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Naked karate fights, textual harassment and a Wynn/Wynn situation: Headlines of the Week 3/8 - 3/14 
Posted by Drew at 2009-03-16 11:20:39 AM (23 comments) | Permalink
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6955 clicks; posted to Main » on 16 Mar 2009 at 11:25 AM (5 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



It's not Fark it's News: Still nothing much to report. "The economy still sucks" articles are getting pretty hard to write. As a journalist you can't write an article called "The economy still sucks". Something has to change, or a different angle has to be taken. Luckily, AIG seems to be happy enough to hand out bonuses on a regular basis that we can all get outraged about. Keep an eye out for polls being run as news: From CNN today - "Job worries have tripled, poll shows". No need to read the articles on those, the headlines pretty much sum up the result. It's occasionally useful to read them closely, though, because sometimes journalists use bad math to make a more stunning conclusion. Usually by switching from amount of change (volume) to rate of change (percentage). A 25% increase is a scarier statement than saying the sample size was only 12 people to begin with. Next time I find an example I'll post it.

My favorite criminal defense reared its head today: "it's an art project". Maybe someone somewhere got off using this defense? You don't see it too often, which makes me think the answer is no. My earliest recollection of a similar story was a few years back where a guy got arrested for walking around a county fair with his nutsack hanging out of his zipper. His defense was that it was really a performance art piece, and therefore protected speech. It didn't work. Incidentally, telling that story is why I got booted off of Mancow's radio show on my first appearance. I said the word 'nutsack' in the first five seconds and got dumped. Nutsack.

Anyway, here are some of our favorite headlines from last week:

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-03-08 to Sat 2009-03-14:

img1.fark.net  Vatican claims washing machine is most liberating 20th century invention for women. Sybian didn't even make the list    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Twittering encouraged in church. Submitter still afraid of being text-communicated    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  UK government may introduce eBay-style customer feedback for police forces. A+++++++ Would fall down stairs again    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Saving forests can create 10 million jobs. Mostly branch managers    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Defendants in asbestos-related wrongful death civil suit confiscate plaintiff's body at the cemetery just as his family was trying to bury him. Can't we all just get a lung?    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Naked man challenges neighbors to karate fight, breaking several penal codes in the process    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Man kills girlfriend after she tells him he can't have any more beer, then enjoys a cold one    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Kenyan-born Muslim claims he is an American, not a terrorist. Like we haven't heard that one before    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Ten kids accidentally drink windshield wiper fluid at day care; employees noticed something was wrong when the kids started swaying back and forth rhythmically    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  You can get married at Juliet's house in Verona, but be aware that while it may seem romantic at first, it will probably end up being a tragedy    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  The wheels on the bus are three blocks back, three blocks back, three blocks back    img.fark.net


Sports:

img1.fark.net  Michael Vick's house doesn't sell at auction, will be euthanized    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Chicago Cubs once again threatening to block view of Sheffield Ave. rooftop bleachers. As if an unobstructed view for the past 100 years wasn't punishment enough    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Seeking to find the best metaphor for his program, Tennessee Vols football player injures himself while running into a brick wall    img.fark.net


Geek:

img1.fark.net  Textual harrassment may be a stupid phrase, but it is also the first known way to make a teenage girl turn off her phone    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Archaeologists unearth grave of Italian woman buried with a brick in her mouth, meaning she was either a vampire or someone's mother-in-law    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Scientists have discovered several species that are only found near the poles, just like your mom    img.fark.net


Showbiz:

img1.fark.net  Octo Mom alone again. You know, except for the 14 kids and Ed McMahon delivering her monthly welfare check    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Ashlee Simpson to be cast in Melrose Place remake. Send this beast back from Wentz it came    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Jennifer Love Hewitt is getting over her engagement with Jamie Kennedy, lobotomy    img.fark.net


Politics:

img1.fark.net  Eliot Spitzer used to play this little game with the women he hired for sex. Let's just say he helped them out with their Mets-in-September impersonations    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Newest Obama appointee's office raided by FBI. Left finally comes to terms that Obama is not Jesus. Jesus could actually build a cabinet    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Georgia governor emphasizes he would oppose stem cell research, indoor plumbing, dentistry, fancy book learnin'    img.fark.net


Music:

img1.fark.net  David Crosby to sell his yacht in the hopes of raising funds for a seventeenth liver    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Amy Winehouse replaced for Coachella, instead they'll just flip on a drum machine with recorded loops and a strobe light flashing in the background. Or, as they like to refer to themselves, The Orb and Chemical Brothers    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Michael Jackson sells out 50 London concerts, prompting Pepsi to issue commemorative Michael Jackson edition, which comes in little cans    img.fark.net


Business:

img1.fark.net  Applications to the top liberal-arts schools drop 20% as students realize there is no longer any need to earn a Liberal Arts degree to remain unemployable    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Casino mogul files for divorce. Looks like a Wynn/Wynn situation    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Six Flags on the verge of filing Chapter 11. Restructuring terms will force debt collectors to stand in a gigantic zig-zag line for hours, only to have the check printing machine break down when they're next in line    img.fark.net
· · ·
(view entire blog)


23 Comments   (+0 »)
   
 
2009-03-16 11:27:59 AM  
The headline that caught me off guard and made me laugh this week:

UK government may introduce eBay-style customer feedback for police forces. A+++++++ Would fall down stairs again

Pretty good headlines all around.
 
2009-03-16 11:37:11 AM  
I'd have to vote for the Wynn/Wynn headline. Both as a Las Vegan, and for the Epic Failure in which the guy got caught cheating on his wife.

If you own a hotel that you and your wife live at, it's probably not a good idea to hook-up with your mistress by using another suite at that same hotel. Especially if you need a service call in the middle of the night, and they send technicians to the wrong room when you're supposed to be out of town.
 
2009-03-16 11:40:39 AM  
These are all too good. I cant pick just one...though the Ed McMahon comment in the Octomom headline made the rest of the office look at me funny.
 
2009-03-16 11:41:46 AM  
I laughed, I cried, they were better than Cats!
 
2009-03-16 11:46:12 AM  
I'm disappointed my headline about screwing everyone's wife didn't make the cut.

/they can't all be winners, now can they, kid?
 
2009-03-16 11:48:52 AM  
Nutsack.
 
2009-03-16 11:49:52 AM  
Newest Obama appointee's office raided by FBI. Left finally comes to terms that Obama is not Jesus. Jesus could actually build a cabinet.

/wynner
 
2009-03-16 11:56:37 AM  
That Michael Jackson one doesn't deserve it.
 
2009-03-16 11:56:47 AM  
griffer: Newest Obama appointee's office raided by FBI. Left finally comes to terms that Obama is not Jesus. Jesus could actually build a cabinet.

/wynner


Yeah this one should be a candidate for "of the year"
 
2009-03-16 12:00:39 PM  
Michael Jackson FOR THE WIN. I called distant relatives to quote it.
 
2009-03-16 12:00:41 PM  
griffer: Newest Obama appointee's office raided by FBI. Left finally comes to terms that Obama is not Jesus. Jesus could actually build a cabinet.

/wynner


Yeah, I've got to call that one my favorite too.
 
2009-03-16 12:04:04 PM  
The "wheels on the bus" headline made me laugh, thanks subby, whoever you are.

/nutsack
 
2009-03-16 12:10:33 PM  
What about the poison mushroom story? Get off my lawn!
 
2009-03-16 12:24:49 PM  
Newest Obama appointee's office raided by FBI. Left finally comes to terms that Obama is not Jesus. Jesus could actually build a cabinet

This made me lol the first and second time I read it...

/and third
//comedy GOLD!
///GOBAMA!
 
2009-03-16 12:25:42 PM  
kagemaru026: These are all too good. I cant pick just one...though the Ed McMahon comment in the Octomom headline made the rest of the office look at me funny.

Heh, thank you. Was pretty proud of that one.

/I got into the headline of the week!
//Top o' the world, ma!
 
2009-03-16 01:04:15 PM  
Cheery Pi: Newest Obama appointee's office raided by FBI. Left finally comes to terms that Obama is not Jesus. Jesus could actually build a cabinet

This made me lol the first and second time I read it...

/and third
//comedy GOLD!
///GOBAMA!


Me, too, if by first time you mean when it was in reference to Jimmy Carter. Or Millard Fillmore. Or Taft. Seriously, joke is old.

/Was worth a chuckle this time around, too.
 
2009-03-16 03:19:50 PM  
I'm surprised that Drew didn't mention the fact that some PR outfits are getting their ridiculous annual "NCAA Tournament costs economy $XXX-billion in lost productivity" stories ready this week.
 
2009-03-16 03:48:00 PM  
Subby - the Michael Jackson one had me ROFLMCO!!!
 
2009-03-16 06:24:02 PM  
Drew: Incidentally, telling that story is why I got booted off of Mancow's radio show on my first appearance. I said the word 'nutsack' in the first five seconds and got dumped. Nutsack.

But it's okay, because Mancow is an idiot.
 
2009-03-16 06:50:30 PM  
Newest Obama appointee's office raided by FBI. Left finally comes to terms that Obama is not Jesus. Jesus could actually build a cabinet

Twittering encouraged in church. Submitter still afraid of being text-communicated

Man kills girlfriend after she tells him he can't have any more beer, then enjoys a cold one


Definitely HOTY nominees right there.
 
2009-03-16 07:29:19 PM  
Cheery Pi: Newest Obama appointee's office raided by FBI. Left finally comes to terms that Obama is not Jesus. Jesus could actually build a cabinet

This made me lol the first and second time I read it...

/and third
//comedy GOLD!
///GOBAMA!


I don't know how many times I hashed out that joke over and over again (claiming it to be my own wit) over the past week or so.
 
2009-03-16 08:29:28 PM  
The Florida headline wins in a landslide
 
2009-03-16 09:01:28 PM  
CornFedIowan: Newest Obama appointee's office raided by FBI. Left finally comes to terms that Obama is not Jesus. Jesus could actually build a cabinet

Twittering encouraged in church. Submitter still afraid of being text-communicated

Man kills girlfriend after she tells him he can't have any more beer, then enjoys a cold one

Definitely HOTY nominees right there.


I proudly lay claim to the text-communicated headline; I didn't even realize it went green until the next day. And now, without further ado: Woo hoo I got one of the HOTW!
 
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