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How the news has become a Cracked.com Top 10 list. Plus Headlines of the Week 
Posted by Drew at 2009-07-06 1:30:45 PM, edited 2009-07-06 2:05:17 PM (52 comments) | Permalink
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11601 clicks; posted to Main » on 06 Jul 2009 at 1:37 PM (5 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



The Mainstream Media has been so dominated by weird celebrity deaths that there isn't much to talk about. I'm not aware of any stories where embellishment beyond a sentence or two would be anything other than repetition. What little real news exists is so easy to sum up, it feels like it'd fit in a Cracked.com Top Ten list.

10. Robert Macnamara
He was still alive? Everyone under 40 scratches their heads wondering who he was. Everyone over 40 is too busy getting the grey out of their hair and popping blue pills to care anymore.

9. iPhone 3G - is it faster?
Yes. Yes it is.

8. Swine flu - still going to kill us all*
(* as long as you have "serious underlying health problems")

7. McNair (not McNabb, or McDonald for that matter) - WTF?
You know how it's a murder-suicide? When the police come out and say directly "We haven't yet ruled it a murder-suicide."

6. Mark Sanford
The guy was given a gift from god in the form of Michael Jackson's death, and he ruined it by opening his big mouth. It's as if he likes being beat up by the media.

5. Fuss about Iran but not Honduras
Honduras doesn't have a nuclear weapons program. Or oil. End of story.

4. Running of the Bulls Starts today
Get ready for two weeks of crotch-punching photos of gore making the rounds on MSM.

3. Shark attacks
The old MSM standby. A woman was attacked by one this weekend, but too many celebrity deaths prevented it from getting any traction. The next one should fire up the shark season - especially if it's a celebrity who gets chewed up by one.

2. Palin - WTF?
Personally my money's on her having taken advice to get out of a position to make decisions where she could be attacked for them in
the next election. It's a much less interesting reason than most pundits would like but I suspect that's it.

1. Michael Jackson
Yup, he's still dead. If anyone has anything hugely embarrassing to announce that might impact a national or world stage, tomorrow is the day to do it.

Maybe next week we'll have some more complicated issues to discuss. Or maybe we'll get lucky and we won't. Living in Interesting Times is overrated.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-06-28 to Sat 2009-07-04:

img1.fark.net  Aussie adults fail spelling bee. How embaras- embarrras- shameful    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Woman's cancer vanishes after prayers to 19th-century priest. Church to consider "Post hoc ergo propter hoc"    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Two federal lawsuits allege using a dog's discerning crotch-sniffing ability to identify suspects in "scent lineups" is nothing more than junk science    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  We regret to inform you that your Czechs have bounced    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  CNBC host complains "anonymous bloggers" have been mocking him and his show, saying he looks like Beaker from the Muppets. Ends up in a train wreck of a rant that... MEEP, MEEP, MEEP, MEEP, MEEP    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  It costs $900 to haul a dead body to the morgue in Chicago - not including cab fare to the voting booth    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Man gets charged with 9th DUI while serving time for 8th DUI, gets crowned king of Wisconsin    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Fortune teller convinces teenage girls that having sex with him will make wishes come true. Of course, he didn't say whose wishes    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  One British child under the age of 12 needs hospital treatment every 48 hours for drinking too much. You'd think he'd have learned his lesson by now    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Misplaced period lands man in jail, rather than the more traditional marriage    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Guy tries to go fishing with dynamite, winds up getting real chummy with the fish    img.fark.net


Sports:

img1.fark.net  Researchers determine what makes a great football player. That's football as in 'soccer', so weighing 380lbs and being able to lumber around for up to eight seconds before needing sideline oxygen did not figure    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Phillies' Bastardo aches from ailing shoulder, lack of Father's Day celebration    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Former Yankee Jim Leyritz charged with battery. First steroids in baseball, now there were robots too?    img.fark.net


Geek:

img1.fark.net  Acer to overtake Dell as number two PC maker. Confused subby thought they were always a number two PC maker    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Scientists release several hundred guppies into two rivers, one with predators and one without, to see how they adapt. After some interesting initial results, researchers ready for betta testing    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  AOL accused of secretly upgrading old customers and threatening them with mystery bills. Choose your headline ending: (A) In other news, AOL is still around; (B) No, this is not a repeat from 1995; (C) You've got blackmail    img.fark.net


Showbiz:

img1.fark.net  I see a bad film a-risin' / I see a bomb on the way / I see CG and bad lighting / I see bad reviews today    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Amy Adams to star in a new movie about boxing. She'll play a "tough, gritty bartender" who's a former high-jumper. Good role for a woman who's barely over five feet and about as gritty as a ShamWow    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Shrek sidekick Donkey voted the most-loved movie animal, slightly ahead of Joan Cusack    img.fark.net


Politics:

img1.fark.net  Obama announces plans to vacation on Cape Cod this year instead of making usual pilgrimage to Mecca    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Mark Sanford says that his Argentinean mistress is his soul mate, forgetting that as a politician he has no soul    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Both John Ensign and Mark Sanford are part of a secretive church called the Family that believes the free market is sacred. Apparently Jesus is cool with adultery but not Social Security    img.fark.net


Music:

img1.fark.net  Michael Jackson set to release his boobieshumous album    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Iron Maiden and ACDC competing for 'band of the year' honours. This is not a repeat from 1981    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Amy Winehouse is coming out with a line of greeting cards. Under NO circumstances should you lick the envelope    img.fark.net


Business:

img1.fark.net  Bernie Madoff sentenced to 150 years of having massive amounts of capital injected into his backdoor hedge fund    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Unemployed newspaper reporters increasingly turning to crack, shoplifting meat and sleeping in ATMs, just like every other liberal arts graduate in the universe    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Gerry Pasciucco's mission: Unwind AIG's portfolio of 44,000 long-dated derivatives with a notional value of $2 trillion, close the unit, then fire everyone and resign. His next trick will be to invent a perpetual motion machine    img.fark.net
· · ·
(view entire blog)


52 Comments   (+0 »)
   

First | « | 1 | 2 | » | Last | Show all
 
2009-07-06 01:38:29 PM  
#7: McNair?
 
2009-07-06 01:38:38 PM  
always?
 
2009-07-06 01:38:45 PM  
did somebody kill donovan mcnabb?
 
2009-07-06 01:39:14 PM  
7. McNair - WTF?
You know how it's a murder-suicide? When the police come out and say directly "We haven't yet ruled it a murder-suicide."


FTFY
 
2009-07-06 01:39:51 PM  
albo: did somebody kill donovan mcnabb?

OMG these things happen in threes!

who's the next black NFL QB to die?!?!?!?
 
2009-07-06 01:39:56 PM  
Wait, McNabb got killed too?!?!
 
2009-07-06 01:40:05 PM  
I heard Megan Fox still swings both ways, guys.
 
2009-07-06 01:40:27 PM  
That's funny...of the "Top X" Cracked articles linked here, almost none are Top 10.

/Letterman
//Didn't hear about #10 passing, but(t) fark him anyway
 
2009-07-06 01:41:11 PM  
who's the next black NFL QB to die?!?!?!?

i'm sure every whiny redskins fan will say "jason campbell"
 
2009-07-06 01:41:17 PM  
7. McNabb McNair - WTF?

Although the original was very much WTF, I had to fix it, sorry.
 
2009-07-06 01:41:25 PM  
You're totally right, the news isn't funny either.
 
2009-07-06 01:41:55 PM  
TeddyRooseveltsMustache: I heard Megan Fox still swings both ways, guys.

and Jeff Goldblum died
 
2009-07-06 01:42:54 PM  
Drew obviously isn't a golfer.
 
2009-07-06 01:43:40 PM  
7. McNabb - WTF?

Drinking early today, I see
 
2009-07-06 01:43:45 PM  
Di Atribe: #7: McNair?

Yeah came here to make that comment.

Also for #5, I know a lot more people from Iran than people from Hondorous. I think that China has the same situation with their uprising now, Persians are just really personable on the whole.
 
2009-07-06 01:43:52 PM  
DaScribbler: albo: did somebody kill donovan mcnabb?

OMG these things happen in threes!

who's the next black NFL QB to die?!?!?!?


A pit bull will track down Vick, if there's any justice

And Fark bites Drew on the rump, may want to fix that Drew, half the comments are about it already, it's just gonna get worse
 
2009-07-06 01:44:54 PM  
Enrico Pallazzo: 7. McNabb - WTF?

Drinking early today, I see


If only we were so lucky.
 
2009-07-06 01:45:39 PM  
Did anyone mention something about black quarterbacks
 
2009-07-06 01:46:19 PM  
So Michael Jackson died from self-inflicted swine flu?
 
2009-07-06 01:46:50 PM  
What, the flock of seagulls one didn't make it to headlines of the week? Even though it didn't fully attach to the article, I thought it was damn funny.
 
2009-07-06 01:47:25 PM  
Honduras

/agrees
 
2009-07-06 01:48:00 PM  
I blame Fark.
 
2009-07-06 01:48:15 PM  
I know some people in Philly who would be suspects in a McNabb killing. Maybe 2 million of them.

//Giants fan
 
2009-07-06 01:48:37 PM  
netweavr: Drew obviously isn't a golfer.

Nothing like a nice night at the golf course, wearing rented shoes, while the kids play in the lane with the bumpers in it.

www.livincool.com

RIP Donovan MacGyver


Boy I'll miss Donovan MacGyver and the way he through the shuttlecock.
 
2009-07-06 01:49:02 PM  
HulkHands: Did anyone mention something about black quarterbacks

You know what they call a quarterback in France? They've got the metric system over there so they call them a royaleback.
 
2009-07-06 01:49:58 PM  
No mention of Billy Mays?
 
2009-07-06 01:51:07 PM  
BrianVan: I know some people in Philly who would be suspects in a McNabb killing. Maybe 2 million of them.

//Giants fan


Hey, forgive us for expecting someone who has a $120 million contract to be able to hit a receiver on a 10 yard post pattern
 
2009-07-06 01:52:25 PM  
Donovan MacGyver's dead?

Damn! I loved "Hurdy Gurdy Man"!

...and how he could be a secret agent without a gun. That was cool too.
 
2009-07-06 01:53:34 PM  
deebee230: No mention of Billy Mays?

No joke! That headline "Celebs normally die in 3s, leave it to Billy Mays to throw in one ABSOLUTELY FREE!!!" has been a tell all joke for me :)
 
2009-07-06 01:54:57 PM  
PAPA SMURF IS DEAD?!
 
2009-07-06 01:56:17 PM  
Michael Jackson killed Donovan McNabb?
 
2009-07-06 01:58:07 PM  
There's a sale at Penny's!

farm3.static.flickr.com
 
2009-07-06 02:02:16 PM  
HulkHands: Did anyone mention something about black quarterbacks

I think Rush Limbaugh did.
 
2009-07-06 02:08:26 PM  
Di Atribe: #7: McNair?

i635.photobucket.com
 
2009-07-06 02:12:21 PM  
strothgar: RIP Donovan MacGyver

Carolton's dead?
 
2009-07-06 02:12:42 PM  
ColSanders: Michael Jackson killed Donovan McNabb?

Wait, Donovan McNabb killed Sarah Palin after Michael Jackson resigned?
 
2009-07-06 02:18:42 PM  
oldfarthenry
So Michael Jackson died from self-inflicted swine flu?


Nah. He was killed by WMD wielding sharks wearing saddles with (insert Democrat, republican, or independent name) riding on top cracking a whip
 
2009-07-06 02:21:54 PM  
R.I.P. Donovan McNabb


ballsiest.com
 
2009-07-06 02:27:46 PM  
farm3.static.flickr.com
Damn you Refrigerator Perry! Why?!
 
2009-07-06 02:27:59 PM  
Bummed I missed the maiden/acdc thread.

Wearing a pair of Iron Maiden Vans right now so I could literally get a kick etc...
 
2009-07-06 02:59:44 PM  
Every time I think Goodhair can't possbly f*ck things up any more than he already has (succession threats, really?) he comes along and tries for another great leap backwards towards the Dark Ages.

And half of the state follows him.

*weep*
 
2009-07-06 03:00:36 PM  
Eddie_Dean_NY: Every time I think Goodhair can't possbly f*ck things up any more than he already has (succession threats, really?) he comes along and tries for another great leap backwards towards the Dark Ages.

And half of the state follows him.

*weep*


Whoops, wrong thread.

Sorry Drew.
 
2009-07-06 03:06:42 PM  
at least we're done discussing the hair plug + reverse mullet known as Jon + Kate.



Newman died?
 
2009-07-06 03:09:32 PM  
9. iPhone 3G - is it faster?
Yes. Yes it is.


It's a "3G S", not 3G, but correct on the faster part.

/Love mine!
//Much easier to post from now
 
2009-07-06 03:34:22 PM  
The iPhone coverage has been a great example of "advertising disguised as news." It should be "Exhibit A" from now on.
 
2009-07-06 03:59:40 PM  
5. Fuss about Iran but not Honduras

How about, "because their government is working the way it's supposed to"?

Their constitution says a president gets one term, and one term only. Also that a president may not propose a constitutional change without congressional approval. Also that if a president oversteps his bounds, the congress or high court may remove him.

The president decided to pull a Hugo Chavez and hold a vote on a constitutional change anyway, one that would have given him more than one term. The congress told him "no, you can't do that," and he went ahead and did it anyway. The army said "that's against the law, we're not cooperating" and he removed the army's leaders. So their supreme court stepped in and removed him, as well as reinstating the army's leader. Everything worked exactly the way their constitution said it was supposed to. I see no reason why the US should get involved.
 
2009-07-06 04:12:00 PM  
yawn, another libertardian...
 
2009-07-06 04:36:49 PM  
Eh?
 
2009-07-06 05:44:39 PM  
Ponzholio: Di Atribe: #7: McNair?

HAHAHA... that is terrible
 
2009-07-06 07:25:22 PM  
2. Palin - WTF? Personally my money's on her having taken advice to get out of a position to make decisions where she could be attacked for them in the next election. It's a much less interesting reason than most pundits would like but I suspect that's it.
Whereas other people, like me, assume she stepped down because of the reasons she actually gave for stepping down.

Jeez, doesn't anybody actually listen to what people say anymore? Minutes after she gave her speech, every news station's headline was "Palin's reason for leaving unclear", like they were too retarded to understand spoken English. Or more probably, simply ignored everything she said.
 
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