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"The U.S. is facing an epidemic of swine flu...stories." Don't worry, coming to Fark is an innoculation against media panic. A short post by Drew, then a few of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 10/18 - 10/24
Posted by Drew at 2009-10-26 3:17:28 PM (107 comments) | Permalink
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9617 clicks; posted to Main » on 26 Oct 2009 at 3:21 PM (5 years ago) | | share: more»
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Halloween week is upon us, so be on the lookout for the usual outrage commentaries about how kids costumes nowadays are too slutty, then articles on where to x-ray candy, followed up the day after Halloween by articles on how poisoned candy is mostly just an urban legend.
Man your newsflash stations: THE UNITED STATES IS FACING AN EPIDEMIC OF SWINE FLU...stories. Just like how every time you masturbate God kills a kitten, every time time MSM runs another swine flu story, they lose just a little more credibility. Hasn't everyone had swine flu already? I caught it last April. Don't worry, for the next few weeks you'll get to hear which sports and entertainment celebrities have swine flu, which were reported to have swine flu but actually didn't, and probably some more death rumors tied to those. If there's one celebrity that you hate with the heat of a thousand suns, don't worry, that celebrity will remain healthy as a bull.
Next week's story today: Can Thanksgiving turkeys give you swine flu? I'm just guessing, based on the fact that there were a ton of articles on "Can Thanksgiving turkeys give you bird flu?!" a few years ago.
Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-10-18 to Sat 2009-10-24:
As more cyclists hit the road, more cyclists hit the road
LHC gears up to test the theory that it greenlights stories about itself from the past
288 people killed by mudslides in the Benguet province. Officials say that it's two gross
Balloon boy family feels 'Under Siege'. Sheriff's department is now Out For Justice as this story proves Hard To Kill. Is this family Above The Law, or will an Executive Decision leave them Marked For Death?
Steve Irwin's $40 million zoo to open in Las Vegas. I'm sure that it will be a ray of sunshine for everyone
Out in the West Texas town of El Paso / They have the country's most hideous guys / Obese and ugly and uneducated / Just to get farked they must wear a disguise
Utah's four-day workweek has saved taxpayers millions and given the average state employee more time to spend with his spouses
Gas blowing out exit brings 69 to a complete halt
Two agencies, both alike in purpose / In fair Verona, where we lay our scene, / From stillness move to probe an accident / Where falling flooring makes the ground unclean
Man acquitted of 1990 rape, murder. That means the real killer's still out there somewhere
Balloon Boy's mom admitted to police the whole saga was a hoax. WHAT? A HOAX? REALLY?
Denver improves to 6-0, although they have yet to play a good team, as evinced by the fact that every team they have played has lost to the Broncos
Ahman Green signs contract with the Green Bay Packers, immediately drops it
Trojans stick it to Beavers
Scientists discover how Lotus stays dry. Surprisingly, answer is not "Because they're always in the shop"
Twitter's co-founder, Evan Williams, talks exclusively to the Daily Telegraph about the future of search and plans for improving the micro-b (0)
Pilot project is trying to determine if chewing gum will ease swallowing problems among people with Parkinson's disease. I'll pause while that sinks in for a minute
CBS to produce two shows from Samuel L. Jackson's TV company. You know the shows on TV? You ARE aware that there's an invention called television, and on this invention, they show shows, right?
Joss Whedon to direct an episode of "Glee". In other news, "Glee" will be promptly moved to Friday night and cancelled
Hulk Hogan floored by divorce, steel chair
Men who voted for McCain saw immediate drops in testosterone levels after election results announced. Men who voted for Obama didn't have any to lose, stayed the same
Twenty years ago, communism fell across the globe, surviving today only in Cuba, China and Berkeley
US warns of 'slow, painful' intercourse with Myanmar, suggests that Burma shave
Next demographic to be exploited: Parents who grew up worshipping hair metal. "Lullaby Renditions of Guns & Roses" is out, in case you always wanted your kids to fall asleep to a song about heroin and prostitutes
Evanescence plans on playing a secret show in New York next month. The news has been greeted warmly by their legion of fan
Man tries to hijack Paul Simon's tour bus. This wouldn't have happened if Paul had a bodyguard
On 3/11/09, a trader made a $1.7 million bet that shares of Bear Stearns would lose more than half their value in less than nine days. On 3/17/09, the options paid $270 million. And yes, SEC about as effective as Sgt. Schultz overseeing Hogan
The luxury market, once in free-fall, is still declining, just not as steeply as some analysts earlier expected. In other words, people are still buying ivory back scratchers, just not as many
Giant crane has swan song in St. Louis before trip to Kansas City. It will have to duck, but has no egrets
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