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(AFP)   Turns out that not only wasn't Jesus a red-blooded American, he spoke some crazy foreign language that almost no one speaks anymore. Next thing you know, they'll say he wasn't even a Christian   (news.yahoo.com) divider line 268
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15945 clicks; posted to Main » on 09 May 2009 at 12:40 PM (5 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2009-05-09 09:33:05 AM
I'm going to get a serious kick out of Jesus coming back to Earth only to end up detained under vague terrorism charges.

By his followers.
 
2009-05-09 09:44:07 AM
Stay Cool Babylon: I'm going to get a serious kick out of Jesus coming back to Earth only to end up detained under vague terrorism charges.

For all we know, he's been locked away in Gitmo for years. Probably been waterboarded a few times, although that may not have proven particularly effective on him.
 
2009-05-09 09:44:38 AM
I do not think that the statues of Jesus that I see around here are what he probably looked like. But maybe people just make him look like the way they look so they feel more comfortable about him. Because sometimes we are scared of things that are not like us so we try to make them like us. If some people would travel to the other countries more they may see that it is not bad for Jesus to be from any place because everyone are people!
 
2009-05-09 09:51:11 AM
Is it difficult to maintain that persona?
 
2009-05-09 09:57:32 AM
meow said the dog: I do not think that the statues of Jesus that I see around here are what he probably looked like.

I'm inclined to think he looked like Shepard Smith.
 
2009-05-09 10:01:49 AM
Secret Agent X23: meow said the dog: I do not think that the statues of Jesus that I see around here are what he probably looked like.

I'm inclined to think he looked like Shepard Smith.


My friend says he was a carpenter so maybe like carpenter Smith?
 
2009-05-09 10:02:45 AM
Nephi fumes.
 
2009-05-09 10:08:09 AM
Of course he was a Christian. Anyone that successful has to believe in himself.
 
2009-05-09 10:15:54 AM
Pocket Ninja: For all we know, he's been locked away in Gitmo for years. Probably been waterboarded a few times, although that may not have proven particularly effective on him.

Na, he would have turned the water into wine and got soused.
 
2009-05-09 10:23:22 AM
Actually he wasn't a Christian, no such thing back in the day, he was Jewish...and of course there was that Son of God/God himself business as well.
 
2009-05-09 10:24:26 AM
Probably been waterboarded a few times, although that may not have proven particularly effective on him.

ZING!

meow said the dog: I do not think that the statues of Jesus that I see around here are what he probably looked like. But maybe people just make him look like the way they look so they feel more comfortable about him. Because sometimes we are scared of things that are not like us so we try to make them like us. If some people would travel to the other countries more they may see that it is not bad for Jesus to be from any place because everyone are people!

Anthropomorphism (IIRC). Remember, if chickens and elephants could make their own gods, they'd look like...chickens and elephants.
 
2009-05-09 10:26:10 AM
damat01: Actually he wasn't a Christian, no such thing back in the day, he was Jewish...and of course there was that Son of God/God himself business as well.

No headline gets past you, does it? lol, just busting chops.

/not subby
 
2009-05-09 10:32:49 AM
Stay Cool Babylon: Remember, if chickens and elephants could make their own gods, they'd look like...chickens and elephants.

Ganesh?
 
2009-05-09 10:37:14 AM
Jesus was a blond hair blue eyed white man.
Some people get confused by thinking he must have had the physical characteristics of the people from the land of his birth. This line of thought is wrong.

Jesus was the son of God and everyone knows God is as white snow. Now you may be thinking, 'OK so God is white, what about Jesus mother, she was an Arab?'. Come on now, think about it for a minute. Do you really believe that the virgin Mary had any dominate genetic traits that could possibly override the perfect DNA of God?
 
2009-05-09 10:37:16 AM
HowlingFrog: Ganesh?


No thanks. A lamb gyro would be great, though.

/groan
 
2009-05-09 10:39:45 AM
n3t.net
 
Bek
2009-05-09 10:42:42 AM
Bored Horde

Your jib is fashioned in ways which please me.
 
2009-05-09 11:35:09 AM
Blasphemy. Jesus was American, Christian, Southern and Republican. All real Americans know this.

rainandtherhinoceros.files.wordpress.com
 
2009-05-09 11:40:41 AM
meow said the dog: Secret Agent X23: meow said the dog: I do not think that the statues of Jesus that I see around here are what he probably looked like.

I'm inclined to think he looked like Shepard Smith.

My friend says he was a carpenter so maybe like carpenter Smith?


I thought we settled this some time ago and it was determined that he looks like a dog's asshole.

img8.imageshack.us
 
2009-05-09 11:55:55 AM
Pocket Ninja: Stay Cool Babylon: I'm going to get a serious kick out of Jesus coming back to Earth only to end up detained under vague terrorism charges.

For all we know, he's been locked away in Gitmo for years. Probably been waterboarded a few times, although that may not have proven particularly effective on him.


That would be a beautiful moment of realization for the neocons.
 
2009-05-09 12:43:59 PM
Jesus was a Jew who looked more like Bin Laden than like any of the European paintings of him.

/I've heard arguments by stupid fundies that KJ version of the Bible is the only true bible because it was written in Jesus's English.
 
2009-05-09 12:45:14 PM
Pocket Ninja: Stay Cool Babylon: I'm going to get a serious kick out of Jesus coming back to Earth only to end up detained under vague terrorism charges.

For all we know, he's been locked away in Gitmo for years. Probably been waterboarded a few times, although that may not have proven particularly effective on him.


Wouldn't surprise me even one bit.
 
2009-05-09 12:45:19 PM
I heard some Jew-hating nutjob made a movie about him that wasn't even in English.
 
2009-05-09 12:45:27 PM
In fact, Jesus didn't even mean to start a new religion, he wanted to reform the Jewish religion. Christianity didn't split from Judaism for several years after his ascension into Heaven (or after he died, whichever you chose to believe.) They were a sect of Jews known as Christian Jews.
 
2009-05-09 12:46:30 PM
meow said the dog: Secret Agent X23: meow said the dog: I do not think that the statues of Jesus that I see around here are what he probably looked like.

I'm inclined to think he looked like Shepard Smith.

My friend says he was a carpenter so maybe like carpenter Smith?


Uh oh....

i105.photobucket.com
 
2009-05-09 12:47:26 PM
Mordant: Pocket Ninja: Stay Cool Babylon: I'm going to get a serious kick out of Jesus coming back to Earth only to end up detained under vague terrorism charges.

For all we know, he's been locked away in Gitmo for years. Probably been waterboarded a few times, although that may not have proven particularly effective on him.

That would be a beautiful moment of realization for the neocons.


He was whipped and executed by religious leaders the last time he was here.
 
2009-05-09 12:47:31 PM
If there's one thing I know in my life it's that language is incredibly vibrant and fluid; many subtleties of meaning are lost by removing even a single word from its temporal context.

So, bless their hearts and good luck with that.
 
2009-05-09 12:47:55 PM
Secret Agent X23: meow said the dog: I do not think that the statues of Jesus that I see around here are what he probably looked like.

I'm inclined to think he looked like Shepard Smith.


Or perhaps Shepard Book?

screenrant.com

/bring back firefly!
 
2009-05-09 12:49:05 PM
damat01: Actually he wasn't a Christian, no such thing back in the day, he was Jewish

Yes, thank you Ted, that was the joke
 
2009-05-09 12:50:31 PM
mmagdalene: If there's one thing I know in my life it's that language is incredibly vibrant and fluid; many subtleties of meaning are lost by removing even a single word from its temporal context.

So, bless their hearts and good luck with that.



Nothing to say, really, other than that I just find it beautifully apropos that you are posting in this thread.
 
2009-05-09 12:51:16 PM
heinekenftw: In fact, Jesus didn't even mean to start a new religion, he wanted to reform the Jewish religion. Christianity didn't split from Judaism for several years after his ascension into Heaven (or after he died, whichever you chose to believe.) They were a sect of Jews known as Christian Jews.

This.
 
2009-05-09 12:52:38 PM
"Kids, let me tell you about another so-called 'wicked' guy. He had long hair and some wild ideas. He didn't always do what other people thought was right. And that man's name was... I forget. But the point is... I forget that, too. Marge, you know what I'm talking about. He used to drive that blue car?"
 
2009-05-09 12:54:01 PM
Turns out that not only wasn't Jesus a red-blooded American,

img24.imageshack.us

It's your soul Subby. I think you need to recant that statement.
 
2009-05-09 12:55:18 PM
Nothing new with the Israel's illegal treatment of Biram and the Maronites.

So, just how does one say "Ein Volk, Ein Reich" in Hebrew?
 
2009-05-09 12:56:45 PM
Lionel Mandrake: Blasphemy. Jesus was American, Christian, Southern and Republican. All real Americans know this.

Jesus is Bobby Jindal?
 
2009-05-09 12:56:56 PM
Being that he wasn't around a couple hundred years later when the Roman government drafted the New Testament, I'd say that he wasn't a Christian. I don't think he really cared for the Roman government anyway after that little crucifixion fiasco.
 
2009-05-09 12:56:59 PM
Lionel Mandrake: Blasphemy. Jesus was American, Christian, Southern and Republican. All real Some Americans know actually believe this.
 
2009-05-09 12:58:28 PM
mynameist: Being that he wasn't around a couple hundred years later when the Roman government drafted the New Testament, I'd say that he wasn't a Christian. I don't think he really cared for the Roman government anyway after that little crucifixion fiasco.

Nah, he was cool with it. Forgiving was kinda his whole deal if I recall correctly. Or was that that Thor guy.... I always get them confused.
 
2009-05-09 12:58:55 PM
www.myspacemega.com

/Link is hotter than hell
 
2009-05-09 12:59:06 PM
If you think that's bad just wait until they realize that 'Christ' is a title and not a last name.

/and a number of people held that title
 
2009-05-09 01:01:00 PM
msheda: that only means he wont pay retail for his cross

"You call this wine? It's all sour, like vinegar! This wood grain on this cross is chaffing my anus! Look at this loincloth, it's soiled! Roman hospitality, I tell ya."
 
2009-05-09 01:01:01 PM
Who the heck ever said that he was a white American who spoke English and was Christian?

If you really think that, you're an ass.

if you think that other people think that you're a double-ass.
 
2009-05-09 01:01:09 PM
Next you idiots are going to say Obama is black. Which in reality he is more white then he is black.

Proof: He can complete and formulate a grammatically correct sentence and he has a job.

www.odessastreet.net2.bp.blogspot.com

/burn!
//hot,hot,hot
 
2009-05-09 01:01:16 PM
i617.photobucket.com

Fact is, if Jesus were around today he would carry an M16, just like the rest of the Jews in Israel. That seems pretty close to red blooded American to me, minus the delicious cheeseburgers and pepperoni pizzas.
 
2009-05-09 01:01:21 PM
http-server.carleton.ca
 
2009-05-09 01:01:28 PM
In other news, it has been suggested he might not even be anglo-saxon!
 
2009-05-09 01:01:41 PM
True story...

For a long time I worked in an art gallery. One portrait we had was of Christ, long robes, coming out from the tomb. Thing is, this Christ had distinctly non-white features. On at least two different occasions I overheard this statement: "That's a great portrait, but I won't buy it because that Jesus looks too Jewish."
 
2009-05-09 01:02:12 PM
***Spoiler alert***

Jesus is the sun, anthropomorphized, whose life is a series of allegorical myths involving the sun's movement in the sky, including the "death" of the sun, and it's "resurrection" three days later on the winter solstice. The three wise men are the stars in orion's belt (which are still known as the "three kings"), which point to the star Sirius, the brightest star, located in the east. These 4 stars point to the location of the rising sun on Dec. 25th, marking the coming of spring and life and warmth.

Jesus, the man, never existed. He was a myth, patchworked from the myths thousands of years before he was said to have existed, a notable one being Horus, the sun God of ancient Egypt and the messiah of his time.
 
2009-05-09 01:02:33 PM
Thanks, spidermilk, for posting that pic right before my post!
 
2009-05-09 01:03:24 PM
www.scumdoctor.com
Not surprised.
 
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