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Drew sets Fark's betting lines for this week's news; place your bets or set your own odds. Also, some of our favorite Headlines of the Week from 7/19 - 7/25 
Posted by Drew at 2009-07-27 11:25:17 AM, edited 2009-07-27 1:09:10 PM (63 comments) | Permalink
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5115 clicks; posted to Main » on 27 Jul 2009 at 1:58 PM (5 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



Summertime is always difficult for the media, since not too much really happens. Make no mistake, important stuff is happening, but not enough of it to really keep a 24-hour news cycle going. For that reason, you can expect a whole lot of Not News in the next several weeks. This will include local newspapers writing about their colorful neighborhood characters, sports writers hypothesizing about unlikely situations that involve their home teams, and network television's favorite topic: Things That Will Kill You.

In politics, you likely won't hear anything at all this week except the healthcare debate. Congress breaks soon and Obama wants action quickly, but there's a metric assload of money associated with it (on both sides of the aisle), so expect the debate about it to rage long and loud and stupid. A lot of people stand to lose if that sacred cow is slaughtered, so remember, no matter what anybody says, it's about the money.

By far, the most entertaining story that will come out this week (no later than tomorrow, likely) will be 4chan vs. AT&T, in which AT&T will be playing the role of the Police Chief and 4chan will be playing the role of Project Mayhem. Update: since this was first greenlit the issue has been resolved, here's hoping some foolishness will result anyhow)

We're setting the betting line again on stories you might hear this week, and dropping odds on which ones will probably shake out and which ones won't:


- First NFL arrest of the preseason (3:1)

- Obscure town gets media coverage for creating a new "world's largest" food item, royally pissing off starving people in countries with no food, like England (7:1)

- Story involving nudity, alcohol, and office supplies (3:1)

- Story involving nudity, alcohol and tasered genitalia (4:1)

- Florida involved in either of the two stories above (1:1)

- Semi-hot teacher nails underage student like a squeaky floorboard in a woodshop (3:2)

- Media dusts off "West Nile Virus will kill you" story from 2008 (4:1)

- Hot white girl abduction newsflash (9:1)

- A tragic reminder of the dangers of drinking and rafting (6:1)

- Darwin award + "alcohol may have been a factor" (2:1)

- Researchers announce findings of groundbreaking study: People Like Sex (7:1)

- Head of AT&T dismayed to find nude photos of himself all over the internet (5:1)



The betting window is now open.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-07-19 to Sat 2009-07-25:

img1.fark.net  Man carrying cross from Maine to Mexico upsets locals, Pontius Pilate    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Astronauts perform spacewalk on Apollo 11 anniversary, since moonwalk would have been tacky, too soon    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Baby born at burger joint. That's one small fry to go    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  California court rules that state can now ban nude sunbathing at all California state beaches; nudist group says its members will be a-peelin'    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Acupuncture helps women conceive. Wouldn't be the first time that conception involved a little prick    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Woman's body found in machine at McDonald's food processing plant. Corporate officials ask for a moment of soylents    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  ♫ When I find my mouth in times of trouble, Rosa's chair for gums and teeth. Screeching drills on wisdoms...dentistry ♫  

img1.fark.net  Research shows adults forget three things a day, such as where they put their house keys, charging their mobile phones, and something else    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Man delivers pizzas to top of Chicago skyscraper, attempting to set record for highest pizza delivery; Guinness rejects record, saying pizzas have been delivered high since at least the 1970s    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  John Barry, inventor of WD-40, dies. Rust in Peace    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  German porn star furious after her name is placed on the ballot without her consent, as politics would ruin her reputation    img.fark.net


Sports:

img1.fark.net  Indians finally release Kobayashi, say they were tired of him always getting them into no-win situations    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Memphis Grizzlies agree to terms with Thabeet, continue negotiations with Yesyesyall and Youdontstop    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Before you get all outraged that Michael Vick is only getting a 4 game suspension, take note that it's a 28 game suspension in dog years    img.fark.net


Geek:

img1.fark.net  A large jet-black spot has suddenly appeared near the south pole of Jupiter. This is not a repeat from 2010    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  MSN Soapbox, Microsoft's YouTube killer, to be shut down. Customers expected to lose access to literally megabytes of irreplaceable videos    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Ion engine ships may power quick trips to Mars. Formations may look something like this: |-o-| [-o-] |-o-|    img.fark.net


Showbiz:

img1.fark.net  Heath Ledger's NYC apartment building sold for $15 million at foreclosure auction. Why SoHo serious?    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick to separate; and here we thought their relationship was stable    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Brad Pitt doesn't believe in God, despite having regular sex with Angelina Jolie    img.fark.net


Politics:

img1.fark.net  Kirk considering a run for Obama's old Senate seat, still weighing the pros and Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaans    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  The National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance has jumped to the defence of Obama's Surgeon General nominee. Wait, jumped?    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  House Demaocrats quit stalin, announce a great leap forward in their five year plan to produce a cultural revolution in our nation's remarxably inefficient healthcare system    img.fark.net


Music:

img1.fark.net  International Mozarteum Foundation announces discovery of two new works composed by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. Suck it, Tupac    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Phil Spector's first wife missing, but he's got a good alibi this time    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Beastie Boys replaced by Jay-Z at All Points West. There hasn't been a substitution this bad since Sarah Chalke replaced Lecy Goranson on Roseanne    img.fark.net


Business:

img1.fark.net  New York criticized for lack of slaughterhouses - even though they do have Newburgh, Troy, Utica and wherever the Mets play in September    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Seagate's revenue imitates its hard drives, crashes    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Chrysler to Match "Cash for Clunkers" incentive. Coincidentally, this is going to be Chrysler's new sales event motto    img.fark.net
· · ·
(view entire blog)


63 Comments   (+0 »)
   

First | « | 1 | 2 | » | Last | Show all
 
2009-07-27 11:35:05 AM
The small fry one shouldn't qualify - that was the actual headline of TFA. Otherwise, good jerb people.
 
2009-07-27 11:38:07 AM
I like the Mets and Chrysler headlines. Got 1 this time, but am saddened my low-riding Mexicans didn't make the cut
 
2009-07-27 11:52:58 AM
Oh, forgot my bet:

- Another Palin gets knocked up (10:1)
- Sarah Palin says something stupid (1:1) (1:50) (all bets are off)
 
2009-07-27 12:15:15 PM
Drew:In politics, you likely won't hear anything at all this week except the healthcare debate. Congress breaks soon and Obama wants action quickly, but there's a metric assload of money associated with it (on both sides of the aisle), so expect the debate about it to rage long and loud and stupid. A lot of people stand to lose if that sacred cow is slaughtered, so remember, no matter what anybody says, it's about the money.

That's the most concise, accurate description I've ever read about the subject. Consider that copied and pasted into many of my e-mails in the near future.
 
2009-07-27 12:21:03 PM
Sorry - it's HARVARD-CAMBRIDGE RACIST COP TEACHABLE MOMENTGATE for the rest of the week.

Culminating in a VERY awkward beer-drinking threeway PR photo op at the White House.

YHIHF.

/No VE? For shame, Drew...
 
2009-07-27 12:26:27 PM
i bet drew gets drunk this week

and i'll wager 5 bucks worth of TF for it
 
2009-07-27 12:39:57 PM
The soylents one made me pee a little.
 
2009-07-27 12:40:21 PM
Head of AT&T dismayed to find nude photos of himself all over the internet (5:1)


I assume this has something to do with AT&T blocking 4chan?
 
2009-07-27 12:47:35 PM
No "Japanese Prime Minister dissolves Parliament. What kind of a solution is that?" ?

That makes me sad :(
 
2009-07-27 01:59:37 PM
I'm going to have to go with "Obama finally admits that he was born in Kenya" if I can get 5:1.
 
2009-07-27 01:59:47 PM
Story involving nudity, alcohol, and office supplies

Whoot!
 
2009-07-27 02:02:33 PM
4chan v. AT&T will likely reflect one of Life's Rules.

Crazy beats big.
 
2009-07-27 02:09:41 PM
Memphis Grizzlies agree to terms with Thabeet, continue negotiations with Yesyesyall and Youdontstop

Thanks for making me laugh while answering the phone at work, subby.
 
2009-07-27 02:11:22 PM
I'm going with:

"Abe Vigoda found dead"
 
2009-07-27 02:12:50 PM
Michael Jackson spotted alive in Aruba, not molesting a little boy, for some strange reason.
 
2009-07-27 02:15:30 PM
Again, i iz reprezented! 3-3, peeps!

/sigh, this is my life
 
2009-07-27 02:16:22 PM
"WHO study shows the deadly swine flu has gripped the entire planet. 95% of the human race now infected and dying. Officials are advising people to not look for evidence of all this actually happening as such activities will be treated as anti-government terrorism"
 
2009-07-27 02:17:27 PM
New disease with an animal in its name debuts and everybody panics. (4:1)
 
2009-07-27 02:18:56 PM
4:1 on West Nile?

The Star Trib already fired off a new article just today after a couple days of rain in the Cities last week.
 
2009-07-27 02:20:47 PM
Drew, you left out the obvious.

Vick $ign$ with $ome team. Goddell $ay$ he'$ learned hi$ le$$on.

Farve $ign$ with Viking$, proceed$ to injure him$elf.
 
2009-07-27 02:27:05 PM
Also,
Third Iranian plane crash kills yet more protesters. (4:1)

Obama admits he was wrong regarding Gates' arrest. (150:1)

Teabaggers who were rebranded Fisters are rebranded again... to Fappers. (15:1)

First lawsuit over MJ's estate. (3:2)

Shuttle lands safely and without incident, headline reads "Why the Shuttle could have exploded" (2:1)
 
2009-07-27 02:29:28 PM
I haven't participated in one of these threads -- can anyone play?

story involving:

Sex, corruption, and the financial collapse (5:1)

News outlet who can't/won't get a Palin interview resorts to interviewing Levi. Unedumacated Levi makes more sense than Sarah (7:1)

Scientologists speak out about the AT&T / 4chan debate, invoking the dreaded Barbara Streisand effect (11:1)

"Whatever hit Jupiter could have just as well hit Earth" scare story (1:2)

Some media pundit compares the freeing of DRM on music to the need to free DRM from ebooks (prolly already submitted, but just not funny enough to go green)

Trifecta of "Boy Scouts rescuing leader/comrade in woods" begins with second story involving a cliff/rattlesnake/large-bottle-of-whiskey (12:1)
 
2009-07-27 02:36:58 PM
DarthBrooks: Sorry - it's HARVARD-CAMBRIDGE RACIST COP TEACHABLE MOMENTGATE for the rest of the week.

Culminating in a VERY awkward beer-drinking threeway PR photo op at the White House.

YHIHF.

/No VE? For shame, Drew...



That's almost a sure bet ... but don't forget they'll sing "Kumbaya" after announcing it is time to move on ...
 
2009-07-27 02:44:04 PM
Submitter gets laid off (4:1)

Politician caught in sex scandal says it's not his/her fault (1:3)

California catches on fire (or, it's August again) (1:2)

Credit card company identifies bug causing the quadrillion dollar charges. Institutes fee to fix it for your account. (1:7)

It's raining somewhere, somehow this is newsworthy (3:5)

Cheney's been out of the news a few days, he'll biatch about something (1:9)

Someone important that no one in Western society currently knows exists, gets killed by extremists. Suddenly, we're all experts (1:3)

Creationists travel to "Science Museum" proceed to make asshats of themselves and call it a successful protest.
 
2009-07-27 02:46:53 PM
SVenus: "Whatever hit Jupiter could have just as well hit Earth" scare story (1:2)

Oooooh, good one
 
2009-07-27 02:48:50 PM
netweavr: California catches on fire (or, it's August again) (1:2)

That's a pretty good one, too. Are we calling Malibu or San Diego? It's almost always one of those two.
 
2009-07-27 02:48:51 PM
Obama takes Chrysler dealership away from FOP officials.(5:1)
 
2009-07-27 02:58:03 PM
Drew is cool.
 
2009-07-27 02:59:42 PM
"New" report out saying there's mercury in fish. Report is plagiarized from last year. (1:12)

North Korea does something stupid (1:1)

PETA protests China's cloning efforts (1:3)

China bans PETA activists entry into the country. (1:7)

PETA protests China's banning them into the country. (2:23)
 
2009-07-27 02:59:45 PM
RedSox take AL East lead over struggling Yankees (7:1)

World Record catfish caught in Ohio river (100:1)

Russia and China oppose U.S./Britan call for U.N. sanctions on (pick typical hotspot) (10:1)

"Hot weather causes heat strokes" story (1:1)
 
2009-07-27 03:02:11 PM
A Republican Role Model of Decency and Morality Shows Up at a Emergency Room with a Plastic Jesus Stuck in His Rectum (1:2)
 
2009-07-27 03:05:45 PM
Hmmm... Drew is Unfreakable. Unfreakable is Drew (10:1)
 
2009-07-27 03:06:16 PM
TheShavingofOccam123: A Republican Role Model of Decency and Morality Shows Up at a Emergency Room with a Plastic Jesus Stuck in His Rectum (1:2)

I LOLed. Would that the the Appalacian Emergency Room?
 
2009-07-27 03:07:39 PM
We're about due for one of these:

Land that was, 150 years ago, deemed usable for 120 years is no longer producing adequate farms. Locals shocked blame drought and lack of Federal subsidies. (1:12)
 
2009-07-27 03:10:08 PM
Counties in California lay-off 30% of their teachers to adjust to budget cuts (1:2)

California increases requirements to obtain a teaching credential. (1:8)

California complains about a lack of qualified teachers (1:5)
 
2009-07-27 03:10:35 PM
Media buries Gates/Cop story after it sheds Gates/Obama in negative light. (1:1)

/not so much about politics as about negative Obama stories not selling ads.
 
2009-07-27 03:15:11 PM
Cat Food Sandwiches: TheShavingofOccam123: A Republican Role Model of Decency and Morality Shows Up at a Emergency Room with a Plastic Jesus Stuck in His Rectum (1:2)

I LOLed. Would that the the Appalacian Emergency Room?


It would indeed. "I fell on it."
 
2009-07-27 03:24:08 PM
xanadian: The soylents one made me pee a little.

This. I think it was the best out of the lot.

/will be looking for it come HOTY
 
2009-07-27 03:26:02 PM
- Story involving nudity, alcohol, and office supplies (3:1)

- Story involving nudity, alcohol and tasered genitalia (4:1)

- Florida involved in either of the two stories above (1:1)


Specifically, Pinellas or Hillsborough counties of Florida (1:3)
 
2009-07-27 03:27:02 PM
We haven't had a good Hurricane or California fire story yet.
 
2009-07-27 03:31:46 PM
I think the hurricanes will be another month.
 
2009-07-27 03:36:49 PM
That last one is way too specific.
 
2009-07-27 03:37:19 PM
Back-to-school articles claiming imminent danger from school buses, back packs, killer bees, and/or killer-bee controlling insecticides at school (2:1)
 
2009-07-27 03:45:03 PM
TheShavingofOccam123: Cat Food Sandwiches: TheShavingofOccam123: A Republican Role Model of Decency and Morality Shows Up at a Emergency Room with a Plastic Jesus Stuck in His Rectum (1:2)

I LOLed. Would that the the Appalacian Emergency Room?

It would indeed. "I fell on it."


"Million-to-one shot, doc!"
 
2009-07-27 03:52:20 PM
HaywoodJablonski: Hmmm... Drew is Unfreakable. Unfreakable is Drew (10:1)

Heh, [unlikely].

But I do help with the HOW and HOY contests.
 
2009-07-27 03:59:34 PM
netweavr: Submitter gets laid off (4:1)

Drew is going to fire himself?
 
2009-07-27 03:59:36 PM
Deny it all you want. I want the long form birth certificate first
 
2009-07-27 04:05:42 PM
netweavr: Vick $ign$ with $ome team. Goddell $ay$ he'$ learned hi$ le$$on.

Ha!

I just checked ESPN.
 
2009-07-27 04:10:00 PM
HaywoodJablonski: Deny it all you want. I want the long form birth certificate first

Look, this issue has been put to bed a number of times. It's been reported on by the New York Times, CNN, and even on Snopes. There was a birth announcement in the paper. IT'S BEEN DEBUNKED
 
2009-07-27 04:11:29 PM
Plus, I'm older than Drew by a few years.
 
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