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Recession stories, hurricanes, and a Dallas Cowboy arrested by Saturday: Drew sets the betting line on this week's projected stories, and announces Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week 8/9 to 8/15
Posted by Drew at 2009-08-17 2:18:51 PM (43 comments) | Permalink
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Well, summertime is nearly over. The days are cooling, everybody's getting back in school, and seasonal routines are re-forming. The major political stuff will be healthcare for the next two weeks at least, and you can expect "death panels" to be replaced this week with something just as colorful, like "mandatory infant shredders" or the like. The voices of moderation are out there, but they're drowning in a sea of emotional hyperbole. Don't expect that to change.
Now that school is back in, you can expect stories moving toward how people attending school are dealing with the recession (answer: thrift store clothing for kids, secondhand books for college students, and more packed lunches across the board), but expect more stories on how education cutbacks are affecting the children. By mid-November, swine flu panic will be causing elementary school shutdowns again.
We're setting the betting line again on stories you might hear this week, and dropping odds on which ones will probably shake out and which ones won't:
- Floridians see storm on the horizon, promptly rush out to buy the crap they always need for hurricanes: one pack of bottled water, three sheets of plywood, and six cases of beer (4:1)
- Meteorologists find empirical evidence that storms display exponential increase in strength based on their proximity to Jim Cantore (15:1)
- First NFL arrest of the preseason (6:1)
- Arrestee happens to play for the Dallas Cowboys (3:1)
- Story involving nudity, alcohol, and a laundromat (8:1)
- A tragic reminder of the dangers of cleaning a loaded gun (6:1)
- Obama loses temper with media pundits, tears off shirt, becomes Hulk and crushes White House podium in rather unpresidential rage (127:1)
- Airplane requests emergency landing at major airport due to minor equipment malfunction, major networks scramble to Defcon 2 live feed . . . to watch the plane land without incident (13:1)
- Live action will also include Twitter feeds from passengers (5:1)
- CNN apologizes after discovering that the Twitter feeds were not actually from real passengers (3:1)
- Glen Beck discovers little-known "Soylent Green" provision of the healthcare bill (2:1)
Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-08-09 to Sat 2009-08-15:
Birthplace of Vespasian found, ending 2000 year debate over whether he was a Roman citizen or was in fact born in Kenya
That foot found at a NY recycling center? Turns out it belonged to a bear. You'd think police could recognize a bearclaw when they see one
/usr/bin/python -c "import cat"
Two injured in chemical explosion. Au Te-H H-U-Mn-I-Ti
13-year old boy breaks into railway depot and accidentally touches 25kv overhead line. Yep, he's grounded
Special Olympians around the world express heartfelt "Faaaannn gyuuuuu" to Eunice Kennedy Shriver
Actual headline: "Shark Attack On Porpoise Closes 2 Beaches." At least we know that the shark attack wasn't an accident
Australian coroner begins grim task of identifying PNG victims, but at least no data was lost in their compression
Family thrilled about Kardashian pregnancy, Picard still screaming about 4 lights
"Squeaky" Fromme released from prison, immediately signs with the Philadelphia Eagles
Millions of women find sex unbearable. They can be identified by a ring on the fourth finger of the left hand
CC Sabathia: $161M. A.J. Burnett: $82.5M. Mark Teixeira: $180M. Holding the Red Sox scoreless for 31 innings as part of a four-game sweep? Priceless
Mike Vick signs with Eagles, will reportedly be used as a positive role model for Andy Reid's sons
Mets' David Wright struck in head by wild pitch, suffers concussion (w/video). Doctors say that Wright will face the additional difficulty of remembering the entire season
Girl, reading at age 1 and a college graduate at 14, only sleeps 3 hours a week while pursuing degrees in physics, computer science, chemistry and engineering--all in hopes of curing AIDS. But your WoW guild is totally impressive, dude
Salmon found in Paris for first time in more than a century. They must be in Seine
The world's coral reefs have herpes. That's a moray
PETA asks Lady Gaga to get naked. Surely, that'll put people off sausages for a while
Amy Winehouse's life could inspire a musical. Possible titles include "My Scare Lady," "The Skank of Music," "West Side Whorey," and "Seven Hives for Seven Doctors"
Redbox sues 20th Century Fox challenging new rule that wholesalers wait 30 days after Fox DVDs come out before selling to them, Fox maintains once a month is enough for Redbox releases. Period
Representative from Illinois elected president not seen as legitimate leader south of the Mason-Dixon line. This is not a repeat from 1860
"Sotomayor Sworn In as 111th Justice." And you lefties said Obama wouldn't pack the courts
Freepers declare their love for Whole Foods. We're so far down the rabbit hole we're practically crawling up the rabbit's ass
Rapper convicted of murder is it A) Ice Cube B) Solja B C)-murder
The hot twins sisters from the 80's band Nelson just signed a new record deal
Les Paul, More Dead
GM selling cars via Ebay. No word if Hummers available via Craigslist
Clear Channel posts $3.7B loss. I'd explain more, but I have to cut to 10 minutes of commercials, followed by the new Nickelback song
Microsoft not worried about court order to stop selling Word to your mother
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