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(thestranger.com)   Man has remote-controlled bowels implanted after motorcycle accident, really loses his shiat when wife changes the channel   (slog.thestranger.com ) divider line 81
    More: Interesting, motorcycle accidents, gut, pacemakers, rectum, Ged Galvin, pain and suffering, TiVo, South Yorkshire  
•       •       •

12012 clicks; posted to Main » on 18 Nov 2009 at 4:59 AM (6 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2009-11-18 05:00:11 AM  
That's some crazy shiat
 
2009-11-18 05:03:13 AM  
What happens when he runs out of battery power or someone steps on the remote?

www.hagenmus.com
 
2009-11-18 05:05:05 AM  
Knowing that this exists is a huge load off.

Life with a colostomy bag is one of my biggest phobias. I can't explain it.

I am not accident prone, but I am prone to fall victim to other's accidents.
 
2009-11-18 05:05:14 AM  
shiat happens
 
2009-11-18 05:08:35 AM  
Clap on, clap off?
 
2009-11-18 05:14:31 AM  
Rectum???? Damn near killed 'em
 
2009-11-18 05:16:36 AM  
Wow, great job article, way to explain what his "Bionic Bottom" actually does. What the hell is it, a remote control sphincter? It says pacemaker-like device and this both concerns and frightens me.
 
2009-11-18 05:27:19 AM  
40 watt range:
Knowing that this exists is a huge load off.

Life with a colostomy bag is one of my biggest phobias. I can't explain it.

I am not accident prone, but I am prone to fall victim to other's accidents.


The odds of your insurance covering it, as opposed to a colostomy, may be pretty low. I doubt my Perfect Socialist Utopia Healthcare here in Canada would agree to pay for it either. Especially since ostomies are now not the gurgling, leaking end-of-your-social-life nightmare they apparently once were.

Be more afraid of being blinded, or severely burned. Either one of those would be MY injury phobia...
 
2009-11-18 05:29:17 AM  

Fell In Love With a Chair: Wow, great job article, way to explain what his "Bionic Bottom" actually does. What the hell is it, a remote control sphincter? It says pacemaker-like device and this both concerns and frightens me.


It shocks your ass muscles when they are about to let go. Like a pacemaker shocks your heart if it stops.

You turn it off when it's actually time to go.

/as I understand it.
 
2009-11-18 05:36:01 AM  
ohhh the new and improved 6 million dollar man...

I'd like to see into/trailer for this tv show.
 
2009-11-18 05:50:45 AM  
More info:
http://bionicsphincter.com/
(new window)

/quite possibly the best URL ever
//i think i finally found a name for my band
///my love for this thread is like diarrhea... i just can't hold it in!
 
2009-11-18 06:01:11 AM  
old news is old and poopy.
 
2009-11-18 06:09:02 AM  

VoiceOfReason499: More info:
http://bionicsphincter.com/
(new window)

/quite possibly the best URL ever
//i think i finally found a name for my band
///my love for this thread is like diarrhea... i just can't hold it in!


From their webpage:

'Fuelled by the ageing baby boomer population and the increasing prevalence of obesity, the demand for products to control the loss of urine and feces is predicted to experience phenomenal growth.'

It must be great fun to work in this growing marketplace.

I think we must create new TAGLINES for this company. Let me start the ball rolling with:

BionicSphincter: 'CUT THE CRAP'

Your Suggestions please.......
 
2009-11-18 06:17:07 AM  

VoiceOfReason499: More info:
http://bionicsphincter.com/
(new window)


"More info"? I don't think it could be possible for that page to have less actual info:

The Colocare Evacuation System not only fills the bowel in a customized, controlled and repeatable manner, it also actively evacuates the bowel using sophisticated and physiologically appropriate algorithms that are customized for each person. It provides an individualized bowel cleansing process and at the end of the bowel cleansing cycle the motorized unit expels the waste directly into the toilet.

How about a diagram? A schematic? Nope. Just a vague reference to a "motorized unit", which for all we know could look like this.

www.southparkclub.com
 
2009-11-18 06:25:46 AM  
upload.wikimedia.org

Very interested in this technology.
 
2009-11-18 06:28:33 AM  

40 watt range::
Especially since ostomies are now not the gurgling, leaking end-of-your-social-life nightmare they apparently once were.


HAH. They still can be. Mine likes to gurgle in the middle of business situations and it used to gurgle in class. And I've had to drive home from my boyfriend's in the middle of the night to fix a leak. (Luckily he was still asleep and had no idea that I had left and came back). And then there was that one time I was strip searched at the airport because they wanted to make sure I REALLY had a bag and wasn't just smuggling a bomb under my shirt.

Unfortunately for me, it's either stay with the bag or have it reversed and be bedridden/homebound for the rest of my natural life. I'd rather put up with the bag and infrequent embarrassing situations and have, for the most part, a perfectly normal life. It's a trade off.

/only 21
//got it when I was 18
///you would never know by looking at me
////i have the best boyfriend in the world
//slashies
 
2009-11-18 06:40:54 AM  

40 watt range: Knowing that this exists is a huge load off.



img509.imageshack.us

Nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk.

/Poop thread!
 
2009-11-18 06:40:59 AM  
farm1.static.flickr.com

Talk about coming home and finding your garage door open, dang.
 
2009-11-18 06:48:44 AM  
Yeah, but can you fart? Or fart without sharting?
 
2009-11-18 06:50:35 AM  

Grumpybollocks: VoiceOfReason499: More info:
http://bionicsphincter.com/
(new window)

/quite possibly the best URL ever
//i think i finally found a name for my band
///my love for this thread is like diarrhea... i just can't hold it in!

From their webpage:

'Fuelled by the ageing baby boomer population and the increasing prevalence of obesity, the demand for products to control the loss of urine and feces is predicted to experience phenomenal growth.'

It must be great fun to work in this growing marketplace.

I think we must create new TAGLINES for this company. Let me start the ball rolling with:

BionicSphincter: 'CUT THE CRAP'

Your Suggestions please.......


BionicSphincter: 'NO SHIAT!'
 
2009-11-18 06:52:26 AM  
media.comicvine.com
Not impressed.
/a little grossed out actually.
 
2009-11-18 06:55:27 AM  
Ok...this has to be asked. What if someone takes his remote, in a prank, and makes him crap at any time? You know, like in board meetings or in a car pool?
 
2009-11-18 06:58:50 AM  
I love the smell of a poop thread in the morning. (inhales)
 
2009-11-18 06:59:39 AM  

anonymousgirl: 40 watt range::
Especially since ostomies are now not the gurgling, leaking end-of-your-social-life nightmare they apparently once were.

HAH. They still can be. Mine likes to gurgle in the middle of business situations and it used to gurgle in class. And I've had to drive home from my boyfriend's in the middle of the night to fix a leak. (Luckily he was still asleep and had no idea that I had left and came back). And then there was that one time I was strip searched at the airport because they wanted to make sure I REALLY had a bag and wasn't just smuggling a bomb under my shirt.

Unfortunately for me, it's either stay with the bag or have it reversed and be bedridden/homebound for the rest of my natural life. I'd rather put up with the bag and infrequent embarrassing situations and have, for the most part, a perfectly normal life. It's a trade off.

/only 21
//got it when I was 18
///you would never know by looking at me
////i have the best boyfriend in the world
//slashies


_______________________



What horrible and tragic accident leaves an 18 year-old-woman requiring a ostomy bag?
 
2009-11-18 07:05:11 AM  
My new vote for HOTY. Made me laugh. Guys usually lose their shiate when you change the channel.
 
2009-11-18 07:05:54 AM  
My best friends father had a colostomy bag when we were kids. Even thought his ass was sewn shut you would still walk down the hall and find him sitting on the toilet reading the newspaper. Also, he was a fat guy and would roll over onto it in the middle of the night and it would break open. The smell was horrid.
 
2009-11-18 07:12:53 AM  
That's nothing. Steve Austin could take out a bad guy with a well aimed squirt of curry-induced liquid poop from almost a mile. They just never showed it in the documentaries about his life.

/The bionic woman had a range of over two miles
 
2009-11-18 07:18:54 AM  
www.blogcdn.com

/red hue, green hue, mute farts; what's not to like
 
2009-11-18 07:22:23 AM  

just2quixotic: anonymousgirl: 40 watt range::
Especially since ostomies are now not the gurgling, leaking end-of-your-social-life nightmare they apparently once were.

HAH. They still can be. Mine likes to gurgle in the middle of business situations and it used to gurgle in class. And I've had to drive home from my boyfriend's in the middle of the night to fix a leak. (Luckily he was still asleep and had no idea that I had left and came back). And then there was that one time I was strip searched at the airport because they wanted to make sure I REALLY had a bag and wasn't just smuggling a bomb under my shirt.

Unfortunately for me, it's either stay with the bag or have it reversed and be bedridden/homebound for the rest of my natural life. I'd rather put up with the bag and infrequent embarrassing situations and have, for the most part, a perfectly normal life. It's a trade off.

/only 21
//got it when I was 18
///you would never know by looking at me
////i have the best boyfriend in the world
//slashies

_______________________

What horrible and tragic accident leaves an 18 year-old-woman requiring a ostomy bag?


Crohn's Disease.
 
2009-11-18 07:26:15 AM  
This is reason # 786 to not ride motorcycles. Those ostomy bags are not the end of the world as anonymousgirl noted. I would be much worried about serious brain damage or having one of my limbs torn off. Seen them both and worse in the hospital and in my forensic pathology rotation.
 
2009-11-18 07:31:49 AM  

Grumpybollocks: VoiceOfReason499: More info:
http://bionicsphincter.com/
(new window)

/quite possibly the best URL ever
//i think i finally found a name for my band
///my love for this thread is like diarrhea... i just can't hold it in!

From their webpage:

'Fuelled by the ageing baby boomer population and the increasing prevalence of obesity, the demand for products to control the loss of urine and feces is predicted to experience phenomenal growth.'

It must be great fun to work in this growing marketplace.

I think we must create new TAGLINES for this company. Let me start the ball rolling with:

BionicSphincter: 'CUT THE CRAP'

Your Suggestions please.......


Or, BionicSphincter: 'No Shiat, Sure Lock!'
 
2009-11-18 07:35:21 AM  

Fon_Win: ohhh the new and improved 6 million dollar man...

I'd like to see into/trailer for this tv show.


Every time he takes a crap, you hear the bionic "dee dee dee dee dee ..." sound.
 
2009-11-18 07:43:49 AM  

anonymousgirl: What horrible and tragic accident leaves an 18 year-old-woman requiring a ostomy bag?

Crohn's Disease.


Ah, that's what I suspected. I see that a lot in my line of work.
Horrible disease.
 
2009-11-18 07:45:10 AM  

anonymousgirl: HAH. They still can be. Mine likes to gurgle in the middle of business situations and it used to gurgle in class. And I've had to drive home from my boyfriend's in the middle of the night to fix a leak. (Luckily he was still asleep and had no idea that I had left and came back). And then there was that one time I was strip searched at the airport because they wanted to make sure I REALLY had a bag and wasn't just smuggling a bomb under my shirt.


Ileostomy here, and while most days no one would notice it mine has a habit of being rather noisy when least appropriate. Early dates can never consist of dinner and then quiet conversation, or the conversation ends up being about the surgeries.

As far as the rest, I carry an emergency patch kit and hit a restroom before going through security. Have been concerned about security a few times, I mean, obviously there is going to be more than 3oz in a ileostomy bag.

Unfortunately for me, it's either stay with the bag or have it reversed and be bedridden/homebound for the rest of my natural life. I'd rather put up with the bag and infrequent embarrassing situations and have, for the most part, a perfectly normal life. It's a trade off.

Pull-throughs are a pain in the ass, literally. I had mine reversed when I was three, and put back to a ostomy at 14. Am much happier with the occasional manufacturing defects and very rare leaks than I was before.
 
2009-11-18 07:55:02 AM  
Note to self: DO NOT purchase a motorcycle..

I think I've made this notation hundreds of times already..
 
2009-11-18 07:59:02 AM  

Indolent: Clap on, clap off?


No, crap on, crap off. The crapper!
 
2009-11-18 08:10:29 AM  
ROBOCRAP.
 
2009-11-18 08:12:23 AM  
Very interested in this new technology...

www.skynet.ie
 
2009-11-18 08:20:10 AM  
Ah, yes. The joys of motorcycles. The freedom! The wind in your hair! The attention from women! The accidents! The Clapper in your pocket so you can poop!
 
2009-11-18 08:30:42 AM  

Trapper439: That's nothing. Steve Austin could take out a bad guy with a well aimed squirt of curry-induced liquid poop from almost a mile. They just never showed it in the documentaries about his life.

/The bionic woman had a range of over two miles


She also could queef mustard gas
 
2009-11-18 08:34:36 AM  
First thing that came to mind:

"Gentlemen.
We can repair him.
We have the technology."
 
2009-11-18 08:37:29 AM  
My TV set's remote control currently has some sort of "sleep" programming glitch where it turns off the TV set after 20 minutes, and then stays off for a half-hour. I shudder to think what this would be like if it controlled my bowels.
 
2009-11-18 08:37:37 AM  
Came for The Tick... leaving disappointed.

Anyway:

t3.gstatic.com

/hotlink
 
2009-11-18 08:50:46 AM  
I, for one, welcome our new cyborg overlords.
 
2009-11-18 08:51:44 AM  
Ged Galvin made me think Fred Garvin

www.blockbuster.co.uk

he could have put a bionic sphincter to good use
 
2009-11-18 08:54:41 AM  

Marla Singer's Laundry: Ah, yes. The joys of motorcycles. The freedom! The wind in your hair! The attention from women! The accidents! The Clapper in your pocket so you can poop!


wouldn't we call it "The Crapper" and not "the clapper"?
 
2009-11-18 08:55:10 AM  
I have ulcerative colitis, so I'm getting a kick...

The prospect of having my colon removed scares the shiat out of me (lol, pun), but being practically housebound because you need to be near a bathroom at all times is a lot worse.

/flaring
//sick of these four walls
 
2009-11-18 09:00:28 AM  

Hobodeluxe: Marla Singer's Laundry: Ah, yes. The joys of motorcycles. The freedom! The wind in your hair! The attention from women! The accidents! The Clapper in your pocket so you can poop!

wouldn't we call it "The Crapper" and not "the clapper"?


crap on - crap off
 
2009-11-18 09:19:27 AM  
Wow, there sure are a lot of people with ostomies on Fark. Who knew?

ykarie:
As far as the rest, I carry an emergency patch kit and hit a restroom before going through security. Have been concerned about security a few times, I mean, obviously there is going to be more than 3oz in a ileostomy bag.

Oh brave new world... *facepalm*
 
2009-11-18 09:20:31 AM  
As a guy on the crapper reading this on my phone I'm getting a kick out of this thread.
/try getting that image out of your head
 
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