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(Reuters)   Jesus gave St. Peter keys to kingdom of heaven, Vatican loses them   (reuters.co.uk) divider line 261
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14875 clicks; posted to Main » on 13 Mar 2003 at 10:26 PM (11 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2003-03-13 11:32:53 PM  
03-13-03 11:11:03 PM Andonbray
Jesus gave me a good price on roofing my house.

Actually after a massive downburst that took half of our shingles off due faulty nails, we got the whole thing redone and it was covered by insurance. So Jesus got us a very good price on my roofing.
 
2003-03-13 11:33:16 PM  
I am the Gatekeeper. Are you the Keymaster?
 
2003-03-13 11:40:20 PM  
"Jesus gave St. Peter keys to kingdom of heaven"
Sez who?


Would you like to swing on a star
Carry moonbeams home in a jar . .

Damn it, Unhinged! I'll get you for this!
 
2003-03-13 11:44:44 PM  
Whip these bad boys out over a few beers and who wouldn't be impressed!!

What, they didn't make a second copy?
 
2003-03-13 11:46:46 PM  
Who sez the gates to heaven are locked? Maybe St. Peter left them open when he went on a walk.
 
2003-03-13 11:47:31 PM  
I blame teenagers. Yea, must be those hoodlums up to shennigans again!

/shakes cane in air
 
2003-03-13 11:47:49 PM  
I can just see the Pope patting himself down looking for the keys.....

They are probably in the couch. Thats where I always lose mine.
 
2003-03-13 11:49:12 PM  
Were the keys to the Popemobile on the ring?
 
2003-03-13 11:50:44 PM  
Okay, want an anti-Catholicism post?

Vatican never had the keys to heaven. At best they try unsuccessfully to pick the lock!

/Protestant
 
2003-03-13 11:54:10 PM  
*PHEW!* After a quick inventory, I realized that I still have the keys to Hell safely tucked away in my underware drawer.
 
2003-03-14 12:00:09 AM  
Man, imagine the line on the stairway.

I bet they still keep the keys to Purgatory though. Next thing you know they'll come out with an advertising slogan saying "Purgatory, it's not Heaven but it sure beats Hell!"
 
2003-03-14 12:05:07 AM  
Alexandra:
Does your husband know you're flirting with men on FARK?
 
2003-03-14 12:11:24 AM  
I guess I'm a little late for the St. Anthony jokes.
 
2003-03-14 12:13:48 AM  
ah yes, chalk another to the case for atheism. i love it.
 
2003-03-14 12:17:30 AM  
I guess I should pray more to St.Vitus.
 
2003-03-14 12:29:12 AM  
"When it comes to bullshiat, big-time, major league bullshiat, you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims, religion. No contest. No contest. Religion. Religion easily has the greatest bullshiat story ever told. Think about it. Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time!

But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't handle money! Religion takes in billions of dollars, they pay no taxes, and they always need a little more. Now, you talk about a good bullshiat story. Holy shiat!"
 
2003-03-14 12:31:17 AM  
Oh yeah, and the whole thing about, "Well first there was nothing, the BANG!! A whole lotta crap!!"

That's so much more believable.
 
2003-03-14 12:32:16 AM  
that should read... then BANG!!

stupid mittens.
 
2003-03-14 12:32:57 AM  
shouldn't try to type with boxing gloves on your hands...
 
2003-03-14 12:34:24 AM  
I know that imitation is flattery, but if I went that far, SB would likely come and kick my ass into the river.
 
2003-03-14 12:36:14 AM  
What's wrong with you people here?!?

The Elizabeth Smart comment section is full of Bush-bashing.

The Christopher Reeve comment section is full of Bush-bashing.

Don't you realize that this link is about politics?!?

/sarcasm
 
2003-03-14 12:37:17 AM  
Nice one George Carlin
 
2003-03-14 12:38:26 AM  
UPDATE: Field reporters Jim Steinman and Andrew Lloyd Webber have just filed this breaking news about the location of the keys: (Audio version of the report in mp3 format available here.)

The keys to the Vaults of Heaven
May be buried somewhere in a prayer
The keys to the Vaults of Heaven
May be heavy or lighter than air

Open up the Vaults, open up the Vaults
We've got to find the keys
The nights have been growing darker
Even darker now than sin
We'll open the Vaults of Heaven
The treasures are there within

The keys to the Vaults of Heaven
May be seen in a pure child's eyes
The keys to the Vaults of Heaven
May be heard in our desperate cries

Open up the Vaults, open up the Vaults
We've got to find the keys
The nights have been growing darker
Even darker now than sin (darker than sin)
We'll open the Vaults of Heaven (heaven)
The glories are there within

The keys to the Vaults of Heaven (heaven)
May be buried somewhere in a prayer (somewhere in a prayer)
The keys to the Vaults of Heaven (heaven)
May be heavy or lighter than air (hey)

We've got to find the keys, we've got to find the keys
(we got to find the keys, we got to find the keys)
To open up the vaults (the vaults of heaven)
The nights have been growing darker (growing darker)
It's so much darker now than sin (darker than sin)
We'll open the vaults of heaven, the answers are there, within

(we've got to find the keys, we've got to find the keys)
To open up the vaults (ooh, yeah, open up)
The nights have been growing darker (growing darker)
It's so much darker now than sin (darker than sin)
We'll open the vaults of heaven, the answers are there, within...........
 
2003-03-14 12:38:33 AM  
I'd like to stay and poke holes in the ridiculous little notions you've got cooked up, but I'm gonna go watch "The Ring." Ta Ta.
 
2003-03-14 12:39:43 AM  
Dr.Fey: What's wrong with you people here?!?

The Elizabeth Smart comment section is full of Bush-bashing.

The Christopher Reeve comment section is full of Bush-bashing.

Don't you realize that this link is about politics?!?


No, no, no! It's about religion!
 
2003-03-14 12:39:46 AM  
If that was George Carlin, then I guess I owe him props. Musta been why my brain filed that one away.
 
2003-03-14 12:40:03 AM  
Look under the cushions of the chesterfield. They're always there.
 
2003-03-14 12:42:42 AM  
Mattamox:
Your grasp of the "Big Bang" is wanting. Science is based on observation and and reason. Religion is based on bullshiat.
 
2003-03-14 12:42:42 AM  
"the chesterfield"

You are really, really old.
Aren't you, Ghas?
 
2003-03-14 12:42:44 AM  
first there was nothing, then BANG!! A whole lotta crap!!"

More accurately it would be "BANG!! A whole lotta crap!!"

Because before bang, there was no time, and without time there can be no before, so there was no before bang.
 
2003-03-14 12:44:41 AM  
I must differ.

Science is based on inspection.
Theology is based on introspection.

Just because you neither understand nor appreciate something does not make it "bullshat."
 
2003-03-14 12:45:20 AM  
Mattamox: Oh yeah, and the whole thing about, "Well first there was nothing, the BANG!! A whole lotta crap!!"

That's so much more believable


It's a good thing that the so-called "Big Bang Theory" hasn't been the dominant theory of the origin of the universe for some time now. If the religious were to ever discover that, their whole arsenal of Big Bang stuff would be useless.

If the objection is to the concept of "first there was nothing, then BANG!! A whole lotta crap" is unbelievable, then why the belief in "first there was nothing, then there was this guy with magical powers"?
 
2003-03-14 12:47:24 AM  
 
2003-03-14 12:48:12 AM  
Nanookanano: Just because you neither understand nor appreciate something does not make it "bullshat."

Correct. Theology is bullshiat for totally different reasons than that.
 
2003-03-14 12:48:16 AM  
American Heritage Dictionary Regional Note: Chesterfield, a term for a sofa, especially a large one with upholstered arms, was probably brought down from Canada, where it is common. In the United States, it was largely limited to the trade region of San Francisco in northern California. According to Craig M. Carver in American Regional Dialects, the word probably comes from the name of a 19th-century earl of Chesterfield and originally referred "specifically to a couch with upright armrests at either end." It appears to have come into use in Canada around 1903 and in northern California at about the same time.

Ghastly isn't old, he's from Canada. Now, had he said davenport...
 
2003-03-14 12:49:58 AM  
Theology is a useful form of meditation for the purpose of personal reconstruction.

Religion is bullshiat.
 
2003-03-14 12:51:05 AM  
Yeah, didn't notice the quotes? hey Ghastly, How's the weather in Hamilton? (if I remember correctly)
 
2003-03-14 12:51:59 AM  
Right. A davenport with antimadagascars on it.
 
2003-03-14 12:52:51 AM  
No, wait. We found them.
 
2003-03-14 12:52:55 AM  
Science is based on inspection.
Theology is based on introspection.


I agree. Introspection is to inspection as masturbation is to intercourse.

So while you're hammering away with your invisible friend, we're out sampling the real thing.
 
2003-03-14 12:53:11 AM  
Oh, great, Wastepaper Jetpack. You just gave both the location of the keys AND the real surprise of Pulp Fiction away in one post.

I hope you're happy with yourself. Sheesh!
 
2003-03-14 12:55:20 AM  
Fr._Peter_Fitznuggly: Introspection is to inspection as masturbation is to intercourse.

So while you're hammering away with your invisible friend, we're out sampling the real thing.


Comedic Gold!!! That one's going in the file!
 
2003-03-14 12:55:49 AM  
Well, I had linked in a kickass image on that last post, let's try it again:
 
2003-03-14 12:56:34 AM  
Oh fark it, here's a link to the pic:

We found the farking keys already!
 
2003-03-14 12:57:16 AM  
You can not fully appreciate the real thing if you are but a hollow man. That "invisible man" you keep talking about is one of the oldest, most useful, most beneficial theological contemplations ever conceived. That's why almost all cultures know the concept of the All Seeing Eye. I'm sorry it's lost on you.

Do continue flinging excrement at what scares you.
 
2003-03-14 12:57:25 AM  
Not my farking day today. I'm going to bed.

http://www.join2day.com/abc/P/perugino/perugino6.JPG
 
2003-03-14 12:59:10 AM  
I believe in Occam's razor myself Nanookanano. Which is simpler?
 
2003-03-14 12:59:15 AM  
come to me and flame...

"More accurately it would be "BANG!! A whole lotta crap!!"
Because before bang, there was no time, and without time there can be no before, so there was no before bang."

Bang! ---> lotta crap.

What happens when we go as earliest as we can in the bang.
What is it that went bang? If that is the case, if something went bang, then that something is before the bang:

Something ---> Bang! ---> lotta crap

If it was nothing that went bang, well, nothing still is something. There can't really be nothing, so as long as we're here to conceptualize a "nothing". A "nothing" is "something" because it is being thought of. So as long as we're thinking of nothing, we're really thinking of something. If you really want to think of nothing, don't think about it, but the minute "nothing" is brought up to debate or argue about something, it becomes "something".

Hey! It's a little big bang in our heads!
 
2003-03-14 01:01:41 AM  
 
2003-03-14 01:03:16 AM  
You believe in a tool?!

I useOccam's Razor, myself.

I'm not discounting Science. That would be stupid.
I'm claiming that both are needed.
 
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