Finally, something of substance has appeared in the news. Swine Flu will kill us all. EVERYBODY PANIC.

First off, I mentioned this in my book in the chapter on Media Fearmongering (which, if you read it, you're already recognizing the signs in MSM today). The problem with being the guy telling everyone not to panic is that if you're wrong, you're an idiot. As opposed to being wrong when predicting the apocalypse, in which case everyone just laughs at how silly you were for predicting the apocalypse. If you want to win every argument with no danger of coming down with "Long Term Idiot Stigma", be a consummate pessimist. If you think about it, probably every argumentative asshole you've ever met is one.

Here's why you shouldn't panic:

- The Mexican Government estimates that 86 people (or more) have died from Swine Flu. Okay, that's tragic. But why the hell are we taking their numbers at face value? For starters, if you read the fine print the death numbers being tossed around are estimates. There are 18 confirmed deaths so far. Which ain't awesome, but it's a damn sight better than a hundred.

- In quite a few articles I've read, I've seen statements to the effect of researchers aren't sure why the cases in the US and Canada appear to be milder than the ones in Mexico and none have resulted in death. I know we'd all like to pretend that Mexico has its act together, but last time I checked Mexico was a third world country with third world healthcare. Do the math.

- Speaking of no one having died in the US and Canada, not only has no one in a first world country died from Swine Flu yet, but so far no one's even rumored to be in danger of dying. And most of the confirmed cases got better on their own after a few days at home. EVERYBODY PANIC

- It is no doubt a source of great disappointment to MSM that they can't add that Swine Flu is "drug resistant" or "there's no known cure". Because it's neither, it responds to Tamiflu and other treatments. Yes, I realize there are distribution hurdles in the event of a huge outbreak, but currently it's not an issue and I don't expect it will become one.

PS: if anyone is offended by my portrayal of the Mexican Government and their suckasstic healthcare system as a bunch of 3rd world incompetent boobs, which they are, you'll get over it


You won't see this discussion in MSM because, as humans, we're primed to act on fear. It's human nature. MSM is a reflection of what people are reacting to, not a reflection of what's actually going on in the world. People click the hell out of fearmongering articles, so MSM keeps running them. That, and no MSM outlet wants to be the guys who "didn't see it coming". Buncha pansies.

The problem with making fun of MSM pandemic reporting is that eventually there's going to be a pandemic. You don't have to be Nostradamus to make that call, it's as likely as War, Famine, Taxes, and me drinking beer after dinner (or during). So, although I put myself at risk of contracting "Long Term Idiot Stigma" by saying it, let me be the first to tell you this ain't the big one.

Don't Panic.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-04-19 to Sat 2009-04-25:

  Fourteen horses die right before Florida polo match. It was a biatch getting them out of the pool    

  Stephen Hawking rushed to hospital. Doctors fear he may never walk again    

  Judge rules KKK Imperial Wizard's son is too stupid to stand trial for murder with his dad. Behold, the master race    

  Man sues after being hit in the head with a discus. Says he faces hurdles daily and has now hired a P.R. firm to track and field calls from the media. The bar is set high, but he thinks he can win his case. Javelin    

  Teacher/student sex suspect gets off on a technicality, teenage boys    

  Whale protection research vessel collides with endangered whale. Officials say blubbering would serve no porpoise - it was just a fluke, and they've made the best out of a bad cetacean    

  Indian tribe seeking restitution for lands lost in the 1800s. They plan to Sioux    

  Badly mixed supplement to blame for polo horse deaths, most of the home runs hit in the 1990s    

  Berlin to host the second annual international toad song contest, which will be sponsored by Bud. Weis. Er    

  Couple caught having sex in dumpster. I told you she was trash    

  Man finds Hidden Falls, falls    


Sports:

  Fifty-year old Mark Martin guides his AARP Chevy to the win in Phoenix. Promptly disqualified for having curb feelers that were out of spec    

  The Cavs bench nearly gives Detroit a bailout, letting them cut a 29 point lead to 7 in the fourth quarter before LeBron and his cabinet return to the game to restructure the plan    

  Previously on "All My Celtics", Kevin and Leon were lost and Danny had a heart attack. Today we learn that Tony has been receiving death threats for months, while Rajon has a mysterious foot injury    


Geek:

  You get a leech on your eyeball. Do you c)    

  Dirty dead stars often survived by aimless, drifting rock groups after they are blown away. This is not another Kurt Cobain link    

  Survey indicates that there are five times more paralyzed people in the US than previously thought, citing new survey method where researchers knocked on doors and actually waited more than two minutes for someone to answer  


Showbiz:

  Madonna hospitalized after horse accident. She suffered minor injuries but expected to be back on her knees in no time    

  Rachel Maddow's show has suffered a 40 percent audience drop since last fall, which is to be expected because the nice weather is moving her viewers outside to play softball    

  Lindsay Lohan is scared to pump her own gas for fear of being burned to death, sudden overwhelming urge to fellate the nozzle    


Politics:

  Jane Harman, vigorous Democratic supporter of illegal NSA wiretaps, completely outraged she was wiretapped. Jane, you ignorant slut    

  Jesse Jackson offers to go to Iraq to free journalist. It's a deal, no trade-backs    

  McCain says Obama, in releasing the torture memos, is starting the worst "witch hunt" he's seen since his boyhood in Salem    


Music:

  Pink Floyd sues record label over missing royalties, dark sarcasm, thought control    

  Amy Winehouse wants to write children's books, in case your 9-year-old needs to learn how to freebase cocaine or make a bong out of some tinfoil and an apple    

  Ringo Starr's drum skin from the Beatles-era to be auctioned and expected to fetch £100,000. It's in great condition and only been used for minimal, overly-simplistic beats    


Business:

  Fishing is on the rise, despite a crappie economy    

  So, like the head of MySpace may be replaced by the former chief operating officer of Facebook. No word on how many times this has been Twittered    

  Chrysler might not be able to Dodge Chapter 11    
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