidays" I'm a Grinch.
I just don't celebrate Christmas, ok? Have fun, have LOTS of fun, and I will wish you a Merry Christmas and everything, but don't act like I need to participate in all your Christmas events or there's something wrong with me.

*blank stare*

you need a hug. Or another scotch.

Although if I read your post in a Paul Giamatti voice I'm incredibly entertained.


Hugs will do. Most of the time it's not an issue, but every couple of years there's that Person Who LOOOOOOVES Christmas. The sort who keep those 365 Christmas stores in business. And they seem to think anyone Jewish SECRETLY longs to Be Like Them. They seriously chap my hide. I suppose, in retrospect, I should have aired this greivance in the Festivus thread.
 
2009-12-24 05:47:18 PM  
ichiban: Although if I read your post in a Paul Giamatti voice I'm incredibly entertained.


I read everything on FARK with Simple Jack's voice...
 
2009-12-24 05:47:52 PM  
wild9: What is with the blue?

img.thesun.co.uk

Red would clash.
 
2009-12-24 05:51:16 PM  
Don't Tongue the Reaper!: I suppose, in retrospect, I should have aired this greivance in the Festivus thread.

Aw, no worries. What's Fark for except rampant airing of grievances 365-24/7 regardless of threads? Of the couple Jewish folks I know they generally accept anything Christmas-related with a patient smile and a "come on now, nutcase" style grimace.
 
2009-12-24 05:53:20 PM  
ichiban: Don't Tongue the Reaper!: I suppose, in retrospect, I should have aired this greivance in the Festivus thread.

Aw, no worries. What's Fark for except rampant airing of grievances 365-24/7 regardless of threads? Of the couple Jewish folks I know they generally accept anything Christmas-related with a patient smile and a "come on now, nutcase" style grimace.


And usually, that's all that's needed. Merry Christmas, ya Farkers!
 
2009-12-24 05:54:33 PM  
Christmas is not about Santa, Christmas is about our lord and savior Jesus Christ. I am sure Jews want to dilute the religion of Christianity by promoting a fictional character so people would not focus on Jesus Christ. Christmas is not about a lighting up tree or giving presents which is why our church have banned trees/Santa. I think everyone should do that. Just one more thing, its CHRISTmas not Xmas.
 
2009-12-24 05:55:16 PM  
 
2009-12-24 05:58:13 PM  
johm: Christmas is not about a lighting up tree or giving presents which is why our church have banned trees/Santa. I think everyone should do that. Just one more thing, its CHRISTmas not Xmas.

Couldn't get home, so you're here trolling.

/hug
 
2009-12-24 06:01:21 PM  
johm: Christmas is not about Santa, Christmas is about our lord and savior Jesus Christ. I am sure Jews want to dilute the religion of Christianity by promoting a fictional character so people would not focus on Jesus Christ. Christmas is not about a lighting up tree or giving presents which is why our church have banned trees/Santa. I think everyone should do that. Just one more thing, its CHRISTmas not Xmas.

I feel like biting...

"Waaaaaah! Christmas is about our made-up guy hung on the 2x4s, not their made-up guy who is fat and gives people presents!

Waaaaaaaaaah!"

Merry Giftsmas.
 
2009-12-24 06:03:37 PM  
Farker T: wild9: What is with the blue?



Red would clash.


Oh heh, had a brain fart on that one.
 
2009-12-24 06:05:09 PM  
johm: Christmas is not about Santa, Christmas is about our lord and savior Jesus Christ. I am sure Jews want to dilute the religion of Christianity by promoting a fictional character so people would not focus on Jesus Christ. Christmas is not about a lighting up tree or giving presents which is why our church have banned trees/Santa. I think everyone should do that. Just one more thing, its CHRISTmas not Xmas.

Hey, troll,

The use of "Xmas" came about because the Greek letter chi (X) was used as an abbreviation for Χριστός, which is Greek for "Christ." The X is also used in the Chi-Rho, which is one of the oldest Christian symbols. So there's no need for you (or your imaginary pal Jesus) to feel threatened by "Xmas." You learn some real wild things when you read books.

BTW, I asked some Jews if they were trying to dilute the religion of Christianity and they stated assertively that they don't give a fark. I'm neither Jewish nor Christian and I would be glad to see the religion of Christianity diluted (whatever the hell that means ... do you pour a bunch of water into Christianity?). But I know that I like the Jews better than you guys because they never make silly threats involving going to hell if I don't believe in their religion.

Ho ho ho!
 
2009-12-24 06:05:11 PM  
Does this mean Santa can only accept knishes and latkes instead of cookies and milk??
 
2009-12-24 06:05:46 PM  
johm: Christmas is not about Santa, Christmas is about our lord and savior Jesus Christ. I am sure Jews want to dilute the religion of Christianity by promoting a fictional character so people would not focus on Jesus Christ. Christmas is not about a lighting up tree or giving presents which is why our church have banned trees/Santa. I think everyone should do that. Just one more thing, its CHRISTmas not Xmas.

Christmas in Latin starts with a 'X' so xmas is a perfectly normal way of referring to Christmas and isn't anti-christian in anyway.
 
2009-12-24 06:07:59 PM  
i37.photobucket.com
 
2009-12-24 06:08:36 PM  
I just want to wish all who celebrate Christmas -- very merry Christmas to you! Enjoy...love and peace. And to those who don't celebrate Christmas -- love and peace to you anyway!
 
2009-12-24 06:08:56 PM  
fibrowitch: Oh I love it. My father is a professional Santa. With a real white beard, and a belly that shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly.

Going anywhere with him, any time of year is wonderful. Because little children look at him with a mixture of joy and confusion. They are hapy to see him, but confused to see him interacting in their world.


I had an uncle who looked just like Santa. He wasn't a 'professional' Santa, but he volunteered to wear the suit at the VA's Christmas party every year. Little kids always thought he was Santa regardless of the time of year (a fondness for red sweaters probably helped that).

Unfortunately, he broke the hearts of several dozen children when he had a heart attack while walking into the VA (in costume) one year. We had a couple of EMTs at the place already (lots of old guys at the VA, of course), and they tried to revive him while the kids were watching, and crying, and begging them to 'save Santa.' Unfortunately, 'Santa' was dead by the time he hit the ground. He probably didn't even feel it.

Oh boy did that suck, trying to explain to 40 or so little kids that it wasn't really Santa who died, just my uncle who 'worked for Santa.' Of course, most of the kids didn't believe us, and they were completely hysterical. We decided that we needed to get someone that the kids would believe to come and talk to them, so we settled on... Santa.

We had a professional Santa over within a couple of hours, and MAN was he a great bullshiat artist. He talked to the kids about how he'd heard that his helper had passed away, and decided to come down in person to see the the kids that my uncle couldn't. He explained that so many kids wanted to talk to Santa that he had to have helpers who 'sent their Christmas wishes on to the real Santa.' After seeing what had happened, the guy didn't even charge us for his trip to the VA.
 
2009-12-24 06:09:27 PM  
Thisbymaster:
Christmas in Latin starts with a 'X' so xmas is a perfectly normal way of referring to Christmas and isn't anti-christian in anyway.


The black folk should have co-opted "X-Mas", and made it into Malcolm X-Mas.

I bet it would be more widely celebrated than Kwanzaa!

And if a child was bad, they could get a Plymouth Rock in their stocking instead of coal.
 
2009-12-24 06:12:06 PM  
Jgok: not-so-cool story bro

Oh, and it didn't help that I was wearing an elf costume and crying my eyes out while I was trying to comfort a bunch of hysterical kids and tell them Santa wasn't dead.
 
2009-12-24 06:13:04 PM  
FirstNationalBastard: Does this mean Santa can only accept knishes and latkes instead of cookies and milk??

Those sound just as good as milk and cookies.
 
2009-12-24 06:13:55 PM  
Sorry mate, but you have to shave off the beard for health and safety reasons.

/more whiny Jews three threads down
 
2009-12-24 06:15:04 PM  
Don't Tongue the Reaper!

To quote the great John Popper:

If it's Chanukah or Kwanza
Solstice, harvest or December twenty-fifth
Peace on earth to everyone
And abundance to everyone you're with
 
2009-12-24 06:16:21 PM  
My Dad did Santa one year - had to go with the fake beard, but he was a big guy and had a good deep voice, so the Ho Ho Ho's sounded great. One little girl saw him as he walked into the room and went flying at him full speed. His back was screwed up for a few days afterwards, but he said it was worth it.

/gotta find that picture
 
2009-12-24 06:20:19 PM  
wild9: What is with the blue?

Oy! Ask this guy:

img696.imageshack.us

And here's a bonus Christmas present for all you Farkers:

X-Men Origins: Jewverine (new window)
 
2009-12-24 06:27:33 PM  
"Why for For 53 years I've wanted to participate as other than an envious Christmas outsider put up with it now. "

FTFSubby ;-)
 
2009-12-24 06:35:17 PM  
To be fair Saint Nick was a Coptic Turk, but he worshiped a Jew so I see no problem in this.
 
2009-12-24 06:39:49 PM  
pippi longstocking: Maybe you should have thought about that before killing Jesus.

And to all a good night.
 
2009-12-24 06:39:51 PM  
Jgok

Cool story bro. Holy crap that sucks.
 
2009-12-24 06:53:01 PM  
pippi longstocking: Maybe you should have thought about that before killing Jesus.

Yeah, but if those Jews hadn't killed Jesus then he wouldn't have died for your sins and started off Christianity, and you Christians would still be a bunch of pagan idol-worshippers heading off to Hell in a handbasket, so just maybe it's about time you showed at least a little bit of gratitude to the Pharisees for setting things up so you could be washed in the Blood of the Lamb.
Ungrateful twerps.
 
2009-12-24 06:53:52 PM  
Don't Tongue the Reaper!: fibrowitch: Oh I love it. My father is a professional Santa. With a real white beard, and a belly that shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly.

Going anywhere with him, any time of year is wonderful. Because little children look at him with a mixture of joy and confusion. They are hapy to see him, but confused to see him interacting in their world.

Awesome. Does he ask them if they've been good?


Why not? Peter Graves asks little boys in supermarkets if they like gladiator movies... (true story, bro)
 
2009-12-24 07:02:07 PM  
" . . . and they tried to revive him while the kids were watching, and crying, and begging them to 'save Santa.' Unfortunately, 'Santa' was dead by the time he hit the ground. He probably didn't even feel it."

OH THANKS for that. That's awful and funny as hell at the same time. Perfect embodiment of FARK I think.

Sorry for your loss, thanks for the laughs. Doesn't really go together does it? My head is swimming a bit.

"Mommy my christmas puppy WON'T WAKE UP!!"

Happy Hollydaze all you FARKERS. And to all a good night.
 
2009-12-24 07:08:19 PM  
Jgok, that was so funny. Sorry about your Uncle.

When I die, I pray someone can tell a story half as funny.

Thanks for telling it.
 
2009-12-24 07:12:32 PM  
cynicalbastard: pippi longstocking: Maybe you should have thought about that before killing Jesus.

Yeah, but if those Jews hadn't killed Jesus then he wouldn't have died for your sins and started off Christianity, and you Christians would still be a bunch of pagan idol-worshippers heading off to Hell in a handbasket, so just maybe it's about time you showed at least a little bit of gratitude to the Pharisees for setting things up so you could be washed in the Blood of the Lamb.
Ungrateful twerps.


Thread is not over, but lives.
 
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