The headline of the article is a wonderland of surreal bizzareness.
Sounds like she does need a good slapping, though.

What a n*gger may look like.

Catherine Newman (new window)

The surest way to intimacy is to turn myself into a kind of whining, boring power tool. I trust I'm correct in my approach here. "What are you thinking? Why did you say that? What did you really mean? Then why did you put your fingers to your forehead like that? Yes, you did." The trick is to locate tiny, remote pockets of privacy and then drill at them -- zjh zjh zjhhhh -- like they're abscesses.

That's not a sure way to intimacy, that's a sure way to have somebody hate your farking guts and want you to just STFU and leave them alone. This woman needs therapy.

I'm gonna be in a severe minority here, but I think that's one of the better husband/wife columns I've ever read. If only because it highlights that men and women are different and you better get used to that if you want a successful marriage.

/the writing's a little too flowery for me though, it's like a female Hemmingway

ecmoRandomNumbers: She makes me glad I'm gay.

I might like to borrow some of that gay from you if this is what I risk getting stuck with otherwise.

By Catherine Newman O, The Oprah Magazine © 2009

I believe I have identified the source of the problem.

sigdiamond2000: ?

Over written, too many analogies, not enough substance. That could have been written in about 1/10th of the words. To me that describes Hemmingway, but his rambling is pretty manly.

/loves hemmingway short stories

And I have loved him like a hurricane. I have loved him like a scalpel. I have loved him like poison ivy on the dog's paws, like a rock in his shoe, like chewing gum stuck under the table of his heart.

FAIL

Screw it. Imagine Stanley Marsh on Wheel of Fortune

He is no fountain spraying silver arcs of feelings into the air, but he's a cupful of snow, and if I'm thirsty, I'd do better to thaw it with my breath than continue to curse the cold.

Fap?

And I have loved him like a hurricane. I have loved him like a scalpel. I have loved him like poison ivy on the dog's paws, like a rock in his shoe, like chewing gum stuck under the table of his heart.

wtf?

I have loved him like a yeast infection. I have loved him like an oozing pustule on an old dog's ass, like a rusted axe buried in the tetanus infected wound of his heart.

In the car, with K.D. Lang on, for example, I say aloud, "Her voice always sounds like something liquid and smooth -- it makes me picture a river of heavy cream rippling down a mountain," and my son says, "I know exactly what you mean. Whenever you talk about time? About this o'clock or that o'clock? I think about lemons." I turn my face to look at him, and he smiles, all mystery and light. Who knew?

Eegads. Perhaps it's time her doctor took her off of the post-partum psychosis medication.

To be fair, the ultimate point at the end of all that rambling was that she's realized she needs to work on shutting the f*ck up and letting people be themselves without her nagging them to be otherwise.

So she agrees with all of you. And I'm guessing the long-winded nature of the article was intended to illustrate her point.

I love the story highlights at the top.

Story Highlights
# Woman admires boys' ability to whisper to snails to tease them out of shells
# She also admits she is not the whispering type, but very direct in talking
# Her husband's communications confound and frustrate her
# But despite their different styles, she loves and admires him

FTFA:

What did you really mean?

He meant what he said, exactly how he said it . Us men don't do cryptic bullsh*t.

ecmoRandomNumbers

She makes me glad I'm gay.

If I had to live with a women like that, I'd definitely consider switching teams as well.

Sweet Jebus! lady, STFU!

Jesus...I write poetry on a regular basis and reading that still made me want to spork my eyes out.

The metaphors...THEY BURN!!!!

God bless. What the hell is this drivel??

I'm thinking there's a good chance she was home-schooled. And therefore thinks we give a flying fark about her dove-flying, candle-in-the-wind metaphors about her stupid marriage.

One of those people who gets high and doesn't SHUT THE FARK UP.

That made me feel stabby.

That is one over-educated mommy gettin' paid by the word right there.

In the words of Steven Seagal, "Fark you and die."

I think I contracted simile poisoning reading that.

coma: ecmoRandomNumbers: She makes me glad I'm gay.

I might like to borrow some of that gay from you if this is what I risk getting stuck with otherwise.

this

She mast take writing lessons from Ron Miller.

/Her legs were quills. They were bundles of wicker, they were candelabra; the muscles were summer lightning, that flickered like a passing thought; they were captured eels or a cable on a windlass. Her thighs were geese, pythons, schooners. They were cypress or banyan; her thighs were a forge, they were shears; her thighs were sandstone, they were the sandstone buttresses of a cathedral, they were silk or cobwebs. Her calves were sweet with the sap of elders, her feet were bleached bones, her feet were driftwood. Her feet were springs, marmosets or locusts; her toes were snails, they were snails with shells of tears.

UsikFark: coma: ecmoRandomNumbers: She makes me glad I'm gay.

I might like to borrow some of that gay from you if this is what I risk getting stuck with otherwise.

this

Dammit, meant to quote someone else.

/nttatwwt

PainInTheASP: After reading that I could not help but look out across the meadow--a golden white blanket of honeysuckle and clover--and think about what those words meant to me, to my life, my love. As the sun set over the sea of flowers, I sighed, sat back in the wicker love seat, and took a melancholy sip of wine. Words cannot describe the feelings--no the yearnings--that I had to TAKE AND STICK A FARKING KNIFE IN MY FACE TO END THE LOATHING CAUSED BY THIS SELF-ABSORBED TWATMUFFIN AND HER POMPOUS COLLEGE-LIT FAILED SCREED!

Oh, well done. Well done.

She needs to have something that stops her from talking. Oh wait, I have an idea...

meow said the dog: Yes I agree with the other person that maybe she or maybe the husband of her is very fat.

meow, did you write this? Not regarding the fat comment, regarding your writing style.

I could not read the whole article. The bore is strong in that drivel.

UsikFark
UsikFark: coma: ecmoRandomNumbers: She makes me glad I'm gay.

I might like to borrow some of that gay from you if this is what I risk getting stuck with otherwise.

this

Dammit, meant to quote someone else.

/nttatwwt


Suuuuure, you did

Funny... I did find this article while surfing this morning, and after reading the first few lines all I could think was "CRAZY!" She sounds like a jabbering, overbearing lunatic. I really have to wonder what kind of man can stay married to this mad hen let alone listen to her for 2 minutes.

Don't make me read this! My eyes glazed over after the first paragraph. This is not fark"n Fark material!

WTF is this shiat?

I'd blog or post about my marriage, except that I actually work on it every day. It's a relationship I care to continue & to work at. I'm not f***ing airing shiat out that I should be talking over with my wife.

I'm not about to blah blah blah on the intaerweb about how shiat is farked up, or shiat ain't being done how I want, or how the blah blah blah blah. Jeebus, that's a horrible thing to read & would be enough to drive me to alcoholism or drug abuse if I were that husband.

/If I have to post that kind of crap on the internet, I hope I've got the good sense to get the fark out of my marriage or to jump off a bridge or something.

PainInTheASP: After reading that I could not help but look out across the meadow--a golden white blanket of honeysuckle and clover--and think about what those words meant to me, to my life, my love. As the sun set over the sea of flowers, I sighed, sat back in the wicker love seat, and took a melancholy sip of wine. Words cannot describe the feelings--no the yearnings--that I had to TAKE AND STICK A FARKING KNIFE IN MY FACE TO END THE LOATHING CAUSED BY THIS SELF-ABSORBED TWATMUFFIN AND HER POMPOUS COLLEGE-LIT FAILED SCREED!

This comment filled me with a deep sense of satisfaction and joy.

PainInTheASP:

Thisissitude

j__z: ecmoRandomNumbers

She makes me glad I'm gay.

If I had to live with a women like that, I'd definitely consider switching teams as well.

I wouldn't.

/Would add "hookers" to the monthly budget.