Normally, I use this space to sort out the media trends in play, but last week during Keith Olbermann's Worst Person in the World segment, he called out "internet nerds" for starting a false internet rumor about Glenn Beck. Since it seemed to be aimed in Fark's general direction, I feel compelled to respond.

Mr. Olbermann, I am outraged. OUTRAGED, I tell you. *shakes fist*

It really is a dark day in American Politics when "internet nerds," as you call them, cannot simply make baseless, horrific allegations from thin air and then question the accused to respond. Although it appears to be standard operating procedure from some television people who happen to work for Fox and whose initials are G.B. and whose names might rhyme with "hen peck," it is perhaps a bit much for the internet community at large.

Oh sure, it's easy to throw lightning bolts from your Ivory Tower down upon our plebian hordes for something as benign as smearing the reputation of an esteemed colleague (even if he is a complete and utter dickwad) with the same techniques he uses on a regular basis to sway the opinions of people who apparently lack the critical thinking skills of carrots.

However, your response does merit consideration. In the light of the criticism, we'll take your advice and try to not propagate unsubstantiated rumors about huge, flaming dickwads like Glenn Beck and will instead focus on making fun of Glenn Beck for his ridiculous, real-life antics. Point taken.

Also, I still regret that we weren't able to make the number one slot, because yet again that went to Richard Lieberstein, president of your co-op board. We shot for #1, but we do know that Miss Precious Perfect is a hard act to follow.


Note, this response is satirical in nature. We do not mean to infer that Mr. Beck is actually a dickwad, huge dickwad, huge flaming dickwad, or unbelievably crass and ridiculous dickwad, even though everyone thinks he is.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-08-30 to Sat 2009-09-05:

  Proving that a vegetarian lifestyle doesn't always work, Terry Schiavo's father dies of heart failure    

  Fire officials in SoCal wildfires: "GTFO." Residents: "STFU." Fire: "NOM NOM NOM." Residents: "OMG." Fire department: "DIAF"    

  Best-selling bible to be edited and re-released, will feature deleted commandments, digitally enhanced plagues, and Han casts the first stone    

  The Vatican issues a prayer for Catholics to say before sex. Apparently shouting, "Oh God" at the end of sex isn't enough    

  Woman blows a .31 on the Breathalyzer. Also, up her car    

  70 years ago today, World War II began. Unless, of course, you're American - in which case you might want to green light this in two year's time (once you've decided who's likely to win)    

  Ali Bongo drums up enough support to snare election victory, thanks his electoral bass for helping him ride to this cymbalic win    

  "Deputies: Woman Beats Mother With Candlestick." Was it in the library or the conservatory? No clue    

  Woman slams into tractor trailer while driving and eating. She sounds flat    

  Washington State park closed due to Cougar sighting. Officials plan to put up end-zone goalposts to get rid of it    

  Ice cream factory burns down, firefighters expect to finally extinguish flames by sundae    


Sports:

  Thai fighter retains WBC boxing title, is then mercilessly pursued by X-Wing, Y-Wing, and Millennium Falcon    

  Daunte Culpepper sacked by living room carpet. Ladies and gentlemen, your 2009 Detroit Lions    

  17 year old toples Maria Sharapova    


Geek:

  Andromeda galaxy growing by eating other nearby galaxies. Here comes the astronom-nom-nom-nomy    

  Men with high IQ's have the healthiest sperm. Here come the scientists    

  Researchers use YouTube to study brain injuries. Presumably by reading the user comments    


Showbiz:

  Madonna and Jesus visit the holy land. This is not a repeat from 31    

  Keanu Reeves agrees to take DNA test to prove he's not The One    

  Whitney Houston's normally CRYSTALline voice goes to POT, CRACKs during performance, fueling speculation that she needs a new training METHod. No word on why it happened    


Politics:

  R. Lee Ermey tells Birthers he's gonna give them three seconds, exactly three farking seconds, to square their stupid asses away and start shiatting him Tiffany cufflinks or he will gouge out their eyeballs and skull-fark them    

  Palin joins forces with Glenn Beck. It's like Voltron, but retarded    

  Obama spokesman criticizes furor over back-to-school speech, apparently failing to realize that you automatically lose an argument if you defend your position by criticizing the furor    


Music:

  Brandon Flowers urges Oasis to reunite. World urges Brandon Flowers to shut the fark up    

  Michael Jackson is finally being buried 70 days after his death, proving how well our current plastic products can withstand the elements    

  Chris Brown recorded a song called "Changed Man" as an apology to Rihanna. It will be released on his next album, and is expected to be another big hit. Or maybe a succession of little hits    


Business:

  Pfizer to pay $2.3 billion fine after pulling a major boner    

  Gold surges toward the $1,000-an-ounce mark. Au sh*t    

  Microsoft granted stay allowing it to keep selling Word while it appeals decision in favor of patent troll, thereby preventing dangerous shortages of Comic Sans-formatted memos in offices everywhere    
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