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(Cracked)   7 sex tips critiqued by a virgin   (cracked.com) divider line 453
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71926 clicks; posted to Main » on 14 Oct 2009 at 6:09 PM (4 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2009-10-14 07:05:20 PM
My favs list on fark just went up by atleast 10 chicks
 
2009-10-14 07:05:39 PM
Lollipop165: Actually, concerning sneezgasm, its *kinda* true.

When the I cough during sex, my muscles down there tighten. He loves it.


Feels good when you laugh (unless you're laughing AT him), but coughing is a bit sudden. Never cared for the coughing thing, myself.
 
2009-10-14 07:06:19 PM
Killer Cars: It's not. Trust me.

When I first started dating girls (so back in high school) I think they just flat out sucked at handjobs and it became like them driving a roadster on a windy mountain road. Once I practically yelled at one with "Jesus, do you think that shiat is detachable?"


I just couldn't imagine in any instance where that would seem sexy. The closest thing I could come up with is riding in a car, but that is still pushing it in my opinion.
 
2009-10-14 07:07:23 PM
If your girl will have doggy when she's got a cold, the involuntary clenching every time she coughs is pretty awesome.

Pray for bronchitis.
 
2009-10-14 07:07:42 PM
Zen_Sorcere: Feels good when you laugh (unless you're laughing AT him)

8) Spice up the action by constantly doing the "Ha Ha!" Nelson laugh at your man.
 
2009-10-14 07:08:43 PM
Over 150 posts and no blowjob girl yet? FARK, I'm disappointed in you.
 
Nib
2009-10-14 07:08:44 PM
As someone who has their scrotum bitten, I must say it felt awesome. Though it did leave a teeth shaped lump that had me concerned for a few times.

God damn cocaine.
 
2009-10-14 07:09:01 PM
It seems that the sex advice in Cosmo is for women who have had little to no sexual experience. I mean, really, you are going to work your way through their list of "secrets" experimenting on your own in no time. I remember reading this magazine in high school and that was about the last time I found it interesting. Nowadays if I take a look, I feel like I must be a complete pervert, because their sex "advice" all seems like something you could just as easily get from your pastor compared to the stuff I am into, and could only be news to the most boring vanilla people ever. Yes, I am taking into account that I work for an adult toy company, but still. I can only guess that most of the target Cosmo audience thinks that giving a BJ is a wild kinky time. In fact, I am occasionally amazed to hear that there are girls who don't even go down. What?? And he married you? WTF?

/end rant
//back to running inventory reports for c0ck rings, farking machines, etc.
 
2009-10-14 07:10:17 PM
melaniethepanda: I think Cosmo is written by a bunch of lesbians who hate men and want all women to be dumped in shame so they too will become lesbians.

It's a vicious cycle.


That would explain the cover models.
 
2009-10-14 07:15:00 PM
Dear lord, do people actually read that farking magazine?



(cosmo)
 
2009-10-14 07:15:33 PM
Reading these comments has seriously made me lose all respect for you farkers. You're all a bunch of pansies. I mean, okay, the pepper thing is weird. Snot is not the fluid I want all over me after sex.

But seriously? It's not an Indian rug burn. I do that to my boyfriend all the time. I just make sure his dick is all wet first. He likes the stimulation being in two different directions. And what's wrong with the joystick thing? Granted, I'm usually giving oral while I do it, but fellows I've been with seem to enjoy it. And it clearly says to "gently tug" the pubic hairs, not try to pull them out.

Bah.
 
2009-10-14 07:16:32 PM
Nobody brought up this joke (new window) yet? (NSFW ads)

And nobody posted this, either:
img248.imageshack.us
/Hot like Katey Sagal 20 years ago.
 
2009-10-14 07:16:34 PM
My nuts hurt after reading that article.
 
2009-10-14 07:17:13 PM
Though, I have to say, I buy Cosmo two or three times a year, and yeah - their "sex secrets" are all pretty much the same. My bf did enjoy the "hide the honey" game, though, where you put a tiny dollop of honey somewhere on your body, then the other person has to find it using only their mouth.

Good times.
 
2009-10-14 07:18:02 PM
Cagey B: Zen_Sorcere: Feels good when you laugh (unless you're laughing AT him)

8) Spice up the action by constantly doing the "Ha Ha!" Nelson laugh at your man.


HA HA! I'm using your BONER!!1!!11
 
2009-10-14 07:18:29 PM
I personally know 4 out of the 5 furries in the first pic...

FML
 
2009-10-14 07:19:05 PM
Pocket_Pitbull 2009-10-14 06:46:51 PM
Alas Babylon: Lollipop165: Actually, concerning sneezgasm, its *kinda* true.

When the I cough during sex, my muscles down there tighten. He loves it.


Have you thought about just squeezing? No coughing required.

Kiegel's?

Personally I don't care how much I like the chick. I don't want her coughing or sneezing when I'm having sex with her. Kiegel's? If I wanted her to tighten up, I'd give her a donkey punch.
 
2009-10-14 07:19:12 PM
Dovienya: But seriously? It's not an Indian rug burn. I do that to my boyfriend all the time. I just make sure his dick is all wet first. He likes the stimulation being in two different directions. And what's wrong with the joystick thing? Granted, I'm usually giving oral while I do it, but fellows I've been with seem to enjoy it. And it clearly says to "gently tug" the pubic hairs, not try to pull them out.

Granted sometimes a little bit of rough play can be fun, A little biting, a little tugging. But the ones concerning playing with his balls like dice just seems very painful.
 
2009-10-14 07:20:15 PM
Pocket_Pitbull: Perducci: Girls, next time you're doing these, be sure to try up-up-down-down-left-right-left-right and maybe you'll get a cool bonus!

But where are the A and B buttons??

/love the oldskool Konami


Right here:

Link (NSFW)
 
2009-10-14 07:21:14 PM
Ambrotos: Actually, with enough lube, I can see how the Indian rugburn would feel good.

If by lube you mean warm saliva then yes. It can be quite good. Especially when she's wringing out the last few seconds before lift off. To each his own.
 
2009-10-14 07:22:42 PM
Dovienya: Though, I have to say, I buy Cosmo two or three times a year, and yeah - their "sex secrets" are all pretty much the same. My bf did enjoy the "hide the honey" game, though, where you put a tiny dollop of honey somewhere on your body, then the other person has to find it using only their mouth.

Good times.


Sounds like a great 'game'. I'm sure men wouldn't put it on the end of their cock every single bloody time.
 
2009-10-14 07:23:05 PM
Hold still!
 
2009-10-14 07:23:06 PM
Madame Psychosis: It seems that the sex advice in Cosmo is for women who have had little to no sexual experience. I mean, really, you are going to work your way through their list of "secrets" experimenting on your own in no time. I remember reading this magazine in high school and that was about the last time I found it interesting. Nowadays if I take a look, I feel like I must be a complete pervert, because their sex "advice" all seems like something you could just as easily get from your pastor compared to the stuff I am into, and could only be news to the most boring vanilla people ever. Yes, I am taking into account that I work for an adult toy company, but still. I can only guess that most of the target Cosmo audience thinks that giving a BJ is a wild kinky time. In fact, I am occasionally amazed to hear that there are girls who don't even go down. What?? And he married you? WTF?

/end rant
//back to running inventory reports for c0ck rings, farking machines, etc.


You should make a Cosmo Advanced or something.

Farking Machines: How much horsepower is too much?
 
2009-10-14 07:23:21 PM
Whatever it takes to get her in the mode. Lubrication does wonders. No burn needed. Natural or store bought. It's your choice.

Ladies, you can start slowly and work your way up. bing! ;)
 
2009-10-14 07:24:02 PM
I had a boyfriend who liked it when I put an ice cube in my mouth before a blowjob. I quite enjoy having my ass bitten and slapped, and hair pulled. Not every time, and in different combinations. Don't be such wimps people! Sex is dirty and fun! That being said, cosmo deserves to be mocked.
 
2009-10-14 07:24:24 PM
e5wsf: Ambrotos: Actually, with enough lube, I can see how the Indian rugburn would feel good.

If by lube you mean warm saliva then yes. It can be quite good. Especially when she's wringing out the last few seconds before lift off. To each his own.


Either way. It just has to be slick enough.
Oh, especially the last few seconds.

/feels good man.
 
2009-10-14 07:25:00 PM
littelett's

Granted sometimes a little bit of rough play can be fun, A little biting, a little tugging. But the ones concerning playing with his balls like dice just seems very painful.

Alright, I've honestly never played Yahtzee, but I've played other games involving dice and I would never handle a fellow's balls the way I do dice. But a little jiggling is nice, from what I can tell.
 
2009-10-14 07:27:10 PM
the_vegetarian_cannibal: Over 150 posts and no blowjob girl yet? FARK, I'm disappointed in you.

Look again. At least two of us posted that before you.
 
2009-10-14 07:27:16 PM
Iron Chef Scottish:

Sounds like a great 'game'. I'm sure men wouldn't put it on the end of their cock every single bloody time.


Awww, I guess you have no imagination. :/ No, he's never put it on his junk at all, though I usually end up spending plenty of time there, anyway. It's amazing - once guys start having regular sex, they tend to get less obsessed with immediately getting off.
 
2009-10-14 07:27:41 PM
The comments on spanking remind me of something that happened with my ex-GF a few years ago. She wanted to "Clappers" for her bedroom, one for each lamp so like the loyal dog I was I bought them for her.

Later that evening we were in the sack and I smacked her on her butt.

Clap-on!

Both lamps came on.

Clap-Off!

Both lamps turned off.

Needless to say the mood was ruined because we were laughing so hard, especially when the lamps got out of synch as in one spank, left light on, right light off, another spank - visa versa...


Good times...
 
2009-10-14 07:27:44 PM
jekxrb: "After she's attempted to bite your nutsack, yanked out your pubic hairs and rattled your balls like she's working a craps table, it'll be sweet relief to have the woman merely grab your boner and steer it around while making "BEEP BOOP" video game noises with her mouth."

DO A BARREL ROLL.
 
2009-10-14 07:29:05 PM
OK, article is full of win.

I'm guessing Cosmo is part of the Joseph Mengele Publishing Group?
 
2009-10-14 07:29:28 PM
That magazine rots brains.
 
2009-10-14 07:29:29 PM
Iron Chef Scottish: Dovienya: Though, I have to say, I buy Cosmo two or three times a year, and yeah - their "sex secrets" are all pretty much the same. My bf did enjoy the "hide the honey" game, though, where you put a tiny dollop of honey somewhere on your body, then the other person has to find it using only their mouth.

Good times.

Sounds like a great 'game'. I'm sure men wouldn't put it on the end of their cock every single bloody time.


But once guys figured out that girls thought that, we'd start putting it on our ankle or wrist. That way you go nuts trying to figure out where on our man bits we put the honey, and if you want to win the "game" you can't stop. This game is brilliant.
 
2009-10-14 07:29:31 PM
Dovienya: Iron Chef Scottish:

Sounds like a great 'game'. I'm sure men wouldn't put it on the end of their cock every single bloody time.

Awww, I guess you have no imagination. :/ No, he's never put it on his junk at all, though I usually end up spending plenty of time there, anyway. It's amazing - once guys start having regular sex, they tend to get less obsessed with immediately getting off.


For me, it depends when the game is on. If we're only a couple minutes from kickoff, I'm placing that drop of honey or whatever for you to find on the TV remote's power button.
 
2009-10-14 07:32:05 PM
Just throwing this out there: I've never not enjoyed a bite. Anywhere...
 
2009-10-14 07:32:24 PM
I believe the term we used was Indian Sunburn. And I would not approve of such an action on Travolta.
 
2009-10-14 07:32:26 PM
Cosmo is ridiculous and the women who consume it like Bible verse are equally so.

I think a lot of these user-submitted "tips" are poorly worded, though, and not necessarily intended to be as rough or abusive as they sound in this context.

There are men out there who enjoy having a woman stomp on his balls in stiletto heels or put his junk in a vice. Letting these fringe fetishists submit their misguided tips to a hugely circulated rag is all the fault of the braindead editors, however.
 
2009-10-14 07:33:02 PM
BabyDumplings: I had a boyfriend who liked it when I put an ice cube in my mouth before a blowjob. I quite enjoy having my ass bitten and slapped, and hair pulled. Not every time, and in different combinations. Don't be such wimps people! Sex is dirty and fun! That being said, cosmo deserves to be mocked.

you farkettes need pics in your profiles
/I been hit with the ban hammer too many times to post pics in mine
//shiat I can't even link my email addy
 
2009-10-14 07:33:08 PM
FTFA For those of you who never had older brothers, this technique, when applied to the forearm, is called an Indian Rugburn. We're not sure if the politically correct version would be an Indigenous American Rugburn or a Southeast Asian Rugburn,

Since political correctness usually also requires geographical correctness, they're both wrong.

/but the headline is so, so right.
 
2009-10-14 07:33:30 PM
dlewis6: Just throwing this out there: I've never not enjoyed a bite. Anywhere...

I suppose you've never been with a girl with braces then.
 
2009-10-14 07:35:44 PM
Gyro the Greek Sandwich Pirate: jekxrb: "After she's attempted to bite your nutsack, yanked out your pubic hairs and rattled your balls like she's working a craps table, it'll be sweet relief to have the woman merely grab your boner and steer it around while making "BEEP BOOP" video game noises with her mouth."

DO A BARREL ROLL.


img.photobucket.com
 
2009-10-14 07:37:03 PM
e5wsf: Ambrotos: Actually, with enough lube, I can see how the Indian rugburn would feel good.

If by lube you mean warm saliva then yes. It can be quite good. Especially when she's wringing out the last few seconds before lift off. To each his own.


Guys like this for sure. You're not trying to give a real Indian rug burn, just a firm grip and a different sensation from the up and down.

Throw in some tongue action and you're good to go.
 
2009-10-14 07:37:18 PM
What a retarded magazine.
 
2009-10-14 07:37:28 PM
Do any women actually believe the sex tips in cosmo?
 
2009-10-14 07:39:00 PM
i kind of like the cup and jiggle of the ball sack during a blow job.
 
2009-10-14 07:40:06 PM
littlett's: dlewis6: Just throwing this out there: I've never not enjoyed a bite. Anywhere...

I suppose you've never been with a girl with braces then.


gusnyc.com
 
2009-10-14 07:40:07 PM
anniepoonanny: e5wsf: Ambrotos: Actually, with enough lube, I can see how the Indian rugburn would feel good.

If by lube you mean warm saliva then yes. It can be quite good. Especially when she's wringing out the last few seconds before lift off. To each his own.

Guys like this for sure. You're not trying to give a real Indian rug burn, just a firm grip and a different sensation from the up and down.

Throw in some tongue action and you're good to go.


The people in here that don't understand the comedy of the article (taking things and making them sound horrible, just like a girl reading a magazine may think they actually mean, and actually do them too you). You people need to get your laugh filters fixed.
 
2009-10-14 07:40:19 PM
tweekster: Do any women actually believe the sex tips in cosmo?

I don't. There are much better resources out there.
 
2009-10-14 07:41:45 PM
Prosperosstaff: If you expose yourself to too much stimulation you will need more and more and then more extreme types of stimulation until you become so jaded the pleasure is gone.

I've seen that movie:

joeusesamac.files.wordpress.com

PORN DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY!

i37.photobucket.com
 
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