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(New Zealand Herald)   American tourist dies after swimming with dolphins. It can't have happened on porpoise   (nzherald.co.nz ) divider line
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16875 clicks; posted to Main » on 20 Oct 2009 at 5:43 AM (6 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2009-10-19 10:53:30 PM  
Carl Hiaasen tried to warn them...
 
2009-10-19 11:04:20 PM  
I chortled.
 
2009-10-20 12:37:06 AM  
The Male:

When a male dolphin is interested in you, about the only thing you can do, if you are male, is to masturbate him. (Unfortunately, I cannot speak for the female of the human species... it seems women just don't like dolphins enough... so I cannot say for sure if it is safe to mate with them. I would suspect not, due to a dolphins size, but then again, I cannot say for a woman.) WARNING! In the considerations of safety, you should NEVER let a male dolphin attempt anal sex with you. The Bottle-nose dolphin member is around 12 inches, very muscular, and the thrusting and the force of ejaculation (A male can come as far as 14 feet) would cause serious internal injuries, resulting in peritonitus and possible death. Unless you are the masochistic type, you will have a hard time explaining your predicament to the doctors in the emergency ward....

A male dolphin's member is roughly S-shaped, tapered at the end. If you are in the water with them, it is best to support the dolphin on his side, just under the water, with one hand, and handle him with the other. Male dolphins, I find, tend to prefer the base of the penis to be gently massaged and squeezed, as well as gently rubbed along it's length. It feels very much like the rest of the dolphin (ie. smooth and rubbery to the touch, but firmer). It doesn't take long for the male to ejaculate, around 40 seconds to a minute, and this is usually accompanied by either shuddering just prior to ejaculating, and thrusting and tail-arching during ejaculation. The force of ejaculation can be powerful at times, so it is best to keep your face out of the line of fire, or keep his member underwater. You can attempt to lick and suck on the end of it while masturbating as well, but be warned, do not try to give full throat, and get the hell out of the way before he ejaculates! A male dolphin could snap your neck in an accidental thrust, and that would be the end of that relationship.

The Female:

Well, the females are again a little trickier. There are two courses of action with a female fin: Masturbation, or mating.

Masturbation: Female dolphins, once they show interest in you, can be supported in much the same way as the male, one hand under the fin, supporting her, the other doing the stimulating. The clitoris of the female is located at the top of the genital slit, and is a prominent lump when erect. You can rub this with your finger tips, or lick and suck it, but with the oral aspect, you might end up with a bruised nose as they thrust up into you. You can slide your hand gently into their genital opening, and feel around inside, rubbing gently. They feel warm and muscular inside, their labia like tough, squishy sponge when they are excited. Don't be surprised if they start to play with your hand inside them. They have very manipulative muscles, and can use them to carry and manipulate objects, including your hand. (They can do things that would make a regular human woman turn green with envy.) Their climax is coupled with stiffening, shuddering, sometimes a lot of thrusting, clinching of the vaginal muscles, and sometimes vocalisation.

Mating: This is harder. Obviously, being human, it is awkward, but not impossible to mate in open water. It is easier to have the dolphin in a shallow area (like the shallows just off the beach) around 1 1/2 to 2 feet deep. This is usually comfortable enough for both the dolphin and you. Gently, you should roll the dolphin on her side, so she is lying belly-towards you. You can prop yourself up on an elbow, and lie belly to belly against her. You may want to use the other arm to gently hold her close, and place the tip of your member against her genital slit. She will, if interested, arch her body up against you, taking you inside her body. There is usually a fair bit of wriggling and shifting, usually to get comfortable, both outside and inside. Once comfortable, though, females initiate a series of muscular vaginal contractions that rub the entire length of your member. They may also thrust rhythmically against you, so enjoy the experience while you can, since you will rarely last longer that a minute or two. Just prior to her climaxing, she will up the speed of her contractions and thrusts. It is interesting to note that the times I have mated with females, thay have timed their orgasm to mine. Whether they do this consciously or not, I do not know, but it is a great feeling to have two bodies shuddering against each other at the one time.

One thing to note. Whether you masturbate or mate a fin, male or female, always spend time with them afterwards. Cuddle them, rub them, talk to them and most importantly, and show them you love them. This is essential, as it helps to strengthen the bond between you. Like a way of saying that this wasn't just a one night fling. The dolphins appreciate it, and they will want your company more the next time you visit them.
 
2009-10-20 01:21:08 AM  

John Nash: The Male:

When a male dolphin is interested in you...


And people rag on me for being a furry when there are freaks like this on the loose.
 
2009-10-20 01:28:45 AM  
The dolphins got jealous when they found he was sleeping with the fishes.
 
2009-10-20 02:57:37 AM  
WTF did she die from? That might have been a slightly compelling piece of information to be included in the article. Drowning? Heart attack? Force of impact? Chewed to death by evil dolphins?
 
2009-10-20 03:03:09 AM  
Sonofa typo *she.
 
2009-10-20 03:35:03 AM  
John Nash: The Male:

What the shiat? Do I even want to know where you found that? And how someone thought that up?
 
2009-10-20 05:48:04 AM  

GAT_00: John Nash: The Male:

What the shiat? Do I even want to know where you found that? And how someone thought that up?


I don't know if this is where he got it, but I'm suitably disturbed by the "About the Author" section to regret googling for the source.
 
2009-10-20 05:48:32 AM  
Hank Hill learned about swimming with dolphins the hard way.
 
2009-10-20 05:48:37 AM  

GAT_00: What the shiat? Do I even want to know where you found that? And how someone thought that up?


it's real

there are dolphin sex guides on the internet - I randomly mention this shiat out of nowhere in a conversation just to make people go WTF
 
2009-10-20 05:51:34 AM  
I'm finding it impossible to explain to everyone why I'm laughing...

/only on Fark
 
2009-10-20 05:53:57 AM  

canaDn: Carl Hiaasen tried to warn them...


Was not expecting this right off the bat, leaving very satisfied.
 
2009-10-20 06:00:28 AM  

John Nash: The Male:

When a male dolphin is interested in you...wtfness...


uhh, so long and thanks for all the fish?
 
OKO
2009-10-20 06:01:36 AM  

John Nash: Masturbation: Female dolphins, once they show interest in you,


If it is shark week, you need to be in tuna with your surroundings.
 
2009-10-20 06:03:31 AM  

Rob Anybody: GAT_00: John Nash: The Male:

What the shiat? Do I even want to know where you found that? And how someone thought that up?

I don't know if this is where he got it, but I'm suitably disturbed by the "About the Author" section to regret googling for the source.


I've heard that lots of dolphin trainers have to... ahem... provide extra
motivation to their charges, and that in the wild all dolphins are bisexual
given that they self segregate into all-male and all-female pods. Mostly
because dolphin males are extremely sexually aggressive. Not to mention
the instances of dolphins killing younger 'phins by repeatedly flipping
them out of the water.

They may well be as intelligent as humans, but they're not the perfect
beings that all the freaky new-agers would have you believe.
 
2009-10-20 06:06:02 AM  
i28.photobucket.com
 
2009-10-20 06:07:58 AM  
inlinethumb49.webshots.com

King Snorky wanted for questioning
 
2009-10-20 06:22:47 AM  
Ahhhh, dolphinsex.org. A lost gem. Thank you John Nash.
 
2009-10-20 06:29:10 AM  
Our Dolphins hate american tourists. Much like we do.
They're loud and obnoxious.
So are the tourists.
 
2009-10-20 06:32:08 AM  
 
2009-10-20 06:32:26 AM  
alcohol and night swimming, the perfect combination
 
2009-10-20 06:32:39 AM  
www.antoniogenna.net

Now she lives in a world full of wonder.

/ticket, window, etc
 
2009-10-20 06:55:57 AM  
images1.wikia.nocookie.net
 
2009-10-20 07:09:36 AM  
My submission was dolphinately better.
(I am throwing that in just for the halibut)
 
2009-10-20 07:12:42 AM  
Came here for the dolphin mating guide
Leaving satisfied
/and disturbed
 
2009-10-20 07:13:48 AM  
nosheep.net

what a killer dolphin may look like.
 
2009-10-20 07:18:20 AM  
She was sleeping with the fishes?
 
2009-10-20 07:24:44 AM  
 
2009-10-20 07:37:55 AM  

GAT_00: John Nash: The Male:

What the shiat? Do I even want to know where you found that? And how someone thought that up?


Man, that's been going 'round the internet for.. well, at least since 1999, I think.
 
2009-10-20 07:44:23 AM  
img36.imageshack.us
Obligatory.
 
2009-10-20 08:10:12 AM  
They must have been playing soccer with her head.
 
2009-10-20 08:12:53 AM  
ha. a few months back i went to a 'dolphin encounter' trip on a cruise. it was hilarious how many times - and how strongly - the handlers warned all the tourists to "never EVER pet a dolphin below the naval!"

/ implied dolphin solicitation
// cool story, bro.
 
2009-10-20 08:12:59 AM  
It's like American Psycho with dolphins...

/eeek, eeek, eeek (Don't just stare at it, eat it!)
 
2009-10-20 08:17:24 AM  
Dolphins are dicks of the sea. This is why we all are interested in each other as humans are dicks of the land.
 
2009-10-20 08:17:41 AM  
What a dolphin or 27 year old female American tourist may look like.

media.nzherald.co.nz
 
2009-10-20 08:19:30 AM  
img16.imageshack.us

Unavailable for comment.
 
2009-10-20 08:21:26 AM  
I though this was going to be an article about the New Zealand mafia.
 
2009-10-20 08:22:17 AM  
American tourist dies after swimming with dolphins.

Bea and Fa described as 'tursiops of interest' by authorities.
 
2009-10-20 08:36:32 AM  
leaderswedeserve.files.wordpress.com

GET DOWN! HE'S GOT A GUN!!!!!
 
2009-10-20 08:44:41 AM  
pressthebuttons.typepad.com

We told you!
 
2009-10-20 08:48:18 AM  
There is no such thing as "eco-tourism", biatches. Mess with nature and it may kick your ass.
 
2009-10-20 09:05:25 AM  
It's not just the dolphins...

i249.photobucket.com
 
2009-10-20 09:25:38 AM  
"can't have happened" or "couldn't have happened"?
 
2009-10-20 09:27:49 AM  

spyderqueen: Dolphins are dicks of the sea. This is why we all are interested in each other as humans are dicks of the land.


They really are. They will kill other animals for fun.
 
2009-10-20 09:38:15 AM  

evilboyevil: spyderqueen: Dolphins are dicks of the sea. This is why we all are interested in each other as humans are dicks of the land.

They really are. They will kill other animals for fun.


All higher omnivores/carnivores do that. The myth of animals only killing just what they need to survive is just that: A myth.
 
2009-10-20 09:40:44 AM  
Could be the culprit(s)?
Screaming Black Dolphins
 
2009-10-20 09:56:45 AM  
Wow, it's almost like dolphins are powerful, wild animals that have no obligation to us whatsoever.
 
2009-10-20 10:07:52 AM  

ijason: ha. a few months back i went to a 'dolphin encounter' trip on a cruise. it was hilarious how many times - and how strongly - the handlers warned all the tourists to "never EVER pet a dolphin below the naval!"

/ implied dolphin solicitation
// cool story, bro.


I had a similar experience in Hawaii and we were also warned not to pet below the waist.
 
2009-10-20 10:49:32 AM  
i38.tinypic.com
 
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