"hey, lets go park and not fool around in my Volvo!"



Sad really, Volvo has had some hot cars over the years.

They're boxy, but they're good.

Bland?

Uh, try that again. Bland?



/ hawt

I was unaware teenage girls had the funds or the credit to buy new cars.

Volvos?

Pfft.



All movies should feature tricked-out Yugos...

... even period-piece films like Last of the Mohicans, 1776, and Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.

You can't tell me that Peter Jackson's King Kong couldn't have been improved by way of a fleet of Yugos chasing after the title character.

The Icelander: I was unaware teenage girls had the funds or the credit to buy new cars.

teenage girls have rich daddies.

or so I'm told.

Blackbird: Buy Volvos. They're boxy, but they're good. We know they're not sexy. This is not a time to be sexy anyway with so many new diseases around. Be safe instead of sexy. Volvo: boxy but good.

It worked last time.

Saab.

Not all Volvos are boxy, boring or ugly:

I don't think the C30 is exactly bland. It's not eyepopping great, but it's not bad.

What if the Volvo sparkles? Would that make it less bland?

Blackbird: Buy Volvos. They're boxy, but they're good. We know they're not sexy. This is not a time to be sexy anyway with so many new diseases around. Be safe instead of sexy. Volvo: boxy but good.

That's Crazy People.

Dirty Hot Linker: Indolent: What if the Volvo sparkles? Would that make it less bland?

What if the Volvo does nothing that a car is suppose to do? Would that be more in-step with the film?

Yes. It would be a vortex of suck.

You fool! Swedish cars are wonderful when they're not run by American companies.

Any Saab purists here? I learned to drive a stick shift on a Saab 99, like the one pictured here.

iStig: Uh, try that again. Bland?

i'm more of a VW/Audi fan, but I gave one of these a serious look recently. nice ride.

eddyatwork: The Icelander: I was unaware teenage girls had the funds or the credit to buy new cars.

They don't. Teenage girls have mommies and daddies who have credit and want their precious to be in a safe car.

True, but my daughter's getting a 10-year-old Volvo. No credit involved.

My kids will start driving in four or five years. I hope my 1993 850 GLT will still be running just fine, I know it will still be low to the ground, heavy, a hair underpowered and safe as a house. Then they can drive that.

Sonofabiatch is hard on heater blowers, though.

Guys, here's a secret: Shallow girls really don't care what you drive. Really. They don't give a rat's ass how much horsepower your midlife crisis sports car has. Image isn't what they're after. No, what's really happening is the female is sizing up the male as part of an animalistic mating ritual.

A sports car doesn't say "I'm cool" or "I have money". It says, "My wallet is looser than a porn star's vagina." At this point, you're not a prospect -- you're prey.

Volvo's making a shrewd bet. If it works, girls will want guys who drive Volvos, because in their minds, such a car will say, "This guy is like Edward." Never mind it's nonsense; this is basically the same wiring that females use to size up males at the insect level. It works both ways, but girls who associate cars with men are idiots. Really, you don't want to date a girl that. Even if she's epic hot, that crazy scheming mind will put you through a world of hurt.

I mentioned this sizing up is animalistic, so maybe you guys remember those Nature Channel programs as two mammals hilariously humping like crazy in a savannah or a lion lording over a harem, but you're forgetting the parts where the female watches the males fight each other, initially rejects the victor on principle, forces him to perform a three-hour mating dance, then attacks him after only a few minutes of nooky.

So, my recommendation is to stick to the shiatty-ass bucket o' bolts that drives away skanks and goth fangirls like roaches hit with Raid. That'll allow you to meet a girl with a brain who won't give a rat's ass what you drive unless she's a genuine car enthusiast -- in which case, she'll know about Volvos but wouldn't have any clue what some fictional character drives in a crappy movie. She won't take your shiat, but that's a small price to pay for not having to be constantly compared to some crazy fat biatch's pulp vampodrama wet dream.