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(Wikipedia)   It's December 23rd, and you know what that means; it's time to put up the pole, prepare for the feats of strength. Happy Festivus, everyone; air your grievances to the right   (en.wikipedia.org) divider line 300
    More: Cool, the Airing of Grievances, George Costanza, The Real Festivus, Jason Alexander, Illinois Secretary of State, secular, Blagojevich, rituals  
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11051 clicks; posted to Main » on 23 Dec 2009 at 12:00 AM (4 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2009-12-23 12:03:43 PM
To my boss: Stop changing the project scope every farking week. Also, saying things like "Let's not change anything until we get everything to work," doesn't make any sense. It doesn't work right now, so how do we make it work without changing it? STFU and let me do my job.

To the guy who might be hiring me: Shiat or get off the pot. Quit jerking me around. I need a job, you need an engineer, either put something on paper or quit wasting my time.

To my future inlaws: WTF is wrong with you people? You're all convinced that everything around us is going to kill us or is evil in some way. Eating bread is not going to kill me. Multivitamins will not replace prescription medicine. Cinnamon on my cereal will not regulate my blood pressure. Not everyone needs to check their blood pressure five times a day. Why do you people only believe things you read when they're in email forwards???

To Hollywood: Start making comedies with real humor again. Watching Martin Lawrence scream about the situations he's in is not comedy. Also, try making a villain with a real motivation for once. Nobody is evil for the sake of evil, that's retarded.

To Drew: reclaim your balls from whoever stole them and put a few boobies links on the main page every once in a while. I know, I'll Get Over It (tm), but I miss oldfark (circa 2001 or so).

To "those" atheists: STFU, you condescending ass-hats. People will believe whatever they want to believe, and there's not a damn thing you can say to stop it. If somebody wishes you a merry Christmas, they're not oppressing you. They're just trying to be nice. I'm sure if they knew you better, they wouldn't.

To my roomie: You are not the font of all knowledge. In particular, maybe the guy who has taken masters level courses in metallurgy and fracture mechanics knows a bit more about it than you do. Also, Fox News is not the only farking channel we get. This is especially true when I bring my fiance over. She doesn't have cable at her place, and maybe, just maybe, she didn't come over so that she could be bored to tears by the ramblings of the FN talking heads. You really have become completely insufferable. And no, US Army infantry are not the best trained soldiers in the world. They're grunts. They are generally considered some of the dumbest sacks of shiat on the planet. You've done a fine job turning into one.

To my other roomie: Actually I'm OK with you. Your cat bit me, but I think I deserved that.

To OU: Fark you. You couldn't let us have one shot at a BCS bowl, could you? You just had to go and fark up our season in the last damn game. And for what? It didn't get you onto the ranked teams list. It didn't even get you a better bowl bid. It just screwed us over. You guys are a-holes.
 
2009-12-23 12:04:41 PM
To those of you who create the ratings that inspire TV execs to create shows like, well, just about everything that's on: There is a special circle of hell just for you people and I hope one day to become the lord of that ring...
 
2009-12-23 12:08:00 PM
Couple more quick ones:

People who hate on Drew Carey. Ok, I can see why his hosting style is not for everyone, but quit saying he is the worst game show host ever. He is not Bob Barker, he is not trying to be Bob Barker, and since he figured that out, he has improved dramatically. He has made The Price Is Right is own, and the audience loves him as anyone who has watched the show can see. I can respect your opinions, but enough of the blind hatred and let the rest of us enjoy him.

My old geography professor. We are college students, so don't talk to us like we were five years old. We don't need clues like "it starts with a P" if we didn't the answer. Your speaking style made you sound like Jerry Seinfeld, except not entertaining,

Twitter. You are useless. Our media should not be using you as their sources and opinion pieces. I think MySpace is more reliable for that information.
 
2009-12-23 12:09:29 PM
The Grievances:

To my employer: How is it more efficient to employ ten people to have meetings, send memos, etc. to decide why something simply can't be done than it was to pay the one person who used to actually do it?

To my boss: Fark you. I am not your personal slave. ...and would it just absolutely kill you to say "good morning" every once in a while before barking out commands the minute you get in? Okay, how about just not looking disgusted if I should say "good morning" to you?

To all my neighbors: Thanks so much for moving to town, demanding the best education someone else's money can buy for your precious crotchfruit, then moving away after they've graduated 'cause "the taxes are just too high".

My one Festivus wish:

A decent nudie bar somewhere in the neighborhood.

My Feat of Strength:

Wrestling the dead hooker into the trunk of the car.
 
2009-12-23 12:10:33 PM
To my employer: Thanks for being completely inconsistent and unreliable with your pay schedule and for being almost completely unsupportive to your faculty when it comes with dealing with the complaints from all of the well-below-average precious snowflakes you have to admit to keep afloat. Want student performance to improve? Don't admit semi-literate idiots who have no chance of getting through their first semester.

To the aforementioned snowflakes: No, you're not going to be an engineer, doctor, or pharmacist. You just don't have what it takes, and that's fine. There's something else for you to do in life. But do not farking try to blame me or anybody else for your failure. STFU and choose a different career. Regardless of what your high school guidance counselor told you, you can't be anything you want to be.

To the American political right and spineless Dems who sold out the people on health care reform: GTFO and let competent people run this country.
 
2009-12-23 12:11:22 PM
Ahh, Festivus.
What can I say, it is my Birthday as well, so I gave myself a Fark account after being a lurker for several years.
No grievances.....life is good.
 
2009-12-23 12:14:00 PM
nutkick_42: To "those" atheists: STFU, you condescending ass-hats. People will believe whatever they want to believe, and there's not a damn thing you can say to stop it. If somebody wishes you a merry Christmas, they're not oppressing you. They're just trying to be nice. I'm sure if they knew you better, they wouldn't.

This. And your movie rant is pretty spot on also. I'm sick of Seth Rogan being treated like the next George C. Scott.

Also, I really really hate Dane Cook. His comedy specials are all over the place, yet it's once in a lifetime event if Ron White is on, and FYE doesn't even have a John Capurulo DVD in town. The one guy I would actually spend money on, and I may have to torrent him to enjoy his work.
 
2009-12-23 12:17:30 PM
I've thought of more grievances.

Jon & Kate: Now that you're divorced, leave us alone. It's bad enough that you got paid for bringing 8 people into this world. People, I might add, who will have grown up with such a deluded sense of entitlement because they had unrealistic expectations set at a quite early age. You're insistance upon having kids when biology thought it was a wiser choise for you not to they originally decided you be infertile. You wasted so much space whoring out your problems, problems, I might add, that you caused when you figured a reality show was the best way to pay for your brood. I do, however, believe TMZ will be thrilled when your spawn begin making headlines for their behavior in about a dozen years or so.

Octomom: You Farking exist.

Glenn Beck: Aside from the 1990 R & M you still manage to evade justice for, your blatant distortions of fact which you continue to spew are as anti-american as they come. I wish the founding fathers would rise from their graves and ritualistically sodomize you with the bayonettes they carried at your continual bastardization of the contstitution.

To the sales woman who farked up the account I worked on: You are so inept at everything that doesn't involve the basic reflects to convert oxygen to carbon dioxide, I hope your next job involves wearing a name tag, burning french fries, and getting shat upon by some 22 year old assistant manager.

Tom Cruise: Just DIAF. Come out of the closet. It's OK. There are still women who are vapid enough to pay to see your shiatty movies. It's OK to be the ghey.

Robert Downey Jr.: You are making me wait 6 WHOLE MONTHS to see IM2.

Kate Winslet and anyone involved in making The Reader: I want those farking two hours of my life back. Kate, I expected more from you. I expected more from that movie. And someone decided your movie was somehow good enough to snag a nom over 'Gran Tornino' ?!?!??! (The hands-down best movie of last year.!) Fark you and your boobies, since, as my boyfriend said, was the only reason to sit through the movie.

! *heart* Festivus!
 
2009-12-23 12:17:45 PM
nutkick_42: Nobody is evil for the sake of evil, that's retarded.


Ann Coulter?
 
2009-12-23 12:23:45 PM
pwhp_67: nutkick_42: Nobody is evil for the sake of evil, that's retarded.


Ann Coulter?


Nope, not even. She's evil because she discovered it pays big bucks.
 
2009-12-23 12:41:08 PM
avalanche: To my employer: Thanks for being completely inconsistent and unreliable with your pay schedule and for being almost completely unsupportive to your faculty when it comes with dealing with the complaints from all of the well-below-average precious snowflakes you have to admit to keep afloat. Want student performance to improve? Don't admit semi-literate idiots who have no chance of getting through their first semester.

To the aforementioned snowflakes: No, you're not going to be an engineer, doctor, or pharmacist. You just don't have what it takes, and that's fine. There's something else for you to do in life. But do not farking try to blame me or anybody else for your failure. STFU and choose a different career. Regardless of what your high school guidance counselor told you, you can't be anything you want to be.


As a college student that has worked in our admissions and advisement offices, I say this to this as well. I truly cannot figure out where they get these people from.
 
2009-12-23 12:46:35 PM
Braindeath: The Incredible Sexual Egg: I've got one - You mods and your snooty image disabling power. FREE GORGOR

THIS


FREE GORGOR INDEED!

And THAT would be a true festivus miracle.

/still knows better than to click
 
2009-12-23 12:50:40 PM
i41.photobucket.com
I am stuck at work so I put up my Festivus Desk Pole. It's an aluminum pole we use at work held up by the mounting brackets we use. I think I may take it home with me tonight to put in the front window while I air my grievances with my girlfriend... Then she can pin me in feats of strength later in bed.
 
2009-12-23 12:58:08 PM
I don't even know where to begin:

To the USA: nowhere in the core values of our country, nor its founding documents does it create an underclass of citizenship. Therefore, the concept that non-heterosexuals require any process to prove our equality is entirely un-American. In order to deny us rights, or even to DISCUSS what rights we should have, it must first be established that we are in fact unequal to the "rest" of the citizens of the US. Stop it.

To my employer: not giving us cost of living raises for over 2 years, cutting benefits and then partially restoring some of them and announcing it as some kind of gift is disingenuous at best. Spending money in places that aren't necessary while telling us that WE have to cut costs is eroding employee morale. Now telling us that employees are your #1 concern for 2010 but doing absolutely nothing to actually listen to us doesn't help. Stop it.

To my landlord: Just because you live 100 miles away doesn't mean that I've become your building manager, especially when I pay as much in rent as all of the other tenants who have no obligations to maintaining the property. I don't MIND being the one who does all of the shoveling, takes out the garbage, cleans the sidewalk, etc. but it would be nice to give me a break on the rent for doing these things, or at the least getting a break from hearing you biatch about everything when you do show up. We put several hundred dollars a year on making the place look nice with free gardening, far more than you paid in water. While we appreciate the new toilet that we didn't ask for, it would be nice to have lights on the front porch, especially in the winter when the steps you don't treat properly become icy. Do better.

To my in-laws: I don't care that you don't approve of my "lifestyle choice". I don't care that you want me to be a completely fictional construct of a person so that you don't have to explain to your kids that one of their relatives is gay (even though your sister is). Personally, I don't care if I ever meet my nieces and nephew or if they even know I exist. However, blackmailing my parents to obey your selfish whims or cutting off contact with their grandchildren and telling your kids that their grandparents don't love them because they can't afford to visit YOU when you have personally prevented any of your family from visiting US in the last 17 years is not only un-Christian, it's immoral. When you get to hell, you won't be seeing me there.

To my deceased spouse: WHERE the #$)(*%$(# is the key to the cabinet in the dining room? I've been looking for it since you died. I managed to get around not being able to find the car's title, but that key is a complete mystery. Also, I can't find the paperwork your sister sent you and she thinks that I'm hoarding your possessions... Speaking of the car, I think it's dead. I miss you terribly. I hope there is an afterlife because I have many things to talk to you about when we next encounter each other. I hope I've made you proud. I'm trying.

To my friends: I realize that I've been a hermit since F died, and I'm WAY too broke to do any socializing, but really, you're all VERY welcome to drop by anytime. I just like being in my place these days, but I would love to share it with all of you.

To the kitties: I love you both dearly, but no, you can't have treats every 10 minutes between meals. You guys already generate enough litter waste to require your own land fill.

To me: I know you hate housework, but really - is it THAT hard to fold and put away laundry more than what appears to be once a year? FARK will be there when you get back. Really. Also, the reality is that you need a second job and you have to come up with a solution soon or you'll be on the street.

To my best friend: no the world is NOT going to end in 2012. You're smarter than this. Cut it out.
 
2009-12-23 01:01:47 PM
We celebrated Festivus '09 at Town Hall Brewery on Monday night. Camp fire outside, tapping of Festuvis '09 (mocha stout with chocolate and coffee) and free mulled ale (scotch ale heated over a fire, steeped with spices and a shot of rum added to each glass). They had paper around the pub to air ones grievances but asked that people refrain from feats of strength.
 
2009-12-23 01:04:32 PM
hyperflame: Farker Lewis Can't Lose: My Grievances:

F*CK YOU TO THE LOTTERY GODS: Why in the world won't you let me win the lottery? You're always giving the gift of winning to the lottery to some old farmer guy, or trashy couple that says something like "I just plan on buying a new truck" or "THe first thing I'm going to buy is a dishwasher"

IF I hit the lotto, I am going to put at LEAST 100 strippers through college. I'm going to support the children of drug dealers. Seriously lotto gods, think of the children!

Give the money to someone that will SPEND IT AND ENJOY IT. Don't give it to someone that JUST WANTS A TRUCK. I'll buy them that truck and a dishwasher. If that's all they need, bless them with a $25,000 scratch off winner and save the 160 million for ME...OR SOMEONE ELSE THAT PLANS ON SPENDING THE MONEY LIKE A DUMBARSE.


/ready for the feats of strength

THIS, QFT, and fark YEAH

Never understood why the lottery seems to go to inbred hicks. How about throwing a lottery of a few hundred million dollars my way? I'll pay my fair share of taxes (so the government can continue our idiotic adventures overseas), pay a good portion to charity (my university could use some new classrooms and computers, and I'm sure the local museums could do something nice in exchange for a few million), invest the rest in bonds and live happily ever after. I'll even pay for TF for everybody for a month or so.

Relatives: Go straight to hell, do not pass Go. I want to see less of you, as much as possible.

Family: You're awesome. Continue being awesome.

World: It would be nice to get a job again. How about coming out of this recession?


Umm, that would be mostly because Rocket Scientists know better than to waste there money on such a crappy risk/reward as lottery tickets offer. Inbred hicks, not so much...

Oh, and Happy Festivus!

Grievances: I can't stand all you people who vent on the internet!
 
2009-12-23 01:12:33 PM
Bagels NO! Festivus YES!
 
2009-12-23 01:20:00 PM
lots of festivus birthdays!! me too!!!!!
 
2009-12-23 01:25:45 PM
BeatrixK: Mentat: Airing of Grievances:

Kansas City Chiefs - You suck. Seriously, you suck. Your coach sucks, your general manager sucks, your owner sucks, your $60 million qb sucks, your running back is good when he isn't fumble sucking, your receivers suck, your defense sucks, your special teams sucks. Stop sucking.

Lawrence, Kansas - Seriously, wtf is wrong with you people? Seriously.


I *heart* you for your grievances!


I think your grievance is weak and challenge you to a feat of strength.

/lions.. um.. fan?
 
2009-12-23 01:42:22 PM
Homma-Mama! Look out for the bad lighting on that porch!
 
2009-12-23 01:50:20 PM
My life sucks, my job sucks, my bank account sucks, my sex life sucks, my car sucks, my house sucks, my family sucks, I'm hungry, tired, cold, physically discomfortable, and farking sick of Christmas music.

Ahh, that feels better.
 
2009-12-23 02:18:53 PM
You are a self-centered, lazy, stupid, philandering, ignorant, old, ugly, lame, stinky, don't care about anybody but yourself class A+ Dick.


If I ever get the chance, we'll straighten this all out...
 
2009-12-23 02:24:44 PM
violetvolume
"To My Illustrious Boss: You dickhead, what kind of slave driver makes his employees work until 3 on Christmas Eve?"

Ummm, almost every boss in every company out there.

/just sayin
 
2009-12-23 02:28:49 PM
To my ex-husband: You said you finally wanted a kid after 15 years together, so we tried. I got pregnant 3 months later, you freaked out and divorced me when I wouldn't agree to a laundry list of required changes. Now I am giving birth in 7 weeks, and you haven't bothered to even find out what hospital I am using. This makes me and baby angry.

To my boss: One week of paid maternity leave? I understand you are rich, but you pay me peanuts and I have student loans and a mortgage to pay. I'll be bringing my breastfeeding newborn to work for a few months. Just FYI.

And to my father: The world is not ending. Just because you are 70 and on your last leg, this doesn't mean Armageddon is upon us. You can stop stocking up on ammunition and canned dumplings from the dollar store. Humanity will go on long after you are dead and buried. And stop sending me "REPENT NOW!" emails in all caps. I don't read them.

Happy Festivus, everyone!

i287.photobucket.com
 
2009-12-23 02:32:25 PM
territ: To my ex-husband: You said you finally wanted a kid after 15 years together, so we tried. I got pregnant 3 months later, you freaked out and divorced me when I wouldn't agree to a laundry list of required changes. Now I am giving birth in 7 weeks, and you haven't bothered to even find out what hospital I am using. This makes me and baby angry.

Dare I ask what changes?

I'm not questioning your judgement; I'm just wondering exactly how crazy they were. :)
 
2009-12-23 02:36:15 PM
ccunningham22: BeatrixK: Mentat: Airing of Grievances:

Kansas City Chiefs - You suck. Seriously, you suck. Your coach sucks, your general manager sucks, your owner sucks, your $60 million qb sucks, your running back is good when he isn't fumble sucking, your receivers suck, your defense sucks, your special teams sucks. Stop sucking.

Lawrence, Kansas - Seriously, wtf is wrong with you people? Seriously.


I *heart* you for your grievances!

I think your grievance is weak and challenge you to a feat of strength.

/lions.. um.. fan?


I am coached in my feats of strength by the KC Chiefs...you shall probably best me in 3.5 seconds.
 
2009-12-23 02:45:45 PM
A few on the list included:

1) Get rid of/put outside the 2 cats I'd had since he met me. My old, clawless, toothless cats that would not make it through a winter, or would be gassed at a shelter.
2) Become more vegetarian (specifically, he wanted 67% or more vegetarian meals served in the house) - even though I was now pregnant and needed protein.
3) Exercise more - Even though I weighed 112 pounds pre-pregnancy and did a good job of managing my weight and health with diet/nutrition. He wouldn't exercise alone (while he was home all day, unemployed in this crappy economy while I worked.) I had to do it, too, after work.

There were numerous others, but I got the feeling what he really wanted was for me to become more like the chick he'd fallen for at work.

/dances 'round the Festivus pole
 
2009-12-23 02:49:49 PM
My grievance is that this is not pinned to the top of the headlines and that I only noticed it after reading through them all. I am an important man and have no time to waste. Also where is that beer I am expecting everyone to send me? I shall best you all in feats of strength.
 
2009-12-23 02:53:32 PM
territ: A few on the list included:

1) Get rid of/put outside the 2 cats I'd had since he met me. My old, clawless, toothless cats that would not make it through a winter, or would be gassed at a shelter.
2) Become more vegetarian (specifically, he wanted 67% or more vegetarian meals served in the house) - even though I was now pregnant and needed protein.
3) Exercise more - Even though I weighed 112 pounds pre-pregnancy and did a good job of managing my weight and health with diet/nutrition. He wouldn't exercise alone (while he was home all day, unemployed in this crappy economy while I worked.) I had to do it, too, after work.

There were numerous others, but I got the feeling what he really wanted was for me to become more like the chick he'd fallen for at work.

/dances 'round the Festivus pole


I hereby dub him A Giant Toolbox (tm) and applaud your 2009 Halloween costume. :)
 
2009-12-23 02:56:02 PM
Alpha Sierra Foxtrot: territ: A few on the list included:

1) Get rid of/put outside the 2 cats I'd had since he met me. My old, clawless, toothless cats that would not make it through a winter, or would be gassed at a shelter.
2) Become more vegetarian (specifically, he wanted 67% or more vegetarian meals served in the house) - even though I was now pregnant and needed protein.
3) Exercise more - Even though I weighed 112 pounds pre-pregnancy and did a good job of managing my weight and health with diet/nutrition. He wouldn't exercise alone (while he was home all day, unemployed in this crappy economy while I worked.) I had to do it, too, after work.

There were numerous others, but I got the feeling what he really wanted was for me to become more like the chick he'd fallen for at work.

/dances 'round the Festivus pole

I hereby dub him A Giant Toolbox (tm) and applaud your 2009 Halloween costume. :)


Haha, thank you very much. I hope my son finds it as awesome as I did.
 
2009-12-23 03:00:52 PM
shill1253: class A+ Dick

This is the dick rating thead ?
Festivus poles didnt used to be that way, but ok, that works too
To each his own, and from each the chance of sharing
 
2009-12-23 03:36:32 PM
kpottruff: My grievance is that this is not pinned to the top of the headlines and that I only noticed it after reading through them all. I am an important man and have no time to waste. Also where is that beer I am expecting everyone to send me? I shall best you all in feats of strength.

Oh, this reminds me, and while I am biatching?

My TotalFark Secret Santa scrooged me!

/hmmph!
//I sent my giftee YouGotBeer.com!

And my feat of strength is that I am 8 months pregnant with an elephant child. Holy crap it hurts.
 
2009-12-23 03:38:04 PM
To my boyfriend: Get a job. I mean, at least LOOK for one. One interview in six months does not instill confidence. I know you have enough money to sit on your ass and play video games for the next three years, but that doesn't mean that you should. At the very least, don't tell me that my perfectly normal 40hr/week+hour commute desk job is taking so much of my time that you are feeling neglected. I love you, but if your money runs out and you ask me to support you without making any effort to support yourself, I will drive you straight back to your mom's house.

To my roommates: You wonder why you have a crappy/no job, are fat, and don't have any money, while I started with zero and after two years have a salary higher than the rest of the house put together? Maybe if you weren't high as a kite when you (didn't) show up to work, you might be doing better. Weed may never have killed anyone, but if you guys are any indication, it sure has ruined lives.

To my boss: Seriously? I mean, really? You, sir, are a living Pointy Haired Boss. Your stupid knows no bounds. I am only glad that up to this point in time, your stupid has only made for extra work for me and stories that are very funny after the fact, and not caused any lasting harm.

To my xBox: In the name of all that is holy, if you Red Ring or E74 one more farking time, I will coat you in lard and throw you into the bear exhibit at the zoo. Also, I've been cheating on you with the Wii.

To the Redskins: What. The. fark.

/Feats of Strength, anyone?
 
2009-12-23 03:41:09 PM
territ: kpottruff: My grievance is that this is not pinned to the top of the headlines and that I only noticed it after reading through them all. I am an important man and have no time to waste. Also where is that beer I am expecting everyone to send me? I shall best you all in feats of strength.

Oh, this reminds me, and while I am biatching?

My TotalFark Secret Santa scrooged me!

/hmmph!
//I sent my giftee YouGotBeer.com!

And my feat of strength is that I am 8 months pregnant with an elephant child. Holy crap it hurts.


My secret Santa sent me a white elephant. Literally. About 3 feet high with a platform on his back to put something on.......elephant babies, maybe?


/wait til you birth that elephant
//OUCH, that hurts!
///good luck and drugs
 
2009-12-23 04:20:13 PM
territ: To my ex-husband: You said you finally wanted a kid after 15 years together, so we tried. I got pregnant 3 months later, you freaked out and divorced me when I wouldn't agree to a laundry list of required changes. Now I am giving birth in 7 weeks, and you haven't bothered to even find out what hospital I am using. This makes me and baby angry.

Holy shiat, territ, you win the thread! I was going to add my grievances, but they're just too pathetic. I and everyone else here need to man the fark up!
 
2009-12-23 04:37:24 PM
Inhalien: violetvolume
"To My Illustrious Boss: You dickhead, what kind of slave driver makes his employees work until 3 on Christmas Eve?"

Ummm, almost every boss in every company out there.

/just sayin


My fellow cube drones and I get to leave the office at 4:00 today (Festivus), and we get not only Christmas, but Christmas-Eve off!
 
2009-12-23 04:55:56 PM
pwhp_67: nutkick_42: Nobody is evil for the sake of evil, that's retarded.


Ann Coulter?


Nancy Pelosi?
Janet Reno?
Margret Thatcher?
Martha Stewart?
 
2009-12-23 04:56:58 PM
skinny-lil-b: territ: kpottruff:

Oh, this reminds me, and while I am biatching?

My TotalFark Secret Santa scrooged me!

/hmmph!
//I sent my giftee YouGotBeer.com!

And my feat of strength is that I am 8 months pregnant with an elephant child. Holy crap it hurts.

My secret Santa sent me a white elephant. Literally. About 3 feet high with a platform on his back to put something on.......elephant babies, maybe?

/wait til you birth that elephant
//OUCH, that hurts!
///good luck and drugs


Many thanks. I plan to request 3 epidurals.

And har har har at an actual white elephant. I think someone took the phrase a little too literally.

Tony Baloney: territ: To my ex-husband: You said you finally wanted a kid after 15 years together, so we tried. I got pregnant 3 months later, you freaked out and divorced me when I wouldn't agree to a laundry list of required changes. Now I am giving birth in 7 weeks, and you haven't bothered to even find out what hospital I am using. This makes me and baby angry.

Holy shiat, territ, you win the thread! I was going to add my grievances, but they're just too pathetic. I and everyone else here need to man the fark up!


Thanks. I always wanted to win one of these.

/puts it on the mantle
 
2009-12-23 05:03:48 PM
ArmyWarVet: pwhp_67: nutkick_42: Nobody is evil for the sake of evil, that's retarded.


Ann Coulter?

Nancy Pelosi?
Janet Reno?
Margret Thatcher?
Martha Stewart?



Martha? Hey now... I like Martha, she's insane (and insanely wealthy, which I guess would make her eccentric).
 
2009-12-23 05:15:59 PM
StreetlightInTheGhetto:By the way, two years ago, her fit was instigated by my not putting sprinkles onto the cookies properly. I know this is BS, and I'm the sane one, but it's hard to not let that get to you.

That line about the sprinkles made me lolz. Sometimes I think it would be better if some parents simply ate their children at birth.
It would save the kid a lot of grief.
 
RnR
2009-12-23 06:07:15 PM
territ: To my ex-husband: You said you finally wanted a kid after 15 years together, so we tried. I got pregnant 3 months later, you freaked out and divorced me when I wouldn't agree to a laundry list of required changes. Now I am giving birth in 7 weeks, and you haven't bothered to even find out what hospital I am using. This makes me and baby angry.


Happy Festivus, everyone!


Just letting you know, if your ex doesn't wanna realize he's being stupid and man up! I will ! rawr !
 
2009-12-23 08:14:55 PM
ArmyWarVet: pwhp_67: nutkick_42: Nobody is evil for the sake of evil, that's retarded.


Ann Coulter?

Nancy Pelosi?
Janet Reno?
Margret Thatcher?
Martha Stewart?


Any particular reason why your idea of evil people happens to be all female? Just curious...
 
2009-12-23 08:21:22 PM
OK, I wasn't gonna, but I gotta throw this out here: 1) to get it off my chest, and; 2) to hopefully make someone, somewhere, who actually reads my wall o' text maybe, just maybe feel a tiny little bit better about their own life.

My grievances:

To Department Co-Worker: Quit surfing porn at work. Just because you're in an out-of-the-way cubicle doesn't mean you're invisible. If you get canned for it I'll probably get stuck picking up your slack. Also, would it kill you to wash your hair more than once a week? I'd tell you to shave that disgusting dirty beard, too, if I wasn't afraid of what I might see behind it.

To Co-Workers in My Old Department: STFU and GBTW. The rest of us are sick of your constant whining. If you just did your job, you wouldn't have anything to whine about. On the other hand, maybe you just like whining.

To Sister-in-Law #1's Husband: Get off your lazy backside and take whatever steps you must to secure a future for your wife and your infant daughter, if not yourself. You should have gotten your act together and taken care of your body and your medical paperwork years ago when you were at the beginning of your problems, then you might have already gotten the kidney transplant you need and wouldn't be racing the clock now. Contrary to your own over-inflated ego and opinion, you're not immortal and now you're finding out how wrong you are the hard way, and have no one and nothing to blame but yourself and your own hubris. If you somehow survive your ordeal, man up, quit playing the victim card, and get a job and WORK at it. The fact that you haven't been able to stay employed anywhere longer than 6 months your whole life is not society's fault, it's YOURS.

To Sister-in-Law #1: Your husband is a loser. Stop being a doormat/enabler and do whatever you can (within reason) to compel him to fulfill his responsibilities as a MAN and the father of your child. He's known about his health issues since long before you were ever involved with him, and the fact that he didn't take care of business then (to say nothing of his dismal employment record) should have been a huge red flag for you. If he took care of his responsibilities instead of playing video games and ignoring his doctors, you wouldn't have to suffer the embarrassment of asking your mom for help since even before he started downhill health-wise. If he somehow survives and gets his transplant, and STILL doesn't get his act together, LEAVE HIM.

To Sister-in-Law #2: Grow up already and deal with your self-esteem issues instead of using them as an excuse for all the insane stuff you pull. Stop lying to everyone, especially your family. We all see right through you and have longer memories than you think. We love you and want better things in life for you, but acting like an entitled brat just makes us sick of you. Stop griping about your ex as if your divorce was all his fault -- it was YOUR decision to sleep around behind his back rather than try working out your issues like rational adults. Stop dating losers you meet on WoW just because they stroke your ego and send WIE; they're still losers. Stop calling my wife only when you want something; call her because she's your SISTER and you (hopefully) CARE about her.

To Mother-in-Law: I understand you've got your hands full helping your other daughters deal with their problems, but could you please be just a little more vocal in your appreciation of your eldest? She's toed the line (even when it was hard) and become what you wanted all of your kids to be, yet gets the shortest shrift of the bunch. I can't stand seeing her cry when you actively exclude her while going out of your way to do extra stuff for her less-accomplished sisters. You don't have to get her a trophy or kiss her feet, just pay attention to her once in a while when she reaches out to you. Just because she has it together doesn't mean she doesn't need you sometimes, too.

To Mom: Stop with the proselytizing. Your religious enthusiasm is admirable, but your blunt forcefulness is embarrassing, annoying, and quite frankly misguided. Thankfully, no one is going to Hell just because YOU think they should, and the rest of us are tired of hearing who's on your list. Stop harping on my sister to have a baby. She doesn't hafta if she doesn't wanna; end of story.

To Dad and Gramps: Stop forwarding me the endless e-trail of freeper whaargarbl you get and give me an actual letter/e-mail/phone call. It pains me that anyone as intelligent and accomplished as you two could fall prey to the siren song of uninformed hatred and count themselves among the birthers. You are now in the exact position as those you denounced a short few years ago as unpatriotic and anti-American for daring to criticize the president, and your hypocrisy shames us all.

To Me: Start doing more around the house; the wife needs all the help and more that you can give her. Read to your kids; it's one of the few things that's good for them that they WANT you to do. No more Fark at work! You're in a high-traffic area and no matter how stellar your year-end numbers are, they're still gonna remember that you slacked off and could have done more.

\End Rant
\\I feel better, even if I am a big whiner
\\\Happy Festivus!
 
2009-12-24 12:07:06 AM
To my job: I absolutely despise you and hope that one day I can give you as much grief and impedance as you have given me!

To my wife: Quit being so damn hot and stop putting up with all of my complaining from work! And make more homemade perogies

To the women on The View: Just shut up already and quit entertaining my wife!

/At least we're all complaining together!
//Happy FestivUS
 
2009-12-24 09:58:13 AM
UtileDysfunktion: Any particular reason why your idea of evil people happens to be all female? Just curious...

'Cuz that's whut it seyz in the Good Book.

/bunch of apple eaters
 
2009-12-24 04:08:46 PM
Further Grievances unaired yesterday:

Seriously, left wingers, "I didn't sit on facebook posting how Obama was gonna do this!!". Fark you. Did you not actually LISTEN to his words? They're balanced, real, and if you didn't like them, stop treating him like it like it's a betrayal. He did EXACTLY what he said he was going to, and it's the right idea so get off his back and let him do his farking JOB.

To the budget people at Brooklyn College: Good work, new person, working for nothing, happy to continue just for some more hours... and ya fire me the same day my lease runs out and I graduate. I've spent 6 months job hunting, working for a bunch of redneck screws to find a career job. Thanks much.

WWE, screw you. Seriously, it's not even fun anymore.

World of Warcraft Rogues... just... go to hell. Stunlock, cry, whine, be lower on the meters then me, then complain when I roll on the AGL/Expertise back armor from Lord Morrowgar... fark you.

Student Loan people: I HAVE NO FARKING MONEY. Go ahead, I'll pay one month. Stones don't have blood, you lunkheads! Work with me!

To Fark: Stop being so entertaining!

To D.C. Comics: WHy did you release an awesome art print from the Starman series... then made it 26x26. Do you have any idea how hard it is to get a 26x26 frame? Also, what the fark with my boy Green Arrow?

To Damian Duchamp of New York New York: You owe me my 750$ rent deposit. I'm finding your arse and taking it in flesh if you don't call me soon!

Bret Hart: Hey mate, why release that book? I don't want to think of my CHildhood Idol doing coke and cheating on the mother of his children!!

Apple computer: I love your company.... but headless iMac, 999$ with a real graphics card. PLEASE.

there... that should be everything that really gets my goat.
 
2009-12-24 04:36:29 PM
I'm a little late, but I'll air what few grievances I have.

To my ex-wife, go fark yourself and stop blaming me for your problems. You created them yourself.

To my ex-step-daughter, I'm shocked you aren't knocked up or have an STD by now. Luck has been with you. There's always next year, unless you die from an overdose or end up in prison first.

To women who complain there are no nice guys out there. Here's some batteries, now go fark yourself.

To all my friends (without exception) who forgot my 50th birthday. Thanks for making that day extra special.

To myself. Lower your farking standards, dude. You'll remain single for the rest of your life if you don't.

/the above list may contain sarcasm
 
2009-12-24 04:44:46 PM
UtileDysfunktion: A decent nudie bar somewhere in the neighborhood.

That's a noble wish. I'd love for something like that around here. The closest thing is a bikini/lingerie bar. For any actual nudity, there is no alcohol. For boobies AND beer, I need to drive all the way to Sacramento. Oddly enough, that's the state capital. Coincidence? I think not.

I WANT BOOBIES AND BEER!
 
2009-12-24 05:04:01 PM
Sapper_Topo: Your step kids are not your real kids

You are a selfish asshole.
 
2009-12-24 07:58:25 PM
ayanami: To my xBox: In the name of all that is holy, if you Red Ring or E74 one more farking time, I will coat you in lard and throw you into the bear exhibit at the zoo. Also, I've been cheating on you with the Wii.

I may be in love.
 
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