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Drew sets the Fark Betting Line for this week and announces Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week 9/6 - 9/12
Posted by Drew at 2009-09-14 2:18:46 PM (29 comments) | Permalink
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Greetings from Lexington. Now that the NFL season has started, it is fall, even though it won't be officially called that for another week. But in America, Farmer John's Almanac doesn't decide when fall starts, Roger Goodell does, and the first weekend of NFL means finish your harvests already.
Media is embracing football season because it finally gives them something to talk about other than healthcare, and with so little else happening, the 24-hour news cycle has talked it completely to death, revived it, then talked it to death again. It won't go away until after the vote, so you can expect more discussion, more protests, more analysis, more expert opinion, and even more marginal stories to be squeezed out of this dry bone.
Now that the weather is starting to cool, people are thinking about the flu. Specifically, swine flu. More specifically, everybody on Earth dying from a major pandemic that results in something that Hollywood could make a movie about, sort of like The Day After Tomorrow but with less flooding and more vomiting. Only it's just not true.
This week we're setting the Fark Betting Line with some stories we expect to hear and the odds they'll be in the news between now and Sunday. Pony up to the window and place your bets:
- United States backs down from the trade war with China with a little perfunctory barking and some territory marking (5:1)
- Story from Florida involving beer, nudity, a high-speed chase and buttocks taserin' (2:1)
- More "stories from the front lines" of the healthcare debate, now coming from hospital emergency rooms (4:1)
- Both sides of the debate find victory from imperceptibly minor differences in the same interview (1:1)
- Poorly tattooed Asian Myspace dwarf-slut Tila Tequila announces new reality television show (6:1)
- Now that the 9/11 anniversary has passed, media starts wondering again where the heck that Bin Laden fella is hiding (4:1)
- Cubs win four straight, look to steal wild card spot before sinking below the waves (9:1)
- Lady Gaga breaking news press release mentions her sexuality or her genitalia (3:2)
- First NFL drunk driving arrest of the season (8:1)
- Scientists discover that beer wards off swine flu (247:1)
Also, thanks to those of you who sent well wishes on my new baby girl Sierra Elizabeth. The person who deserves all the credit is my wife, who frankly did all the heavy lifting, baby-wise. I put up a posting about her here for anybody who is interested.
Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-09-06 to Sat 2009-09-12:
Feet are washing ashore at Cockey Creek in Maryland. And you don't want to know what's washing up at Footy Beach
Great White terrorizes New England for second time this decade
Today is International Litericy Day
New Hampshire man guilty of beating his ex with a flip-flop. Has he no sole?
Humorist Garrison Keillor hospitalized following minor stroke; fans hope his woe be gone soon
Santa Claus coming early this year. In a 13-year old boy
State Department releases lists of countries that use child labor, so the discerning consumer will know what labels to look for when they want the tight stitching and attention to detail that only those tiny little hands and eyes can provide
Man who starred in anti-drug commercial busted for having sophisticated pot growing operation. Those that live in grass houses shouldn't get stoned
Web-based petition urges Gordon Brown to apologize for Britain's treatment of Alan Turing; Brown issues apology after finding online petition indistinguishable from real one
Jealous husband who killed his wife after she changed her facebook status is sentenced to a lifetime of being poked
Celebrating legalized gay marriage in Vermont, Ben & Jerry's creates new ice cream. Curiously, it does not have twice the nuts
Cubs tie MLB record with eight consecutive hits in the first inning. Other teams that have accomplished this feat are the Yankees, Athletics, Pirates, Phillies, and Chris Brown
Ancient Mongolian competition ties past to present, and features what may be the absolute gayest sports uniforms ever created in the history of mankind, with the possible exception of the 1980's Houston Astros
South Africa beats New Zealand to win Tri-Nations Cup rugby championship. For you American fans, rugby is what football could be if it were interesting
Adding plants to classrooms found to increase satisfaction among university students while giving liberal arts majors an intellectual equal to talk to
Scientists discover how to make mice levitate. Are you pondering what I'm pondering?
Just-released images from the recently refurbished hubble. So real, it's like actually being in the universe
Kathy Griffin says she was an unattractive, talentless magnet for gay guys back in high school. Good thing that changed
David Hasselhoff to perform at Berlin wall anniversary. East Germans consider rebuilding the wall
Former ABC anchor Carole Simpson says legitimate TV news is dying. We'll have more on this story after a Jon and Kate Plus 8 update, and it looks like Britney and Li-Lo are at it again
"Muslim women fight for right to pants, beer" They do realize that by gaining access to the second, they'll probably end up without the first again?
Mark Foley turns over a new page in his life, becomes a talk radio host
NY state legislature deadlocked on whether ethics bill should allow them to be thieving whores or conniving scum
Chris Brown to perform at Michael Jackson tribute concert. Presumably the organizers wanted someone who'd help us remember a popular singer with a badly misshapen face
Spandau Ballet's Gary Kemp says that Simon Cowell is ruining the music industry with American Idol and The X-Factor. Kemp then stopped his rant and asked if the table wanted to start with an appetizer
Daft Punk to bring beats, disguises and set designs to upcoming DJ Hero, for people who thought Guitar Hero required honing too many skills
DoctoRs in brItaiN want cracKdown on alcohol marketinG, including mUsIc spoNsorship aNd advErtiSing at Sports
Morgan Stanley CEO steps down from his post to focus on packaging and bundling his kid's lemonade stand into collateralized debt obligations
Porn, which should be essential to pumping up our flaccid economy, seeing profits plunge as tight-fisted consumers gag on swollen prices for everything else. Boobs
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