/What his christmas spider may have looked like

So the BAMF is afraid of spiders, eh? Figures.

Now that is funny as hell. Oh no i have a feeling he might use that in his next errr 'stand up comedy show'. He finally has something to say that he didn't steal from others.

MidnightMargaritas!: Now that is funny as hell. Oh no i have a feeling he might use that in his next errr 'stand up comedy show'. He finally has something to say that he didn't steal from others.

Next show? I hear he's already in talks about making an entire christmas special out of it on Comedy Central next year. The cool part is that they are trying to talk (ok... bribe) Stephen Colbert into playing the spider. Which is also the really sad part, since then people would actually watch it.

TFA: "We get a tree, we decorate it, my sister and I. We come in last night, and at the bottom of the tree you could see this big spider. I was pretty sure it was a brown recluse... When I look up at the star (at the top of the tree), there's a cocoon with hundreds of just hatched spiders. We can't take the decorations off, we just have to get rid of the tree."

That's some mighty fine investigating there, Lou. Also, a mighty fine mastery of the past tense.

Oh, and let me just leave this here...

Brown Recluse spiders don't live in California. (^)

the_be_sharps: Oh, and let me just leave this here...

Brown Recluse spiders don't live in California. (^)

But the tree most likely came from Oregon where the brown recluse do live. I admit it, I live in Oregon and sent that douchebag Cook a spider infested tree, but alas, my plan failed.

What a douchenozzle.

Half the celebrities on Earth die this year and this jerk-off gets to keep hacking it up? No justice, I tell ya.

Bull. This incident actually happened to Joe Rogan, and Dane Cook stole the story.

And then this SPIDER came out of the tree and was like RAWRRR I'M A SPIDER and it had these fangs, like FAAAANGS, yeah. And then it came out and it jumped out at me. JUMP! but it missed and I was like Ha Ha you stupid spider and then it gave me this look like it was going to kill me! And it's fangs grew, FANNNNNGS. Then I hit with newspaper. Haha yeah.

Everybody's sure it's a brown recluse. That wolf spider over there, he's a brown recluse. So is that daddy longlegs. They're the most misidentified spider around.

If you live in the Midwest, particularly around Missouri (where they're most numerous), they're everywhere.



Lived in a house that was infested with them. You get paranoid real quick. And don't forget to shake out the bedsheets.

/diatomaceous earth is your best friend

Last year our basement had a leak in the corner. The woman who lived here previously had a walk-in closet built in and the leak was coming from behind the plywood.

I put on some gloves and started ripping it out. The stupid coal-shoot wasn't sealed properly so water was spilling in. As I'm pulling back the wood, a spider pops out from behind one of the 2x4s. Motherfarkin' hell it was a brown recluse.

I jumped like a little girl onto a chair I brought in. I look up at the coal shoot and see all these little q-tip things and notice they're all egg sacks.

I went all John Goodman (minus flame thrower). I'm usually not scared of spiders but I'm not messing with a brown recluse.

/cool story bro!

Why didn't he just get his children Megatron and Optimus Prime to deal with it?

His brother (new window) did it.

Rule #1 - If it's a big spider, it isn't a brown recluse. They're about the size of a quarter.

Well done, subby. I laughed a lot.

Spider in your Christmas tree is good luck. usually.
Christmas Spider Story (new window)

Why do I always come into this motherfrackin spider threads?!

Thankfully no one posted any seriously creepy pics.
Also, Arachnophobia is the scariest movie of all time, that and Swimfan.

+1 Subby. If I had another I'd give you +2. That headline was awesome!

There's a funny joke in there somewhere, but it sure isn't going to come from Dane Cook.

brigid_fitch: FTFA: "I was pretty sure it was a brown recluse"

Brown Recluse spider bites are nasty, too. My father got bitten by one and was hospitalized for three days pumping him full of antibiotics. There was a good 2" wound where they had to cut away the necrotic tissue and even after it healed, it left an awful scar. Luckily it was only on his ankle.

If you're curious, do a GIS for brown recluse bite. But I warn you, you'll need a really strong stomach

Same situation happened with my father, only the bite was on the back of his neck.
I went to visit him in the hospital, and asked if I could get him anything. He looked around for nurses then asked me to get him a can of skoal. I laughed and said ok, then asked him what he going to use for a spitter. He looked at me like I'm stupid and advised me that it would not be a problem.

GypsyJoker:

Goddammit, why does every map I see have the place where I live surrounded by the red color that means "scary/farked up/deadly/economically devastating/genocidal/radioactive/flatulent thing lives or happens here"?

This was actually something that happened to Louis CK.

semiotix: GypsyJoker:

Goddammit, why does every map I see have the place where I live surrounded by the red color that means "scary/farked up/deadly/economically devastating/genocidal/radioactive/flatulent thing lives or happens here"?

I think you live reasonably near me (southern Illinois).

MikoSquiz: This was actually something that happened to Louis CK.

Winner!

GypsyJoker: semiotix: GypsyJoker:

Goddammit, why does every map I see have the place where I live surrounded by the red color that means "scary/farked up/deadly/economically devastating/genocidal/radioactive/flatulent thing lives or happens here"?

I think you live reasonably near me (southern Illinois).

Northern Mississippi, so yes, I do. Kinda scary how close they are, huh?!

semiotix: GypsyJoker: semiotix: GypsyJoker:

Goddammit, why does every map I see have the place where I live surrounded by the red color that means "scary/farked up/deadly/economically devastating/genocidal/radioactive/flatulent thing lives or happens here"?

I think you live reasonably near me (southern Illinois).

Northern Mississippi, so yes, I do. Kinda scary how close they are, huh?!

Well, yeah, that's reasonably close. Close enough to be equally swarmed by recluse, anyway.

Diatomaceous earth. It'll make the creepies go away.

Nobody deserves to be bitten to death by spiders. That shiat just ain't cool.

mialynneb: Last year our basement had a leak in the corner. The woman who lived here previously had a walk-in closet built in and the leak was coming from behind the plywood.

I put on some gloves and started ripping it out. The stupid coal-shoot wasn't sealed properly so water was spilling in. As I'm pulling back the wood, a spider pops out from behind one of the 2x4s. Motherfarkin' hell it was a brown recluse.

I jumped like a little girl onto a chair I brought in. I look up at the coal shoot and see all these little q-tip things and notice they're all egg sacks.

I went all John Goodman (minus flame thrower). I'm usually not scared of spiders but I'm not messing with a brown recluse.

/cool story bro!


Or chute, even.

Crap, why do I get to move from nice, safe Hawaii where nothing kills you to death-target USA?

geekyspice:
Crap, why do I get to move from nice, safe Hawaii where nothing kills you to death-target USA?

You moved from a volcano surrounded by sharks, into a nest of spiders. I'd recommend Michigan due to its lack of venomous creatures, but here you can become unemployed in the dead of winter, assuming you survive the drive to the office.

GypsyJoker: If you live in the Midwest, particularly around Missouri (where they're most numerous), they're everywhere.

Don't forget that they can migrate outside their range pretty easy if the weather is right that year. I live near Notre Damn and we get them from time to time if the weather is nice that year. Found one in my shoe last year, thankfully its been pretty cool this year so they've been pretty tame.

My dad got bit by one few years back, farking leg almost went full on hack saw the damn thing off necrotic on him.

/cool story bro

Why do they call bananas "bananas"? (new window)
/wonk!

Louis CK is WAY better. Even Dane Cook thinks he's great! (new window)

Louis CK is brilliant...no doubt about it.

Im not sure if i buy into the whole Dane Cook stealing situation but i still hate him.

Had the pleasure of seeing Louis CK live with my girl this year, excellent show.

shorynot:

Had the pleasure of seeing Louis CK live with my girl this year, excellent show.

Personally, I would have found that awkward...but hey, whatever floats your swinging/voyeuristic boat.