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Drew sets the Fark Betting Line for this week's upcoming stories, plus Headlines of the Week for 10/25 - 10/31
Posted by Drew at 2009-11-03 1:18:19 PM (34 comments) | Permalink
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For some reason, November brings out the weird more than any other month. Even on Fark, we notice an uptick in truly weird stories. Maybe it's Seasonal Weird Disorder, or perhaps Halloween candy has a latent hallucinogenic effect. More likely it's just a slow news month. There will be a bit of analysis on the presidential election from last year, and the 30-year anniversary of the Iranian hostage crisis is this week, so expect a bit of retrospective, but otherwise there's probably not as much to report on, so there's more filler. The holy trinity will be 1) The Holidays, 2) Bacon Lung, and 3) The Economy. So expect stories on How to Deal with your Asshole Relatives, How to Not Get Swine Flu from your Asshole Relatives During the Holidays, and How to Politely Decline when your Asshole Relatives are Laid Off and Need to Crash With You.
Now that Halloween is over and they're feeding the leftover pumpkins to zoo animals, the horror movies are out, and the rush of family-friendly movies is on. This year will feature the classic story of the Family Who Hates Each Other but Eventually Gets Along.
Here is the Fark Betting Line on some other stories we expect to see this week, and the odds of each. Feel free to add your own to the thread:
- First of the radio stations switches to an all-Christmas-Music format -- in November (12:1)
- News stations break into local coverage to remind you that flying is expensive and to buy your flight tickets as early as possible (3:1)
- News stations break into broken-into local coverage to breathlessly inform you that there's an airline fare war going on (17:1)
- "Fare war" is actually just a publicity stunt from jacked-up ticket prices the week before the fare war (2:1)
- "Does flying actually increase your odds of catching swine flu? Stay tuned" (3:2)
- Zany radio station zoo crew disposes of leftover Halloween pumpkins in the most entertaining way possible (5:1)
- Disposal method includes either explosives or catapult (7:1)
- Or both (28:1)
- First sighting of the business financial analyst who pulls a number out of his ass that swine flu absences will cause American businesses to lose $193.47 bullshillion dollars (5:1)
- First fistfight between helicopter parents during a line-up for swine flu vaccinations (4:1)
- First theft of swine flu vaccines (59:1)
- Iran takes a few hostages from the American Embassy "just for old times sake" (429:1)
Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-10-25 to Sat 2009-10-31:
Rhode Island man hits pedestrian with car, drives for one mile with man stuck in windshield. Driver charged with leaving the scene of an accident, which is odd, since technically he took it with him
Bolivian animal rights activists succeed in banning circuses from using animals, but now have to figure out what to do with 22 useless lions, a problem Detroit has faced for years
DC sniper to get one shot, one kill
We've secretly replaced this couple's alarm clock with a Chevy Malibu. Let's see if they notice the difference
Man pleads guilty to stealing $69,000 in antique coins, will be sent to £MITA prison
Headline redundancy: "Windows Broken, Computers Damaged"
Small plane rapidly plunges into bottom end of Virgin Islands, to be renamed Technical Virgin Islands
EPA finds manganese threat at two schools. Just wait until they learn about the tentacle rape
Farmer killed by grain auger. You know the drill
Here is the church, and here is the steeple, have some bad weather, and it falls on the people
Remote Brazilian tribe finds plane crash survivors alive, delicious
Braylon Edwards hit with assault charges, though they're expected to be dropped
Yankee fans believe that Jay-Z was responsible for the win last night. Clearly, this is a logical fallacy; after all, the Phillies had 99 problems, and pitching was one
New Cubs owners say there are no plans for changes, pennant
Chemical discovered that attracts mosquitoes to humans. Submitter was going to joke that they had named it "submitters-wifeium", but realized that they really named it "nonanal", which means the same thing
Internet turns 40 years old today, starts surfing itself for the best price on a new Porsche and a young blonde mistress with huge tits
British woman finally on her feet again a year after sneezing and breaking her back. If this woman ever has an orgasm we're all dead
Corey Feldman's wife files for divorce. Corey Feldman to seek sole custody of Corey Haim
Sony greenlights Men in Black 3, the most anticipated movie of 1999
Members of blind and deaf community upset that one of their own won't play Helen Keller on Broadway; authorities baffled as to how they found out
Obama declares swine flu a national emergency, eyes Nobel Prize in Medicine
Pakistan: We don't know where Al-Qaeda leaders are. Hillary: Huh? what? Sorry, I couldn't hear you over the sound of my bullshiat detector going off
Sarah Palin: "Those who would sell their body for money...are likely to say and do anything for even more attention." Andrew Sullivan: "Hey, here's a video of you in a bathing suit competition"
Michael Jackson on target for a sixth No. 1 album. Needless to say, he's speechless
John Mayer tried to smuggle a small pocketknife onto a plane; airport security confiscated it, fearing that someone would try and kill Mayer with it
Why Barry Manilow likes gardening: "It allows me to be quiet." I think that's a hobby that we could all support, Barry
After realizing he won't be allowed to burn the company down and collect the insurance money, Carl Icahn resigns from the board of Yahoo
Dodd: We're imposing new rules on credit cards. CC Companies: Then we'll jack up interest rates before the rules go into effect. Dodd: Then I'll freeze card rates, you c*ck
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