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Christian salt, contraceptive robberies, and a wallet full of teeth: Fark's Headlines of the Week 3/1 to 3/7 
Posted by Drew at 2009-03-09 1:13:30 PM (21 comments) | Permalink
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5614 clicks; posted to Main » on 09 Mar 2009 at 1:17 PM (6 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



It's Not Fark It's News: not really a whole lot going on. Geopolitical attention whore North Korea is making a bunch of noise today. One possible bit of hilarity on deck: in response to North Korea announcing that they'll be doing a "peaceful" satellite launch, Japan has moved an anti-ballistic missile ship into the area. North Korea claims that an attack on their launch will be an act of war. Are they serious? Who knows. Bunch of nutjobs over there.

Speaking of nutjobs, someone's trying to restart the conflict in Northern Ireland by shooting British soldiers. Chances of success don't seem very high, very few people want to go back to the way things were before.

Hilarious moments in news from around the web this morning.

CNN.com's lead story this morning: Boat Made of Plastic Bottles to Sail to Australia. 15,000 bottles! 11,000 miles! And more huge numbers!

Also on CNN, I can't figure out the angle on the story about the bullet-deflecting bible in the church shooting yesterday. Normally this would be an attempt to claim some kind of miracle was involved, but the guy died anyhow. Not really sure what kind of miracle we've got here. Notice that whenever a miracle is "good", such as a church surviving while an entire town is levelled during a hurricane, it's taken as a measure of God's mercy but when a miracle is "bad", such as lightning strikes a church and burns it down, it's just a random occurence.

So I went to FoxNews.com to try to find something hilarious. Other than amusing wording (North Korea Warns... 'FULLY COMBAT READY' - implication: EVERYBODY PANIC), FoxNews.com actually has all real news as their lead stories. A little farther down the page you can read about the Kangaroo Home Invasion and missing white chicks but above the fold it's all news. Damn you FoxNews.com for killing my point.

And now that I've checked it, MSNBC is pretty much the same as FoxNews.com - all real news up top, scroll down a bit to find the articles about the man owning an endangered ape and the like. I'm gonna have to recheck these sites next week, I was just assuming that every news site had gone over to the Not News Dark Side. This morning it's just CNN - The Most Trusted Name in Not News.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-03-01 to Sat 2009-03-07:

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  Man who robbed gas station made no threats, displayed no gun, simply offered an apology as he fled with a fistful of cash. Authorities on the lookout for a Canadian    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  Man finds ten human teeth in wallet at Walmart. That's just decadent    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  Man markets Christian salt to stand against the cabal that markets kosher salt. Customers dismayed it's only available in pillar form    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  Carpenters face higher-than-average asbestos death rate, higher-than-average resurrection rate    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  Moran arrested for child porn. Good. Good arrested for looking at kid's johnson. Johnson arrested with pics of kid in leathers. Leathers arrested with more, I see. Morici arrested too. Moran    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  Armed men steal contraceptives in Indonesia. Police find the idea inconceivable    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  Scottish ministers to launch new anti-alcoholism campaign as soon as the room stops spinning and they work out where they are    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  Prosecutor receives kidney from rival defense attorney after learning they have the same blood type: cold    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  Java's tallest volcano erupts, spewing smoke and ash from its grande venti    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  Sexy maid service features young women in french maid uniforms, fishnet stockings and stillettos who will dust your TV and scrub your counters, but won't clean your toilet. Because that's degrading    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  Nine firefighters help save St. Bernard with its ass frozen to an icy lake, proving once again that there's nothing a firefighter won't do to get a free drink    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]


Sports:

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  Darryl Strawberry says he would have used performance enhancing drugs, but there's only so many hours in a day    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  Brian Bosworth busted for DUI on his license-less motorcycle on Hollywood Blvd. Hopefully this won't jeopardize his much-anticipated stage adaptation of Dog The Bounty Hunter    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  Buffalo Bills sign T.O., consider further improving team's image by bringing O.J. out of retirement    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]


Geek:

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  Top ten facts about the center of our solar system. The sun is there    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  Broccoli and cabbage-based drug could inhibit melanoma, close friendships    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  Realizing they haven't completely destroyed music yet, MTV plans a Beatles video game. You start out small, gain more power than Jesus, and then fall victim to a vapid screech owl    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]


Showbiz:

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  Lindsay Lohan wants to convert to Judaism. Guess she hasn't heard about how they frown on eating clams    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  Jessica Rabbit voted cartoon sex bomb, followed closely by Betty Boop, because every guy's fantasy is a head like a deformed potato with no chin who talks like a 9-year-old with Down's syndrome    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  Custody battle rages over a statue of Minnie Pearl. It's sad enough the woman went through life with a price on her head    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]


Politics:

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  Barbara Bush has heart, surgery    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  Hugo Chavez seizes US rice production facility. Arroz by any other name    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  Howard Dean reportedly next Surgeon General, practicing epic "I Have A Scream" speech    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]


Music:

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  New York's West 53rd Street to be renamed 'U2 Way', authorities couldn't find one without a name    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  Fatboy Slim is f*cking in rehab. Fatboy Slim is f*cking in rehab. Fatboy Slim is f*cking in rehab. F*cking n f*cking n f*cking in rehab    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  Chris Brown allowed to have contact with Rihanna, but only one fist at a time    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]


Business:

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  With pullout of multiple partners, Virgin may lose status    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  Gold hits $940 an ounce. Shovel, pan, and donkey sales increase    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  Head of central bank of Lebanon bans investment in mortgage-backed securities by Lebanese banks, sparing Lebanon worst of financial crisis. In other news, something good happened in Lebanon    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]
· · ·
(view entire blog)


21 Comments   (+0 »)
   
 
2009-03-09 01:19:52 PM  
Bonus this week: music headlines. There didn't used to be enough of those to make a contest, but I looked this week and saw we're getting more music headlines and they deserve a little love, too.

The headline that made me erupt in laughter this week: Jessica Rabbit voted cartoon sex bomb, followed closely by Betty Boop, because every guy's fantasy is a head like a deformed potato with no chin who talks like a 9-year-old with Down's syndrome
 
2009-03-09 01:20:11 PM  
No comment
 
2009-03-09 01:23:35 PM  
Could we please get the fark sports tab fixed so that when you click it from the mainpage, you can see all the greenlit articles? The yardbarker is cutting off the top few links.
 
2009-03-09 01:25:10 PM  
i have nothing to say. just posting.
 
2009-03-09 01:25:29 PM  
Fantastic, some of my favourites from the week as well.
 
2009-03-09 01:28:19 PM  
Okay.
 
2009-03-09 01:31:29 PM  
Top ten facts about the center of our solar system. The sun is there

A nice spin on an old classic
 
2009-03-09 01:31:56 PM  
Rightoh.
 
2009-03-09 01:43:04 PM  
I submitted this with a better headline.
 
2009-03-09 01:44:37 PM  
Where's the "Rush challenges Obama to a debate, reminds him that if he chooses not to decide he still has made a choice".

That one is headline of the year material.
 
2009-03-09 01:53:20 PM  
I LOL'd at the Fatboy Slim one.
 
2009-03-09 02:07:42 PM  
Moran... and Carpenters...

Great headlines.
 
2009-03-09 02:14:35 PM  
Thanks for fixing my typo involving a semicolon, Drew.
 
2009-03-09 02:14:45 PM  
Unfreakable: Bonus this week: music headlines. There didn't used to be enough of those to make a contest, but I looked this week and saw we're getting more music headlines and they deserve a little love, too.

The headline that made me erupt in laughter this week: Jessica Rabbit voted cartoon sex bomb, followed closely by Betty Boop, because every guy's fantasy is a head like a deformed potato with no chin who talks like a 9-year-old with Down's syndrome



thanks, but really I was just describing what I always saw... :)

out of curiosity, will the music tab now be a weekly part of this, or is this just this one time?
 
2009-03-09 02:21:18 PM  
toddalmighty: Where's the "Rush challenges Obama to a debate, reminds him that if he chooses not to decide he still has made a choice".

That one is headline of the year material.


THIS. Easily beats anything else on this page.
 
2009-03-09 02:22:28 PM  
Moran arrested for child porn. Good. Good arrested for looking at kid's johnson. Johnson arrested with pics of kid in leathers. Leathers arrested with more, I see. Morici arrested too. Moran

I didn't read this one the first time around, I'm glad I got a second chance.
 
2009-03-09 02:38:16 PM  
HappyHarryHardOn: out of curiosity, will the music tab now be a weekly part of this, or is this just this one time?

I'd like it to be a permanent thing. If there are enough headlines to make a contest of it next week, it'll be here again. Probably will stay as long as there are enough headlines.
 
2009-03-09 03:56:52 PM  
Unfreakable: HappyHarryHardOn: out of curiosity, will the music tab now be a weekly part of this, or is this just this one time?

I'd like it to be a permanent thing. If there are enough headlines to make a contest of it next week, it'll be here again. Probably will stay as long as there are enough headlines.


Glad to hear! The tab is, indeed, getting more and more headlines
 
2009-03-09 05:46:43 PM  
 
2009-03-09 06:10:52 PM  
One of the strongest weeks I've seen here. Good show ol chap.
 
2009-03-09 06:11:44 PM  
Yardbarker should be called BrowserFarker.

I can't view the Sports tab at all from my Blackberry, and it times out my Firefox.

Please kill it with fire.

Thanks
 
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