Lots happening in the news last week, but very little of it original. Michael Jackson is still dead -- for now, at least -- nobody is sure how Iran will shake out, and North Korea's tantrums are comical, and with Kim Jong Il being sick with possible pancreatic cancer and having only two weeks
six months five years to live, the speculation could last a while.

But the media doesn't need to worry about any of that, because they're sitting pretty with a full week of Sotomayor confirmation hearings. Also, publicists are working overtime for the summer movies, so expect more bullshiat stories about anybody related to any of the following upcoming movies: Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, The Ugly Truth, Funny People, and Inglourious Basterds. Oh, and Lady Gaga will be in the news again, primarily on the basis of her main talent, which is being in the news.

More than ever, it helps to have a handy guide to let you know what to look for, so this week Fark is setting the betting line on stories you will might hear this week, and dropping odds on which ones will probably shake out and which ones won't:

- Shark attack makes national news (2:1)

- Said shark attack does not involve actual injury except to surfboard (4:1)

- Dubious connection made between Michael Jackson's death and global warming (3:2)

- Errant North Korea test rocket inadvertently sinks one of its own ships (85:1)

- Fairly hot female teacher taps underage student like he was a fraternity keg (3:2)

- Shaquille O'Neal practices with Cleveland Cavaliers, promptly injures finger tweeting it (3:1)

- Nudity + driving arrest (5:4)

- Major scientific breakthrough rescinded two days after being announced (9:1)

- Female entertainer suggests she likes to play for both teams *wink* (3:2)

- A tragic reminder of the dangers of car surfing (5:1)

- Darwin award + "alcohol may have been a factor" (2:1)

- Embarrassing keg stand photos of Sotomayor revealed during confirmation (207:1)

So that's all we have for now. Place your bets, we may have a busy week.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-07-05 to Sat 2009-07-11:

  Midgets call on the FCC to legally, most regally, reliably, certifiably, undeniably ban the word Midget    

  Man has five kidneys. Says he'd rather have five penises so his pants would fit like a glove    

  Cops cite a woman after she was singing an expletive-filled N.W.A. song. Talk about a bad rap    

  Two-year-old boy's body stolen from grave; authorities dispatched to the Staples Center as a precautionary measure    

  Drunken farm tractor driver leads police on slow chase; police await official results of BAC test, but expect driver was really plowed    

  "Baby Floats Recalled." Maybe the root beer was too warm and the babies melted    

  Orlando among the worst on list of cities with best drivers. Submitter laughs at these bad drivers, and can even post on Fark while d    

  There is a wallaby loose in Muncie, Indiana. Last seen hanging out with a turtle and a cow near a comic book store    

  Dead in Chicago suburb rise from the grave. You'd think it was election day    

  Patronizing Tijuana hookers while on drugs may be unhealthy, according to Dr. N.S. Sherlock, of the Doy Institute    

  Gay couple handcuffed and cited for trespassing after one kissed the other on the cheek in the Mormon temple plaza. Church officials say they've never seen such an inappropriate display in all their wives    


Sports:

  Indians GM: Wedge's job safe for rest of year. After helping blow up two Death Stars, it should be    

  Horse dies in chuckwagon race. Failed to escape from family dog by running under dining room table    

  Monica Seles gets to take a stab at a Hall of Fame acceptance speech    


Geek:

  New device monitors your heart rate and posts it on Twitter. If only they had these when Abe Vigoda was alive    

  Good language skills in your youth may stave off Alzheimer's later. Good news for us people who have a way with words, not so much for those of you who...um...not have way, I guess    

  New software lets you send voice-activated text messages from your cell phone. Finally, a way to use your voice on your cell phone    


Showbiz:

  Al Sharpton demands "Michael Jackson" postage stamp, so little boys can lick him    

  ♫ Spider bite ♫ Spider bite ♫ It was just an injection site ♫ Drug abuse, he denied ♫ But it seems MJ lied ♫ Look out ♫ That's not a spider bite ♫  

  Austrians think Bruno is pretty funny. But then, they also think Vegemite is edible    


Politics:

  White House, hospitals reach deal on health care. Vice President Joe Biden announced the deal at the White House today, so expect a retraction from Obama shortly    

  John the Maverick, Caribou Barbie, Joe the Plumber and now Fireman Frank. This isn't a political party, it's an episode of Pee Wee's Playhouse    

  NY Times reveals that it was Cheney who ordered the CIA to lie to Congress. This revelation is about as surprising as a totally unsurprising thing that isn't at all suprising    


Music:

  "Nine Inch Nails announce intimate US shows." Intimate like an animal, I hope    

  George Fullerton, the musician who helped Leo Fender create his guitars, dies at the age of 86. I'm gonna pick up my Rock Band Fender Stratocaster and play you a song. Red blue, green, blue, orange. That was for you, buddy    

  Jay-Z close to signing a book deal. It's got 99 chapters, but a page ain't one    


Business:

  Oil under $60 on news that Obama and Sarkozy reach 17-year Brazilian drilling agreement    

  Walgreen's opens first Alaskan store in Wasilla after it became obvious last year that the community needed greater access to birth control and magazines    

  Rent-to-own stores thriving in latest proof that Americans aren't getting any better at math    
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