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Drew does an early review of Swine Flu Epidemic 2: Panic Boogaloo. Also, some of Fark's favorite headlines from last week 
Posted by Drew at 2009-10-05 1:52:44 PM (62 comments) | Permalink
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5674 clicks; posted to Main » on 05 Oct 2009 at 2:02 PM (4 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



Now that we're in October, expect a plethora of stories about swine flu, regular flu, some new flu strain that they're just discovering too late, flu shots, inhalers, autism, shot effectiveness, shot ineffectiveness and about a hundred other angles that the media will find. The MSM Panic Patrol has its antennae up right now waiting to unleash a barrage of stories on it, and by the end of the month and through November, expect them to be at full pants-shiatting Defcon 1.

You can expect lots of good information, which will naturally be buried under an avalanche of talking-head hypothesizing, complete with state-by-state Swine Flu Death Counts. On the upside, sooner or later someone will talk about The Stand by Stephen King. So there's that.

If you want to get on television during this period, make sure to wear a surgical mask in public. The public will be wearing them sooner or later, anyway, so you might as well get a bit of face-time. Or half-face-time, as the case may be. For some real fun this flu season, wait until the media is at the full bed-wetting mania stage, and then get a cup of tap water, sneak up behind a co-worker and flick some of the water off your fingers onto their neck while pretending to sneeze. Just kidding, don't do that because then they will kill. you. dead.

This week's Fark Betting Line has the swine flu in the top spot, with a few other likely (and some unlikely, but possible) stories sprinkled in for good measure. As always, feel free to add your own upcoming stories with the appropriate odds:

- Swine flu information stories begin flooding in, mostly talking about preparations, precautions, and a few hypothetical mass-closure situations (2:1)

- Stories include dread-inducing comment by anonymous CDC official (6:1)

- Stories mention body bags (12:1)

- Dumb criminal of the year award nominee story comes out of Florida (3:1)

- Wheel of Ridiculous Sports Injuries lands on...Boston (23:1)

- Alcohol + Darwin award (3:1)

- Conspiracy theorists tie to swine flu to:

- the Government (2:1)

- Sammy B'laden and the Alley Qaedas (3:1)

- Iran (6:1)

- Madagascar (29:1)


Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-09-27 to Sat 2009-10-03:

img1.fark.net  121 children hospitalized with lead poisoning in China live near battery plant. Doctors report half positive, half negative, one discharged    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Turks mourn loss of Ottoman, put their feet down and consider pulling the coffee table closer    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Hawking says asteroids are biggest threat. Everybody scoot    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  The U.S. Navy is considering letting women serve on submarines. Presumably sandwiches    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Having never been to Fark, the EPA had no idea aging caulk in schools was a problem    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  While people routinely get screwed during their divorce, rarely is the rogering so complete that the judge feels compelled to masturbate during the proceedings    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  UN declares the Tango part of the Cultural Heritage of Humanity. However, the Lambada is still FORBIDDEN    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  The recession is taking a bigger toll on singles, mainly because married couples are already used to despair, hopelessness, and throwing all their money down a snotty, crying drain    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Masturbation epidemic explodes all over Syria    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Fruit truck overturns in New Jersey. Traffic jams    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Man arrested for masturbating in Bed, Bath and Beyond parking lot, charged with indecent exposure, taking store name too seriously    img.fark.net


Sports:

img1.fark.net  Washington bails out Detroit once again    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Former Yankee Chuck Knoblauch charged with throwing punch at wife. If she'd have been closer to first base, she'd have never been hit    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  The mysterious white powder that the Washington Redskins have been staying away from.....turned out to be the goal line    img.fark.net


Geek:

img1.fark.net  Australian scientists discover 850 previously unknown species living in subterranean caves and micro-caverns, most of which are blind, pale and play World of Warcraft for up to 20 hours/day    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Stephen Hawking steps down as Lucasian professor at Cambridge, sort of    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Scientists create hydrogen and batteries from pee. Urine charge now    img.fark.net


Showbiz:

img1.fark.net  To honor her brother, Janet Jackson will wear black for a year. If she really wanted to honor him, she would slowly fade it to white    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Wendy Williams gets a talk show. First guest will reportedly drive a school bus through a wall of TVs while she rides on top    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Ramones biopic possibly on the way. The movie will be badly lit, badly edited, plot will barely hold together and dialogues will seem written by a 12-year-old, yet it will somehow hold together brilliantly    img.fark.net


Politics:

img1.fark.net  Sarah Palin's memoir "Going Rogue" out November 17th, hopefully followed by the sequel "Going Away"    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Hillary Clinton thrilled to be president of the UN Security Council, says she may blow an intern just for the hell of it    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Glenn Beck has identified the cause of all that is wrong with America: The fact that the US Mint has stopped putting "In God We Trust" on our money. Sure, it's a complete falsehood, but the crazy boat ain't gonna sail itself    img.fark.net


Music:

img1.fark.net  Lucy in the sky has died, man    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Fred Durst's wife leaves him after finally listening to a Limp Bizkit album    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Lady Gaga pulls out of Kanye West, tour    img.fark.net


Business:

img1.fark.net  Civil servants found to miss more work, do less work than any other employee whose status is not 'clinically dead'    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  State Farm ranks West Virginians as most likely to hit a deer, cousin    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Canada's stalled economy 'a shocker', Two with a "Pink Slip", One on the Brink    img.fark.net
· · ·
(view entire blog)


62 Comments   (+0 »)
   

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2009-10-05 02:05:15 PM
I'll take the conspiracy nut line, easy.
 
2009-10-05 02:05:52 PM
We all know President Madagascar would never allow a thing like that to happen.
 
2009-10-05 02:06:12 PM
What's with all the masturbation headlines, all of a sudden?
 
2009-10-05 02:06:16 PM
There seems to be an unusually high number of masturbation themed headlines this week.
 
2009-10-05 02:07:10 PM
I blame big pharma.
 
2009-10-05 02:07:11 PM
DeadZone Quote 2009-10-05 02:06:12 PM
What's with all the masturbation headlines, all of a sudden?


Herb_the_betta Quote 2009-10-05 02:06:16 PM
There seems to be an unusually high number of masturbation themed headlines this week.


I fapped to this near simulpost.
 
2009-10-05 02:07:53 PM
- Wheel of Ridiculous Sports Injuries lands on...Boston (23:1)

Arizona.

Don't you know about the Madden Curse.
 
2009-10-05 02:07:59 PM
The answer to everything is two words. Don't Panic.
 
2009-10-05 02:08:50 PM
Aging caulk FTW
 
2009-10-05 02:10:22 PM
DeadZone: What's with all the masturbation headlines, all of a sudden?

I blame gorgor.
 
2009-10-05 02:10:30 PM
I got my first green last week.
 
2009-10-05 02:10:41 PM
You can't predict a ridiculous sports injury on Boston. That's so last year. Now take it back!
 
2009-10-05 02:11:12 PM
Heh. I got one.
 
2009-10-05 02:11:21 PM
Thisbymaster: The answer to everything is two words. Don't Panic Bourbon, neat.

FTFY.
 
2009-10-05 02:11:39 PM
*squeals* I made the blog!
 
2009-10-05 02:11:50 PM
I've decided to sneeze into my taint as opposed to my elbow - just for extra safety.
 
2009-10-05 02:12:10 PM
Farkin'round: DeadZone: What's with all the masturbation headlines, all of a sudden?

I blame gorgor.


I blame him for everything. My wife will ask me why something in the house is broken, I say "Gorgor did it"
 
2009-10-05 02:12:23 PM
If I could sneeze into my taint, I'd never leave the house.
 
2009-10-05 02:13:09 PM
I like the lady gaga one
 
2009-10-05 02:13:26 PM
On the upside, sooner or later someone will talk about The Stand by Stephen King. So there's that.

I am NOT walking to Boulder.
 
2009-10-05 02:13:35 PM
dstanley: *squeals* I made the blog!

Me too. Finally validation that I am funny.
 
2009-10-05 02:14:46 PM
She comes in colors everywhere: On the upside, sooner or later someone will talk about The Stand by Stephen King. So there's that.

I am NOT walking to Boulder.


Obviously. One does not just WALK into Boulder.
 
2009-10-05 02:14:54 PM
how about "Fark political thread with 500+ comments but 0 legitimate discussions" 2:1
 
2009-10-05 02:15:32 PM
ya but..... Baby, can you dig your man?
 
2009-10-05 02:16:09 PM
Nana's Vibrator: how about "Fark political thread with 500+ comments but 0 legitimate discussions" 2:1

That's clearly a 1:1, so no use in setting the line.
 
2009-10-05 02:17:04 PM
A green and HOTW nom.

I'm kind of a big deal around here.
 
2009-10-05 02:20:38 PM
I_C_Weener: Heh. I got one.

FINALLY

now can we shutup about your submissions PLZKTHNX♥
 
2009-10-05 02:20:51 PM
DeadZone: What's with all the masturbation headlines, all of a sudden?

You gotta go with what you know, man.
 
2009-10-05 02:21:12 PM
The_Six_Fingered_Man: She comes in colors everywhere: On the upside, sooner or later someone will talk about The Stand by Stephen King. So there's that.

I am NOT walking to Boulder.

Obviously. One does not just WALK into Boulder.


Yeah, they totally do.
 
2009-10-05 02:24:50 PM
Nana's Vibrator: how about "Fark political thread with 500+ comments but 0 legitimate discussions" 2:1

That's a given.
 
2009-10-05 02:26:19 PM
"Lady Gaga pulls out of Kanye West, tour"

Nicely done...
 
2009-10-05 02:26:41 PM
Bacon found to improve taste of beer: OH GOD YES
 
2009-10-05 02:30:08 PM
masturbation trifecta complete.
 
2009-10-05 02:30:43 PM
dstanley
Bacon found to improve taste of beer: OH GOD YES

Sounds like someone needs a tissue...
 
2009-10-05 02:34:17 PM
at80eighty: I_C_Weener: Heh. I got one.

FINALLY

now can we shutup about your submissions PLZKTHNX♥


No. Did you know I was named most likely to get a green in a submission bad mouthing the Mods? Huh?
 
2009-10-05 02:42:13 PM
I predict that when I'm 80, swine flu will be called Porky's Revenge in all history books
 
2009-10-05 02:43:48 PM
Sooner or later on The Stand/King thing for Swine Flu?

Drew, Drew, Drew...I have been doing that since day one.

Oh, MSM? Yeah, they are slacking.
 
2009-10-05 02:44:49 PM
I_C_Weener: No. Did you know I was named most likely to get a green in a submission bad mouthing the Mods? Huh?

braggart
 
2009-10-05 02:49:43 PM
My first and probably only HOTW entry. Top vote getter for the week too (Washington bails out Detroit once again). Now time for me to slip back into the land of redlights.
 
2009-10-05 02:51:09 PM
If we're hoping for King's stuff to come true, can't we get a chick to off an entire high school with her telekinetic powers? Or vampires? (scary ones, not the ones that know karate and not the ones that are pale and always look stoned)
 
2009-10-05 02:52:36 PM
I think Drew is exaggerating a bit the 'swine flu' thing, but I'm from the southern hemisphere, the BETTER hemisphere, so I may be wrong.
 
2009-10-05 03:00:59 PM
Every strain of influenza is avian in origin.

Just putting that one out there for people to think about.
 
2009-10-05 03:01:51 PM
global wombats: I think Drew is exaggerating a bit the 'swine flu' thing, but I'm from the southern hemisphere, the BETTER hemisphere, so I may be wrong.

Geez, give you southern hemispherers one Olympics and you think you're all first world countries with running water, electricity and Olive Gardens.
 
2009-10-05 03:05:59 PM
M-O-O-N, that spells Swine Flu
 
2009-10-05 03:06:24 PM
cwolf20: I predict that when I'm 80, swine flu will be called Porky's Revenge in all history books

And the Charleston will be renamed the "MooseBayou"

Hmpf.
 
2009-10-05 03:27:41 PM
Why is there suddenly a crow at my window?
 
2009-10-05 03:31:04 PM
The_Six_Fingered_Man: She comes in colors everywhere: On the upside, sooner or later someone will talk about The Stand by Stephen King. So there's that.

I am NOT walking to Boulder.

Obviously. One does not just WALK into Boulder.


Dammit, I nearly got caught reading Fark at work because of this. :P
 
2009-10-05 03:32:36 PM
And to think, I still write for AOL. We never report any of this cool stuff. (Except when I occasionally snag a link from here


/Never begin a sentence with and.
//Okay, I'll go away now.

///Psych
 
2009-10-05 03:36:25 PM
The conspiracy nutbag at my workplace has already told anyone who can't escape first that the drug companies manufactured the swine flu virus so they could manufacture a vaccine for it.

Why is the media keeping this vital information from us?
 
2009-10-05 03:38:47 PM
Thanks Drew, for including one of my green-lit headlines in this week's list.

Which was the only headline I got a green-light for this week too. :-(
 
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