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(Cracked)   7 sex tips critiqued by a virgin   (cracked.com) divider line 453
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71934 clicks; posted to Main » on 14 Oct 2009 at 6:09 PM (5 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2009-10-14 08:16:50 PM  
Fano: loserkid182lr: Wow, the penis indian rugburn is the most horrifying thing i have ever heard in my life.

So Gorgor is now working for Cosmo?


So much win in this thread but I think you win the internets.
 
2009-10-14 08:17:13 PM  
BobNesta420: Sex tips for guys (a la Cosmo-style)

1. Women love it if you chew on their clitoris like it's a piece of gristle. Really go for it guys, chow down.

2. Flick her nipples. Alternate or go for both at the same time. Make sure you get a direct hit. Imagine you're playing paper football, and you're flicking those nipples right through the bedposts. Do it right, and she'll be screaming in ecstasy.

3. You can never use too many fingers. You may be thinking about stopping at one or two, but really, if the vagina can accommodate a baby, then one or two fists is a cakewalk, fellas.


That's an accurate translation.

However, every 10th woman might really enjoy it. I can say from personal experience that some woman loves each one of those. Just be prepared to get kicked out of 9 bedrooms before finding that one - or else, you know, pay attention to what she likes and doesn't like while you tease and experiment, and avoid the things she doesn't like and explore the things she does. I know that's a crazy approach but...

There are plenty of guys who who enjoy rough handling of the nads, or a finger up the wrong way, or a furious wanking, etc. So I've heard.

So do what inspires you - but pay attention to the response.
 
2009-10-14 08:17:30 PM  
blueyd1: littlett's: Yes, sure, use it like a gear shift and make race car noises. That will be a fun activity for you while I wait for the feeling to come back to the lower half of my body."

I would feel like a complete dork if I did that. Doesn't seem very sexy either. :/

Okay, I'll admit I've done this with my husband. We were goofing around in bed, and I got the urge to be a (gentle) racecar driver. When I finished (after 5th gear), we both just stared at each other for a second and then burst out laughing.

/made it up to him right then and there
/still do it sometimes for laughs


I've done it before too.

I've also gotten drunk and made a top hat for it.
 
2009-10-14 08:18:41 PM  
BobNesta420: The pepper thing seems completely insane. Guys at least have a teensy bit of control over their motor functions when they orgasm. But there's no way in hell you can expect any kind of control if you make him sneeze as he's about to blow. So, unless you intend to sprinkle the pepper and then bolt out of the room as quickly as possible, odds are you're going to be violently gored by an erupting penis in a pretty jarring manner.

I'd imagine sneezing, cumming, and ripping a big fart all at the same time.
 
2009-10-14 08:19:38 PM  
anniepoonanny: blueyd1: littlett's: Yes, sure, use it like a gear shift and make race car noises. That will be a fun activity for you while I wait for the feeling to come back to the lower half of my body."

I would feel like a complete dork if I did that. Doesn't seem very sexy either. :/

Okay, I'll admit I've done this with my husband. We were goofing around in bed, and I got the urge to be a (gentle) racecar driver. When I finished (after 5th gear), we both just stared at each other for a second and then burst out laughing.

/made it up to him right then and there
/still do it sometimes for laughs

I've done it before too.

I've also gotten drunk and made a top hat for it.


favorited
 
2009-10-14 08:21:39 PM  
anniepoonanny: blueyd1: littlett's: Yes, sure, use it like a gear shift and make race car noises. That will be a fun activity for you while I wait for the feeling to come back to the lower half of my body."

I would feel like a complete dork if I did that. Doesn't seem very sexy either. :/

Okay, I'll admit I've done this with my husband. We were goofing around in bed, and I got the urge to be a (gentle) racecar driver. When I finished (after 5th gear), we both just stared at each other for a second and then burst out laughing.

/made it up to him right then and there
/still do it sometimes for laughs

I've done it before too.

I've also gotten drunk and made a top hat for it.


Have you ever hung your bathtowel on it when he reacted to you walking out of the shower?
 
2009-10-14 08:32:03 PM  
What bad sex advice may lead to: Link (new window)
 
2009-10-14 08:34:23 PM  
Um... WHAT? These are real?

Some guy out there likes having his balls chewed on?

I think Jeffrey Dahmer just spent way to much time writing into Cosmo.
 
2009-10-14 08:34:46 PM  
littlett's: Yes, sure, use it like a gear shift and make race car noises. That will be a fun activity for you while I wait for the feeling to come back to the lower half of my body."

I would feel like a complete dork if I did that. Doesn't seem very sexy either. :/


How else will you learn how to drive standard?
 
2009-10-14 08:37:37 PM  
Somehow, I don't think getting pepper sprayed in the face quite counts as a causing a "sneez-gasm."
 
2009-10-14 08:40:52 PM  
Doctor Funkenstein: punto: I'm intrigued by the sneezing thing.

It sounds to me like that could result in you shooting the top of your dick off. Just a big sneeze and a mushroom cap bullet across the room.


Just the visuals alone on that are leaving me in hysterical laughter!
/Sorry! Late to the party. I know!
 
2009-10-14 08:42:16 PM  
VictorOfBorge: Somehow, I don't think getting pepper sprayed in the face quite counts as a causing a "sneez-gasm."

And hope she's not chewing on your sack at the same time...
 
2009-10-14 08:44:08 PM  
Let's face it, the problem with sex tips is that no two people like the exact same things. Some girls (or guys) will really get off on rough handling, hair pulling/gripping, etc, and others will kick you out for it.

Communication, people.

/yes, Cosmo is retarded
 
2009-10-14 08:45:04 PM  
Iron Chef Scottish: It really kills the mood when you have to tell your partner to get the f*ck out of your bumhole

It wasn't done right then. That's the real problem.
Erm. So I've been told.
 
2009-10-14 08:49:40 PM  
MikoSquiz: Let's face it, the problem with sex tips is that no two people like the exact same things. Some girls (or guys) will really get off on rough handling, hair pulling/gripping, etc, and others will kick you out for it.

Communication, people.

/yes, Cosmo is retarded



Anyone who has actually ever had sex will say: THIS
 
2009-10-14 08:55:45 PM  
BabyDumplings: I had a boyfriend who liked it when I put an ice cube in my mouth before a blowjob. I quite enjoy having my ass bitten and slapped, and hair pulled. Not every time, and in different combinations. Don't be such wimps people! Sex is dirty and fun! That being said, cosmo deserves to be mocked.

i103.photobucket.com
Try pop rocks some time.
 
2009-10-14 08:55:57 PM  
This reminds me of the time that Major Nelson gave a copy of 1001 Arabian Nights to Genie, and told her to read it and do what it said.

/also, that it's kinda neat Cosmo is publishing Rape Tips For Chicks
 
2009-10-14 08:58:17 PM  
No, No, No, No, No, Maybe, and DO NOT F*CKING WANT
 
2009-10-14 09:01:19 PM  
Miss.UnderstoodRedhead: Iron Chef Scottish: It really kills the mood when you have to tell your partner to get the f*ck out of your bumhole

It wasn't done right then. That's the real problem.
Erm. So I've been told.


I'm only going on what I've been told, also, but the things we've heard about seem to line up.

Just sayin'.
 
2009-10-14 09:02:51 PM  
10 years ago, my then girlfriend heard one of these Cosmo rumors and tried it on me. She slapped my hard on with her bra strap. Yes, this hurt. She hit the circumsized tip with the clasp of her bra. Ever seen a bruse on the tip of your man-tenna??? It's not pleasent and dear god, it hurts during sex.
 
2009-10-14 09:03:52 PM  
AC21365: I personally know 4 out of the 5 furries in the first pic...

FML


I'm not especially anti-furry or anything, but how would you even know that?

/They all just look like bad mascots to me
 
2009-10-14 09:04:47 PM  
blueyd1:
Okay, I'll admit I've done this with my husband. We were goofing around in bed, and I got the urge to be a (gentle) racecar driver. When I finished (after 5th gear), we both just stared at each other for a second and then burst out laughing.

/made it up to him right then and there
/still do it sometimes for laughs


Glad to know it's not just me, then. lol
 
2009-10-14 09:05:34 PM  
And this shiat is always written by a woman who has never really asked her dude if he likes that.
 
2009-10-14 09:06:42 PM  
loserkid182lr: Wow, the penis indian rugburn is the most horrifying thing i have ever heard in my life.

If done gently or with some lube it's pretty awesome. Also good is rubbing between two palms like you're starting a fire. Use some oil or lube though!
 
2009-10-14 09:18:09 PM  
loserkid182lr: Wow, the penis indian rugburn is the most horrifying thing i have ever heard in my life.

Hey guys, let me explain this one to you. You use lube. And you're gentle (you don't twist the skin around). Every guy I've tried this with has liked it. So nyah nyah.
 
2009-10-14 09:22:53 PM  
Cosmo has just about the worst sex advice in the universe. And I thought that BEFORE I read TFA.
 
2009-10-14 09:23:18 PM  
BabyDumplings: I had a boyfriend who liked it when I put an ice cube in my mouth before a blowjob. I quite enjoy having my ass bitten and slapped, and hair pulled. Not every time, and in different combinations. Don't be such wimps people! Sex is dirty and fun! That being said, cosmo deserves to be mocked.

Mmmmmmmmyea, sorry. We're gonna need proof.
 
2009-10-14 09:28:08 PM  
Fano: loserkid182lr: Wow, the penis indian rugburn is the most horrifying thing i have ever heard in my life.

So Gorgor is now working for Cosmo?


I don't even know where to go with this one. Still giggling. +99, would gorgor again.
 
2009-10-14 09:31:07 PM  
We use a large vibrating egg.

/opaque
 
2009-10-14 09:31:56 PM  
ricktwig: BabyDumplings: I had a boyfriend who liked it when I put an ice cube in my mouth before a blowjob. I quite enjoy having my ass bitten and slapped, and hair pulled. Not every time, and in different combinations. Don't be such wimps people! Sex is dirty and fun! That being said, cosmo deserves to be mocked.

Mmmmmmmmyea, sorry. We're gonna need proof.


I believe it. And she's right about cosmo.
 
2009-10-14 09:38:23 PM  
littlett's: /also, I know guys like the idea of a deep throat, but don't try to shove our heads down without us knowing what is going on. We don't care for that.
//I don't care if that is how it is done in porn.


But it's cool if I tell you before I do it?
 
2009-10-14 09:40:36 PM  
The Angry Hand of God: That article reminded me of this:

Want it from behind while you play Super Mario Brothers ? - m4w
Date: 2008-07-02, 2:35PM EDT


I LOVE that one. Personal fave.

Also, glad people nixed the Indian rugburn one. I was going to give it a try (gently!).
 
2009-10-14 09:40:41 PM  
my suggestions:

rope bondage. I can get my soon to be wife to orgasm just by tying her tits with a bondage rope and pulling as tight as I can.

Ass play. Not just men fingering their women's assholes, I also suggest the women play with their men's assholes. Not finger, but massage. I dated an Erotic Massuse several years ago. It's good. If he's into getting his ass fingered, buy a strap on.

Vibrators. 'nuff said.

Porn. Great for ideas.

Legos Robotics kit. Used it with a dildo to build a farking machine.
 
2009-10-14 09:41:33 PM  
ricktwig: BabyDumplings: I had a boyfriend who liked it when I put an ice cube in my mouth before a blowjob. I quite enjoy having my ass bitten and slapped, and hair pulled. Not every time, and in different combinations. Don't be such wimps people! Sex is dirty and fun! That being said, cosmo deserves to be mocked.

Mmmmmmmmyea, sorry. We're gonna need proof.


Like, videos. Lots of videos. With sound. And from different angles, and a good music soundtrack if you can manage it.
 
2009-10-14 09:43:18 PM  
slackux: littlett's: /also, I know guys like the idea of a deep throat, but don't try to shove our heads down without us knowing what is going on. We don't care for that.
//I don't care if that is how it is done in porn.

But it's cool if I tell you before I do it?


Yep. A warning so we can catch a quick breath, please. Other than that, we're good.

/Unless you keep pushing, in which case it's gonna get ugly
 
2009-10-14 09:44:05 PM  
Wow, when the author sneezes, they are obviously doing it wrong...

Sneezes feel good...but yes when sick, they get old real fast.
 
2009-10-14 09:44:36 PM  
Gyrfalcon: ricktwig: BabyDumplings: and a good music soundtrack if you can manage it.

You know that last one is asking way too much. Just put in some horrible indy jazz music and call it a day.
 
2009-10-14 09:45:08 PM  
How many of you farkers will have sore balls tomorrow after trying to tackle the whole list tonight? Good luck trying to explain to your lady that you want you sack bitten while she gives the rest of your junk an indian burn.
 
2009-10-14 09:47:32 PM  
Aidan: slackux: littlett's: /also, I know guys like the idea of a deep throat, but don't try to shove our heads down without us knowing what is going on. We don't care for that.
//I don't care if that is how it is done in porn.

But it's cool if I tell you before I do it?

Yep. A warning so we can catch a quick breath, please. Other than that, we're good.

/Unless you keep pushing, in which case it's gonna get ugly


Very ugly. >:-(
 
2009-10-14 09:48:16 PM  
joepainter: How many of you farkers will have sore balls tomorrow after trying to tackle the whole list tonight? Good luck trying to explain to your lady that you want you sack bitten while she gives the rest of your junk an indian burn.

You incorrectly assume that most of us have ladies. Unless you count Palmela Handerson as a lady.
 
2009-10-14 09:50:58 PM  
Barakku: AC21365: I personally know 4 out of the 5 furries in the first pic...

FML

I'm not especially anti-furry or anything, but how would you even know that?

/They all just look like bad mascots to me


When yer around furries long enough, you can pick'em out of the crowd...
 
2009-10-14 09:51:12 PM  
joepainter: How many of you farkers will have sore balls tomorrow after trying to tackle the whole list tonight? Good luck trying to explain to your lady that you want you sack bitten while she gives the rest of your junk an indian burn.

You do know, a lot of farkers don't have to answer to their Moms.
 
2009-10-14 09:51:32 PM  
Sneezegasm thing aside (that's just farking dumb) all of those are doable to some extent. Just have some common sense about lube and intensity, it's all fun and games.
 
2009-10-14 09:54:03 PM  
"Make two fists around my shaft and twist them in opposite directions as fast you can -- Jamie, 30"

In elementary school that was called a "snake bite" and as I recalled they hurt like a SOB.
 
2009-10-14 09:55:10 PM  
MikoSquiz: Let's face it, the problem with sex tips is that no two people like the exact same things. Some girls (or guys) will really get off on rough handling, hair pulling/gripping, etc, and others will kick you out for it.

Communication, people.


So, so much this.
 
2009-10-14 09:56:39 PM  
sseye: BobNesta420: Sex tips for guys (a la Cosmo-style)

1. Women love it if you chew on their clitoris like it's a piece of gristle. Really go for it guys, chow down.

2. Flick her nipples. Alternate or go for both at the same time. Make sure you get a direct hit. Imagine you're playing paper football, and you're flicking those nipples right through the bedposts. Do it right, and she'll be screaming in ecstasy.

3. You can never use too many fingers. You may be thinking about stopping at one or two, but really, if the vagina can accommodate a baby, then one or two fists is a cakewalk, fellas.

That's an accurate translation.

However, every 10th woman might really enjoy it. I can say from personal experience that some woman loves each one of those. Just be prepared to get kicked out of 9 bedrooms before finding that one - or else, you know, pay attention to what she likes and doesn't like while you tease and experiment, and avoid the things she doesn't like and explore the things she does. I know that's a crazy approach but...

There are plenty of guys who who enjoy rough handling of the nads, or a finger up the wrong way, or a furious wanking, etc. So I've heard.

So do what inspires you - but pay attention to the response.


I think this can be summarized by saying everyone likes something different.

I happen to like certain parts being bitten. And I've known guys who like rougher tugging on their manbits. Nibbling, licking, and sucking the baggage was wanted/appreciated, also.

That being said, if you're in a committed relationship, learning what the other person likes is a bit crucial. Should any of the bits of "advice" being offered in the Cosmo article be whipped out the first time for coitus?

I suppose it depends upon the amount paid to the hooker...

Kidding aside, though, the Indian Burn thing was just farked up. I don't have a peen and I even cringed.
 
2009-10-14 09:56:44 PM  
BTW....Has anyone seen my pepper?
 
2009-10-14 10:00:35 PM  
If there were a male equivalent of Cosmo:

7.
Pump hard enough and deep enough to rupture her uterus. If you're not long enough, get an extension or use a dildo, and make sure to really jam it in there good and hard.

6. Grab her nipples and twist as far as they'll go. Really. They love it.

5.
Gently poke her clitoris with a sharp implement like a pen or needle.

4. Sprinkle the sugary dust from Pixie Stix into her vagina. It tickles!

3.
Grab her labia majora and pull as far as you can in opposite directions. It's Soooo sexy. Really, they're not that gentle.

2. Boobie-fark her for at least 30 minutes. Honestly, all women LOVE having their boobies farked. In fact, they love it more if you hit them in the chin with your penis on every stroke.

1.
When you orgasm during a BJ, make sure to grab the back of her head and force your penis down her throat. Don't worry about the gagging noise she makes- It's just a reflex. She really, really loves the sensation of your seed shooting into her nasal passages.


/That being said, I do actually enjoy a few things on the Cosmo list... But not the pepper. That's just weird.
 
2009-10-14 10:02:32 PM  
Forget all the gimmicky sex stuff. Huge improvements in the bedroom can be made with just a few simple things.

1. Get into it. Not talking about just moaning a little. Full on grab us by the back of the head (or by the ears for men with "love handles" on the sides of our heads like me). Fark your man instead of the man having to be the initiator and doing almost all the work.

2. Leave your baggage at the door to the bedroom. Clear your head and be in the moment instead of warding off your own orgasm by keeping yourself all wrapped up in your head.

3. Don't be afraid to get dirty and slutty with your man. Being a slut is okay when you're a slut with him and him alone.
 
2009-10-14 10:02:54 PM  
ZeroCorpse: If there were a male equivalent of Cosmo:

7. Pump hard enough and deep enough to rupture her uterus. If you're not long enough, get an extension or use a dildo, and make sure to really jam it in there good and hard.

6. Grab her nipples and twist as far as they'll go. Really. They love it.

5. Gently poke her clitoris with a sharp implement like a pen or needle.

4. Sprinkle the sugary dust from Pixie Stix into her vagina. It tickles!

3. Grab her labia majora and pull as far as you can in opposite directions. It's Soooo sexy. Really, they're not that gentle.

2. Boobie-fark her for at least 30 minutes. Honestly, all women LOVE having their boobies farked. In fact, they love it more if you hit them in the chin with your penis on every stroke.

1. When you orgasm during a BJ, make sure to grab the back of her head and force your penis down her throat. Don't worry about the gagging noise she makes- It's just a reflex. She really, really loves the sensation of your seed shooting into her nasal passages.


I think that's called "porn".
 
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