"Son, fat chicks give the best blow jobs. They just try harder. And you may think it's over at 1:45 AM as everyone exits the club for their cars. It's not. The fat chicks and good blow jobs are at Denny's...and they never close."

Delivered to the young Spankowitz at age 7.

Deadhouseplants

Mothers and daughters talking about sex is hot. Dads and sons talking about sex is creepy.

My parents never gave me the talk about "it". I figured it all out from a buddy of mine finding a copy of "The Joy of Sex" and renting it out to a bunch of us. Two dollars got you 30 minutes with the book and all the knowledge you could gain. It was totally cool though because I was a fast reader. I made it through Johnny Tremain in 4th grade in like an hour and a half. Anyhow, after I learned all a man needs to know from that book I went out on a date to go see the Exorcist III with Shawn Perkin's sister and it scared the shiat out of her. I figured that out when we got in my Geo Metro and headed out to an Amish party in the riverbottoms and she got drunk as hell and I figured I'd try out my awesome new knowledge of positions like that weird palm tree one. Anyhow, she was too drunk to get her panties off and I started to get them off for her but I swear to God there was a skidmark in there a full inch wide. Seriously. I about puked when I thought about it later. That's a total lack of courtesy. I don't care how scary the scene is...exercise some effin' b-hole control. It's just rude when you're being quasi-date-raped later and I can't keep 'em in the glove compartment for later because I don't want your dookie to get on my insurance paperwork.

benlonghair: /now back to your regularly scheduled joke thread.

BOIIIIIIINNNNNNNNGGGGGG!!!!!!

The Talk as given by my parents:

Mom- Children ruin your life and you should never get married.

Dad- You get pregnant I'll kick your ass out.

"Don't stick your dick in the crazy."

Delivered to Dallymo Jr., age 16, about two weeks ago.

The Talk from their parents? What the hell? That's not how it happened when I was a kid. Parents didn't talk to you about sex. Gym teachers talked to you about sex. There would be one day in elementary school where Mr. Bayliss, the Bavarian gym teacher, would gather up all the fourth-grade boys and take them to the cafeteria, and Ms. Llewellyn, the curiously broad-shouldered math teacher, would gather up all the girls and take them to the music room. And then you'd learn that sex was a serious thing and that you shouldn't have sex until you're married and if you do have it before you're married you should use something called a condom, which was a metallic looking square thing that fit into Mr. Bayliss' pocket. And then he'd explain about sperms and eggs and how when the sperm met the egg it made a baby. And he'd show you a chart of a boy's reproductive system that would get everybody giggling and he'd tell everybody to shut it and be serious, this was serious stuff. And then he'd show you a chart of a girl's reproductive system that was just weird and made you sort of think of your dad's Dodge. And then he'd pass around little slips of paper and tell you that you could write any questions you had on it and he'd collect them and answer them after the video. And then he'd show the video, which was 10 minutes long and showed a woman giving birth and was the most horrifying thing you'd ever seen in your life. And after the video, when you felt sick and scared and just wanted to get out of there, he'd go through the little bowl where he'd collected all your questions and pull them out one by one and read them to himself and shake his head each time and blow a little annoyed puff of air out of his mouth and toss the question in the trash. And then you'd be sent back to class in time for silent reading, and you'd sit in a nervous, huddled group with your friends in the corner and realize that you'd all asked the same question, which he hadn't answered, and that question was how sperms met eggs in the first place? How did that happen? Good lord, what would happen if you accidentally put one of your sperms on a girl's egg without even knowing you were doing it? Would she have to do what that woman was doing in that video? And would you have to watch? The world was scarier then. Scarier, but safer.

Pocket Ninja: The Talk from their parents? What the hell? That's not how it happened when I was a kid. Parents didn't talk to you about sex. Gym teachers talked to you about sex. There would be one day in elementary school where Mr. Bayliss, the Bavarian gym teacher, would gather up all the fourth-grade boys and take them to the cafeteria....

Did they have to show child-birth in the cafeteria? How the hell did you eat your goulash in there after that?

Jeebus Pocket Ninja how am I s'posed to follow that with a story about a couple of Thai Hookers and a bottle of Old Grandad given to me by my Dad on my 14th Birthday?

I remember my mom giving me the talk and then having me look at some book that showed not only how people did it, but how animals did as well.

/WTF mom?!

"Son, when you're banging your girlfriend, I want you to remember that that's how your mother and I made you."

My mom is a social worker who for most of my life was working teen pregnancy prevention, my dad is a rabbi

the talk was along these lines
Mom:If you ever get a girl pregnant I'll finish what the mohel started

Tui: Ugh, had dinner with my parents for the first time in awhile tonight. They made a point of mentioning that I should practice safe sex.

And they wonder why I don't see them as often.

What's so bad about that?

It's not like Dad bent Mom over the dining room table, hiked her skirt up over her head, pulled out his pesky, popped a rubber on it, and proceeded to give her the deepest dicking he could.

...did he?

If so, do you have any pictures?

Juniper Jupiter: Thakh: Juniper Jupiter: I never got The Talk from my parents. And when I got to Health class, I was "convieniently" pulled out of high school and sent to a hospital for a month.

/Long story.

Difficult pregnancy?

No...actually, I have no clue how my mom knew it was "sex ed" month in my class, but she somehow managed to get my ass in a psych ward.

/Biatch herself was crazy...even though she had cancer.

That's nuts!

I think I heard more about birth control and protection from people who were campaigning for schools to teach abstinence-only and then proceeding to describe, in detail, everything that they were worried that schools were going to teach.

It's like, yeah, if you're worried about what kids are going to hear, you probably shouldn't be describing it all with young kids in the room.

lstywnch:

I don't really know how to approach it with my kids. I just tell my 14 year old son that if he never ever listens to any of my advice for his entire life I want him to take me seriously when I say, "If you're going to do it, wrap it. Don't believe her if she says she's on the pill, and use your own condoms because you have no idea how long she's had those sitting in her wallet."

Don't forget to mention that if the condoms are hers, she might be a crazy biatch who pokes holes in 'em because she wants to get knocked up for some crazy reason, so don't trust any condom but his own.

...and if those fark up, you can sue the manufacturer.