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Television orgasms, exploding pie factories and Swedish transexual philosophers: Headlines of the Week 4/5 to 4/11
Posted by Drew at 2009-04-13 12:16:27 PM (19 comments) | Permalink
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8098 clicks; posted to Main » on 13 Apr 2009 at 2:16 PM (8 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



This has been a pretty busy week, what with Somalian pirates being killed by SEALs and Italian earthquakes (they're like American earthquakes, but more caffeinated and much smokier), and Obama visiting Iraq. For that story, we ran the headline Hussein back in Baghdad, which seemed in very poor taste, which is why we liked it.

Of course, the big news this week is about the Somali pirates. It's too early to tell if Obama pulling out his junk and slapping some pirates with it will have an effect on international perceptions. It won't put anybody's preconceived ideas to bed, but it can't be a bad thing to let some people who hear America speaking softly to be reminded that it still has a big stick (bigger than any previous sticks, if the rumors are to be believed...). Also, do not mess with SEALs. Anybody who can snipe three pirates simultaneously in total darkness, win a Grammy and marry Heidi Klum is someone you definitely don't mess with.

Also in the news, we're starting to wonder if Thailand celebrates every new election of a prime minister with either a coup or threat of open revolt, much the same way that American cities celebrate sports championships by rioting and setting fire to everything that isn't lootable. The Thai red-shirts appear to be just as violent and out of control as last year's yellow-shirts were. If there's one thing that Star Trek has taught us, though, it's not to invest too heavily in the long-term prospects of red-shirts. It's just a matter of time.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-04-05 to Sat 2009-04-11:

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  Hussein back in Baghdad    
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  First gay marriage was legal in Massachusetts, then Connecticut, then Iowa, now it's moving on to Vermont. Yeeeeeeaaaaarrggggh    
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  Man's heart comes to stop. Collaborate and listen, Ice saved his ass with a brand new invention    
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  Driver killed gas attendant because she was a witch. He hates these wiccans    
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  British women are now allowed to orgasm on the television before 11:00 p.m., most still prefer the washing machine    
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  Church to hold Easter services at a bar. Bloody Mary prices not nailed down yet    
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  Swedish transexual wins the right to call herself Immanuel after years of being told that she kant    
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  One killed, six injured in pie factory explosion. Blast heard up to 3.14159265 miles away    
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  News media confirm they have surrounded Captain Phillip's house and are holding his wife hostage, will accept interview as ransom    
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  Due to one careless doctor, Chicago may be facing a tuberculosis outbreak. Choking is not a symptom, so the Cubs should be okay    
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  For the first time, the White House has reached around barriers and invited a gay family to the Easter Egg Roll    
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Sports:

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  Cavaliers release Snow on the grounds that his knee is a licky boom boom down and it ain't gettin back up    
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  Celine Dion considering bid for Montreal Canadiens, if she can get the Titanic theme song back from the Maple Leafs    
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  Greg Norman has now blown more Masters than Barbara Eden    
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Geek:

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  Richard Petnel, maintainer of Ad Block Plus, dead at 57. He was YOU'VE WON, CLICK HERE    
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  Anonymity is becoming a thing of the past, says this article submitted by GooberMcFly    
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  MIT makes a gardening robot that tends plants, finds terra fauna    
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Showbiz:

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  Choreographer from TV show "So You Think You Can Dance" arrested for sexually assaulting his dance students. Expected to go to a place where "So you think you can put your feet above your head" is more commonly used    
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  Megan Fox lined up to play She-Hulk in upcoming movie, directors wanting a sexier yet more savage version of the Hulk. Pants are still expected to rip open, just not hers    
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  ABC will allow the final three episodes of '"Pushing Daisies" to air Saturday nights at 10:00 PM, starting May 30. In other news, stay tuned for the 87th-season premiere event for "According to Jim"    
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Politics:

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  House approves Obama budget, rejects lupus    
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  McCain describes time in Hanoi Hilton, saying "I couldn't control my despair. All my pride was lost." Oddly enough, other men feel the same way about time in Paris Hilton    
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  Bainimarama sworn in again as Fiji PM, looks like it's gonna be a cruel, cruel summer    
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Music:

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  And you may find yourself in Prospect Park... and you may find yourself at a Celebrate Brooklyn concert... and you may find yourself paying really low ticket prices... and you may ask yourself, "Well... how did David Byrne get here?"    
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  Rapper Flo Rida wants fans to call his cell phone. If it doesn't pick up, its because his ringer was on low low low low low low low low    
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  Billy Bob Thornton booed at Toronto concert after insulting Canadians, even though badmouthing Canucks is an American tradition going all the way back to when they successfully invaded the U.S. and burned down the White House  


Business:

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  Airline service best in four years, says reporter who has not travelled by plane since 2004    
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  GM feels that selling a biatchin' Camaro will boost image, increase sales of Dead Milkmen CDs    
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  Merkin accused of cover up    
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· · ·

19 Comments     (+0 »)
 
 
2009-04-13 12:31:52 PM  
Greg Norman has now blown more Masters than Barbara Eden

That is very good.
 
2009-04-13 02:08:23 PM  
First gay marriage was legal in Massachusetts, then Connecticut, then Iowa, now it's moving on to Vermont. Yeeeeeeaaaaarrggggh

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA

/A++++++ headline
//would BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA again
 
2009-04-13 02:17:59 PM  
Woo, I finally got a headline of the week.
 
2009-04-13 02:21:06 PM  
Bah, thought my Malaysia headline had a shot. Oh well, there's always next week.
 
2009-04-13 02:21:41 PM  

Calamormine: Bah, thought my Malaysia headline had a shot. Oh well, there's always next week.


Next time, do a better job of chargin' Malaysia...
 
2009-04-13 02:22:11 PM  
Somali pirates got killed by Italian earthquakes? Awesome!
 
2009-04-13 02:25:11 PM  
At least there are not any repeats as HOTW this week.
 
2009-04-13 02:27:14 PM  
Schadenfreude ist die schoenste Freude

At least there are not any repeats as HOTW this week.

When I woke up Saturday, I was worried that the Chicago TB scare would already be listed.
Glad it wasn't.
 
2009-04-13 02:28:07 PM  

NewportBarGuy: Somali pirates got killed by Italian earthquakes? Awesome!


I hate to admit it, but I stumbled on that, too.
Don't usually bite the hand that feeds me.
 
2009-04-13 02:28:32 PM  

The English Major: When I woke up Saturday, I was worried that the Chicago TB scare would already be listed.
Glad it wasn't.


Well done. That one made me laugh.
 
2009-04-13 02:32:01 PM  
Schadenfreude ist die schoenste Freude

The English Major: When I woke up Saturday, I was worried that the Chicago TB scare would already be listed.
Glad it wasn't.

Well done. That one made me laugh.


Thanks. After the repeat I submitted last week (didn't realize it was a repeat until you pointed it out) I figured I had to try and redeem myself.
 
2009-04-13 02:51:46 PM  

xanadian: Calamormine: Bah, thought my Malaysia headline had a shot. Oh well, there's always next week.

Next time, do a better job of chargin' Malaysia...


I lolled.
 
2009-04-13 02:57:51 PM  
Nothing stands out.None are remotely funny.

One killed, six injured in pie factory explosion. Blast heard up to 3.14159265 miles away

This gets my vote for being clever,but wtf do I know.
 
2009-04-13 02:59:53 PM  

xanadian: First gay marriage was legal in Massachusetts, then Connecticut, then Iowa, now it's moving on to Vermont. Yeeeeeeaaaaarrggggh

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA

/A++++++ headline
//would BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA again


Woohoo! I got a HOTW nom!

But mad props to the Immanuel Kant subby -- that's a shoo-in for HOTY
 
2009-04-13 03:24:17 PM  

The English Major: Thanks. After the repeat I submitted last week (didn't realize it was a repeat until you pointed it out) I figured I had to try and redeem myself.


Feh, wasn't your fault.

Either way, congrats.
 
2009-04-14 03:42:41 AM  
Woot! My pie (pi) headline made it! Famous for 3.14159265 seconds!
 
2009-04-15 04:33:31 PM  

ElPresidente: Woot! My pie (pi) headline made it! Famous for 3.14159265 seconds!


I really liked that one! Bravo!

One of mine is up there too. I AM JUST SAYING!
 
2009-04-16 07:46:41 AM  
Thanks, and congrats to you too! Which one is yours, and can I have some of your cake please?
 
2009-04-16 02:59:07 PM  

ElPresidente: Thanks, and congrats to you too! Which one is yours, and can I have some of your cake please?


Mine is the Snow headline in Sports.

And yes, you may have some of my cake. I will even let you have some totally stab-free! It has raspberry filling.
 
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