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(Yahoo)   Scientist seeks world's funniest joke--Smutty and offensive jokes not accepted   (uk.news.yahoo.com) divider line 311
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2904 clicks; posted to Main » on 06 Sep 2001 at 12:00 AM (12 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2001-09-06 12:02:57 AM
My dog has no nose.

How does he smell?

Terrible.
 
2001-09-06 12:03:45 AM
Monty Python, anyone?
 
2001-09-06 12:05:17 AM
damn, some one got there post in first.
 
2001-09-06 12:05:34 AM
That's gonna suck.
 
2001-09-06 12:10:40 AM
I didn't realize there were any funny jokes that weren't obscene?
 
2001-09-06 12:11:08 AM
Rounded Nose:

*shoots Rounded Nose ala the Gestapo officer in Monty Python*
 
2001-09-06 12:14:01 AM
The first thing I thought of was the Monty Python skit.
 
BX
2001-09-06 12:14:16 AM
I have in my posession such a weapon, however, i will not reveal its location. Such a dangerous weapon must forever be locked in a safe. Whats he gonna do, its not like I expect the Spanish Inquisition..
 
2001-09-06 12:15:55 AM
Drew, you are exactly right... there are jokes, but they aren't funny if you could tell them to ANYone.
 
2001-09-06 12:16:12 AM


ouch.
 
2001-09-06 12:19:32 AM
Smutty and offensive jokes are the only ones I think are funny.
 
2001-09-06 12:23:20 AM
We should have an obcene joke contest. Anyone?
 
2001-09-06 12:24:17 AM
All I know are bad jokes.
(I once collected them as a hobby.)
 
2001-09-06 12:25:42 AM
Scientists hope to dilute the essence of humor, run it through a cheesecloth (to get all the "filth" out), ring it out and then bottle it.

They'll patent it and sell it as "clean laughs" for $2.99 a pint.

Now. Isn't that amusing? Silly scientists. Try beer.
 
2001-09-06 12:28:05 AM
Will they reduce the price by 50p each time england scores?
 
2001-09-06 12:35:27 AM
and 25p every time France surrenders
 
2001-09-06 12:36:30 AM
I think the funniest joke is along these lines:
 
2001-09-06 12:54:05 AM
So this guy's father dies. He tells the undertaker, "I want the VERY best for my father no matter what it costs."

A week after the funeral, the guy gets a bill for $16,000.00. "That's reasonable" he thinks to himself, and he pays it.

A month later, he receives another bill, but this one's only for $85.00. He figures it's to cover some unforseen expenses so he goes ahead and pays it.

A month goes by and he gets another bill for $85.00. Thinking once again it must be for some extras, he pays this one too.

A month later, yet another bill comes for $85.00. He calls the undertaker and asks, "Just why do I keep getting a bill each month for $85.00?"

The undertaker says, "You told me you wanted the VERY best for your father, right? Well, we rented him a tuxedo."
 
2001-09-06 01:02:07 AM
I remember an Isaac Asimov story about humor. A scientist was working with the planetary computer, Multivac, to determine why human beings laughed at jokes, puns, etc. The computer eventually came to the conclusion that humor is an alien experiment on us humans. Unfortunately, as soon as Multivac disclosed that, the experiment was ruined, and the aliens left, taking humor with them.
Bummer.
 
2001-09-06 01:08:49 AM
Wow. Now I want to be a scientist.
 
2001-09-06 01:20:05 AM
Imagine the poor suckers who have to sit around with a bunch wires attached to there head, listening to knock-knock jokes.
I'd rather play with Chuckle's ballons.
 
2001-09-06 01:26:40 AM
Tom knows a few jokes.




But he's not gayeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
 
2001-09-06 01:34:21 AM
A termite walks into a bar and says 'Excuse me, where's the bartender?'
 
2001-09-06 01:38:40 AM
Good Lord, BP!
Those guys are scary!
Look at those expressions.
Brrrrr.
 
2001-09-06 01:45:28 AM
SOYLENT HUMOR IS BAD JOKES, BAD JOKES!!!
 
2001-09-06 01:48:27 AM
WildPony: taking jokes from Maxim, eh?

I'll contribute a joke that I like, although it may be a little obscene:



What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?

A pickpocket snatches watches.
 
2001-09-06 01:49:40 AM
That's funny WildPony. Sometimes the short ones are the best. (At least that's what I tell my wife. About jokes, I mean.)
 
2001-09-06 01:52:48 AM
a guy walks into a bar....OUCH!

2 guys walk into a bar.... OUCH, OUCH!

one of my favs...............
 
2001-09-06 01:54:58 AM
This man is Ernest Scribbler... writer of jokes. In a few moments, he will have written the funniest joke in the world... and, as a consequence, he will die ... laughing.
 
2001-09-06 01:57:51 AM
That name has got to be made up:
"Richard Wiseman, a psychologist from Hertfordshire University".

It sounds so stupid... Hertfordshire... come on, that can't be real.
 
2001-09-06 02:29:41 AM
In an attempt to not offend anyone (watch closely, FARKers....this has never been attempted before in the comments section of this website!), I'm asking if anyone minds if we post the REALLY dirty jokes.

If I don't have some negative feedback to this in about an hour, I'm posting.
 
2001-09-06 02:42:47 AM
PETA is a pretty good joke but too many people find it offensive.
 
2001-09-06 02:54:31 AM
"...help me find my keys, and we can drive out of here!"
 
2001-09-06 02:55:48 AM
AND HERE IT IS:

Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja!
Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput.
 
2001-09-06 02:55:59 AM
This joke works a lot better when it's spoken aloud. Oh well. It's long, but rewarding. Enjoy!

--------------------------------------------------

Little Timmy was walking to school one day in New York City. All of a sudden, a homeless guy ran out of an alley, grabbed him, shook him, gasped "purple box!" and collapsed. He was dead. Timmy was a little shaken up, but he continued on to school, where he arrived a few minutes late. He saw his friend in the hallway, and his friend asked him "Hey Timmy, how come you're late?" "Well," said Timmy, "I was walking to school when this homeless guy runs out of an alley, grabs me, shakes me, says two words to me, and dies." "What were the two words?" asked his friend. "Purple box," replied Timmy.

His friend ran away screaming. That was strange, thought Timmy.

When he finally arrived to class, Timmy's teacher also asked him why he was late. "Well, I was walking to school and this homeless guy ran out of an alley, grabbed me, shook me, said two words to me and died. Then I told my friend about it and he ran away screaming." "What were the two words?" "Purple box."

"What?!" shouted the teacher. "Go to the principal's office! Now!"

Now Timmy was really confused.

Timmy had always been very well behaved, and the principal was surprised to see him in his office. "What are you doing here?" he asked. Timmy repeated his story. "I was walking to school when a homeless guy grabbed me shook me said two words to me and died. I told my friend and he ran away screaming. I told my teacher and she sent me to you." "What were the two words?" Now, Timmy was understandably a little hesitant at this point. "I don't know if I should tell you..." he said to the principal. "Well," replied the principal, "I'll make you a deal. If you tell me, I promise not to give you detention." This sounded good to Timmy. "Purple box," he said.

The principal's face went red, and he said to Timmy, "That's it! You're expelled! Pack your things up and go home." Timmy did as he was told.

When he got home, his mother asked him why he was home so early. He told her. "I was going to school when a homeless guy ran out of an alley grabbed me shook me said two words to me and died. I told my friend and he ran away screaming. I told the teacher and she sent me to the principal. I told the principal and he expelled me." "Oh my!" said his mother. "What were the two words?" Well, Timmy figured he could trust his mother, so he told her. "Purple box."

She gasped, and then yelled "Go to your room and wait for your father to come home!" He went.

A few hours later, Timmy's father came into the room and said "Son, your mothers all worked up about something. What happened?" "I was walking to school when a homeless guy ran out of an alley grabbed me shook me said two words to me and died. I told my friend and he ran away screaming. I told my teacher and she sent me to the principal. I told the principal and he expelled me. I told Mom and she sent me to my room." "Well, what were the two words?" "Uh..." said Timmy. "Look son," said his dad, "I'm your father. What's the worst I can do to you?" "Well....OK. Purple box."

His father's eyes bulged from their sockets. "Get out of my house," he said. Timmy didn't wait to be told twice.

Fortunately, his family was fairly well off, and Timmy himself had quite a bit of money in the bank, at least enough for an airplane ticket to Europe, where he could stay with his relatives. He caught a cab to the airport. The cabbie tried to strike up a conversation. "So what's your story, kid?" "Huh?" "How come you're goin' to the airport, is what I'm askin'," clarified the cabbie. "It's kind of a long story." "We got time." "Well, I was on my way to school this morning when some homeless guy runs out of an alley grabs me shakes me says two words to me and dies. I told my friend and he ran away screaming. I told my teacher and she sent me to the principal. I told the principal and he expelled me. I told my mom and she sent me to my room. I told my dad and he disowned me. Now I'm going to stay with my relatives in Europe." "That's rough," said the cabbie. "What were the two words?" "Well, I'm not sure I--" "Listen, kid, I'm a cabbie. I've heard everything. Just tell me. What am I gonna do?" Timmy sighed. "Purple box."

*screech* "All right, get out of my cab. Go!" Timmy walked to the airport.

The plane he took was a small one, with only a few passengers. He was even able to go up to the cockpit and chat with the pilot when he got bored. "So," said the pilot, "if you don't mind my asking, what brings you to Europe?" Well, Timmy figured that he had a long flight ahead of him and the pilot would get it out of him eventually, so he got it over with. "I was walking to school, and this homeless guy ran out of an alley grabbed me shook me said two words to me and died. I told my friend and he ran away screaming. I told my teacher and she sent me to the principal's office. I told the principal and he expelled me. I told my mom and she sent me to my room. I told my dad and he disowned me. I told a cabbie and he kicked me out of his cab. Now I'm going to stay with my relatives in Europe." So, of course, the pilot asked him, "What were the two words?" "..." said Timmy. "Come on, you can tell me. There's not much I can do to you up here, you know." Timmy reflected on that, and decided the pilot was right, so once again he repeated the words. "Purple box."

"There are parachutes in the back. When I turn around, I don't want to see you."

Timmy put on a parachute and jumped.

As luck would have it, Timmy landed on a very small, nearly uninhabited island in the middle of the Atlantic. It had a hermit living on it. "Hey, what are you doing on my island?" asked the hermit. Timmy took a deep breath. "Iwaswalkingtoschoolwhenahomelessguysranoutofanalleygrabbedmeshookmesaidtwowor dstomeanddiedItoldmyfriendandheranawayscreamingItoldmyteacherandshesentmetothe principalsofficeItoldtheprincipalandheexpelledmeItoldmymomandshesentmetomyroom ItoldmydadandhedisownedmeItoldacabbieandhekickedmeoutofhiscabItoldthepilotandh ekickedmeoutofhisplaneandnowImhere." "That's quite a story," said the hermit. "What were the two words?" Timmy looked at the hermit, and figured he could probably overpower him. "Purple box."

The hermit looked at him for a while. Finally, he said, "You don't know what 'purple box' means, do you?" "No," said Timmy, surprised. The hermit gave this some consideration. "All right," he said, "listen closely. Here's what I want you to do. Take my raft, and go back to New York. Then go to the top of the Empire State Building and look north. There will be your answer."

So Timmy took the raft and paddled until he finally reached New York again. He ran to the Empire State Building and ran up the stairs all the way to the top. He looked north, and he saw a huge billboard with the words "purple box" and an arrow, pointing to a building across the street. He ran down the stairs all the way to the bottom, and as he was crossing the street, a truck ran into him and killed him.

The moral of the story is always look both ways before crossing the street.

---------------------------------------------------

Thank you and good night.
 
2001-09-06 03:15:42 AM
For the love of God, I hope you CC&P'd that from somewhere. Otherwise you are insane
 
2001-09-06 03:17:59 AM
Oh yeah, I almost forgot:

Q: How do you kill 200 flies at the same time?

A: Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan.
 
2001-09-06 03:20:46 AM
Mystic, I heard that same joke (different details, of course) with "Pink Pumpernickel". Funny, no?



Dude
"...help me find my keys and we can drive out of here."


LOL, that's one of my all time favorites.

Ok, since we haven't heard any objections to dirty jokes, here's one of mine.


A midget walks into a whorehouse. He slaps two hundred bucks on the desk and says "I want a whore, now!." The madam assembles all the girls in the waiting room, and asks for a volunteer. All of them are quite reluctant to get it on with a midget though, so the madam picks Mindy. The midget and Mindy walk upstairs, and a couple minutes later, they hear a high-pitched scream, then a thud. All the girls run upstairs and burst through the door to find Mindy, laying on the ground, fainted. The midget is standing there with his pants down, and he's got a two foot cock. One of the girls becomes a little curious and asks "Sir, do you mind if I...if I could just touch it?" The midget says "Sure, but only touching, no sucking. I used to be six feet tall."
 
2001-09-06 03:29:24 AM
How do you get a nun pregnant?


Dress her as an altar boy.
 
2001-09-06 03:40:29 AM
Norad: For the love of God, I hope you CC&P'd that from somewhere. Otherwise you are insane

Uh oh.

Actually, I heard that joke a couple of years ago, and haven't been able to get it out of my mind since. Just thought I'd pass it along.
 
2001-09-06 04:08:50 AM
I hope you are ready for some really bad taste. Here we go.

A pedofile is driving around, looking for a child when he sees a 9 year old girl. He pulls up beside her and says "Hey, I've got a box of smarties. If you get in the car I'll give you 2". The girl looks at him and says, "Tell you what, give the whole box and I'll give you a blow job".
 
2001-09-06 04:25:21 AM
An American, an Englishman and a Belgian are aboard the Titanic when it hits an iceberg.
The Englisman shouts "Women and children first"
The American says "Fuck those women and children"
The Belgian asks "Do we have time for that?"
 
2001-09-06 04:39:21 AM
whats brown and sticky?










a stick.

sorry
 
2001-09-06 04:44:34 AM
Two peanuts were walking through Central Park, and one was assaulted.

Peanut.

(That just doesn't work at all in print... not much funnier said aloud, either)
 
2001-09-06 04:47:06 AM
Two zeroes are walking along through Central Park. After a while the see an eight passing. One zero to the other "Aren't they ashamed of themselves to do it in public?"
 
2001-09-06 05:19:40 AM
I have a friend who recently lost an eye in a car accident. He got a replacement eye, made of wood. He HAD wanted one made of coral, which has a reputation of looking so real it's indistinguishable from real eyes, but it was far too pricy. He also couldn't have a glass eye, because he was allergic to the bonding substance they used for the glass. Finally, he had to settle for the a fake wooden eye instead. While the eye wasn't as good quality, it still looked remarkably real, and only an expert would be able to tell the difference between the wooden eye and a real one.

After the accident (which was admittedly traumatizing) my friend stayed home all the time. He said he was afraid people will see him, with his fake eye, and laugh at him. I told him this was a silly irrational fear, that no one could tell he had a wooden eye, but he wouldn't listen, and even refused to leave his appartment to go get groceries. I had to buy all his food for him.

One day, bringing him a bag of apples, I told him this couldn't continue. He had to get out and get on with life. Again, he refused. I said that I was going to a party that friday night, and he should come along. After hours of persuasion, he finally agreed reluctantly.

However, at the party he just stood in the corner, drinking beer after beer, not talking to anyone or catching anyone's gaze. Walking up to him again, I told him that he should go mingle. Again, he refused, saying people would laugh at his eye.

Pointing at a girl standing in another corner, all alone, I said, 'Look at her there. Her name's Emily, and she thinks she has really big ears. But look, she doesn't really, and she's pretty cute, isn't she? You two have something in common, I think you should go over and talk to her.'

By this point he had quite some alcohol in his bloodstream, and his courage had increased, and he said, 'Yeah, all right, I'll go over and talk to her.'

Sauntering over, my friend struck up a conversation with her, and things started to go well. Both of them had been starved of human contact for a long time, and they hit it off immediately. Happier than he'd been for a long time, he asked Emily, 'Would you like to dance?'

Overjoyed, Emily cried loudly, 'Would I? Would I?'

Enraged, my stupid pal pointed at Emily's head and screamed at the top of his lungs, 'BIG EARS!!! BIG EARS!!!'
 
2001-09-06 05:24:17 AM
Previous joke works better when read out loud, obviously.
 
2001-09-06 05:26:25 AM
Qwerty2 - Dont know about Dr Wiseman - but I live near the University of Hertfordshire and it's where we send all the bozos who can barely tie their own shoelaces.

A boy walks into a shop and asks for a loaf of bread. The shopkeeper says "Brown or white ?" and the boy says "It doesn't matter, I've got my bike outside".
Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
 
2001-09-06 05:33:21 AM
Redbull: I don't get it.
 
2001-09-06 06:05:11 AM
Neither do I.
 
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