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(Yahoo)   Scientist seeks world's funniest joke--Smutty and offensive jokes not accepted   (uk.news.yahoo.com) divider line 311
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2904 clicks; posted to Main » on 06 Sep 2001 at 12:00 AM (12 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2001-09-06 06:38:07 AM
The best part about having sex with a ten year old girl is taking her from behind and pretending that she's a ten year old boy.
 
2001-09-06 06:51:03 AM
What Blue and White, and would kill you if it fell from a tree on you ?

A fridge wearing a denim jacket.
 
hnb
2001-09-06 07:03:31 AM
alskjfh
 
hnb
2001-09-06 07:05:35 AM
What do the USS Enterprise and toilet paper have in common?
 
2001-09-06 07:06:27 AM
What's the best part about having sex with a six year old?

Hearing the pelvis snap.

What's the worst thing?

Cleaning the blood off the clown costume.

What's the best thing about six year olds?

They know a lot of five year olds....


What do you get when you put a baby in a blender?

A hard-on.
 
hnb
2001-09-06 07:06:31 AM
They both go to Uranus to wipe out the Klingons.
 
2001-09-06 07:06:35 AM
Its got to be something to do with wiping out Klingons.
 
2001-09-06 07:08:07 AM
Whats tartan and white and would kill you if it fell from a tree on you ?
Rupert the fridge.
 
hnb
2001-09-06 07:09:32 AM
I aint no judge, but gittin ta be sum perty sick shiat around hereabouts...
 
2001-09-06 07:10:09 AM
Two penguins are sitting in a bathtub.










One penguin says to the other, "Pass the soap."









The other penguin says, "Holy shiat, a talking penguin!"
 
hnb
2001-09-06 07:12:24 AM
Ah, well, I tried to have timing. This board's gettin o'd. Don' 'preciate my input no mo'.
 
2001-09-06 07:21:18 AM
What's black, white, red, black, white, red?
A nun falling down the stairs!
What's black and white and laughing?
The nun that pushed her.

A doctor says to a patient, "You have cancer and Alzheimers."
The patient replies, "At least I don't have cancer."

A patient goes to the doctor. He has a carrot up his nose, a corn cob in one ear, and a banana in his other ear. The doctor says, "You're not eating properly."
 
2001-09-06 07:38:40 AM
OK, so a walrus goes up to this... frog and asks... *runs away*
 
2001-09-06 07:48:39 AM
I heard this one many years back.
...

There's an american, a mexican, and a chinaman, who are in a contest to see who can sit in a room full of bloody tampons the longest.
The american goes in, about an hour later he comes out and pukes.
The mexican goes in, stays in for about 3 hours, comes out and pukes.
The chinaman goes in, 3 weeks later he comes out and asks, "Do you have any more jelly donuts?"
 
2001-09-06 07:57:50 AM
What are they going to give Michael Jackson if he abuses one more little boy?

His own parrish.
 
2001-09-06 08:04:29 AM
*WARNING - DONT READ IF EASILY OFFENDED*

A child molester is taking a 9-year old into the woods. A storm is coming up and it's getting dark and windy.

The boy looks up and goes "I'm scared."

"You're scared?" says the man, "I'm the one who has to walk out alone"

Sorry, try this...

The best thing about Alzheimers disease is that you can hide your own Easter eggs.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I need help...
 
2001-09-06 08:23:04 AM
Bhudda walks up to a hot dog vendor and says "Make me one with everything."
 
Rat
2001-09-06 08:26:55 AM
ok, priest and a rabbi walking down the street...

the priest spies a little boy and says 'hey rabbi, wanna fark him?'

the rabbi says 'out of what?
 
2001-09-06 08:27:26 AM
So this old man goes to a new doctor for the first time. He is a little uncomfortable talking about his problem but finally gets around to it. He says, "Doc, I've got a problem with these uncontrollable, silent... gas emissions. They happen to me everywhere... at the store, on the bus, in the waiting room. I even had one right here just now. Is there anything you can do?"

And the doctor says, "Well, first thing we do, we're gonna check your hearing."
 
2001-09-06 08:29:22 AM
There's only one joke that could possibly qualify as the "funniest joke", that's the Green Golf Ball joke. I nearly ruptured my spleen after reading it on rec.humor.funny ages ago.
 
2001-09-06 08:30:23 AM
So this bear and a rabbit are taking a crap in the woods. The bear asks the rabbit, "Do you ever have problems with crap sticking to your fur?" The rabbit says, "No. Why?" and the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit and throws him in the bushes.
 
2001-09-06 08:31:35 AM
This one is particularly warped, but I find it hard to resist repeating it.

One day, a man is driving his teenage daughter to school. On the way there, she asks if she can borrow the car tonight. The dad thinks about it a minute and says she can borrow the car if she gives him a blow job. Well, she thinks about it a minute and decides that she really wants to borrow the car so she leans over, unzips his fly and goes to work. As soon as she starts, she gags and goes "Dad, you taste like shiat." The dad responds, "Oh. That's right. Your brother has the car tonight."


(Told you it was sick.)
 
2001-09-06 08:36:37 AM
ok theres a drug dealer at point "A" and a hooker at point "B" who makes the most money in one night?
















...whoever sells the best crack

*wah**wah**wah*

thank you i'll be here all week
 
2001-09-06 08:37:26 AM
So this guy goes into the doctors office for a checkup and the doctor tells him he has to stop masturbating.
"Why? Will it make me go blind?" asked the man.
"No," says the doctor, "but you're annoying the hell out of the people in the waiting room."

www.jokeland.com
 
2001-09-06 08:37:29 AM
Old one, Labman. And even the sickest jokes become nothing more then a shrug and a 'Meh' after you hear them more than twice.
 
2001-09-06 08:38:29 AM

Does anybody really think that clowns are funny?
Or clones for that matter.
 
2001-09-06 08:43:04 AM
i'm chinese but hell why not

ok theres this company and they need a new staff for marketing, orders, and supplies.

so they hire a black guy for marketing, a white guy for orders, and a chinese guy for supplies.

well the manager walks around and finds that the black marketing guy is doing fine, the white guy is doing fine....but he CANT find the chinese man... so hes walking around the halls and all of a sudden----- the chinese guy walks out and shouts "SUPPLIES!"

**badum-dum**
 
2001-09-06 08:48:46 AM
A guy with a huge orange head goes in to see a doctor.
The doctor says, "How did you get such a huge orange head?"
The guy says, "Well, one day I was walking down the beach when I tripped over an old lantern. A genie came out and said, I'll grant you three wishes, whatever you desire...what is your first wish?' I said, I'd like all the money I could ever spend.' The genie went Poof!', and there it was, all the money I could ever spend. Then he said, What is your second wish?' I said, I'd like a beautiful woman to love me, someone I could enjoy this money with.' The genie went Poof!', and there she was, a gorgeous girl who immediately loved me. Then the genie said, And what is your third wish?'...and I think this is where I went wrong...I said, I'd like a huge orange head.'"
 
2001-09-06 08:59:26 AM
So the other night I got my cock up this chicks ass, right?
 
2001-09-06 09:07:12 AM
A man walks into a hardware store, and asks the clerk for a potato clock. The clerk is confused, as he's never heard of such a thing. So he asks the man what he needs it for, to see if he can recommend a suitable replacement.

The man said, 'Well, I went for a job interview today, and I got the job, and my boss said I start tomorrow at nine. He also said since I'll have to be at work at nine o'clock, I should get a potato clock.'

At this point the clerk gets a piece of plywood and beats the man to death for his stupid pun.
 
2001-09-06 09:08:49 AM
A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother of pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold.

He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"

"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.

"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.

"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up." The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked.

"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

"Excuse me!" he called to the reader. "Do you have any water?"

"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there". The man pointed to a place that couldn't be seen from outside the gate. "Come on in."

"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.

"There should be a bowl by the pump." They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.

When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree waiting for them.

"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.

"This is Heaven," was the answer.

"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too."

"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's Hell."

"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"

"No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just happy that they screen out the folks who'll leave their best friends behind."
 
2001-09-06 09:11:29 AM
What's green and has wheels?






My lawn, I lied about the wheels.

(sorry)
 
2001-09-06 09:25:04 AM
if you're American when you go into the bathroom, and you're american when you come out of the bathroom, what are you IN the bathroom?

EUROPEAN (you're-a-peein)
 
2001-09-06 09:26:23 AM
*Wiping tears from eyes* Cancer and Alzheimers, that's a classic. Where's this green golf ball joke that I hear so much about?
 
2001-09-06 09:27:59 AM
My apologies for anyone offended by the following stereotypes

Four construction workers are having lunch new the top of a skyscraper. The Italian opens his lunch and says, "Dammit, a meatball sandwich again, I swear every day I get a meatball sandwich, it makes me nuts. If I get a meatball sandwhich again tomorrow, I'm gonna jump."

The Irishman opens his lunch and says, "Dammit, a corned beef sandwich again, I swear every day I get the same thing. If I get corned beef tomorrow, I'm gonna jump."

The Black guy does the same thing, If I get fired chicken again tomorrow, I'm gonna jump."

The redneck gets a peanut butter and jelly sandwhich and also says he's tired of getting the same thing and is gonna jump if it continues.

The next day, sure enough, the Italian gets a meatball sandwich - Dammit he says and jumps. Then Irish gets corned beef and jumps. Then the Black guy gets fried chicken and jumps. Then the redneck gets peanut butter and jelly and jumps.

At the funeral the next day the Italians wife is distraught, crying I didn't know, I didn't know. If he didn't want meatballs why didn't he tell me.

The Irish wife says "Me, too - I didn't know. If he didn't want corned beef, he should have told me.

The black mans wife says Oh, my God, I thought he loved fried chicken. I would have never made it for him if I knew this would happen.

They all look over at the redneck wife. She looks up and says " What are you looking at me for, he makes his own lunch"
 
2001-09-06 09:38:42 AM
This is my favorite joke of all time.

Knock knock
who's there
Mohandas
Mohandas who?
Mohandas Gandhi is an inspiration to us all.

I for real peed my pants when I first heard that. It was embarassing.
 
Rat
2001-09-06 09:45:31 AM
Badger and Bhamv:

thank you...shiznits, I'm still laughing
 
2001-09-06 09:52:52 AM
There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!
 
2001-09-06 09:54:02 AM
The passengers on a plane are waiting for their flight to leave when two men, both wearing dark glasses, dressed in pilot uniforms, walk up the aisle. One is being led by a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin as the men go into the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start.
The passengers are all looking around for some sign that this is just a little practical joke, but there is none. As the plane moves faster and faster down the runway, the people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off and will plow into the water, screams of panic fill the cabin. But just at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

In the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die."
 
2001-09-06 09:54:49 AM
What if the Hokey Pokey IS what its all about?
 
2001-09-06 09:55:00 AM
What do you call 100 lesbians with machine guns?



Militia Etheridge.
 
2001-09-06 09:56:04 AM
Oooh, we're doing knock-knock jokes now? Wanna hear a knock-knock joke? OK, you start.
 
8
2001-09-06 09:56:32 AM
The following are actual statements found in insurance forms where drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words.

Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother- in-law, and headed over the embankment.
I attempted to kill a fly, and I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been driving for forty years, when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble and my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
An invisible car come out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, found that I had a fractured skull.
The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.
I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
In indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray dogs.
The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.
 
2001-09-06 09:56:45 AM
A guy and a girl meet in a bar and go home to her place. After a few hours of drunken sex, he gets out a cigarette, but can't find his lighter.
She says, "There might be some matches in the top drawer."
He opens the drawer of the bedside table and finds some matches on top of a framed picture of a man.
He says. "Is this your husband?"
She says, "No," as she snuggles up to him.
He says, "Your boyfriend"
She says, "No," as she nibbles away at his ear.
He says, "Then who is he?"
She says, "That's me before the operation."
 
2001-09-06 09:57:35 AM
Stevie Wonder says to Tiger Woods, "Hey, man, could we play golf sometime?"
Tiger says, "You're joking."
Stevie says, "No, I'm a good golfer. I have a friend stand near the hole and whistle, and I aim at the whistle."
After Tiger is convinced, Stevie says, "Let's make it interesting, how about $10,000 a hole."
Tiger says, "Fine. Name the time and place."
Stevie says, "How about tonight?"
 
2001-09-06 09:57:51 AM
There once was a man from Nantucket......
 
2001-09-06 09:58:52 AM
Monkey and the Poolball

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder.
The guy sits at the bar, and starts talking to the bartender.
While they're talking, the monkey walks over to the
pool table, and eats one of the pool balls.

The bartender says to the guy, "What's wrong with your
monkey? He just ate one of the pool balls!"

The guy replies, "I can't help it. He eats anything
and everything, and there doesn't seem to be a thing
I can do to stop it." He then picks up the monkey,
and leaves.

A few days later, the guy shows up at the bar and again,
he's got the monkey with him. This time, the monkey
sits down at the bar, grabs a peanut from a dish, sticks
it up his butt, then pulls it back out and eats it.

The bartender says to the guy, "What the heck is he
doing now?" The guy answers, "He still pretty much eats
everything, but after the ball incident a few days ago,
he checks to make sure it will fit before he eats it."
 
2001-09-06 09:59:56 AM
St Peter is screening a line of nuns at the gates of heaven. The first nun walks up and says, "Oh please let me in St Peter, I've devoted my whole life to God." St Peter asks her, "Have you ever done anything with a man's penis." She replies "No", and St Peter says "Go on in."

The next nun comes up asks to be let in and St Peter asks her, "Have you ever done anything with a man's penis." She replies, "Well I touched one once." St Peter says, "OK, dip your finger in the holy water and go on in."

The next nun comes up asks to be let in and St Peter asks her, "Have you ever done anything with a man's penis." She replies, "Well I gave a guy a hand job once." St Peter says, "Allright, wash your hands in the holy water and go on in."

The next nun comes up asks to be let in and St Peter asks her, "Have you ever done anything with a man's penis." The third nun is about to answer when another nun jumps out of line, yells "Wait!" and comes running up. When she gets to the gates St Peter asks her "What is it?" The nun replies, "I just want to gargle that water before she sticks her ass in it."
 
2001-09-06 10:01:08 AM
An optometrist operates on a hippie painter's girlfriend saves her eyesight.

The hippie painter is so grateful that he goes to the doctor's house one day while the doctor has office hours, goes inside, and paints a huge eye on an entire wall of the living room, leaving the fireplace as the pupil of the eye. He's just finishing up when the doctor walks in.

He says to the doctor, "Well, do you like it, man?"
The doctor says, "Yeah, but I'll tell you, I'm certainly glad I'm not a gynecologist."

(help me)
 
2001-09-06 10:03:08 AM
Q. What do you call a blond skeleton in a clothes closet?
A. The 1960 hide-and-go-seek champion.
 
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