bobbette: ALL her cakes seem just as bad, that wasn't a special insult to black people who celebrate pan-African heritage. Her Noel cake was topped with a damn ICE CREAM CONE turned upside down with a "star" of runny canned icing. And Twizzlers.

Have you seen this? Cake Wrecks, a blog of bad cakes.
(new window)
As bad as these are, at least none of them feature corn nuts, twizzlers, or ice cream cones dipped in green chocolate.

bobbette: OMG, I forgot the best part. I'm pretty sure her "Kahlua Tiramisu" is a Twinkie, on a pile of canned whipped-cream, sitting in a BOWL OF KAHLUA, with more canned whipped-cream on top. It doesn't look like proper ladyfingers. And again, just plopped in half a litre of Kahlua.

As much as I love Kahlua, that sounds like soft-boiled ass. Just the thought of it makes one want to yawn in technicolor.

It's not hard to MAKE whipped cream! It's cream... and you WHIP it! It's ONE INGREDIENT!

But it's so hard! You might end up with butter if you whip it too long. And there's no alcohol in it (initially).

Oooh, idea time! Vodak-infused butter! Great for your Bailey's Irish Oatmeal, Gin and Pancakes with Blueberry Curacao Syrup. We just need a proper tablescape for this Breakfast of Champions.

Soymilk: bobbette: ALL her cakes seem just as bad, that wasn't a special insult to black people who celebrate pan-African heritage. Her Noel cake was topped with a damn ICE CREAM CONE turned upside down with a "star" of runny canned icing. And Twizzlers.

Have you seen this? Cake Wrecks, a blog of bad cakes.
(new window)
As bad as these are, at least none of them feature corn nuts, twizzlers, or ice cream cones dipped in green chocolate.

Cake Wrecks is awesome but I swear people are faking wrecks now and submitting them.

I know this because that's what I would do if I actually wanted to make cakes.

My own idea, with a little help on the editing. Credit to www.demotivateus.com for the original Captain Kirk picture.

PurplePimpSaber: Completing the Alton Brown level requires PhDs in chemistry, metallurgy, engineering, and awesome.

well said :)

AB is the Mr Wizard of food.

Great thread ... it reads like a story idea session at The Onion.

The female chefs at FN are amazing for their ability to work in family: I think that we saw them all on Sandra Lee's picnic series; Paula Deen's boys are always on; Rachel Ray can't go five minutes without referencing her mother. But the most-embarassing was Barefat Comtessa syruping on about her husband during a Valentine's dinner show.

bobbette: WTF happened to Emeril anyway?

Sorry for the 10 posts on Sandra Lee. I just discovered her. My brain is going to be broken for at least another 2 hours.

Emeril moved on to the Fine Living Channel and Planet Green (?). On Planet Green he does a show hosted by Whole Foods Market where he helps average people with cooking issues. Since Planet Green is part of the Discovery Network he does it from Fairfax VA (seen him in the store a couple of times).

Oh and yeah - I personally refer to Sandra Lee as "Milfy McBooze". Don't like her show, or her "repressed emotion as tablescape" ideas, but she seems she would be fun after a few.

Guysmiley: British: To be fair Gaida's head is so big, she DOES look like a Mii, or a Xbox Live Avatar. No conversion needed.

Miis aren't able to reproduce the required jiggle when whisking a vinaigrette...


Thanks for reminding me of the visual aspects of Giada's cooking expertise. I'm spent.

I don't understand the gay man love for Alton Brown, why does he always talk like he's lecturing a bunch of 5 year olds?

\Cake shows suck
\\Giada is hot
\\\Bourdain kicks ass

rxs: Her long slender fingers delicately hold its length and girth in her hands. She marvels at the smooth texture of its skin that lies taut over its rigid flesh. How the heft of this large specimen feels unbelievable in her hands as she firmly closes her grip around it. She sensually wets her painted lips while holding it high. Studying nature's beautiful handiwork in anticipation of how it will taste when she's finished. Others have come and gone but this one looks especially inviting as she sets it down and begins.....

"First you will slice your yellow squash into ½ inch pieces." Giada exclaims. After adding the slices to the hot pan containing the simmering oil and spattering garlic, she leans over the pot of steaming pasta plucking a long, wet noodle from inside. She holds it loosely draped over her fingertips.

Her eyes widen with excitement as she hunches forward and says "Let's see if the pasta is ready yet."

Her warm, wet, pink tongue pushes through her closed lips and moistens them as she readies herself to blow on the hot noodle. Her soft, painted lips purse together into an erotic "O" as she expels the cool air and then lifts the noodle above her head. She slowly tilts back her head like a model at a photo shoot, opens her mouth and sticks out her tongue.

Her tongue is long and thin almost disproportionate to her tiny mouth. It is formed in a "U" shape ready to catch whatever will be laid upon it. Her eyes close seductively in anticipation of the ensuing food.

The noodle is dropped from her hand and she quickly brings her head back down as it swings wildly landing against her face clinging to her chin, jaw and cheek. A childlike smile beams from her lips as she holds them tightly to contain the noodle and she giggles at her momentary embarrassment. Her cheeks quickly sink inward as she sucks quickly to pull this tiny lengthy noodle into her mouth as it dislodges itself from her soft glowing skin. Her lips are so inviting as the slippery pasta slides between them as it's sucked inside with a quick, squiggling end.

Sandra Lee actually attended Le Cordon Bleu in France. She also causes a party in my pants.

bobbette: Sandra Lee introduces a "beer margarita" here. I think I had this once when I was 18, and really was exercising poor judgment in bartending choices. However, I was not so depraved to add Limeade from a concentrate can to it

actually the beer margarita is fantastic. i didn't even know it came from her, a friend of my mom's made them. they taste slightly margarita-y but without the effort. we quite often mix them up in mixed company

i love beeritas. we always sneak them into the pool when we have our annual EMS party there. drunk paramedics and waterslides FTW!

DjangoStonereaver: kmfjd: I don't understand the gay man love for Alton Brown, why does he always talk like he's lecturing a bunch of 5 year olds?

Because for those of us who want to learn more about cooking, but don't have
the skill or experience, that is about the level we need to be taught at.

If all churchgoing southerners were like AB, this country's future would be
secure and safe. And well fed.

Holy crap, that was dead on. Bravo!

Since I personally have slightly over zero cooking abilities, I like Good Eats for actually teaching more than the other shows. Though since I've been hurt all Summer and Food Network is one of many I've been watching, I've become a little more interested in the more traditional cooking shows. I can't duplicate any of that stuff, really, but I can at least follow it. I also like the traveling around and chowing shows, like Man Versus Food and Diner,Drive-Ins And Dives. No Reservations is pretty good,too but there's probably a better chance of me getting to the Russian River Pub or SmokeEaters than to a lot of the places Anthony Bourdain or Andrew Zimmern have gone to. But they're all entertaining shows, I think.

And on a side side of unquestionable obviousness, it's not a cooking show but a travel show, but that Kirsten Gum is smoking hot.

syberpud: bobbette: WTF happened to Emeril anyway?

Sorry for the 10 posts on Sandra Lee. I just discovered her. My brain is going to be broken for at least another 2 hours.

Emeril moved on to the Fine Living Channel and Planet Green (?). On Planet Green he does a show hosted by Whole Foods Market where he helps average people with cooking issues. Since Planet Green is part of the Discovery Network he does it from Fairfax VA (seen him in the store a couple of times).

Oh and yeah - I personally refer to Sandra Lee as "Milfy McBooze". Don't like her show, or her "repressed emotion as tablescape" ideas, but she seems she would be fun after a few.

I watched a little of "Emeril Green", seems like a long Whole Foods Market ad. But then, you don't often see Alton Brown or such crusing by the Savemart for supplies, either.

Ever catch "Posh Nosh" on PBS?


Spoof cooking show. Hilarious.

/always excoriate the fish before flagellating it.

SigmaAlgebra: They are slowly fazing out all the actual chefs from food network. It started with Ming, then Emeril, then Mario. The only one that has an actual cooking show left is Bobby Flay and that is on at a time when no one without DVR will see it. Thankfully, there's the Create network. Jacques Pepin, Lidia Bastianich, Ming Tsai, Hubert Keller, and Steve Raichlen ftw.

Oh I LOOOOOVE Jacques Pepin. He said "these peas are scrumptious" in his little French old man accent on a show (maybe IC?), and I swear to FSM it was the cutest sentence ever uttered by a human being. I wish I had a recording of it so I could put it on a loop.

/link is seasoned and seared.

rxs: Her long slender fingers delicately hold its length and girth in her hands. She marvels at the smooth texture of its skin that lies taut over its rigid flesh. How the heft of this large specimen feels unbelievable in her hands as she firmly closes her grip around it. She sensually wets her painted lips while holding it high. Studying nature's beautiful handiwork in anticipation of how it will taste when she's finished. Others have come and gone but this one looks especially inviting as she sets it down and begins.....

"First you will slice your yellow squash into ½ inch pieces." Giada exclaims. After adding the slices to the hot pan containing the simmering oil and spattering garlic, she leans over the pot of steaming pasta plucking a long, wet noodle from inside. She holds it loosely draped over her fingertips.

Her eyes widen with excitement as she hunches forward and says "Let's see if the pasta is ready yet."

Her warm, wet, pink tongue pushes through her closed lips and moistens them as she readies herself to blow on the hot noodle. Her soft, painted lips purse together into an erotic "O" as she expels the cool air and then lifts the noodle above her head. She slowly tilts back her head like a model at a photo shoot, opens her mouth and sticks out her tongue.

Her tongue is long and thin almost disproportionate to her tiny mouth. It is formed in a "U" shape ready to catch whatever will be laid upon it. Her eyes close seductively in anticipation of the ensuing food.

The noodle is dropped from her hand and she quickly brings her head back down as it swings wildly landing against her face clinging to her chin, jaw and cheek. A childlike smile beams from her lips as she holds them tightly to contain the noodle and she giggles at her momentary embarrassment. Her cheeks quickly sink inward as she sucks quickly to pull this tiny lengthy noodle into her mouth as it dislodges itself from her soft glowing skin. Her lips are so inviting as the slippery pasta slides between them as it's sucked inside with a quick, squiggling end.

aaaaaaaaaand I'm spent.

SigmaAlgebra: They are slowly fazing out all the actual chefs from food network. It started with Ming, then Emeril, then Mario. The only one that has an actual cooking show left is Bobby Flay and that is on at a time when no one without DVR will see it. Thankfully, there's the Create network. Jacques Pepin, Lidia Bastianich, Ming Tsai, Hubert Keller, and Steve Raichlen ftw.

Perfect product segmentation strategy.

aegisalpha: SFSailor: aegisalpha: I know, he also wears orange pants and generally looks ridiculous. Which makes it even funnier that he's at least as good a cook as Ramsay.

I was unclear in making my link.... he has sold his name Crocs. They sell orange crocs with his name on them. I mean, seriously.

As to his cooking... not all that impressed, but then all I know of him is Iron Chef, a couple spots here and there, and that mediocre-to-horrid (depending on your perspective) Buford book... all of which were underwhelming.

Of course, to be clear, "being the most talented chef on tv" is awwwwfulllly similar to winning the [special olympics | AA baseball game | GP2 race]... yeah, you may be good, but you're not in the same league as the best....

I'll spell it out for you: Batali and Ramsay both worked under the same chef as they were coming up.

MARCO PIERRE WHITE!! the king of chefs!!

Jamie can show me his sausage any day.

/Yum.