Though losing an arm was traumatic,
He's being too melodramatic.
He still was just fine
To play the back nine,
His putting just got more erratic.

Thursday's attack could have been caused by any number of factors, said Joe Maffo,

Yeah, number one reason: alligators will farking eat you.

How to Avoid Being Eaten by an Alligator
Throw Marshmallows

Most people already know: ALLIGATORS LOVE MARSHMALLOWS! This is why they are drawn to your golf ball when it lands in the water. Make sure to carry plenty of marshmallows in your golf bag. I prefer the Jet Puffed brand because they are easy to throw, but any kind will work. (see figure 1, below)

Fig. 1: Show no fear. You have marshmallows.

Before getting too close to the edge of the bank, begin throwing marshmallows into the part of the lake as far from your golf ball as possible. If you are playing with a partner, make sure to work together. Have your partner throw marshmallows while you look for your lost golf ball.

Important Note: Do not try this on a crocodile. Crocodiles are immune to the lure of sugary treats.
Hold Mouth Closed

Alligators bite with force of 1200 lbs. per square inch, but they are very weak when it comes to opening their mouths. If an alligator attacks you while you are reaching into the water, simply wrestle him on to the shore, jab him in the eyes with whatever you can get your hands on, e.g. a green tool, a beer can, your nine iron, your thumb, etc.

When he releases his bite, immediately remove any articles of clothing, or appendages from his mouth and then try to maneuver yourself onto the alligator's back.

Important Note: If you are working with a partner, make sure your partner DOES NOT begin throwing marshmallows into the center of the lake while you are on top of the alligator.

It's all in the hips! It's all in the hips!

Get off me!

Just easing the tension, baby. Just easing the tension!

Well, ease it on someone else!

Hey! That kangaroo stole my ball!

blockbustarhymes: I'm playing for Chubbs!

No, I'M playing for Chubbs!

If your ball goes in an alligator-infested pond, let it go, man, cause it's gone.