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(Guardian)   You'll be pleased to know a cardiologist took the time to study the "unmitigated drivel" that is "Crank 2: High Voltage." His observations? "The heart surgery at the beginning is implausible in the extreme"   (guardian.co.uk) divider line 74
    More: Dumbass  
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2248 clicks; posted to Entertainment » on 23 Apr 2009 at 12:33 PM (6 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2009-04-23 11:59:47 AM  
www.mediabistro.com

Worst. Movie review. Ever.
 
2009-04-23 12:12:56 PM  
"The heart surgery at the beginning is implausible in the extreme"

well no shiat.

when is the article due from a biologist on whether or not flying unicorns are plausible or not?
 
2009-04-23 12:18:18 PM  
well, that was the biggest case of the O RLY?????????? I ever got

blog.pharmalive.com
 
2009-04-23 12:25:19 PM  
BTW, I expect toshiro fifune's letter opener's head to just explodes in tiny fragments at the sight of this headline LOL!

...and thanks for yours and all you farker's review of this "batshiat insane" flick a few days ago. I honestly cant wait to see it
 
2009-04-23 12:34:51 PM  
wait, there was a crank 1?
 
2009-04-23 12:35:55 PM  
KJM315: wait, there was a crank 1?

Yup,
The main character died...but he got better.
 
2009-04-23 12:37:40 PM  
Uchiha_Cycliste: KJM315: wait, there was a crank 1?

Yup,
The main character died...but he got better.


Whoever knew that falling off a building and having your heart removed could be curable.
 
2009-04-23 12:38:21 PM  
HappyHarryHardOn: BTW, I expect toshiro fifune's letter opener's head to just explodes in tiny fragments at the sight of this headline LOL!

...and thanks for yours and all you farker's review of this "batshiat insane" flick a few days ago. I honestly cant wait to see it


It's better than we can hype it up to be.

/Fark you Chev farking Chelios
 
mhd
2009-04-23 12:39:39 PM  
I liked it when he called someone flicking ashes in a wound "some hygiene issues".

Rather likely that he's just not good enough at writing to convey his sarcasm. Supposed to happen sometimes...

/Next: Donald Knuth on Tron
 
2009-04-23 12:40:58 PM  
There's no way donkey had sex with a dragon and produced donkagons. Their sperm and eggs would have been incompatible. Shrek is bullshiat!!! I want my money back.
 
2009-04-23 12:41:26 PM  
img179.imageshack.us
 
2009-04-23 12:43:03 PM  
2.bp.blogspot.com
 
2009-04-23 12:46:12 PM  
monkeyman3875: Uchiha_Cycliste: KJM315: wait, there was a crank 1?

Yup,
The main character died...but he got better.

Whoever knew that falling off a building and having your heart removed could be curable.


Someone never saw the first one...
 
2009-04-23 12:48:30 PM  
If you're asking for realism,
then watching almost any TV or movie would be a bad call.

Get over it,
enjoy the movie.

Stuff yourself with popcorn.
 
2009-04-23 12:48:35 PM  
Don't get this reviewer started on Lord of the Rings.

/Trees cannot talk
 
2009-04-23 12:49:28 PM  
Well, simply put, until the Israeli government acknowledges a Palestinian state, these atrocities will continue to happen!
 
2009-04-23 12:50:21 PM  
Leave it to TFA to point out the one logical flaw in the series...
 
2009-04-23 12:51:03 PM  
wiredmaverick: Someone never saw the first one...

And what a "shame" that must be for him...
 
2009-04-23 12:51:30 PM  
FTFH&A: "The heart surgery at the beginning is implausible in the extreme"

Holy shiat, really? You mean this is Not a documentary? Well, I guess I'm not going watch it or anything else that does not contain 100% accuracy.

/Well, guess it is time for the second option
//Fox News all nighter
///what?
 
2009-04-23 12:52:25 PM  
Pfft. Next you'll tell me that Highlander was not a documentary, in which the events happened in real time.
 
2009-04-23 12:54:05 PM  
spacechicken170am: There's no way donkey had sex with a dragon and produced donkagons. Their sperm and eggs would have been incompatible. Shrek is bullshiat!!! I want my money back.

To be fair, I have wondered on more than one occasion exactly how that worked. Not the genetics part so much as, well, the connection part.
 
2009-04-23 12:55:33 PM  
Pocket Ninja: spacechicken170am: There's no way donkey had sex with a dragon and produced donkagons. Their sperm and eggs would have been incompatible. Shrek is bullshiat!!! I want my money back.

To be fair, I have wondered on more than one occasion exactly how that worked. Not the genetics part so much as, well, the connection part.


I'm confident a donkey punch was involved at least.
 
2009-04-23 12:56:41 PM  
Masterstuff: Pocket Ninja: spacechicken170am: There's no way donkey had sex with a dragon and produced donkagons. Their sperm and eggs would have been incompatible. Shrek is bullshiat!!! I want my money back.

To be fair, I have wondered on more than one occasion exactly how that worked. Not the genetics part so much as, well, the connection part.

I'm confident a donkey punch was involved at least.


If you have ever slept with a fat chick, you know how the connection work.

/slap the thigh, ride the wave in.
//also, fat chicks tend to have huge vaginas, like two fisted.
///any scientific reason why
 
2009-04-23 12:57:12 PM  
Masterstuff: Pocket Ninja: spacechicken170am: There's no way donkey had sex with a dragon and produced donkagons. Their sperm and eggs would have been incompatible. Shrek is bullshiat!!! I want my money back.

To be fair, I have wondered on more than one occasion exactly how that worked. Not the genetics part so much as, well, the connection part.

I'm confident a donkey punch was involved at least.


Really?

I would have thought they would have done it donkey style.
 
2009-04-23 01:01:33 PM  
wiredmaverick: monkeyman3875: Uchiha_Cycliste: KJM315: wait, there was a crank 1?

Yup,
The main character died...but he got better.

Whoever knew that falling off a building and having your heart removed could be curable.

Someone never saw the first one...


And damn proud of it.
 
2009-04-23 01:03:00 PM  
canadianloon:

/slap the thigh, ride the wave in.
//also, fat chicks tend to have huge vaginas, like two fisted.
///any scientific reason why


When you reach a certain weight it becomes more efficient to feed through two holes.
 
2009-04-23 01:08:15 PM  
The first Crank movie was brilliant, naysayers are missing out.
 
2009-04-23 01:09:55 PM  
scottydoesntknow: canadianloon:

/slap the thigh, ride the wave in.
//also, fat chicks tend to have huge vaginas, like two fisted.
///any scientific reason why

When you reach a certain weight it becomes more efficient to feed through two holes.


That's disgusting, yet feels so right.
 
2009-04-23 01:15:51 PM  
Well, I guess this movie will never make it to Discovery Health now.
 
2009-04-23 01:17:47 PM  
I have an implantable defibrilator that shocks my heart back into submission when it gets out of rhythm, so I'm really getting a kick out of this review.

I'll take "Movies I'll Never See" for $200, Alex.
 
2009-04-23 01:24:23 PM  
i loved crank. it was over the top, just completely crazy action, little plot needed, just killer set pieces.

crank 2 picks up right where the 1st one left off. it was just a pile of ridiculous action, and it rocked.

every movie does not have to be Citizen Kane (thank god, that movie sucks piles of ass).
 
2009-04-23 01:28:47 PM  
frepnog: every movie does not have to be Citizen Kane (thank god, that movie sucks piles of ass).

This. As much as I love "Seven Samurai" some night call for "Godzilla: Final Wars" (it's full of epic and win).
 
2009-04-23 01:30:13 PM  
monkeyman3875: Uchiha_Cycliste: KJM315: wait, there was a crank 1?

Yup,
The main character died...but he got better.

Whoever knew that falling off a building and having your heart removed could be curable.


It was out of a plane. High enough to make a call to his girlfirend and leave a lengthy message about how he let her down again. Very last image is of him blinking after he has bounced off a car, he wasn't completely dead.
 
2009-04-23 01:37:24 PM  
I'm glad we cleared this up. For a minute there, I thought it might be real.
 
2009-04-23 01:38:29 PM  
ClintBartonWannabe: monkeyman3875: Uchiha_Cycliste: KJM315: wait, there was a crank 1?

Yup,
The main character died...but he got better.

Whoever knew that falling off a building and having your heart removed could be curable.

It was out of a plane. High enough to make a call to his girlfirend and leave a lengthy message about how he let her down again. Very last image is of him blinking after he has bounced off a car, he wasn't completely dead.


Well, in his defense....
Um...
sh*t.
 
2009-04-23 01:39:23 PM  
usttsdw: I'm glad we cleared this up. For a minute there, I thought it might be real.

It's based on a true story, there are many documented cases of people jumping out of planes w/o chutes and surviving because they called their girlfriends. Give it a try!
 
2009-04-23 01:43:06 PM  
On the upside, it appears to not have done very well at the theater. Normally we'd point to that as a glimmer of hope, but it is overwhelmed by evidence to the contrary.
 
2009-04-23 01:49:01 PM  
spacechicken170am: There's no way donkey had sex with a dragon and produced donkagons. Their sperm and eggs would have been incompatible. Shrek is bullshiat!!! I want my money back.

How do you know? have you ever seen a dragon and donkey try

Why does Statham keep doing these terrible movies that are all the same. I am sure he can work half he time on a movie with a bigger budget/payday!
 
2009-04-23 01:55:33 PM  
bingo the psych-o: frepnog: every movie does not have to be Citizen Kane (thank god, that movie sucks piles of ass).

This. As much as I love "Seven Samurai" some night call for "Godzilla: Final Wars" (it's full of epic and win).


Thanks for saving me the keystrokes.

i thoroughly enjoyed Crank and look forward to seeing 2. Sometimes ya just wanna shove popcorn in your gob and watch a bald dude kick a bunch of ass.
 
2009-04-23 02:09:30 PM  
JDerek +1 for the Aquateen reference. Happy Time Harry episode was great.

/There can be only OOOOOOoooooneeee.......
 
2009-04-23 02:22:04 PM  
Great, now the whole movie is ruined for me.

/9 seconds later...
 
2009-04-23 02:28:21 PM  
spacechicken170am: There's no way donkey had sex with a dragon and produced donkagons. Their sperm and eggs would have been incompatible. Shrek is bullshiat!!! I want my money back.

Let's be fair, there are a million reasons Shrek is awful, there's no point in highlighting just one.

/would beat my kids before showing them Shrek
 
2009-04-23 02:30:58 PM  
scottydoesntknow: canadianloon:

/slap the thigh, ride the wave in.
//also, fat chicks tend to have huge vaginas, like two fisted.
///any scientific reason why

When you reach a certain weight it becomes more efficient to feed through two holes.


The rest of my lunch is going in the mini-fridge.
 
2009-04-23 02:36:27 PM  
Wow you guys went from donkey on dragon sex to fat chicks in record time.

//impressed
 
2009-04-23 02:39:51 PM  
monkeyman3875: wiredmaverick: monkeyman3875: Uchiha_Cycliste: KJM315: wait, there was a crank 1?

Yup,
The main character died...but he got better.

Whoever knew that falling off a building and having your heart removed could be curable.

Someone never saw the first one...

And damn proud of it.


Proud of depriving yourself of one of the most genuinely entertaining movies of the last decade? Sucks to be you I guess.

/and it was a helicopter, not a building or a plane
 
2009-04-23 02:42:59 PM  
I am a movie snob. I get the most snobbish about action movies. So few action movies are actually what they claim. Most filmmakers take "action" as an excuse to make a stupid, uninteresting movie with a side of explosions. And always, you'll have a few people leaping up to defend the movie, claiming that it's just an action movie.

No. There is a large swath of very bad movies that label themselves as "action" films.

Then there are movies like Crank. Crank was awesome. It didn't waste my time. It established its premise in the open scene, and it stuck to in unflinchingly, and it didn't make any attempt at gravitas (While I enjoyed Shoot 'em Up, that ridiculous action film had the serious flaw of trying to shoehorn in a subplot about gun control and clones and... it just got ahead of itself by trying to have a "point", and was saved only by Paul Giamatti's scenery chewing).

Crank was almost perfectly constructed. While the final act suffered from some pacing issues, Jason Statham's persona was enough to carry it.

Which is another comment worth making about Crank- I don't think any traditional American action star could have carried this film. More than anything, it required very sensitive comic timing- something Statham demonstrated back in the days of Guy Ritchie films. He has comic timing, he can deliver any line, no matter how ridiculous, and sound like he's annoyed at being put out by having to put up with this shiat.
 
2009-04-23 02:44:42 PM  
ChimpZealot: Proud of depriving yourself of one of the most genuinely entertaining movies of the last decade?

no, I saw snatch.
 
2009-04-23 02:45:32 PM  
IT WAS HIS SLED

There,I just saved you two boobless hours.

/Also, Darth Vader is Luke Skywalker's father
 
2009-04-23 02:45:35 PM  
KJM315: no, I saw snatch.

I didn't like Snatch as much as Lock Stock. I enjoyed Crank more than both of them.
 
2009-04-23 03:06:09 PM  
Crank 2 has the best ending of any film ever.

That is fact
 
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