CAUTION: Do not use this product if you have a trunk monkey in your car.

I love this stuff!

©

There's a big difference between GoldBond and Anti-MonkeyButt. One of them contains menthol, which would be akin to putting IcyHOT on your balls. The other contains calamine powder, which soothes the beast. GoldBond on MY balls? It's less likely than you think.

/satisfied AMBP user for almost a year now

I just use lipstick. Plus it lets me know if the pucker has touched anything.

/I wonder if I can sit on the kitchen counter without a mark.
//What were the test results?
///Obscure?

MadAzza: Eddie_Dean_NY: Monkey Butt. Ape Ass. Swamp Crotch. Angry Taint. Walkin' like John Wayne. Heat Rash. Cactus thighs. Don't you make my Brown Eye Red.

Any other good ones?

I just call it "stank butt," so I guess I'm not that imaginative. I'm a lady, so I should probably come up with a more polite term that reflects my dainty, delicate nature.

/yanks undies out of butt-crack

How YOU doin'?

Why would any one have a monkey in their butt?

Oh_Enough_Already: You sound anal.

Although you do make one valid point - follow the proper order:

/shiat
//shower
///shave

Nah, not anal at all.

Wake, coffee, poop, shower, good for the rest of the day.

Been doing it this way for YEARS.

How and or why everybody doesn't operate this way is a mystery.

Just randomly pooping at unknown times in unknown places of dubious cleanlieness with no privacy whatsoever?

Yeah, that's a good plan.

Truly though, if you shower first and poop later you're pretty much negating the shower.

Nobody's disagreeing with you about the she shiat-shower-shave order (and if they are, they're wrong) because you're spot-on about that.

But shoving in a showerhead to give yourself a mini-colonic? Issues, you has them and help, you needs it.

HellblazerPrime: Oh_Enough_Already: You sound anal.

Although you do make one valid point - follow the proper order:

/shiat
//shower
///shave

Nah, not anal at all.

Wake, coffee, poop, shower, good for the rest of the day.

Been doing it this way for YEARS.

How and or why everybody doesn't operate this way is a mystery.

Just randomly pooping at unknown times in unknown places of dubious cleanlieness with no privacy whatsoever?

Yeah, that's a good plan.

Truly though, if you shower first and poop later you're pretty much negating the shower.

Nobody's disagreeing with you about the she shiat-shower-shave order (and if they are, they're wrong) because you're spot-on about that.

But shoving in a showerhead to give yourself a mini-colonic? Issues, you has them and help, you needs it.

Nothing gets "inserted" the pressure alone is enough to clean you out.

Or, you could go pay for a colonic that does the same thing at $100+ a pop . . .

Hoarf: Ok, bad story time: while I was in school I was a cook in a pizza restaurant. The AC in that place sucked, and in the summer it would get hotter than blazes in the kitchen. One of the other cooks (not the smartest guy around) was complaining about how hot it was and about hw badly he was chafing. The dishwasher told him to go grab some corn starch and put it in his underwear to help out. About a half hour later his guy just won't stop scratching his nuts and is biatching about how dumb the dishwasher is. As it turns out, the guy found a box of corn meal and couldn't tell the difference.

Until he poured it down his junk, that is.

for you Austin farkers, they have a store(warehouse?) in Kyle south of Austin.

Heh, after giving a friend a bottle of AMBP as a gag, I received a tube of Beaudreaux's butt paste in return. I'm waiting on a new butt product for reciprocation.

Hoarf: castufari: I used a mix of baby powder and cornstarch.

Ok, bad story time: while I was in school I was a cook in a pizza restaurant. The AC in that place sucked, and in the summer it would get hotter than blazes in the kitchen. One of the other cooks (not the smartest guy around) was complaining about how hot it was and about hw badly he was chafing. The dishwasher told him to go grab some corn starch and put it in his underwear to help out. About a half hour later his guy just won't stop scratching his nuts and is biatching about how dumb the dishwasher is. As it turns out, the guy found a box of corn meal and couldn't tell the difference.
I know, cool story, bro.

If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need the talcum powder...

I have that stuff. It sucks.

I got it along with a box of "White Trash Laundry Soap. removes ring around the trailer!"

I got some of that stuff as a joke gift once... it works really well as foot powder. A little bit in the shoes a couple times a week keeps the sweaty socks and their related smell at bay.

SapperInTexas: I'm a big fan of the Extra Strength Gold Bond powder (green package). Careful about getting it on your coconuts, though, it'll tingle something fierce.

I like the green package too. Although I wouldn't consider the tingle to be a drawback.

Eckyhade: I agree with the order shiat first but if you shave in the shower you can eliminate the time it takes to clean the sink.

If you're pressed for time, go ahead and shiat in the shower too.

Oh_Enough_Already: Why people do't regulate their bowels such that all pooping is done first thing in the morning, before your shower is beyond me.

(Never mind the fact the pooping anywhere but your own home is horribly rude to others and an embarrassing, distasteful and hygienically risky proposition for yourself.)

Uptight asshole.

Control_this: Eckyhade: I agree with the order shiat first but if you shave in the shower you can eliminate the time it takes to clean the sink.

If you're pressed for time, go ahead and shiat in the shower too.

Don't forget to heel it down the drain..

What if your monkey has four asses?

is it made from real monkey's butt?

you people have no business knowing what I apply to my nether regions....

Oh_Enough_Already:
Nothing gets "inserted" the pressure alone is enough to clean you out.

Or, you could go pay for a colonic that does the same thing at $100+ a pop . . .

What about those of us who poop at least twice a day?

/Genuinely asking for a suggestion, because I like your frankness AND the cut of your jib.

animal900: Oh_Enough_Already:
Nothing gets "inserted" the pressure alone is enough to clean you out.

Or, you could go pay for a colonic that does the same thing at $100+ a pop . . .

What about those of us who poop at least twice a day?

/Genuinely asking for a suggestion, because I like your frankness AND the cut of your jib.

If that's the case then I think you're in the minority.

A lotta folks are walking around with ancient poop still in them.

If you're that regular than I'd say it wasn't needed but it certainly couldn't hurt.

A lotta folks would be AMAZED by the amount of poop that's STILL inside them even after they've taken a dump.

I have had swamp ass more times than I care to think about. Extra strength Gold Bond, pre applied in the morning is usually sufficient. On the line in a busy kitchen it's a matter of no if but when.

Cool story Bro time:

years ago an expeditor threw black pepper into the fan on my station. I missed him with a hot sauté
pan I winged at him. But this particular guy had a habit of powdering his balls in the employee bathroom with some corn starch pre-shift. The next day I cut wasabi powder into the starch. The next time he powderd, his balls burnt worse than a coke fueled night with Lindsay Lohan. Paybacks, they be a biatch!

By the by, Boudreauxs is great stuff.

Hoarf: I've used this stuff before (you need something like this when you try an Iron Butt ride) but Gold Bond powder is cheaper and works just as well.

True but the dubious honor of having a cannister called "Anti-Monkey Butt Powder" is second to none.

Oh_Enough_Already: Why people do't regulate their bowels such that all pooping is done first thing in the morning, before your shower is beyond me.

(Never mind the fact the pooping anywhere but your own home is horribly rude to others and an embarrassing, distasteful and hygienically risky proposition for yourself.)

Well pardon me if I'd rather not subject the folks at work to my grunts and strains and smelly farts whilst I poop-sock it for later excretion at home.

as for dry toilet paper. Ever hear of these? (new window)

They're for adults, so no feeling embarrassed about carrying them.

Big deal, pick it up at your local motorcycle shop

/dnrtfa

Oh_Enough_Already:
If that's the case then I think you're in the minority.

A lotta folks are walking around with ancient poop still in them.

If you're that regular than I'd say it wasn't needed but it certainly couldn't hurt.

A lotta folks would be AMAZED by the amount of poop that's STILL inside them even after they've taken a dump.

I quoted your enema thing, but I was really more curious about the pooping only before you shower routine. I have a morning and late afternoon (at work, in a different floor bathroom) session every day.

What do I do?!

If my body wanted that poop gone it would expel it. The only time I want to completely void myself is upon my deathbed.

IIRC, MB brand has real talcum in it - which is not good for a ladies bits.

BTW, when I've been on the motorbike in riding gear all day, I refer to it as 'Swamp-Ass'.

Gold Bond is my choice, it's just finding small containers sometimes is a challenge.

Wow, a green light for the stuff that's been selling down at Tractor Supply for something like a year now. Even better, it's newsworthy.

/slow day?

It's been around longer than that... I've been using for at least three years. Makes a good foot powder for the summer.

waitress ass

Christophuge: waitress ass

This too. Anyone who has worked more than two hours as a cook, dishwasher, server, bartender, or expo knows. Broke me of wearing boxers except on holidays.

For the record, I prefer the baby powder cornstarch with aloe.

If it's so good how come that monkey's ass is so farked up?

It might just be easier to get a car. Ya know bicycle riders don't need this stuff, they shower more often than your average motorcyclista tho..

I found this stuff at a cool place called Little America in Wyoming...It is the best stuff ever. My husband is in the infantry, and uses it constantly. You can get it at Walmart, too, but i don't like to think about chafing body parts while I'm at Walmart....It grosses me out.

MandM: Bought this for Mr. MandM and all the other guys on our gift giving list last year for Christmas. They loved it. Also, got them some chicken poop lip balm. I got the monkey butt powder from Duluth Trading Co. They have some pretty cool stuff like crack spackle. It's a regular shirt with an extra long "tail" to hide the plumber's butt. It comess in a spackle container.

On cold days, I wipe the inside of my helmet visor with Cat Crap.