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(The New York Times)   "Slapping stuffing on the outside of the bird was an inspired way to hide the fact that it had been partly eaten by a raccoon."   (nytimes.com) divider line 112
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13198 clicks; posted to Main » on 19 Nov 2009 at 12:57 PM (5 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2009-11-19 10:10:42 AM  
Subby, please submit the whole recipe so I know whether I can substitute oppossum for raccoon.
 
2009-11-19 11:36:03 AM  
 
2009-11-19 11:36:12 AM  
FTA:

"He yanked the electric carving knife from my father, not knowing the turkey was trussed with wires," Ms. Pritchard said. "As the knife came down full speed onto the wires, my father swears actual sparks were ignited. The force of the impact sent the turkey literally flying down the table, where it landed in Great Grandpa Eddy's lap."

"Well into his 80s by then and a man of few words," she continued, "Great Grandpa looked quietly down at the steaming turkey in his lap and said, 'Oh, just a little white meat for me.' "


I love it. Thanks subby

(also, a teaser for p2 - Name Calling Is Never Appropriate, Even With Lawyers)
 
2009-11-19 01:02:37 PM  
img695.imageshack.us
 
2009-11-19 01:10:39 PM  
img1.fark.netSome people are assholes. You're probably either one, or related to one

simpsonfan:
Tell hospital security that nobody else except who mother wants allowed is allowed in the delivery room. If MIL doesn't like it, she can find another grandchild somewhere else.

She wanted to be in the waiting room, a public area. There's got to be more to the story than this, it makes no sense why she wouldn't want any family or loved ones in the hospital to see the baby after it's been moved to the view area. She's probably a biatch and a control freak, which is why her husband married her. His mother is also a biatch and a control freak, so no doubt he fell for her right off the bat.
 
2009-11-19 01:15:59 PM  
This is a sitcom plot from a sitcom I can't remember.
 
2009-11-19 01:16:04 PM  
rogerklotz: totally unrelated, you guys should check out the album:
Swoon by Silversun Pickups (new window)


Already have, but I don't think this is the time or place.

And yes, my family had the "children's table", all of us children were between the ages of 17-22.
 
2009-11-19 01:20:35 PM  
APPROVES
http://tinyurl.com/yh4sv5m
(copy and paste)
 
2009-11-19 01:21:28 PM  
Please let this turn into an epic "one time at thanksgiving" story thread!!

I don't have any really good ones, they are all the same. Evening would end with us kids in the car and Mom basically pulling Dad out of Grandma's house, he would want to stay and drink all night.

Although, when Uncle John hid a bunch of homemade horseradish in my Mom's mashed potatoes. She managed to get most of it in one bite. Having her spit across the table into my Aunt's face was pretty awkward.
 
2009-11-19 01:24:06 PM  
Ashtrey: rogerklotz: totally unrelated, you guys should check out the album:
Swoon by Silversun Pickups (new window)

Already have, but I don't think this is the time or place.

And yes, my family had the "children's table", all of us children were between the ages of 17-22.


its clearly not the time, nor the place. which is why I started my post with "totally unrelated"....
basically that forgives me....
 
2009-11-19 01:25:16 PM  
at the last thanksgiving at my folks house, four of us sat at the kids table. Dad, his two brothers, and me. I'm in my 40's.
 
2009-11-19 01:25:36 PM  
In before epic Thanksgiving-storytime

/pleasepleaseplease
//I have none to contribute, except for the annual tradition of my Republican wingnut one-armed uncle and my Democrat stepfather getting into it every year.
///still waiting for Pops to tear off Uncle's other arm and beat him with it.
 
2009-11-19 01:28:19 PM  
dorkymidgetqueen: In before epic Thanksgiving-storytime

/pleasepleaseplease
//I have none to contribute, except for the annual tradition of my Republican wingnut one-armed uncle and my Democrat stepfather getting into it every year.
///still waiting for Pops to tear off Uncle's other arm and beat him with it.


He already did once?.
 
2009-11-19 01:35:44 PM  
Once one of my cousins stabbed her sister in the arm with a fork for lighting a ciggarette at the table at thanksgiving.
I never ate with them but that is a true story.

I was eating at a friend's for T-Day and his sister baked a pie, and I had a slice, and took a bite (Apple pie) and spit it right out.
She had put sour cream in the apple pie.
What a freak.
 
2009-11-19 01:37:11 PM  
Harry, I took care of it!

www.premiere.com
/hot as a Thanksgiving turkey
 
2009-11-19 01:37:46 PM  
My sister wanted to come visit my wife and son immediately after the birth. The hospital wouldn't reveal the room number or allow visitors unless they were immediate family.

I should really go back and tip the receptionist at the hospital.
 
2009-11-19 01:40:37 PM  
How about the Christmas my recently divorced uncle (he was 30ish) got loaded and threw my slight grandfather through a glass table. My father, who had just gone through surgery and was weaker than normal, got up to defend his father against his brother's attack and was knocked off balance and fell. My 14 year-old sister and I (16) looked at one another and proceeded to beat the hell out of my uncle. I was sitting on his chest, punching him in the face and sis was kicking him in the head. We pummeled him for a few minutes and then pushed him out into the cold. Sis shoved his face into the snowbank..his faceprint was still there the next morning.

We no longer speak to him (not because of this event) and I'm sure he reads Fark. He'll recognize his stupid self.
 
2009-11-19 01:41:30 PM  
What a delightful article! Nothing makes me appreciate my own crappy family more than hearing about others' dysfunctional families.
 
2009-11-19 01:43:45 PM  
Surprisingly i haven't managed to fark up a family holiday, but my time will come I'm sure of it.
 
2009-11-19 01:44:30 PM  
DNRTFA but did the article describe what rabies tastes like? I guess John Candy wasn't available for comment. What about Dan Akroyd?
 
2009-11-19 01:45:55 PM  
My cousin has allready made some racial remarks about my half very-successful-african-american fiancee. He's one N-word away from seeing if it is physically possible to perform a jump kick across a dinner table from a sitting position.
 
2009-11-19 01:49:40 PM  
Well, there was the time my biatchy, money-grubbing aunt went into labor. And my uncle (bless his heart, he died a month ago tomorrow) was already too wasted to drive her to the hospital. So were all the rest of the men, pretty much. So auntie dearest had to have my grandmother (whom she loathed, since Gramma saw through her crap) take her to the hospital, and had to go it alone since the OB wouldn't let my drunk uncle into the delivery room.
 
2009-11-19 01:50:32 PM  
The Power Nap: My cousin has allready made some racial remarks about my half very-successful-african-american fiancee. He's one N-word away from seeing if it is physically possible to perform a jump kick across a dinner table from a sitting position.

Tell him Afro Samurai could do it.
 
2009-11-19 01:50:52 PM  
Berz: Surprisingly i haven't managed to fark up a family holiday, but my time will come I'm sure of it.

Only annual holiday event I have to worry about is my mother-in-law insisting that last year's christmas wine is still good; no matter how many times I tell her an uncorked bottle of wine oxidizes and turns into vinegar. This is the same woman who still has a partial bottle of vodak and tequilla left over from her wedding that happened almost 20yrs ago. I always bring my own hooch.

I guess the constant competition between me and my brothers gets a little annoying to everyone else, but it's gotta be fun to see 3 30 somethings fighting (in good fun) in the front yard. Alcohol is usually involved.
 
2009-11-19 01:51:18 PM  
Anybody got the link to the forum where the guy comes home to a Thanksgiving dinner to find out his new sister-in-law is the amateur porn star Kacey? Always a good read.
 
2009-11-19 01:55:05 PM  
DirkGozinya: his new sister-in-law is the amateur porn star Kacey?

Oh my god that is awesome. That dirty little biatch is a bigger fan of the BBC than most public TV watchers.
 
2009-11-19 01:55:29 PM  
The Power Nap: My cousin has allready made some racial remarks about my half very-successful-african-american fiancee. He's one N-word away from seeing if it is physically possible to perform a jump kick across a dinner table from a sitting position.

You are already celebrating Thanksgiving? Wow. Your family goes a bit overboard with this.
 
2009-11-19 01:57:35 PM  
gorgor: APPROVES
http://tinyurl.com/yh4sv5m
(copy and paste)


For once, and only once, I approve of this gorgor picture.
 
2009-11-19 01:59:55 PM  
Farkwaddle: Berz: Surprisingly i haven't managed to fark up a family holiday, but my time will come I'm sure of it.

Only annual holiday event I have to worry about is my mother-in-law insisting that last year's christmas wine is still good; no matter how many times I tell her an uncorked bottle of wine oxidizes and turns into vinegar. This is the same woman who still has a partial bottle of vodak and tequilla left over from her wedding that happened almost 20yrs ago. I always bring my own hooch.

I guess the constant competition between me and my brothers gets a little annoying to everyone else, but it's gotta be fun to see 3 30 somethings fighting (in good fun) in the front yard. Alcohol is usually involved.


I bet she has a "protective layer of ice" on her ice-cream too.
And says 30-year-old stuff is "brand new".

The problem is that my folks generation had their formative years in the UK during WW2 rationing, and have a tough time NOT being a total cheapass over stupid stuff.
 
2009-11-19 02:03:17 PM  
One of my aunts refuses to host Thanksgiving thanks to some naughtiness in years past. We would sit at multiple tables mixed up by age and immediate family, i.e no kids table and you can't sit next to your parents and sibs. One of the tables would be on a fist floor landing above the other tables. Frequently, the people on the upper table would throw food at the people on the lower table. It was fun. Two of my uncles were frequently involved. Now my aunt won't host Thanksgiving or Christmas.

/I know tl;dr and cool story bro.
 
2009-11-19 02:04:10 PM  
I am so excited for this year. I already told my mom to break out the boxed wine and inappropriate subject matter for dinner at my house.

My gay brother is coming home for the holiday for the first time in years, and my extrememly Southern homophobic granddaddy will be there to register shock and disgust for the elenty-billionth time. My in laws will be there to tell my mother she's spolied for enjoying central heat and wearing clothes less than 20 years old and anyone who is willing to pay $100k for a house is an idiot...all loudly enough to make sure I'M hearing it too. She will criticize how much dust is on my ceiling fans (that I purposely leave alone for 2 months prior to T-day so she can revel in the joy of telling me about it).
My mother will end up telling my partner his parents are uncouth and asking me if she should storm out or not. My father in law will break the sound barrier by farting repeatedly in front if my VERY manners-minded parents. My stepfather will end up huffily asking why we bother at the end of the meal while I will pretend I have no idea anything is going wrong, all while drinking for dear life.

Good times.
 
2009-11-19 02:05:28 PM  
Wow, my family is spectacularly well behaved around the holidays. The biggest problem I have is the 6 hour drive between my parents home and her parents.

/wonders if it's the lack of alcohol flowing that keeps things smooth.
 
2009-11-19 02:06:55 PM  
My wife didn't want anyone in the delivery room but me. And she didn't want anyone in the hospital to visit her or anything. Her mother still tried to come and they wouldn't show her the baby or even let her in to the maternity wing. If you think my wife was a pain about it, then she only got half of what her mother has. Never have a met a woman that needed to be destroyed so completely in my life.
 
2009-11-19 02:13:02 PM  
Day_Old_Dutchie: Farkwaddle: Berz: Surprisingly i haven't managed to fark up a family holiday, but my time will come I'm sure of it.

Only annual holiday event I have to worry about is my mother-in-law insisting that last year's christmas wine is still good; no matter how many times I tell her an uncorked bottle of wine oxidizes and turns into vinegar. This is the same woman who still has a partial bottle of vodak and tequilla left over from her wedding that happened almost 20yrs ago. I always bring my own hooch.

I guess the constant competition between me and my brothers gets a little annoying to everyone else, but it's gotta be fun to see 3 30 somethings fighting (in good fun) in the front yard. Alcohol is usually involved.

I bet she has a "protective layer of ice" on her ice-cream too.
And says 30-year-old stuff is "brand new".

The problem is that my folks generation had their formative years in the UK during WW2 rationing, and have a tough time NOT being a total cheapass over stupid stuff.


My wife's granmother still keeps the aluminum foil she or anyone else uses. It's funny and sad at the same time to watch this 90+ year old woman wash, fold, and stash a little square piece of foil.

Her grandfather looks EXACTLY like Yogi Berra and loves to cuss at grandma when he knows her hearing aid is off or turned down. Friggin hilarious! The man has it down to a science. I have a lot to learn.
 
2009-11-19 02:13:53 PM  
Oh if you are a vegetarian, and you expect everyone else to change what they are eating or make you a special dinner. Go screw yourself because you are going hungry.
 
2009-11-19 02:14:49 PM  
The Power Nap: My cousin has allready made some racial remarks about my half very-successful-african-american fiancee. He's one N-word away from seeing if it is physically possible to perform a jump kick across a dinner table from a sitting position.

Why is she only half successful? Is it because she's black?
 
2009-11-19 02:16:45 PM  
Ahh... family.

My cousin and I were born just 8 months apart, and our parents were young and busy, so we spent more time together than apart. We spent summers together living with my grandparents, and we terrorized their quaint suburban neighborhood like only two young boys can.

Every year for Thanksgiving, we would all spend the day at our grandparent's house, playing in the yard, throwing the nerf football down the deserted suburban street, and seeking out whatever we could find. This year was different, because it had been raining all day, and we were REALLY bored.

My cousin's father was a police officer, and was on duty at the time, so we spent a bit trying to hear him over my grandfather's scanner, but it was Thanksgiving, and the entire bank of lights would flash over and over without a peep. This is not a tenable situation for two boys in 2nd grade.

At some point in the later afternoon, we found that thing which would provide us with all the fun we could handle. We found a seemingly unending supply of .22 short rounds. For those who don't know, these are small bullets designed for using at the shooting range. They're not all that useful in actually SHOOTING something, but they're bullets, and they act like bullets.

I'm not someone who has fired all that many guns in my life even now, and up to this point, I can honestly say we were never allowed into this area of the basement, much less seen a real bullet, so the conversation never came up. Bugs Bunny, however, had shown us how to test for duds, so that's what we started to do.

First, we threw them at the ground outside of the back porch. When the police report was to be written later, they said they found 50+ bullets thrown on the pavement. I think they missed most of them. The good/bad news is that you have to hit the end of the bullet with SOME accuracy and consistency or it doesn't hit the primer (again, this is from memory, so don't crucify me yet) and won't fire. None of them went off. We were dejected.

We went and played pool for a bit more, and then we remembered the vice! We would CRUSH the bullet and get it to explode! The same police report found just a few dozen crushed bullets, and the fact that we were so young and weak probably helped here, since we weren't able to generate enough real force and therefore heat to trigger the gunpowder through changing the shape of the metal. So far, we're lucky twice. I'm sure you know this can't hold out.

We go upstairs and watch the football game, while the food cooks. The scanner is starting to crackle a bit, but still the world seems lifeless and we just can't make our magic box of fireworks come to life. Then my cousin get's an idea.

"Lets put the bullet into the vice and hit the bullet with a hammer."

So we do. Bugs Bunny style (hitting the tip) and nothing happens.

We walk upstairs, again dejected.

We've been upstairs and downstairs so much that my grandmother asks if we're enjoying playing pool. "Yes, but its boring. When do we eat?"

"Soon."

So we head back downstairs and Jason thinks that maybe we should try hitting the other side. At this point, I'm still a 6 year old, so I've now lost all focus, and am trying to dig out from under a storage cabinet some "keep on trunkin" magnet while he takes the swing.

*clink*

So he loads up one last one to try...

swing....

***BANG****

I spin around. I wasn't even looking, and I'm terrified. Instantly, my cousin is running up the stairs, and I'm running behind him giggling. I'm annoyed that I missed the actual fireworks, but how neat was that? We're going to get in SO much trouble....

as he gets to the top of the basement stairs, he turns to the gathering in the kitchen and says, without a pause

"turing_machine shot me!!!!"

and I freeze.

Damn he's a fast thinker.

Turns out a small piece of shrapnel had ripped through his lip, and we'd all be going to the hospital. There was lots of crying and screaming, but the truth came out, and BOY did the scanner come to life when they called in that one of the officer's son had been involved in a shooting and had been injured.

The next year it was sunny outside. We didn't go into the basement. I'm pretty sure it was empty anyway.
 
2009-11-19 02:18:04 PM  
farm3.static.flickr.com
It will be fresh duck and goose at the East house this year.
 
2009-11-19 02:18:29 PM  
One time at thanksgiving....

We're late to shiat like this, all the time. I couldn't find my belt but could find a lengthy CAT5 cable that did the trick. We get to the house and mom's in her nighty, dad's running around in his whitey tighties, and the kids are in the shower and or running about nekked. It's 45 mins to "dinner" and I'm thinking "great, this is going nowhere fast."

Momsies (my sister in law, mind you) asks me to look at her Mac while they "get ready," and I'm thinking ok at least it's something to do. Turns out she needed Classic copied back onto the mac to run some stupid thing for work, and we had an iBook with us to DL pics from the camera bc the new SD card didn't arrive in time.

I used the ethernet belt I was wearing to copy the 300MB Classic folder.

And then...

"Hey honey, dinner's ready."
What?
"Dude for real come down we're starving" shouts my brother-in-law who not even 50 minutes ago was looking more like Markey Mark then the chef...

Finally my love, this is his family, comes upstairs to check on me. I stand up from the chair, my ethernet belt attached to his laptop and their desktop.

All he can do is laugh, the insensitive pig.

He then calls up his sister. She laughs too.

She calls up the whole family ... and they're clothed... and the rest of the family (some like 18 people) had arrived.

They all held hands in a circle around me and said grace, the copy job finished before the last yokel walked into the bedroom.

After they say grace they trampled each other down the stairs to fill up on tryptophan and sweet potato pie, leaving me tethered to the teachnology.

That was the first thanksgiving with the new family. I'll never forget it.

There, you got your thanksgiving day story.
 
2009-11-19 02:21:21 PM  
Thank you hankscorpio83. I came for the pretty bird. Leaving satisfied.
 
2009-11-19 02:23:18 PM  
There was a paper in the lunchroom today. I read this article in print before I saw it on Fark...

...woah.
 
2009-11-19 02:24:19 PM  
re:vegetarians

If you have special dietary restrictions, it is your responsibility to come prepared. Bring your epi-pen if you have allergies, keep the lactose-intolerant people away from the rice-pudding and ice-cream, and vegetarians might want to bring a little something for themselves, just in case.

Intentionally hiding bacon grease in the salad isn't proving anything.. unless you want to prove that you're a dick.
 
2009-11-19 02:25:16 PM  
The Power Nap: My cousin has allready made some racial remarks about my half very-successful-african-american fiancee

Man, you black folks sure don't like the mulattos, huh?
 
2009-11-19 02:25:56 PM  
My parents and my in-laws knew each other and were friends before my wife and I met in high school. We're all getting together for Thanksgiving at my in-laws' place.

My father enjoys fine wines. My father-in-law has very good taste in beer and spirits. My mother, mother-in-law, and my wife are excellent cooks.

I think that just about covers how awesome Thanksgiving is going to be.
 
2009-11-19 02:26:21 PM  
hankscorpio83: picture as hot as a Thanksgiving turkey

I was in that kid's third grade class. I am 100% serious.

You may all touch me and I will heal your ailments.
 
2009-11-19 02:27:38 PM  
I had a cousin who ate so much food at Thanksgiving that he became ill, went outside and threw up. He then came back in, sat down and started eating again since his stomach was empty.

Why yes, it was in Mississippi.
 
2009-11-19 02:29:20 PM  
file.walagata.com
 
2009-11-19 02:29:27 PM  
So what's this deal with being tactful and avoiding awkwardness AFTER you've been verbally assaulted, or someone is behaving obnoxiously? Fark it, I'm with the 2 gay guys - cross my line (which is pretty broad) and that means the gloves are off, and the fight is ON.

No stories, though, since everyone knows me well enough to not pull any serious mind-game crap ever again.

Though I did once choke down a slice of pie that consisted of gloppy prefab filling wrapped in what appeared to be a greasy paper towel. Hey, she gave her her best shot & ya gotta make allowances once in awhile.
 
2009-11-19 02:34:11 PM  
Stuff like this is why we decided to stay home this year...just the two of us alone
beer, good steaks for dinner and lounge around the house all morning

/has to be better than the drunk abusive alcoholic uncle passing out at the table. Face down into his plate after calling his sisters whores.
//The year before hubbies family refused to eat what I had cooked because I had used seasonings. They don't even use salt or pepper horrible horrible bland cooks...
 
2009-11-19 02:37:55 PM  
Bumpuses!!!
brainstorms.rheingold.com
 
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