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Recession stories, hurricanes, and a Dallas Cowboy arrested by Saturday: Drew sets the betting line on this week's projected stories, and announces Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week 8/9 to 8/15 
Posted by Drew at 2009-08-17 2:18:51 PM (43 comments) | Permalink
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5479 clicks; posted to Main » on 17 Aug 2009 at 2:30 PM (5 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



Well, summertime is nearly over. The days are cooling, everybody's getting back in school, and seasonal routines are re-forming. The major political stuff will be healthcare for the next two weeks at least, and you can expect "death panels" to be replaced this week with something just as colorful, like "mandatory infant shredders" or the like. The voices of moderation are out there, but they're drowning in a sea of emotional hyperbole. Don't expect that to change.

Now that school is back in, you can expect stories moving toward how people attending school are dealing with the recession (answer: thrift store clothing for kids, secondhand books for college students, and more packed lunches across the board), but expect more stories on how education cutbacks are affecting the children. By mid-November, swine flu panic will be causing elementary school shutdowns again.

We're setting the betting line again on stories you might hear this week, and dropping odds on which ones will probably shake out and which ones won't:

- Floridians see storm on the horizon, promptly rush out to buy the crap they always need for hurricanes: one pack of bottled water, three sheets of plywood, and six cases of beer (4:1)

- Meteorologists find empirical evidence that storms display exponential increase in strength based on their proximity to Jim Cantore (15:1)

- First NFL arrest of the preseason (6:1)

- Arrestee happens to play for the Dallas Cowboys (3:1)

- Story involving nudity, alcohol, and a laundromat (8:1)

- A tragic reminder of the dangers of cleaning a loaded gun (6:1)

- Obama loses temper with media pundits, tears off shirt, becomes Hulk and crushes White House podium in rather unpresidential rage (127:1)

- Airplane requests emergency landing at major airport due to minor equipment malfunction, major networks scramble to Defcon 2 live feed . . . to watch the plane land without incident (13:1)

- Live action will also include Twitter feeds from passengers (5:1)

- CNN apologizes after discovering that the Twitter feeds were not actually from real passengers (3:1)

- Glen Beck discovers little-known "Soylent Green" provision of the healthcare bill (2:1)


Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-08-09 to Sat 2009-08-15:

img1.fark.net  Birthplace of Vespasian found, ending 2000 year debate over whether he was a Roman citizen or was in fact born in Kenya    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  That foot found at a NY recycling center? Turns out it belonged to a bear. You'd think police could recognize a bearclaw when they see one    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  /usr/bin/python -c "import cat"    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Two injured in chemical explosion. Au Te-H H-U-Mn-I-Ti    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  13-year old boy breaks into railway depot and accidentally touches 25kv overhead line. Yep, he's grounded    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Special Olympians around the world express heartfelt "Faaaannn gyuuuuu" to Eunice Kennedy Shriver    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Actual headline: "Shark Attack On Porpoise Closes 2 Beaches." At least we know that the shark attack wasn't an accident    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Australian coroner begins grim task of identifying PNG victims, but at least no data was lost in their compression    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Family thrilled about Kardashian pregnancy, Picard still screaming about 4 lights    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  "Squeaky" Fromme released from prison, immediately signs with the Philadelphia Eagles    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Millions of women find sex unbearable. They can be identified by a ring on the fourth finger of the left hand    img.fark.net


Sports:

img1.fark.net  CC Sabathia: $161M. A.J. Burnett: $82.5M. Mark Teixeira: $180M. Holding the Red Sox scoreless for 31 innings as part of a four-game sweep? Priceless    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Mike Vick signs with Eagles, will reportedly be used as a positive role model for Andy Reid's sons    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Mets' David Wright struck in head by wild pitch, suffers concussion (w/video). Doctors say that Wright will face the additional difficulty of remembering the entire season    img.fark.net


Geek:

img1.fark.net  Girl, reading at age 1 and a college graduate at 14, only sleeps 3 hours a week while pursuing degrees in physics, computer science, chemistry and engineering--all in hopes of curing AIDS. But your WoW guild is totally impressive, dude    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Salmon found in Paris for first time in more than a century. They must be in Seine    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  The world's coral reefs have herpes. That's a moray    img.fark.net


Showbiz:

img1.fark.net  PETA asks Lady Gaga to get naked. Surely, that'll put people off sausages for a while    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Amy Winehouse's life could inspire a musical. Possible titles include "My Scare Lady," "The Skank of Music," "West Side Whorey," and "Seven Hives for Seven Doctors"    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Redbox sues 20th Century Fox challenging new rule that wholesalers wait 30 days after Fox DVDs come out before selling to them, Fox maintains once a month is enough for Redbox releases. Period    img.fark.net


Politics:

img1.fark.net  Representative from Illinois elected president not seen as legitimate leader south of the Mason-Dixon line. This is not a repeat from 1860    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  "Sotomayor Sworn In as 111th Justice." And you lefties said Obama wouldn't pack the courts    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Freepers declare their love for Whole Foods. We're so far down the rabbit hole we're practically crawling up the rabbit's ass    img.fark.net


Music:

img1.fark.net  Rapper convicted of murder is it A) Ice Cube B) Solja B C)-murder    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  The hot twins sisters from the 80's band Nelson just signed a new record deal    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Les Paul, More Dead    img.fark.net


Business:

img1.fark.net  GM selling cars via Ebay. No word if Hummers available via Craigslist    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Clear Channel posts $3.7B loss. I'd explain more, but I have to cut to 10 minutes of commercials, followed by the new Nickelback song    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Microsoft not worried about court order to stop selling Word to your mother    img.fark.net
· · ·
(view entire blog)


43 Comments   (+0 »)
   
 
2009-08-17 02:36:57 PM
So even the sports top headlines have to be 2/3 related to NY or Boston teams? Niiice.

The Andy Reid headline blows those both out of the water completely anyway though.
 
2009-08-17 02:37:39 PM
So Drew is now convinced he's an expert on the news media, eh?

Maybe I just haven't read enough of these things in the past.
 
2009-08-17 02:40:01 PM
Sweet, hat trick :D
 
2009-08-17 02:41:02 PM
What are the odds on Microsoft completely ignoring the Texas Court decision?
 
2009-08-17 02:41:24 PM
The one that made me laugh the most this week was

Special Olympians around the world express heartfelt "Faaaannn gyuuuuu" to Eunice Kennedy Shriver

Subby, you rude, hilarious bastard.
 
2009-08-17 02:44:17 PM
Floridians see storm on the horizon, promptly rush out to buy the crap they always need for hurricanes: one pack of bottled water, three sheets of plywood, and six twelve cases of beer (4:1)

And bullets. Don't forget bullets.
 
2009-08-17 02:45:28 PM
Let's see... California is on fire. Hurricanes are about to hit Florida.

Time for West Nile stories until the hurricanes hit.

Then "oh crap, that hurricane actually hit something" stories.

Then Mud Slides in California.
 
2009-08-17 02:46:02 PM
As far as the Obama Hulks Out one. I'll give him the fact that if he ever has lost his temper, he's never shown it.

Biden however is likely to have yet another moment of senility and streak across the podium
 
2009-08-17 02:47:06 PM
Aren't we also due for the political grandstanding? Like the Republicans in the House walking out over some crap?
 
2009-08-17 02:47:51 PM
Whodat?: So Drew is now convinced he's an expert on the news media, eh?

Maybe I just haven't read enough of these things in the past.


Have you not read His book, comrade?
 
2009-08-17 02:49:45 PM
It's also the beginning of the school year, so we should be getting stories from Kansas or Texas or something belaboring the rules on keeping religion out of Science classes.
 
2009-08-17 02:51:13 PM
netweavr: Like the Republicans in the House walking out over some crap?

It's vacation time on Capital Hill.
Give it a few weeks.
Also, if the GOP walks out it will only give a handful of dems room to stretch out their legs.
 
2009-08-17 02:51:40 PM
Why do the blog posts kill Farky? Blog post goes up and everything older than it doesn't get filtered or highlighted.
 
2009-08-17 02:53:09 PM
Old and busted: Cowboys getting arrested
New Hotness: Eagles stepping and getting busted
 
2009-08-17 02:53:47 PM
McFifenstein: netweavr: Like the Republicans in the House walking out over some crap?

It's vacation time on Capital Hill.
Give it a few weeks.
Also, if the GOP walks out it will only give a handful of dems room to stretch out their legs.


You misspelled "drunken orgy on the taxpayers dime."

I would also have accepted (if the Dems walked), "drunken orgy on the page's behind."
 
2009-08-17 02:59:15 PM
Speaking of drunken orgies. Have we gotten the annual "Teenagers have sex" study by Dr. Romero?
 
2009-08-17 03:01:42 PM
netweavr: You misspelled "drunken orgy on the taxpayers dime."

typical republican yadda yadda yadda...
 
2009-08-17 03:04:06 PM
McFifenstein: netweavr: You misspelled "drunken orgy on the taxpayers dime."

typical republican yadda yadda yadda...


Ad hominem attacks are all you can come up with? I guess that's not surprising given your background as a Republican.
 
2009-08-17 03:05:27 PM
netweavr: Ad hominem attacks are all you can come up with? I guess that's not surprising given your background as a Republican.

you left and now I'm all out of practice.
I can't say I miss you, because I already tried that.
 
2009-08-17 03:05:45 PM
And the annual Andy Rooney-like editorial complaining about how we don't have an August federal holiday in the USA.
 
2009-08-17 03:07:41 PM
srhp29: So even the sports top headlines have to be 2/3 related to NY or Boston teams? Niiice.

The Andy Reid headline blows those both out of the water completely anyway though.


And whiney biatch is back to whine some more.
 
2009-08-17 03:10:03 PM
I'm glad Drew was sober enough to write something funny this week :)
 
2009-08-17 03:10:56 PM
Back to School Special Report on CNN: Mead going out of business due to the recession - everyone is reusing last year's Trapper Keepers instead of buying new crap.
 
2009-08-17 03:16:30 PM
i nominate brooks and done headline, that was original
 
2009-08-17 03:34:10 PM
Drew:

Your Cowboy line is overly optimistic really. Most of the usual suspects are no longer on the team.

Now, if your talking the NFL in general...I'll take that bet.
 
2009-08-17 04:06:29 PM
Drew: Story involving nudity, alcohol, and a laundromat (8:1)

So we know what your plans for this week are already.

"Laundry day is a very dangerous day"

/better not be obscure
 
2009-08-17 04:27:34 PM
Whodat?: So Drew is now convinced he's an expert on the news media, eh?

Welllll ... he did write a book about it ... and today's CNN Headline - "Too much attention to Gosselins, 'Octomom'?" echo's what he has been saying for years ...
 
2009-08-17 04:55:44 PM
Drew: Now that school is back in

Are you sure, because TFD is more retarded in the last day or three than it has been all summer.
 
2009-08-17 05:07:22 PM
JackAssHole: Drew: Now that school is back in

Are you sure, because TFD is more retarded in the last day or three than it has been all summer.


You're reading the saving throws of a hundred school-aged nerds.
 
2009-08-17 05:07:52 PM
Drew: - Meteorologists find empirical evidence that storms display exponential increase in strength based on their proximity to Jim Cantore (15:1)


I lol'ed
 
2009-08-17 05:17:47 PM
who is this drew guy?
 
2009-08-17 05:35:12 PM
Fundamental Thereom Of Farkulus: who is this drew guy?

The boogeyman...a drunk boogeyman.
 
2009-08-17 05:55:28 PM
- Arrestee happens to play for the Dallas Cowboys (3:1)

HEY! It is now en vogue to say Bengals or Vikings. COME ON
 
2009-08-17 06:00:12 PM
not that i'm a huge fan, but i just noticed the fark classifieds are missing. is that another sign of the economic downturn?
 
2009-08-17 06:11:09 PM
Oh hey, I just got the chemical explosion headline!

Wow. Well-played, NeverDrunk23. I always did like you.
 
2009-08-17 06:43:41 PM
Awesome. I don't submit many headlines, but every once in a while I luck out and submit a really good one.

Di Atribe: Oh hey, I just got the chemical explosion headline!

Wow. Well-played, NeverDrunk23. I always did like you.


Thanks. I spent a while on that headline, and prayed that it didn't get submitted already.
 
2009-08-17 07:18:58 PM
The "Squeaky Fromme" headline was my favorite, but that PNG thread was epic.
 
2009-08-17 08:30:30 PM
Of all the teams likely to end up with someone arrested, Dallas is pretty far down the list. You'd think that someone who makes a living based on a site that would enjoy mocking professional athletes for criminal actions would, in fact, know his ass from a hole in the ground.
 
2009-08-17 10:13:50 PM
Floridians see storm on the horizon, promptly rush out to buy the crap they always need for hurricanes: one pack of bottled water, three sheets of plywood, and six cases of beer (4:1)

the old 3 sheets to the wind plan...
 
2009-08-17 10:17:04 PM
img1.fark.net?

Whatever happened to img.fark.com? Eh, Drew?
 
2009-08-18 01:53:20 AM
Sid_6.7

Whatever happened to img.fark.com? Eh, Drew?


When did he use it? I could've sworn his kentucky fark party one year had Fark Blog beside it.
 
2009-08-18 06:58:23 AM
cwolf20: When did he use it? I could've sworn his kentucky fark party one year had Fark Blog beside it.

It was just a joke.
 
2009-08-18 08:19:31 AM
There were a lot of sweet headlines in that list. My favorite being the "import cat" one.

/nerd
 
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