Do you have adblock enabled?
If you can read this, either the style sheet didn't load or you have an older browser that doesn't support style sheets. Try clearing your browser cache and refreshing the page.

(Some Guy)   How to Piss Off a Pregnant Woman. Oddly "Mere Existence" doesn't make the list   (heartlessdoll.com) divider line 265
    More: Amusing  
•       •       •

21120 clicks; posted to Main » on 21 Aug 2009 at 12:40 PM (6 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



265 Comments   (+0 »)
   

Archived thread

First | « | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | » | Last | Show all
 
2009-08-21 10:52:50 AM  
yeah the caffeine thing irked me. so did the sushi, shell fish and hair dye.
 
2009-08-21 11:09:02 AM  
Hey lady are these stretch marks or a life sized relief map of the Martian canals?
 
2009-08-21 11:20:36 AM  
When my wife was pregnant I found that caller her the host for my demon spawn was one of the things that pissed her off. And making a beeping sound when she would back up. She also didn't like my comment about all the cash we could make doing prego p0rn.

/could be retired by now :(
 
2009-08-21 12:19:42 PM  
To co-worker: "If you get knocked up again, can I have your office?"
 
2009-08-21 12:21:32 PM  
"So, do you know who the father is yet?" is clearly missing from this list.
 
2009-08-21 12:24:54 PM  
"Everyone knows you're eating for two"

I thought this was busted. Put the jelly donut down, fatty.
 
2009-08-21 12:42:39 PM  
NuttierThanEver: Hey lady are these stretch marks or a life sized relief map of the Martian canals?

I lol'd way too hard at that. Thank you.
 
2009-08-21 12:43:36 PM  
s2.buzzfeed.com
 
2009-08-21 12:44:35 PM  
I found asking "When are you going to shiat out that kid?" to be not that popular with the breeding crowd.
 
2009-08-21 12:44:38 PM  
Offering your seat to a salad dodging fatty, thinking incorrectly that her vast bulk is due to pregnancy, is worse in my book.

Easy done these days.....
 
2009-08-21 12:44:50 PM  
icanhazstapler: "Everyone knows you're eating for two"

I thought this was busted. Put the jelly donut down, fatty.


When you are large, hormonal and have someone kicking your bladder you can have the right to comment. Until then, STFU!
 
2009-08-21 12:45:16 PM  
"Oh, you are not pregnant. Sorry, I couldn't tell."
 
2009-08-21 12:45:19 PM  
The thing that wife most hated was the random people who would reach out and pat her stomach.
 
2009-08-21 12:45:37 PM  
Asking a non-pregnant woman "When are you due?" is always good for a laugh.
 
2009-08-21 12:45:40 PM  
The responses are all terrible, really awful crap.
 
2009-08-21 12:46:19 PM  

AbbeySomeone


When you are large, hormonal and have someone kicking your bladder you can have the right to comment. Until then, STFU!


No, we can still comment. Don't get mad because you're too fat to catch us.
 
2009-08-21 12:46:43 PM  
No, I don't want to see the video of the birth... I want to see the video of the conception...
 
2009-08-21 12:47:13 PM  
BlorfMaster

Everytime I think my stretch marks are bad, I remember her. Still, a vomit-worthy picture. :s

/pregnant
//again
 
2009-08-21 12:47:31 PM  
"OOhhhh, you're pregnant? How did that happen? Tell me every detail."

/only to the ones you want to know
//the ones you don't are more likely to answer
///ceasarian slashie
 
2009-08-21 12:48:10 PM  
Dont like being heckled about breeding? Dont get knocked up with a crotchfruit.

If the workplace is equal, I should be able to take 6 weeks of paid leave every 3 years since the ladies in the office take full advantage of it.
 
2009-08-21 12:48:33 PM  
minoridiot: The thing that wife most hated was the random people who would reach out and pat her stomach.

I constantly wore a "stay the fark away" look on my face. It worked - no one ever touched my belly.
 
2009-08-21 12:49:22 PM  
AbbeySomeone: icanhazstapler: "Everyone knows you're eating for two"

I thought this was busted. Put the jelly donut down, fatty.

When you are large, hormonal and have someone kicking your bladder you can have the right to comment. Until then, STFU!


Is that handle AbbeySomeone or ObeySomeone?

Buyer Beware...
 
2009-08-21 12:50:13 PM  
Englebert Slaptyback: AbbeySomeone

When you are large, hormonal and have someone kicking your bladder you can have the right to comment. Until then, STFU!


No, we can still comment. Don't get mad because you're too fat to catch us.


My daughter is 21.
Not fat, and still have a hitch in my getalong.
So, you live where?
 
2009-08-21 12:50:16 PM  
o5iiawah: Dont like being heckled about breeding? Dont get knocked up with a crotchfruit.

If the workplace is equal, I should be able to take 6 weeks of paid leave every 3 years since the ladies in the office take full advantage of it.


My company's paternity leave is the same as maternity leave. So... get your wife pregnant if you want time off.
 
2009-08-21 12:51:51 PM  
Grumpybollocks: AbbeySomeone: icanhazstapler: "Everyone knows you're eating for two"

I thought this was busted. Put the jelly donut down, fatty.

When you are large, hormonal and have someone kicking your bladder you can have the right to comment. Until then, STFU!

Is that handle AbbeySomeone or ObeySomeone?

Buyer Beware...


I kinda like the way you think.

*winks*
 
2009-08-21 12:52:09 PM  
1. "Do you think you'll go back to work?"

Of course you will. This isn't the '50s. Response: "Only if you don't."


Right...

Sure it is common to return to work but hardly expected or the standard.
 
2009-08-21 12:52:42 PM  
bambi121899: BlorfMaster


/pregnant
//again


take of those shoes and make me a sammich
 
2009-08-21 12:53:05 PM  
If the workplace is equal, I should be able to take 6 weeks of paid leave every 3 years since the ladies in the office take full advantage of it.

Okay, as long as you are willing to take the 20 years of being puked on, peed on, reduced income, and increased expenses that go along with it! No prob! Oh, and as long as you spend the 6 weeks with a non-communicative screaming banshee who variously exudes fluids and sucks them out of you while not letting you sleep more than 90 minutes at a time.

/Pregnant
//Honestly looking forward to it!
///Canadian, even, so I could take a year off! I bet that chaps your ass.
 
2009-08-21 12:53:58 PM  
icanhazstapler: "Everyone knows you're eating for two"

I thought this was busted. Put the jelly donut down, fatty.


It's mostly busted. They eat for about 1.25 people, not 2. Also they can't eat just anything and everything.

The women who "are eating for 2" shouldn't be surprised when, after the pregnancy, the hubby starts going elsewhere for sex.
 
2009-08-21 12:54:16 PM  
Never say "Quaid..... Start the reactor! Free Mars!" to a 6-9 months pregnant woman who has seen the movie "Total Recall." Disastrous results can and will occur.
 
2009-08-21 12:54:58 PM  
"Gee, are you having twins?"
 
2009-08-21 12:55:23 PM  
RevBigfoot: When my wife was pregnant I found that caller her the host for my demon spawn was one of the things that pissed her off. And making a beeping sound when she would back up. She also didn't like my comment about all the cash we could make doing prego p0rn.

/could be retired by now :(


I'm not going to marry / reproduce again until I can find a woman who'd laugh at those kinds of jokes.
 
2009-08-21 12:56:24 PM  
So maybe you made the mistake of saying you're not a breeder about a thousand times in your life. Maybe you publicly expressed on more than one occasion that babies are little terrorist parasites and you don't need that noise boning up your ambitions. So maybe now you're pregnant, and maybe now people want to mention that they just can't imagine your smoking, drinking, wise-cracking self conjuring up a maternal instinct.

Well, in that case, you're just gonna have to suck up the snark with a big fat smile. Live by the sword, die by the sword.
 
2009-08-21 12:56:26 PM  
Rule #1 of talking to a pregnant woman without offending her:

Be good-looking.

Rule #2:

Don't be hideous.
 
2009-08-21 12:56:29 PM  
Knara: icanhazstapler: "Everyone knows you're eating for two"

I thought this was busted. Put the jelly donut down, fatty.

It's mostly busted. They eat for about 1.25 people, not 2. Also they can't eat just anything and everything.

The women who "are eating for 2" shouldn't be surprised when, after the pregnancy, the hubby starts going elsewhere for sex.


or even during pregnancy
 
2009-08-21 12:56:56 PM  
Gee honey, when you're done, I hope that hotdog down a hallway thing isn't true.
 
2009-08-21 12:58:01 PM  
Did denying her the 3 am pickles and ice cream store run make the list?
 
2009-08-21 12:58:08 PM  
Civchic: ///Canadian, even, so I could take a year off! I bet that chaps your ass.

No just the asses of your coworkers who'd have to pick up your slack.

/keed, I do
 
2009-08-21 12:58:19 PM  
A couple of my wifes favorite grips.

Why are you breathing so loud?

Why are you driving the speed limit? (no, labor was not involved)

3 great daughters, it's really worth it in the end
 
2009-08-21 12:58:23 PM  

AbbeySomeone


still have a hitch in my getalong.


Does that mean anything in English?


So, you live where?


In a state of contentment. If you haven't tried it, shut your pie-hole*.


* Trying to emulate the amount of sense in your earlier statement.
 
2009-08-21 12:58:32 PM  
Also, who here has ever rubbed a pregnant woman's belly without first being invited to? I keep hearing that people just do this spontaneously in public, and it freaks me the fark out. You try that when my wife's pregnant, and you'll get a stern talking-to about manners and boundaries.

/not an ITG.
 
2009-08-21 12:59:04 PM  
Ew...women shouldn't be pregnant in public.
 
2009-08-21 12:59:14 PM  
To those without a wedding band:

"So how do you plan to pay for the little bastard?"

"Got your food stamp card yet?"

"How many different baby daddies has it been so far?"
 
2009-08-21 12:59:37 PM  
Rule #1: Make damned sure the woman is pregnant before asking her questions about it.
 
2009-08-21 12:59:57 PM  
I think pregnant women are hot.

They have big tits, big round asses.

They can't get pregnant when I blow my load.

Perfect.
 
2009-08-21 01:00:32 PM  
When I found out that a co-worker who already had a three-year-old and 18-month-old twins was pregnant again, the Weeners that leapt to mind was "Are you going to STOP now?"

But I realized that might be offensive, and congratulated her.
 
2009-08-21 01:00:44 PM  
olapbill: Knara: icanhazstapler: "Everyone knows you're eating for two"

I thought this was busted. Put the jelly donut down, fatty.

It's mostly busted. They eat for about 1.25 people, not 2. Also they can't eat just anything and everything.

The women who "are eating for 2" shouldn't be surprised when, after the pregnancy, the hubby starts going elsewhere for sex.

or even during pregnancy


Possibly. For those who use it as an excuse to let themselves go, absolutely. Some women are really hot when pregnant, though.
 
2009-08-21 01:00:51 PM  
Don't say, "Oh don't be so smug. You women get to experience the miracle of birth while us men are relegated to the sidelines."

or, "Giving birth doesn't hurt. I stubbed my little toe once and THAT HURT."

or, "Don't worry, just tell the doctor to put in an extra stitch down there if you tear. Your husband will appreciate it."

I have used all before and my wife still talks to me.
 
2009-08-21 01:01:54 PM  
bambi121899: minoridiot: The thing that wife most hated was the random people who would reach out and pat her stomach.

I constantly wore a "stay the fark away" look on my face. It worked - no one ever touched my belly.


Knowing you, I can see how that would be effective. If anyone ever touches Val's belly uninvited, I'm guessing that she's going to beat the shiat out of them. It would be fun to watch.
 
2009-08-21 01:01:54 PM  
Nogale: When I found out that a co-worker who already had a three-year-old and 18-month-old twins was pregnant again, the Weeners that leapt to mind was "Are you going to STOP now?"

But I realized that might be offensive, and congratulated her.


Maybe she's trying to staff an asian restaurant.
 
Displayed 50 of 265 comments

First | « | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | » | Last | Show all



This thread is archived, and closed to new comments.

Continue Farking
Submit a Link »
Advertisement
On Twitter






In Other Media


  1. Links are submitted by members of the Fark community.

  2. When community members submit a link, they also write a custom headline for the story.

  3. Other Farkers comment on the links. This is the number of comments. Click here to read them.

  4. Click here to submit a link.

Report