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(Spike) Amusing Some people think Steven Seagal is a douchebag. But here are seven things that make him an AWESOME douchebag   (spike.com) divider line 86
More: Amusing, Steven Seagal, douchebags, Awesome, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Mike Tyson, action movies, Buddhists, Michael Ovitz  
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10416 clicks; posted to Entertainment » on 14 Dec 2009 at 5:26 PM   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»   |    Get this fabulous T-Shirt and impress the methane out of your friends! shirt it!



86 Comments   (+0 »)
   

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jehovahs witness protection [TotalFark]
2009-12-14 04:52:20 PM
I liked it when he was the first one killed in Executive Decision.
 
nvmac [TotalFark]
2009-12-14 04:56:11 PM
That Van Damme pic in the article creeps me out.

*shudder*
 
Somaticasual
2009-12-14 05:02:49 PM
The mid-90s called. It wants it's popularity back.
 
impaler [TotalFark]
2009-12-14 05:10:07 PM
4. Steven Seagal was a 17th century monk in a past life

Really? Seagal claiming he was a 17th century monk makes him awesome?
 
cyrus_hunter
2009-12-14 05:28:56 PM
Steven Seagal: Lawman is not a bad watch if nothing else is on.

/that is all.
 
Weaps [TotalFark]
2009-12-14 05:31:39 PM
What I didn't know is he's a freaking sheriffs deputy (i.e., a REAL COP) for the parish that I now live in. When we had the moving truck parked in front of our house, so someone objected to how much it blocked the street and they called a cop to see what was up. One of them Jefferson Parish deputies showed up to ask me how long that thing would be there. Didn't know motherfarking Steven Seagal could have showed up to ask me about it. How cool would that have been? I move here and they sic motherfakin' Steven Seagal on me! I probably would have dropped a load in my shorts the moment I opened the door.

Then I found out about his A&E show.
 
Orgasmatron138
2009-12-14 05:32:59 PM
Hmmm, let's see, he left his first wife in Japan so he could come to the US to be in movies, and eventually married Kelly LeBrock while still married in Japan.

Then, later, he and Kelly get divorced, and he gets with their babysitter.

Nope, not a douchebag at all.
 
farbekrieg
2009-12-14 05:33:43 PM
Weaps: What I didn't know is he's a freaking sheriffs deputy (i.e., a REAL COP) for the parish that I now live in. When we had the moving truck parked in front of our house, so someone objected to how much it blocked the street and they called a cop to see what was up. One of them Jefferson Parish deputies showed up to ask me how long that thing would be there. Didn't know motherfarking Steven Seagal could have showed up to ask me about it. How cool would that have been? I move here and they sic motherfakin' Steven Seagal on me! I probably would have dropped a load in my shorts the moment I opened the door.

Then I found out about his A&E show.

maybe you could have asked for a refund of the 8 dollars you spent on deadly ground
 
barneyfifesbullet
2009-12-14 05:33:57 PM
He looks old and fat.

But, when he was showing some hand-to-hand stuff on the TV show to a class, he was damn fast. Looked damn fast, anyway.
 
Pengfish
2009-12-14 05:39:42 PM
JCVD would whup his ass easy.
 
Quantum Apostrophe
2009-12-14 05:40:44 PM
Somaticasual: The mid-90s called. It wants it's popularity back.

The possessive pronoun ITS called. It wants to give you back that apostrophe.
 
Somaticasual
2009-12-14 05:41:32 PM
Quantum Apostrophe: Somaticasual: The mid-90s called. It wants it's popularity back.

The possessive pronoun ITS called. It wants to give you back that apostrophe.

Semantics called. It feels it's just not working out..
 
this_is_ace [TotalFark]
2009-12-14 05:42:27 PM
the best part of TFA is that Judo Gene Lebell kicked Segal's farkin' ass.

bet the old man could still do it. that sumbiatch is one bad farker.
 
Nabb1 [TotalFark]
2009-12-14 05:43:33 PM
I had no idea he was so proficient with small arms until I saw him take the heads off a couple of Q-Tips and a match with a semi-automatic on "Law Man" this weekend.
 
netringer [TotalFark]
2009-12-14 05:44:16 PM
Why no mention of the real mobsters that were planning on shaking Segal down?

http://www.trutv.com/library/crime/criminal_mind/scams/steven_seagal/index.htm l (new window)

Dey didn't know how truly fearsome he iz?
 
Killer Cars
2009-12-14 05:46:14 PM
Nabb1: I had no idea he was so proficient with small arms until I saw him take the heads off a couple of Q-Tips and a match with a semi-automatic on "Law Man" this weekend.

I think I saw the MacGyver episode where all he needed was a couple of Q-Tips and a match to defeat the onslaught of both Steven Seagal AND Chuck Norris
 
GungFu
2009-12-14 05:47:52 PM
Chuck Norris's beard vs. Steven Seagal's ponytail.

Who wins?
 
Orgasmatron138
2009-12-14 05:48:30 PM
Killer Cars: Nabb1: I had no idea he was so proficient with small arms until I saw him take the heads off a couple of Q-Tips and a match with a semi-automatic on "Law Man" this weekend.

I think I saw the MacGyver episode where all he needed was a couple of Q-Tips and a match to defeat the onslaught of both Steven Seagal AND Chuck Norris

MacGyver=inferior.

A Team=superior.
 
mhd
2009-12-14 05:51:54 PM
Now, 17th level monk, that would be impressive.
 
Accolade
2009-12-14 05:52:26 PM
I like hearing stories about how he's the biggest dick in show business. I think he's permanently banned from SNL and the quotes in the article didn't really expand on WHY they felt that way, but... keep 'em coming! hehe.

I can simultaneously respect him for his personal discipline and revile him for his personal relationships. I don't have to work with him.
 
TheBigBadCrystallineEntity
2009-12-14 05:54:53 PM
Orgasmatron138: Killer Cars: Nabb1: I had no idea he was so proficient with small arms until I saw him take the heads off a couple of Q-Tips and a match with a semi-automatic on "Law Man" this weekend.

I think I saw the MacGyver episode where all he needed was a couple of Q-Tips and a match to defeat the onslaught of both Steven Seagal AND Chuck Norris

MacGyver=inferior.

A Team=superior.

You shut your whore mouth.
 
Killer Cars
2009-12-14 05:55:07 PM
Orgasmatron138: MacGyver=inferior.

Careful. Armed with only a straw, a toothpick, and a piece of yarn, Richard Dean Anderson could have sex with your entire family.
 
FunkOut [TotalFark]
2009-12-14 05:55:44 PM
impaler: 4. Steven Seagal was a 17th century monk in a past life

Really? Seagal claiming he was a 17th century monk makes him awesome?

I was a Chinese rice farmer in a past life. Of course, so was everyone else on the planet.
 
Big Jimmy Oswald
2009-12-14 05:57:31 PM
How about the fact that he convinced his then-wife to name their child after the nanny has was boinking on the side?
 
Ashtrey
2009-12-14 05:57:40 PM
GungFu: Chuck Norris's beard vs. Steven Seagal's ponytail.

Who wins?

Norris of course.
 
FarkinFarker
2009-12-14 06:06:21 PM
Somaticasual: Quantum Apostrophe: Somaticasual: The mid-90s called. It wants it's popularity back.

The possessive pronoun ITS called. It wants to give you back that apostrophe.

Semantics called. It feels it's just not working out..

Know you too quite fiteing.
 
robomonkster
2009-12-14 06:07:11 PM
Quantum Apostrophe: Somaticasual: The mid-90s called. It wants it's popularity back.

The possessive pronoun ITS called. It want's to give you back that apostrophe.

ftfy
 
FunkOut [TotalFark]
2009-12-14 06:09:18 PM
FarkinFarker: Somaticasual: Quantum Apostrophe: Somaticasual: The mid-90s called. It wants it's popularity back.

The possessive pronoun ITS called. It wants to give you back that apostrophe.

Semantics called. It feels it's just not working out..

Know you too quite fiteing.

Stop being so anti-semantic!
 
EdgeRunner
2009-12-14 06:09:43 PM
GungFu: Chuck Norris's beard vs. Steven Seagal's ponytail.
Who wins?

Tom Cruise's beard vs. Sarah Jessica Parker's ponyface.

Who wins?
 
Rubber Biscuit
2009-12-14 06:09:52 PM
I like him for his mafia ties, but I LOVE him for his obesity.
 
FarkinFarker
2009-12-14 06:10:41 PM
FunkOut: FarkinFarker: Somaticasual: Quantum Apostrophe: Somaticasual: The mid-90s called. It wants it's popularity back.

The possessive pronoun ITS called. It wants to give you back that apostrophe.

Semantics called. It feels it's just not working out..

Know you too quite fiteing.

Stop being so anti-semantic!

Hay sugartit's1 Are you a Jew?/
 
zarberg
2009-12-14 06:11:17 PM
jehovahs witness protection: I liked it when he was the first one killed in Executive Decision.

He's Stephen Seagal. He didn't die. He deftly used an Akido move to knock away the bad shrapnel from the F117 cargo plane they were in and grabbed onto the rudder which he used as a parasail to make it all the way to his home, where he landed safely in a perfect Zen meditation position.
 
limboslam
2009-12-14 06:15:11 PM
content7.flixster.com
www.kaijuhq.org

He has a daughter in Japan. That's all. Just wanted to post these.
 
netringer [TotalFark]
2009-12-14 06:15:27 PM
jehovahs witness protection: I liked it when he was the first one killed in Executive Decision.

I always figured that he agreed with Golan and Globus to work exactly ONE DAY for what they were paying him...and as far as G&G were concerned that's exactly all they needed - to be able to put the Steven Segal name in the credits.
 
savage henry
2009-12-14 06:31:33 PM
netringer: Why no mention of the real mobsters that were planning on shaking Segal down?

http://www.trutv.com/library/crime/criminal_mind/scams/steven_seagal/index.htm l (new window)

Dey didn't know how truly fearsome he iz?

Not reading the link (9 pages?), but Seagal apparently got his first roles thru mob financing. I think it was Spy magazine that did an expose on it.
 
Quantum Apostrophe
2009-12-14 06:36:51 PM
limboslam: He has a daughter in Japan. That's all. Just wanted to post these.

Wow, those eyes! I'd love to find out if her hooha is horizontal!
 
FunkOut [TotalFark]
2009-12-14 06:39:23 PM
FarkinFarker: FunkOut: FarkinFarker: Somaticasual: Quantum Apostrophe: Somaticasual: The mid-90s called. It wants it's popularity back.

The possessive pronoun ITS called. It wants to give you back that apostrophe.

Semantics called. It feels it's just not working out..

Know you too quite fiteing.

Stop being so anti-semantic!

Hay sugartit's1 Are you a Jew?/

Naw, just got sugary tits.
 
jehovahs witness protection [TotalFark]
2009-12-14 06:39:35 PM
netringer: jehovahs witness protection: I liked it when he was the first one killed in Executive Decision.

I always figured that he agreed with Golan and Globus to work exactly ONE DAY for what they were paying him...and as far as G&G were concerned that's exactly all they needed - to be able to put the Steven Segal name in the credits.

You're probably right.
 
Caelistis [TotalFark]
2009-12-14 06:39:59 PM
Quantum Apostrophe: Wow, those eyes! I'd love to find out if her hooha is horizontal!

In the first one, she looks bug-eyed.

In the second one, she looks squinty eyed and retarded.
 
ShameSpearOfHurt
2009-12-14 06:47:31 PM
Nope, here are the seven things that make him awesome.
 
thesloppy
2009-12-14 06:48:52 PM
HAS ANYBODY SEEN RICHIE? DOES ANYBODY KNOW WHY RICHIE DID BOBBY LUPO?
 
Obnox
2009-12-14 06:54:11 PM
Supposedly, he and Jon Peters once got into a fight on a movie set. Which makes you wish a 16-ton weight had dropped from the ceiling and killed both of them.
 
PluckYew
2009-12-14 06:54:42 PM
EdgeRunner: GungFu: Chuck Norris's beard vs. Steven Seagal's ponytail.
Who wins?

Tom Cruise's beard vs. Sarah Jessica Parker's ponyface.

Who wins?
We all Lose.

The Norris beard/Segal ponytail is moo anyway. All bow down to the greatness of Sam Elliot's mustache.
www.automatedculture.com
/hot
 
blowfish2000
2009-12-14 06:55:49 PM
David Rakoff did an excellent story about a Seagall weekend at Omega Institute, in one of his books (Fraud or Don't Get Too Comfortable).

Sigh.
David, let's have lunch?
 
FunkOut [TotalFark]
2009-12-14 06:56:25 PM
PluckYew: EdgeRunner: GungFu: Chuck Norris's beard vs. Steven Seagal's ponytail.
Who wins?

Tom Cruise's beard vs. Sarah Jessica Parker's ponyface.

Who wins?
We all Lose.

The Norris beard/Segal ponytail is moo anyway. All bow down to the greatness of Sam Elliot's mustache.

/hot

In the hair world, that mustache is God.
 
Shenanigans!
2009-12-14 07:17:42 PM
PluckYew: The Norris beard/Segal ponytail is moo anyway.

A moo point? Like a cow's opinion - doesn't matter?
 
Quantum Apostrophe
2009-12-14 07:22:32 PM
Somaticasual: Quantum Apostrophe: Somaticasual: The mid-90s called. It wants it's popularity back.

The possessive pronoun ITS called. It wants to give you back that apostrophe.

Semantics called. It feels it's just not working out..

graphjam.files.wordpress.com

/stupid spelling mistake in graphic not mine
 
mooseyfate
2009-12-14 07:28:16 PM
FunkOut: PluckYew: EdgeRunner: GungFu: Chuck Norris's beard vs. Steven Seagal's ponytail.
Who wins?

Tom Cruise's beard vs. Sarah Jessica Parker's ponyface.

Who wins?
We all Lose.

The Norris beard/Segal ponytail is moo anyway. All bow down to the greatness of Sam Elliot's mustache.

/hot

In the hair world, that mustache is God.

I'm willing to bet that if God were real, he would have a big, beautiful Sam Elliot mustache.
 
Igor Jakovsky
2009-12-14 07:35:40 PM
savage henry [TotalFark] Quote 2009-12-14 06:31:33 PM
netringer: Why no mention of the real mobsters that were planning on shaking Segal down?

http://www.trutv.com/library/crime/criminal_mind/scams/steven_seagal/index.htm l (new window)

Dey didn't know how truly fearsome he iz?

Not reading the link (9 pages?), but Seagal apparently got his first roles thru mob financing. I think it was Spy magazine that did an expose on it.

Came here to post this link, You really only have to read the first page to get a chuckle.

Here is a clicky synopsis of that 9 page thing.

Link
 
jrshull
2009-12-14 07:41:02 PM
jehovahs witness protection: I liked it when he was the first one killed in Executive Decision.

Still his best role/movie.
 
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