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(Yahoo)   Scientist seeks world's funniest joke--Smutty and offensive jokes not accepted   (uk.news.yahoo.com) divider line 311
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2904 clicks; posted to Main » on 06 Sep 2001 at 12:00 AM (12 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2001-09-06 01:27:30 PM
A day before his 15th birthday, the son of a wealthy family was asked by his father, `Well my son, what would you like for your birthday?'

The son hesitated a moment and his father's thoughts leapt ahead to a new computer and similar things. However, his son had had a new computer only recently and could have a new one any time he wished.

Finally, the son said, `Father, I have everything a boy could wish for, but there is one thing I would really like. I would love to have a pink ping pong ball.'

The father was rather astonished at this wish, but said, `If it is a pink ping pong ball that you want, a pink ping pong ball you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the son was given as his bithday present a pink ping pong ball.

The boy took the ball to his room and the next morning the pink ping pong ball was gone. The father was mildly surprised but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong ball, however, was never seen again.

The next year, a day before his 16th birthday, the father asked his son what he would like for his birthday.

`Father,' replied the son, `I have everything a boy could possibly wish for, but there is one thing I would really, really like. I would love to have a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.'

The father was more surprised than the year before, but kept his curiosity at bay, for he knew that his son had a right for privacy. he said therefore, `If it is a tenpack of pink ping pong balls that you want, a tenpack of pink ping pong balls you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the son was given as his birthday present a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.

The boy took the tenpack of balls to his room and the next morning, not a single ball remained, merely the empty husk of the tenpack. The father wondered where ten pink ping pong balls might disappear to, but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong balls, however, were never seen again.

The next year, a day before his 17th birthday, the son was asked by his father what he would like for his birthday.

`Father,' said the son to this, `I have everything a boy could wish for, but one thing would make my happiness complete. I would dearly want a carton of pink ping pong balls.'

The father was beyond surprise, but decided to make sure he had not misheard. `A carton of pink ping pong balls?'

`A carton of pink ping pong balls,' the boy confirmed.

`I can't understand your fascination with pink ping pong balls,' said the father, `but if it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you want, it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the boy was given as his birthday present a carton of pink ping pong balls.

The boy was delighted and took the carton to his room. The next day, miraculously (as if by magic, even) the pink ping pong balls had all disappeared.

`Dear son,' said the father, `I must ask now, what do you do with all those pink ping pong balls?'

The son, however, was reluctant to tell him. `Please humour me, dear father.'

The carton of pink ping pong balls, however, was never seen again.

The next year, it was clear that the son would get a car, but the father felt that, perhaps, his son also had some other wish apart from the obvious. So, one day before the son's 18th birthday, the father asked him whether he had a special wish for his birthday.

`Dearest father,' the son started, `I have everything a young man could possibly want, but there is one craving in me. I would, more than anything, want a warehouse full of pink ping pong balls.'

One of these years, his father thought, I should get to the bottom of this. However, he decided to humour his son's wish. At least he had been wise enough to buy shares in a pink ping pong ball factory.

The next day, the son was given the address of a warehouse where all his new pink ping pong balls were stored. The son was delighted and decided to spend the next night in the warehouse rather than at home.

The following morning, the son stepped out of the warehouse, but it seemed to be empty otherwise. The father had a closer look and indeed, apart from empty cardboard boxes, nothing was left inside the warehouse. No pink ping pong balls were left.

The following year, one day before the son's 19th birthday, the father braced himself for another warehouse of pink ping pong balls. He asked his son what his deepest desire was and he had not been entirely wrong.

`Father, you have made me very happy these last years and this year I ask of you a shipload of pink ping pong balls if at all possible.'

It was possible, if only because the father had by now bought each and every factory of pink ping pong balls in the country.

The next day, the father took his son to the harbour and showed him a huge tanker and told his son that there were millions, billions, trillions of pink ping pong balls in there.

`Father,' the son said, `You've made me very happy yet again.'

That night, the son spent on board the tanker.

The next morning, not a single of the pink ping pong balls could be found, but the son was happy.

A few days before his 20th birthday, however, the son had a terrible road accident and was taken to the hospital.

His father visited the young man in hospital. `My dear son! Can I bring you anything to make you feel better?'

Weakly, the son sat up in bed. `Father, dearest father, grant me this wish; just one tenpack of pink ping pong balls.'

The father held his son's hand tightly. `Whatever you wish my son, but I have to give you one condition. Even if it may be embarrassing, I must know what you did with all those pink ping pong balls.'

`Very well, father, but please indulge me first. I will tell you whatever you wish to know after you have given me the ten pink ping pong balls.'

The father thought that was fair enough and the next day brought his son the ten asked for pink ping pong balls. The son smiled weakly but seemed too weak to talk.

`Son, I leave these pink ping pong balls with you and shall come back tomorrow to ask of you what you have done with all those pink ping pong balls.'

The son nodded weakly.

The next day, less than surprisingly, no pink ping pong balls could be found in the son's hospital room.

`Now, my dearest son, apple of my eye, treasure of my life, please tell me what you did with all those pink ping pong balls,' the father requested.

The son nodded and the father gripped his hand tighter.

`I-' the son started and sat up a bit, swallowing with a dry mouth.

`I- I-'

Then he died.



Not the complete joke, too short, usually takes a good 15 minutes to tell it, too.
 
2001-09-06 01:34:00 PM
Kenh: That was beautiful.
 
2001-09-06 01:49:36 PM
A Serpent Guard, a Horus Guard and a Setesh Guard meet on a neutral planet, it is a tense moment. The Serpent Guard's eyes glow, the Horus Guard's beek glistens, the Setesh Guard's nose drips.

Gotta love Jaffa jokes (btw, this is from Stargate SG-1 for all you bastard heathens out there that don't watch it)

Behold the power of Cheesus!!!!
 
2001-09-06 01:54:27 PM
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer.

After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse out there?

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do.....why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion.

The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."

Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.

Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"

The cowboy looks him in the eye and says,"Nothin',but you left your Injun runnin'."
 
2001-09-06 01:57:45 PM
A horse walks into a bar, the bartender says, "Hey why the long face?"
 
2001-09-06 02:01:34 PM
A guy walks into a whore house with five bucks asking the madam what he could get with that amount of money. Madam replies "not much, but we do have a horny chicken for that price". Reluctantly the guy agrees to give the chicken a "shot", so the Madam directs him to the room with the chicken.

After getting into the room, the guy drops his droors, and grabs the chicken forcing it to give him a blowjob. After about half an hour of trying to no avail, the guy leaves pissed off.

He comes back the next day with ten bucks asking the Madam what he could get with this amount of money. She tells him to go to the end of the hall until he hits a dead end where he'll see a wall full of peepholes. He arrives at the wall lined with peepholes to find another guy already there looking in one of them. He himself looks in one of the peepholes seeing a woman trying to screw a dog on the other side.

"This is the best ten bucks I've ever spent!" he cried.

The man beside him turns to him and says: "You think this is good? You should have been here yesterday when some numbnuts was trying to get a blowjob from a chicken!"
 
2001-09-06 02:12:49 PM
2 rednecks sitting on a porch see a dog licking himself.

One redneck says "I sure wish I could do that"

The second redneck says "Boooooy, that dog would bite you!"
 
2001-09-06 02:13:31 PM
Ah, Lone Ranger jokes...

After an epic battle, the Lone Ranger and Tonto are taken prisoner by the Indians. Never before had our heroes been in such dire straits. That evening, the Lone Ranger creates a distraction allowing Tonto to escape to the horses. Unable to leave for fear of the Lone Ranger's safety, Tonto whispers in Silver's ear. Silver dashes off into the night.

The next day, the wonder horse returns with a beautiful blonde riding on his back. The Lone Ranger and Tonto watch in complete confusion as the Indians take the lovely girl into captivity.

That night, again Tonto sneaks out to the horses and whispers to Silver. Silver runs off into the night.

The following day, Silver returns with an exotic brunette. Again our heroes are dumbfounded. The Lone Ranger looks at Tonto in frustration and shakes his head. The girl is captured and whisked away.

Once more the Lone Ranger's life companion escapes to give a message to Silver.

The redhead Silver brings back this time is the most lovely of the women brought in the previous days. Staring in disbelief as the woman is taken by their captors, the Lone Ranger asks Tonto, "what are you saying to Silver?"

To which, Tonto replies, "Bring posse."
 
2001-09-06 02:15:59 PM
A lawyer, a priest and a teacher with her entire class is on a ship that is sinking.

Teacher: "There isnt room on the life boat for the children AND us."

Lawyer: "Lets Fark the kids and save ourselves."

Priest: "There isnt time to FARK the kids, lets just save ourselves."
 
2001-09-06 02:24:40 PM
What did Abe Lincoln say after waking with severe hangover?









I freed who????????
 
2001-09-06 02:37:04 PM
A Seal walked into a bar. The bartender asked what the seal wanted to drink. The seal simply responded: "Anything but Canadian Club on the rocks."
 
2001-09-06 02:39:16 PM
I'm going to burn for these, but oh well.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on your doorstep?
Matt

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in your pool?
Bob

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on your wall?
Art

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in some leaves?
Russel

What do you call a dog with no arms and no legs?
Call him anything you want, he's not coming.

What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef
 
2001-09-06 02:52:41 PM
what do you call a herd of masturbating cattle?

beef stroganoff
 
2001-09-06 02:53:34 PM
If someone has already posted this one, forgive me:

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding through the wilderness, when The Lone Ranger stops to take a leak behind a boulder. Just as he whips out his pecker to pee, a rattlesnake springs up and bites him on the penis.

The Lone Ranger doesn't know what to do, so he yells for Tonto to ride to the nearest town and ask a doctor what he should do. So Tonto rides off.

Tonto reaches a town in about 30 minutes and finds the doctor. The doctor explains that to treat a snakebite, he will have to cut it with a knife, then suck the poison out. Tonto then hops on his horse, and heads back to the Lone Ranger.

He finds the Lone Ranger laying against a rock, barely able to speak. "What did the doctor say, Tonto?" the Lone Ranger asks in a very feeble voice.

"He said you are going to die, Kimosabe!"
 
2001-09-06 02:59:43 PM
So Celine Dion walks into a bar, and the bartender says "Why the long face?"

Ba-dum-bing.
 
2001-09-06 03:00:47 PM
dumb AND old! but!

what did they find in the bathroom of the Starship Enterprise?







the captain's log.
 
2001-09-06 03:03:10 PM
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs flying over the right field fence?

Homer


Q. Why don't women have any brains?

A. Because they don't have any testicles to put them in.



Q. Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

A. It was dead.
 
2001-09-06 03:11:55 PM
CHALLENGE TIME:
The punch line is-

"I'll take the beaver"

What's the joke?
 
2001-09-06 03:18:05 PM
A seal walks into a club... OUCH!
2 seals walk into a club... OUCH OUCH!!

hehe
 
2001-09-06 03:24:03 PM
What do a girl from Kentucky and a bear have in common?


They both lick their paws
 
2001-09-06 03:24:22 PM
Told to me by a friend's mother:

Why do men like women with big tits and tight pussies?
Because they have big mouths and little dicks.
 
2001-09-06 03:25:53 PM
This is for all of you salespeople out there...


A department store sales manager hired a new salesman.

At the close of business the next day, the sales manager decides to stop in to see how the kid is doing on his first day. He asks, "How many sales did you have today?"

The salesman answers, "One."

"How come only one," asks the manager. "Most of my salesmen have 20-30 per day! How much was the one sale you made?"

The salesman answers,"$133,344.00"

"WHAT!?! What did you sell?"

"Well, a guy wanted a small fish hook, so I sold him a medium fish hook, and then sold him a large fish hook. Then, he needed a rod, so I sold him a light action rod, the upgrade to a medium action rod, and then changed it to a fully balanced combo. Then, I told him he was going to need a boat, so I took him to the boating department and sold him a 14-footmotor boat and upgraded him to a 20-foot cabin cruiser. I told him that his Volkswagen wouldn't be able to tow the boat, so I took him to the car department and sold him a sport utility vehicle."

"A guy came in for a fish hook and you managed to sell him all of that?" asked the manager.

"No, he came in for a box of tampons, and I said 'Hell, your weekend is shot, anyway, why not do some fishing?'
 
2001-09-06 03:30:07 PM
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

Mace will do that to you.
 
2001-09-06 03:32:40 PM
A man goes into the pharmacy to buy condoms for the first time. He is very nervous because there is fairly attractive woman working the register. He wanders the store for a long time, building up the courage to make his purchase. He quickly grabs a box of condoms without looking and hurries to the checkout line since for the moment no other customers were waiting.

Flushed and flustered, he hands the box to the cashier. She gives him a faint smile, passes the box over the scanner, and says, "That will be 10.95 with tax."

The man screams "What?! I didn't know these things needed tacks!"
 
2001-09-06 03:34:26 PM
Q:What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?
A:Nothing, you've told her twice already.

Q:Why don't women wear wristwatches?
A:There's a clock over the stove

Q:What's the first thing a woman should do when she gets out of the battered woman's shelter?
A:The dishes, if she knows what's good for her

Q:Did you hear that the woman's shelter is opening a branch office called the Tempura House?
A:It's for lightly battered woman

Q:How many men does it take to get a cold beer?
A:None, the beer WILL be cold when she brings it to you

Q:Why do women wear white wedding gowns?
A:So the dishwasher will match the stove and fridge

A little boy was at his first wedding. He looked at the bride as she walked down the aisle and asked why the bride wore white.
"Well", said Dad, "White is a symbol for happinness. This is the best day of her life. She is extremely happy and will also remember this as one of the best days of her life".
"Well, why is the groom wearing black?"

hahahahahahahaha
 
2001-09-06 03:37:29 PM
What is green and sits on my porch?

My nubian and I will paint him any color I want
 
2001-09-06 03:40:14 PM
What's better than roses on a piano?

Tulips on an organ!

I'm done, that's all I've got...
 
2001-09-06 04:01:34 PM
Why did Hank the druken dwarf die?



Because he was an alcoholic
 
2001-09-06 04:04:35 PM
Here's some more

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter
than the other?

A speech impediment.




What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?

They're hiring.




What do toilets, a clitoris, and an anniversary have in common?

Men miss them all.




Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

Breasts don't have eyes.
 
2001-09-06 04:12:19 PM
What do you call a one legged waitress?
Eileen

What do yo call a one legged chinese waitress?
Ireen

Where does she work?
IHOP
 
2001-09-06 04:34:26 PM
An old man was raking the front yard with his grandson, when the grandson finds an earthworm crawling out of a hole in the ground.

Grandson:"Hey Grandpa, I bet I can get this worm back into it's hole."

Grandpa:"No way you can do that."

Grandson:"I'll bet ya $5 that I can."

Grandpa:"Ok, go ahead"

The grandson goes into the house and grabs a can of hairspray. He then comes back outside, sprays the earthworm down with hairspray to hold it perfectly straight, then slips the earthworm back into it's hole.

Grandpa pays up, grabs the can of hairspray, and goes inside. An hour later, Grandpa comes back out front and hands the boy a second $5 bill. The boy, not wanting to take advantage of his grandfather says "Grandpa, you already payed me the money you owed me."

The grandfather replied, "No, you don't understand. Those five dollars are from Grandma."

Bah dum dum
 
2001-09-06 04:36:33 PM
A man sends his wife to the hardware store for a 3 foot piano hinge. The hardware salesman gets the hinge and ask her "Do you want screws for that?" The lady looks around and says "No, but Il'' blow you for that wall clock over there"
 
2001-09-06 04:37:24 PM
Anyone heard the one about the plaid Thermos?
 
2001-09-06 04:38:23 PM
There was a birch tree and a beach tree standing beside each other. One day, a little tree began to grow between them and they wondered whether it was a son of a birch tree or a son of a beach tree.

They called in a woodpecker to find out. So the woodpecker went and tasted it. He came back a little later and they asked him the results. The woodpecker said "It's not a son of a birch tree or a son of a beach tree, but it's the best piece of ash I've ever tasted."

Behold the power of Cheesus!!!!
 
2001-09-06 04:39:46 PM
How do you make a hormone?


Don't pay her!
 
2001-09-06 04:46:28 PM
I guy goes to Condoms-R-Us to buy some condoms. He walks in and is searching the aisles, but doesnt know what size to get. He walks up to the cashier and asks her. She tells him theres a fence toward the back of the store thats got holes for the different sizes.
The guy walks back to the fence. Before he gets there the cashier takes a shorter rout and goes behind it. He sticks his wang in the first hole and she gives him a hand job, but the hole is a little small. He sticks it in the next hole and she sucks it, but the hole still isnt the right size. Then he sticks it in the last hole; it's a perfect fit, and she farks him.
He walks back to toward the cashiers line and she rushes there before him. She innocently asks him if he found the right size condoms. He replies "Fark condoms give me three feet of that fence!"
 
2001-09-06 04:49:23 PM
bob: " how was your golf game?"
dave: " oh, it was terrible. on the 3rd tee box my wife keeled over dead from a heart attack!"
bob:" oh, that's horrible what did you do?"
dave:" about par"

(alternate ending- dave:" it was terrible, hit-drag, hit-drag, all day long"
 
2001-09-06 04:51:06 PM
Man getting hit in crotch with football. Starring George C. Scott.
 
2001-09-06 04:52:59 PM
A forty-ish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watches her for a
while and asks "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?" The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says "I don't care. I just came from the doctor and he says I have the breasts of an 18-year-old." The husband said, "What did he say about your 41-year-old ass?" She replied,"Your name never came up"
 
2001-09-06 04:53:41 PM
One nun caught a second smoking. The first nun hadn't had a cigarrette since she converted, so she asked how the second snuck hers around. She found that hiding a single cigarrette in a condom would go unnoticed because no one would pick it up if she dropped it.

The first nun went to the drug store and asked the clerk where she could find the condoms. He asked her what kind she needed and she replied, "Just as long at it will fit a camel."
 
2001-09-06 04:55:52 PM
A little boy runs home after the first dya at school (7th grade) and when asked by his mother how the day went, replies "Wow mom, it was GREAT. First we had woodshop, then P.E. and then...Mom, I had SEX with my teacher!"

Mom scowled, pointed to the stairs and said "Get upstairs right now...how crude...such lies...you're obviously beginninng to take after your father. Tell HIM about it when he gets home".

Dad arrives home and hearing from Mom about the description of his day, he goes upstairs to discuss the matter with Junior.

"But Dad, it's true! I had woodshop, then P.E. And then I had SEX with my teacher."

Dad puts a finger to his lips as though to say "Shhhhhh, don't let mom hear me say this". He beams at the boy and whispers "Son, you little chip-off-the-old-block, why I do believe you now. I'm so proud that we're going to go down to Sears later tonight and I'm goin' to buy you that shiney red bicycle that you've been wanting...you can ride it home tonight!"

Boy responds "Uh, maybe tomorrow night dad...my ass is still kinda sore".
 
2001-09-06 04:57:59 PM

I think this is the original(different) Green Golf Ball Joke.

On Floyd Llyod's first birthday, his father asked him what he wanted
. He replied "Green Golfballs." Since it was his son's birthday, Floyd's
father didn't ask questions. On his second birthday, his father asked him
what he wanted and the reply was again "green golfballs." Concerned, his father kept his thoughts to
himself, to honor his only son's birthday. On Floyd's third birthday, his
father once again asked him what he wanted, and once again, the reply was green
golfballs. By now, his father became slightly befuddled, but once again, kept
his thoughts silent. On his fourth birthday, his father asked Floyd what he wanted
and the reply was "green golfballs." On his fifth birthday, when asked what he wanted,
Floyd replied "green golfballs." Now his father became angry. Through Floyd's first four birthdays, he had remained calm, but he had to ask. Floyd simply replied
"I just need green golfballs." On his sixth and seventh birthdays,
the routine was the same. "Green golfballs" were requested and his father succumbed to the
pressure. On Floyds eighth birthday, his father said that he would get him anything except green golfballs. But Floyd wanted them so badly that his father caved in.
On his ninth birthday, Floyd became sick. His father, not wanting his son to waste
energy in an argument, got him the green golfballs he had requested.
On his tenth birthday, Floyd Lloyd was on his deathbead. He asked for green golfballs and got them.
But his father asked him one last time, "Why do you always want green golfballs?"
Since on his deathbed, Floyd replied, "OK. I always want green golfballs because..." And then he died.

 
2001-09-06 05:04:32 PM
Apparently doing a little of their own scientific research into humor, Farker Sprack genetically splices two jokes together purely by accident!
 
2001-09-06 05:27:04 PM
Why did the dead baby cross the road?





It was stapled to the chicken!




Bahdabing!
 
2001-09-06 05:27:35 PM
A man is sitting at a bar one night,and he's pretty plastered, when he looks over and sees a chest full of 100 dollar bills.
"Hey, what's that chest full of 100 dollar bills for?" he asks
Bartender says "Buy another drink and I'll tell ya." So he does and he drinks it down. The bartender says "We're having a contest and whoever wins gets that chest."
"Contest?" he asks "What kinda contest?"
"Buy another drink and I'll tella ya." So he does, and again gulps down the drink
"You must complete three tasks, and if ya do, the chest is yours"
"What are the three tasks?" the drunkard asks
Bartender says "Buy another drink and I'll tell ya" So he does, and gulps it down.
The bartender points to the corner of the bar "Ya see that guy over there? His name's Butch." The drunk looks over to see that Butch is very built, and ver humongous.(sp?) "If you can knock him out, you go on to the second task"
"What's the second task?" "Buy another drink and I'll tell ya" Again, he buys the drink and gulps it down. The bartender points to a door across the room. "Inside that room, there's a rabit dog with a sore tooth. If you can get the tooth out and bring it to me, then you move on to the last task."
"Well..what's the last task?" "Buy another drink and I'll tell ya" He does, and gulps it down. "Ok, upstairs is a woman we call Bertha. She weighs 350 pounds and she hasn't been..well.."pleased" lately. If you can please Bertha, then you win."
"I'll do it!" the bartender exclaims. "And gimmie another drink for good luck" So with that, the drunk gulps down the drink and walks over to Butch and POW! Knocks him out in one punch. Next, he goes into the room with the rabid dog and closes the door. Alot of Barking and yelping are heard..then silence.
The drunk stumbles out of the door with a smirk on his face and asks "Now where's that lady with the sore tooth?"

waka waka waka!
 
2001-09-06 05:28:51 PM
What should you do when your dishwasher breaks down?





Slap her!
 
2001-09-06 05:32:44 PM
Two guys are sittin in a bar getting dirty drunk. They're whoopin and carrying on when suddenly one of the men pukes on himself. He says to his buddy, "Dammit, my wife is gonna kill me now...she'll know I was out gettin drunk and she hates that." His buddy thinks a second as says, "no way, You know what you should do? Stuff a $20 bill in your shirt pocket and tell your wife that you stopped for a drink and some buy was drunk at the bar and puked on you and gave you the twenty bucks to buy a new shirt!" The puke covered friend is amazed and says,"you're right, I'm safe, that'll work".
So, after a few more hours of drinking, the men retire home and the man walks late into his house with puke on his shirt and his wife says where the hell were you? why is there puke all over you?
The man, acting sober as possible calmly explains that a drunk at the bar threw up on him and gave him twenty bucks for a new shirt.
The wife grabs the money from the shirt pocket and says, "but there's $40 here!"
the retorts, "Oh yeah, he um, he shiat my pants too."
 
2001-09-06 05:34:50 PM
A guy is at the Super Bowl with a seat in the nose-bleed section. He has to watch the game through binoculars, and it sucks. He then spots a seat on the 50 yard line about 10 rows off the field, and no one sits in it for the whole first half, so he decides to check it out at half time.

He asks the man sitting next to the empty seat, "Is that seat taken?" The man responds, "Well, it's my wife's seat, but she couldn't attend, so you can sit there."

The guy says, "You mean, you couldn't get any friends or family to come in her place?"

The man responds, "Nah, they're all at her funeral."
 
2001-09-06 05:36:13 PM
Q. What's sicker than a pile of dead babies?

A. One still alive on the bottom.
 
2001-09-06 05:38:33 PM
A nun decides to pay a visit to the nearby Indian reservation. Once there, she spies a brave with one feather in his hair. She asks him, "What does that one feather stand for"? The brave replies, "Me farkem one squaw, in valley".
A little stunned, she continues on her way. She then meets another brave with two feathers in his hair, and she asks him, "What do those two feathers stand for"? He replies, "Me farkem two squaw, in valley". Stunned again, she decides to pay a visit to the Chief of the tribe.
Upon meeting the Chief, who is wearing a whole headress full of feathers, the nun asks, "What do all your feathers stand for"? The Chief replies, "Me farkem every squaw in valley". The nun says, "Oh, you must be hostile"! He replies, "Yes, hog style, dog style, every style"! She says, "Oh, dear"! And the Chief says, "No, no deer...tail too high....run too fast".
 
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