How can you tell a man is a WASP (white, anglo-saxon, protestant)?
He gets out of the shower to pee.

Guy walks into a bar, says gimme 20 martinis, we're celebratin my first blowjob!
Bartender says cograts, the 21st is on the house!
Guy says thanks, but 20 should wash the taste outta my mouth.

Two prostitutes are standing on the corner. One askes the other, "Ever been picked up by the fuzz?"





The second replies "No, but i've been swung around by the tits"

oldie but baddie:
So, I'm seein this patient the other day, he's got this weird orange rash on the entire shaft of his penis, never seen anything like it. Give him a few creams to try, come back in a week.
Comes back today, and it's worse, thicker than ever. I ask a few more questions now, maybe it's some strange chemical exposure at work. He tells me he's unemployed. I ask what do you do all day?
"Oh, just sit around the house, watchin' pornos and eatin cheetos."

A UFO, shaped exactly like a bottle cap, settles to earth in front of you. A hatch opens. Twelve soda can shaped aliens (with arms, legs, eyes and mouths) come out and line up. A sergeant, shaped like a twelve ounce bottle, screams, "Ten-shut!" A sixteen ounce alien disembarks, walks up to you, tips his cap and says, "Take me to your liter."

so this chick walks into a bar. she gets real drunk. some guy farks her.

So many jokes here I've heard before, it reminds me of one on that very topic:

A man is convicted for a crime and sentenced to several years in the penitentiary. On his first day, all the prisoners are together sitting at tables for lunch. At one point, one prisoner calls out, "two hundred and forty-three!" All the men burst out laughing. Soon after, another cries out, "one hundred and sixteen!" This gets even more laughter. Yet another, older prisoner says quietly, "twenty seven." All the men laugh knowingly.
At this point, the new guy turn to the fellow sitting next to him and asks, "What's the deal? Why are you all laughing at numbers?"
"Well," he explains, "we've all been here so long, and we've heard all the jokes so many times, we have them numbered. So instead of wasting the time, we just say the number of the joke, and the other guys know what we mean."
"Oh, I see," says the new guy, a little baffled.
Later, in his cell, his cellmate hands him a little book, well worn with use.
"What's this?"
"This is the book of jokes. You might as well learn 'em."
So he stays up all night, reading and trying not to laugh out loud...

The next day at lunchtime, After a few numbers have been called out and the room is full of laughs, he's feeling brave and he calls out, "Two hundred and eighty-two!"
All of the sudden, the room goes quiet, and a few of the prisoners even give him annoyed looks.
"Did I do something wrong?" he asks the inmate next to him.
"Nah," he says, "Some people just can't tell a joke."

since it seems alot of you guys dont like goths heres some jokes

What do you call a goth lying in the road?
A speed bump.

Two goths are walking down the road, one says "I just bought the new Love Like
Blood CD."
The other says "fark me, a talking goth!"

How do you get a goth out of a tree?
Cut the rope!

Theres a goth walking down the road with a rat on his shoulder. An old lady
walks past, stops, stares at the two and says "Yeuk! What are you doing with
that revolting creature?"
"Squeak squeak squeak!" says the rat.

What do you store your heavy velvet cape in for the summer?
Goth balls.

Why is it so hard for goths to get work?
Because all they can do is mope the floors are depress the buttons.

What did the vampire say when he looked in the mirror?
"So nice not to see you again"

Wayne Hussey dies and goes to heaven. At the pearly gates, he meets up with
Gabriel who gives him the grand tour of heaven.
While toruing he sees many familiar faces including Jimi Hendrix, Ian Curtis,
Mary Shelly, and of course Nick Fiend kinda shows up once in a while...
And then he sees Andrew Eldritch Sitting on a HUUUGE throne..
Wayne Says to Gabriel "I didn't know Andrew was dead!"
Gabriel replies, "Oh, that's God(tm) He only thinks he's Andrew"

What's another name for a gothgirl?
A Crow-ho.

What do goths buy at the liquor store when they don't have much cash?
Crow-Magnums.

"Waiter! Waiter! There's a dead squid in my soup!"
"It's not dead Sir, it's just dreaming."

What do you get when you cross Lee Iococca with a vampire?
AUTOEXEC.BAT

How many casuals does it take to make a hamburger?
Who cares, just think of all the fun we could have putting them through
the mincer to find out!

How many "New Kids on the Block" does it take to paint a wall red?
Only one if you throw it hard enough.

How many fratboys does it take to wallpaper a room?
That depends on how thinly you slice them.

How many goths does it take to make cheesecake?
None, there are no goths in cheesecake.

Old goths don't die, they just need less makeup.

Two goths are having sex. (Strange, I know, but true.) Suddenly, the girl
goth comes.
"Darling, darling!" says the boy goth, "what's wrong?"
"Nothing," says the girl goth, "nothing at all. Why?"
"You moved."

Why did the goth cross the road?
It didn't, it was dead.

What's black and sits in the corner?
A dead baby goth.

What's black and knocks on the window?
A goth in a microwave.

"He's *such* a *goth* ..."
"How *much* of a goth *is* he?"
"... that when he hangs around the house ... he *hangs* around the house!"

"Say, who was that *goth* I saw you with last night?"
"*That* was no *goth*! I'm a *necrophiliac*!"

What happens if you don't pay the exorcist?
You get repossessed.

How does a perkygoff paint his ceiling black?
He dyes his hair and starts bouncing.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------ -
And now, the seemingly unending list of lightbulb jokes:

How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb?
What's a lightbulb?

How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb?
Three, oneto change it and two to talk about Lord Byron's Grand Tour and
creative uses of laudinum in a metaphysical environment.

How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, but one has to light the candle.

How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they'd rather sit in the dark and cry.

How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just embrace the darkness.

How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to replace the UV tube, and one to put Floodland on.

How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb?
, we have candles.

How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, the lights wouldn't be one anyway.

How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change it for a purple bulb and one to plug the smoke machine in.

How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb?
Six. One to change the bulb, five to scream "Turn that bloody light off!"

How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb?
Dunno, but I see them all practicing at Slimelight, while dancing to the
Sisters. The raise their arms in a stretching way towards the ceiling,
twisting their wrists and returning their arm to their mid-rift, while walking
backwards and swaying in the murky darkness.

How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to do it, the other to biatch about how Andrew Eldritch could have done
it better.

How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change the bulb, and another to curse the first for putting a glare
on the terminal screen while the second was reading alt.gothic.

How many goths does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two. (or more depending on your preference) I don't know how they fit in
there, though!

How many necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None, they prefer their bulbs dead.

Billy, a 9 year old kid comes home from school one afternoon and can't find his mom. He hears some noise coming from his parent's bedroom, so he goes in there to look for her. When he walks into the room, he sees his mom under the sheets with a guy he doesn't recognize.

His mom jumps up, screams, throws him in the closet and locks the door, then gets back in bed with the guy. About 5 minutes later, she hears her husband coming in the front door. She quickly shoves her lover in the closet with her son. The husband comes into the bedroom, sees his naked wife, and thinks that she has been waiting for him. They jump into bed and start going at it.

In the closet, the kid and his mom's lover are standing around kind of nervously. The kid says, "Gee, it's dark in here." "Yeah," says the guy. "Hey," says the kid, "do you wanna buy a baseball?" The lover replies, "Why would I want a baseball?" The kid says, "If you don't buy it, I'll scream!" "How much?" says the guy. "Twenty bucks." "Twenty bucks! I guess I don't have a choice." They make the deal, and the kid stays silent. After the husband falls asleep, they both sneak out.


About two weeks later, the kid walks into the house after school. He hears the same noise coming from his parent's bedroom, so he goes in there to look for her. When he walks into the room, he sees his mom under the sheets with her lover again.

His mom jumps up, screams, throws him in the closet and locks the door, then gets back in bed with the guy. About 5 minutes later, she hears her husband coming in the front door. She quickly shoves her lover in the closet with her son. The husband comes into the bedroom, sees his naked wife, and thinks that she has been waiting for him. They jump into bed and start going at it.

In the closet, the kid and his mom's lover are standing around kind of nervously. The kid says, "Gee, it's dark in here." "Yeah," says the guy. "Hey," says the kid, "do you wanna buy a baseball glove?" The lover replies, "Why would I want a baseball glove?" The kid says, "If you don't buy it, I'll scream!" "How much?" says the guy. "Thirty bucks." "Thirty bucks! I guess I don't have a choice." They make the deal, and the kid stays silent. After the husband falls asleep, they both sneak out again.

The next day, Billy's dad wants to play catch. Billy says he can't, and his father wants to know why. "I can't because I sold my glove and ball for $50," Billy replies. "Well," his father says, "Tommorrow is Sunday, and you are going to church and confess for having ripped somebody off like that."

The next morning, Billy climbs into the confessional and closes the door. The window slides open. Billy is really nervous. "Gee, it's dark in here," he says. "Let's not start this shiat again," says the voice on the other side.

An old man walks into the confessional and says,
"Father O'Mally, it's terrible: The little waitress at the deli leans over to let me look down her blouse. She lets me pinch her tuchus. She's only ninteen, and I'm seventy-two. It's terrible."
The Priest says, "Mr. Liebowitz, you're Jewish, why are you telling me this."
The old man responds, "Telling you . . I'm telling everybody!"

A sadist ties-up a masochist.
The masochist screams, "Beat me! Beat me!"
The sadist replies . . "No."

BWUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

what would the Flinstones be if they were black?

nubians!!

HAW!!!

man, what a fVcking ripoff!

Tsubaki, draw diagrams and embed them.

This is a story that takes place in a faraway land, a land of magic, of dragons and ogres and elves.

One day, an old lady faun (half goat and half human, for those who don't know) was walking through a small village, selling magic flowers from the basket at her side. Business is fairly good, and she's in a fairly good mood. Turning a corner, she finds a small house, no higher than her waist, and painted entirely red. Bending down, she knocks on the door.

Inside the house is a little gnome, taking a bath. Like his abode, he is red from head to toe as well. Hearing someone knocking, he grabs a towel (also colored red) and wraps it around his waist, hurring to the door.

'All right, all right, I'm on my way, keep your hat on...' The gnome said, as the knocks persisted.

In a rush, he grabs the doorknob and flings it open, peering at the faun towering above him. However, he fails to notice that the doorknob had caught on his towel, and pulled it clean off him, leaving him stark naked.

The old lady faun could not fail to see this, and she gave a scream of shock, dropped her basket scattering flowers all over, and runs out into the street in a panic. She is immediately trampled by a passing dragon.

Moral: Don't cross the street when the little red man is flashing.

Hey, thanks guys, those who think my jokes are funny. If you could be so kind, could you indicate which one(s) of my jokes you find the funniest?

this guy should walk in and tell the subject that he is testing to find the world's funniest joke. and that this joke is not going to be vulgar, racist, sexist, or generally offensive to anyone. then somebody should come in and kick that guy square in the nuts. that's the world's funniest joke.

A man brought a very limp dog into the
veterinary clinic. As he lay the dog
on the table, the doctor pulled out his
stethoscope, placing the receptor on
the dog's chest. After a moment or two,
the vet shook his head sadly and said,
"I'm sorry, but your dog has passed
away". "What?" screamed the man. "How
can you tell? You haven't done any
testing on him or anything. I want
another opinion!"

With that, the vet turned and left the
room. In a few moments, he returned
with a Labrador Retriever. The
Retriever went right to work, checking
the poor dead dog out thoroughly.
After a considerable amount of
sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook its
head and barked.

The veterinarian then took the Labrador
out and returned in a few moments with
a cat, who also checked out the poor
dog on the table. As had its
predecessor, the cat sadly shook its
head and meowed. It then jumped off the
table and ran out of the room.

The veterinarian handed the man a bill
for 600 pounds. The dog's owner went
berserk.

£600 pounds! Just to tell me
my dog is dead? This is outrageous!"
The vet shook his head sadly and
explained. "If you had taken my word
for it, it would have been 50 pounds,
but with the Lab report and the cat
scan....."

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming
and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right)! The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out
of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady than said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 A.M. as a witness?" "Sure!"
replied the confident president. That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out
until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 A.M., the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet" "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I
guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied,
"Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 A.M. today, I'd have the Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."

Blonde Jokes. Someone has to:

Q: How do blonde braincells die ?
A: Alone.

Q: How do you get a blonde off of her knees?
A: Come.

Q: How does a blonde hold her liquor?
A: By the ears.

Q: How do you know a blond likes you?
A: She screws you two nights in a row.

Q: WHY ARE BLONDES LIKE PIANOS?
A: When they aren't upright, they're grand.

Q: WHY ARE BLONDES SO EASY TO GET INTO BED?
A: Who cares?

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN A BLONDE THROWS A PIN AT YOU?
A: Run like Hell....she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.

Q: WHAT DO YOU GIVE THE BLONDE WHO HAS EVERYTHING?
A: Penicillin.

Q: Why should you never take a blonde employee out for coffee?
A: It's too hard to re-train them.

Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
A: A Labrador.

Q: WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BLONDE AND A SHOPPING CART?
A: The shopping cart has a mind of its own.

Q: WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A CORN FARMER WITH EPILEPSY AND A BLONDE
WITH DIARRHEA?
A: One shucks between fits.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A: It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a walrus?
A: One has whiskers and fishy flaps, and the other is a walrus.

Q: Why did God give blonds 2% more brains than horses?
A: Because he didn't want them shiatting in the streets during parades.

Q: How does the blond turn on the light after she
has had sex?
A: She opens the car door.

Q: What's the difference between a chorus line of blondes and
a magician?
A: A magician has a cunning array of stunts.

Q: What does a blonde think an innuendo is?
A: An Italian suppository.

Q: WHAT DID THE BLOND SAY WHEN SHE WOKE UP UNDER THE COW?
A: What are you guys still doing here?

Q: WHAT ARE THE WORST SIX YEARS IN A BLONDE'S LIFE?
A: Third Grade.

Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?
A: I don't know, there are some things even a blonde won't do.

Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A: Proofreading.

Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W's.

Q: What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms?
A: Way to go team!

Q: How do you keep a blonde busy?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.

Q: Why do blondes have vaginas?
A: So guys will talk to them at parties.

Q: What do you call a blonde with a runny nose?
A: Full.

Q: Why don't blondes talk when having sex?
A1: Their mothers told them not to talk to strangers.
A2: Their mothers told them not with their mouths full.

Q: How can you tell when a blonde is dating?
A: By the buckle print on her forehead.

Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?
A: There is a stamp on it.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A: She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Panama Canal?
A: The Panama Canal is a busy ditch.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before using a trampoline.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and your job?
A: Your job still sucks after 6 months.

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
A1: You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.
A2: You can't fit the blonde in the bowling ball.

Q: What's the difference between a pit bull and a blonde with
PMS?
A: Lipstick.

Q: Why does NASA hire peroxide blondes?
A: They're doing research on black holes.

Q: Why do blondes have legs?
A1: So they don't get stuck to the ground.
A2: To get between the bedroom and the kitchen.

Q: Why do blondes wear tampons?
A: Because crabs like Bungie Jumping too.

Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering?
A: More head room.

Q: What do you call a blonde touching her toes?
A: A brunette with bad breath.

Q: What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs?
A: "Nice tits!"

Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common?
A: They both get easier to pick-up with age.

Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A: A dope ring.

Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant.

Q: What do you call two nuns and a blonde?
A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver.

Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.

Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more
attractive?
A: Her ankles.

Q: What do you call a zit on a blonde's ass?
A: A brain tumor.

Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.
Q: Why did God create brunettes?
A: Neither could the blondes.

Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
A: Because it kept falling out.

Q: What is the connection between a blonde and a halogen headlamp?
A: They both get screwed on the front of a Ford Escort.

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and an inflatable doll?
A: About 2 cans of hair spray

Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of
Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"

Q: Why is 68 the maximum speed for blonds?
A: Because at 69 they blow a rod...

thankyouverymuch...

I hope CleverBlonde doesn't read this ;-)

What does a blond say when you tell her she is pregnant?





Are you sure it is mine?

A man goes to the Clinic with a sore elbow. The Nurse hands him a cup and tells him to bring back a urine sample the next day and the Doctor would tell him what the problem was. The guy gets a little pissed thinking, “What kind of crap is this, I’ve got a sore elbow – how’s he going to diagnose that by looking at a urine sample – Well, I’ll fix his ass.” So he goes home and gets both his wife and daughter to provide urine samples, then he beats off and adds that to the sample. The next day he brings it to the Doctor who tells him to call in three days for the results. Three days later he call for the results. The Doctor tells him – “Well, your wife has the clap, your daughter is pregnant, and if you don’t stop beating off your elbow will never get better.”

One more -

This guy starts dating a cute young girl who has a little heart problem. They've been dating for a few weeks when she asks him over to meet her parents. Her father takes him aside and says, "We need to explain something to you son. You see, our daughter has a medical problem"

"Yes, I know - she told me"

"She has acute angina"

"Yeah, and she's got nice tits, too"

another drummer joke-

A drummer tires of constantly being mocked by his fellow bandmates, and decides to set out on his own, and record his own album, playing all the instruments himself.
He pulls in some favours and gets a mate to supply an engineer and studio time for free, the only thing he needs to supply are the instruments themselves.
So he heads down to his local music shop, and has a look around, noting what he likes the look of. Seeing that our drumming friend is obviously looking to buy, the shop owner makes his move...
"Can I help you Sir?"
"Yeah" replies the drummer "I'd like to buy some instruments! I'll take the red saxophone and the big xylophone please!"
The attendant pauses briefly, then says, "Well... I'll sell you the fire extinguisher, but the radiator stays here..."

Three old women are sitting on a park bench when a man comes up and flashes them. Two of them immediately have a stroke and the third couldn't reach.

How is a gynecologist like a pizza boy? They both can smell it, but can't taste it.

What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? [gagging sound]

A stoner finds a poor person on the street and helps him up. The poor person says, "Son, I'm a genie. And since you helped me I'll give you three wishes."

The stoner says, "I want a six inch joint!" The genie says, "Okay!" POOF! They stuff a six inch joint and smoke it between the two of them. "What's the second wish?" asks the genie. "I want a twelve inch joint," says the stoner. "Okay," says the genie. POOOF! And they stuff it and smoke it between the two of them.

"And the third wish?" "I want a twenty inch joint!!" POOOOF!! So, they stuff it and smoke it between the two of them. Finally, the genie gets up and says, "Okay, it's time for me to go."

The genie takes a couple steps, pauses, turns around and says, "Okay, just one more wish."

---------------------------------------------------------

Some stoned dude walks in to 7-11. He goes up to the man behind the counter and says "got any weed?"
He says "no!"
So the stoner leaves.
The stoner comes back and asks the guy behind the counter and says "Hey, you got any weed?"
and he says "No i told you yesterday, we dont sell weed here."
So the stoner leaves again.
The stoner walks in the next day and says "Got any weed?" and the clerk behind the counter says, "Look you farkin burn out we dont sell weed here, if you come in here again, I'm goin to nail your farkin teeth to the floor!!!"
So the stoner leaves.
He comes in the next day.
"you got any nails?"
"No." the clerk replies.
The stoner looks at him in the eyes and says, "You got any weed?"

-------------------------------------------------------

A guy sits down at a bar and has a few drinks. While chatting with the bartender, he notices a huge pickle jar filled with $20 bills. There must be thousands of dollars in the jar. He asks the bartender "What's all that money for?" The bartender replies "That's the challenge jar. You put in your $20, perform three tasks, and you can have all the money in the jar." The man, who is feeling pretty good at this point, asks "What are theses three tasks?" The bartender replies "I can't tell you until you put your $20 in." The man is reluctant but intrigued, and very greedy. So he puts his money in the jar and the bartender explains the challenge. "First, I have a bottle of jalapeno tequila. You have to take 10 shots in 3 minutes without making a face or a noise. Next, my pit-bull out back has cavity, you have to take a pair of pliers and pull his tooth. And finally, my 80-year-old mother lives upstairs. She hasn't had sex since I was born. You have to not only pleasuer her, but give her an orgasm as well." The man considers the challenge for a moment and decides to accept. He drinks the 10 shots of tequila in under 3 minutes and never even breaks a sweat. He rests for a moment, stands up quickly, knocking over the bar stool, and swaggers outside. "Hey dog! Get over here!" is all the patrons here him say before the sounds of barking, biting, gnashing and thrashing fill the bar from the backyard. 10 minutes later, the man staggers back in the bar, bloody and beaten but with a smile on his face. He looks at the bartender with a sheepish grin and says with a slur "OK, now where's the old lady with the sore tooth?!"

---------------------------------------------------------

One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday.
On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are in the beach?" Needless to say, no one could answer.

The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?" and again no one could answer. Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend.

So Thursday night, Johnny takes two ping-pong balls and paints them black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, "Here's this week's question," Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping-pong balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing.

The teacher says, " Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?"

Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, "Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday!"


The end.

Hear about the Happy Roman?
Gladiator
The crosseyed seamstress went to her Gynecologist with a problem: She couldn't mend straight

The teacher was teaching life science to her class of geniuses. Wanting to demonstrate the human tongue's several kind of sensors, she asked little Susie to come to the front of the class, close her eyes and stick out her tongue. Placing a bit of pickle juice on her extended tongue, she said, what is that, Susie? Susie of course indicated that was sour. When a radish was placed on Billie's tongue, he replied, "Ow! that is hot." When the teacher asked little Harold if he recognized the sugar she had placed on his tongue, he said he could not. "C'mon, Harold," said the teacher, "you know what that is; it is something your mommy gives your daddy every day before he goes off to work." Johnnie, from the back of the room yells out "SPIT IT OUT, HAROLD! IT'S A PIECE OF A-S-S!"

I saw your Mom the other day, she had on a sweatshirt, it said UCLA on it.

I said, "God damn, I didn't know you went to college."

She said "I didn't, my name is (oo-cluh)."

What do you get when you cross a Hell's Angel with a Jehovah's Witness?

Someone who comes to your door and tells YOU to fark off.

Haven't seen this one, only got about half way through the jokes:

Two midgets are on vacation. They check into a hotel and then start looking for whores. The first midget walks around town all night and doesn't find any hookers willing to have sex with a midget. So he decides to call it a night and heads back to his hotel room. Along the way, he passes the second midget's room and hears a lot of grunting and thumping. When he sees his midget friend in the hall the next morning, he says, "Sounds like you had a lot of fun last night." The second midget says, "Not hardly, I couldn't reach the bed."

I suck. :)

I like this one, too. Its a cut and paste:

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for
an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard
to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background
checks involved before you can even be considered for
the position. After sending some applicants through the
background checks, training and testing, they narrowed
the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only
one position was available. The day came for the final
test to see which person would get the extremely
secretive job. The CIA men administering the test
took one of the men to a large metal door and handed
him a gun. We must know that you will follow your
instructions no matter what the circumstances," they
explained.

"Inside this room, you will find your wife
sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The man got a shocked look on his face and said,
"You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!"

"Well," says the CIA man, "You're definitely not the
right man for this job then."

So they bring the second man to the same door and hand
him a gun. "We must know that you will follow
instructions no matter what the circumstances,"
they explained to the second man.
"Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair.
Take this gun and kill her."

The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless
took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for
about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out
of the room with tears in his eyes.
"I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger
and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the
job." "No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it
takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they
lead her to the same door to the same room and handed
her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow
instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is
your final test. Inside you will find your husband
sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."
The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the
door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun
start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. They
heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This
went on for several minutes, then all went quiet.
The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow and said
"You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! Ihad to beat him to death with the chair!"

whats better than winning a gold medal in the special olympics?






NOT BEING RETARDED



Subz Funnies

This lady goes into a butcher shop and asks for a Long Island duck. The guy at the counter was kinda new and figured that a duck was a duck and just took the first duck out of the back room and handed it to the lady. The lady then proceeded to stick two fingers up the ducks ass.
"I'm sorry, but this is a Minnesota duck. Can you please get me a Long Island duck?"
The butcher is very perplexed by this, but he goes back into the back room and gets another duck and hands it to the lady. The lady again puts two fingers up the duck's ass.
"No," says the lady, "this is a Rhode Island duck. Now, look, my request is very simple. Just go back and get me a Long Island Duck."
The butcher is getting a little ticked off at this point, but just gets another duck out of the back room and hands it to the lady. The lady then gives the duck the same test.
"Finally, a Long Island duck." she says, "That took you long enough. Are you new here or what? Where are you from?"
The butcher simply turns around, drops his pants, and says "YOU TELL ME, LADY!"

A young boy comes home from school looking lost, so his father asks,

"What's the matter, son?"

"Well, we have been studying sex ed at school, but I just don't understand it." He replies.

"In a confident tone, his father queries,"What don't you understand?"

"Well," the son begins, "I've seen all the diagrams, and I listened to all the lectures, but I still don't understand what a vagina looks like!"

Grinning, the father recollects the time he asked the same question. "Well son, before sex, when you first see a vagina, It's appearance is like that of a hidden treasure, or perhaps a blooming rose (depending on the woman); Its scent is intoxicating, and its delicate appearance hints at the treasure it holds"

The son seems even more confused. "Before sex?" he says, "You mean it looks different after sex? What does it look like then?"

Uneasily, the father replies, "Boy, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonaisse?"

-----------------------------------------------------------
What's black and white and red all over, and has trouble with revolving doors?

A nun with a spear in her head!

OK, here's 2......

1. What do you call the patch of hair between your grandmother's tits???? Her pussy.

2. Little Johny goes to school one day, and reads some dirty
words on the bathroom wall....
That night, he asks his mother, "Mom, what's a biatch?"
Panicking, his mother says, "A biatch is a female dog."
"Okay," he says, "then what's a pussy?"
Quickly, she relpies "A pussy is a cat. A little, cute pussy cat."
Still curious, Johny goes upstairs to his father's bedroom.
"Dad, what's a pussy?"
Thrilled, Johny's father pulls the boy onto his lap, and pulls out the latest Penthouse magazine. He opens the magazine to the centerfold, and with a black marker he circles the model's vagina, and says proudly, "Son, THAT is a pussy.....and a FINE pussy at that!"
Johny nods, and says, "OK, so what's a biatch?"
"Everything outside of the circle."

man walks into a bar... ouch..
two men walk into a bar... ouch, ouch

ENOUGH WITH THE BARS!

From the pre-Dubya era:

President Clinton and Saddam Hussein are at a press conference. Each is standing at a podium across from the other. When Clinton begins his arguments, Saddam presses a button on his podium and a stream of water squirts the President in the face. Saddam chuckles. The President continues, then Saddam presses another button and a pie hits Clinton in the face. Saddam begins laughing very loudly. The President cleans himself up and continues. Saddam then presses another button, and a boot flies out of Clinton's podium and smacks him square in the balls and Saddam falls over laughing. The President, angered, screams, "I don't need this! I'm going back to the White House!"
When the conference continues later, each are standing the same as they were before. Saddam begins talking and President Clinton presses a button. Saddam ducks in anticipation of a stream of water, but nothing happens and Clinton begins chuclkling. Saddam continues, and Clinton presses another button. Saddam ducks, and again nothing happens. The President begins laughing hysterically. Saddam continues, and the President presses another button. Saddam defends himself from the expected boot, but nothing happens. The President falls over laughing and kicking.
"I don't need this! I'm going back to Bagdhad!" Saddam says.
Clinton replies, "What Bagdhad?"

:)

(I might've spelled Bagdhad wrong. :P)

Someone posts a joke...laugh
Someone else posts the same joke...no laugh