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Christian salt, contraceptive robberies, and a wallet full of teeth: Fark's Headlines of the Week 3/1 to 3/7
Posted by Drew at 2009-03-09 1:13:30 PM (21 comments) | Permalink
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It's Not Fark It's News: not really a whole lot going on. Geopolitical attention whore North Korea is making a bunch of noise today. One possible bit of hilarity on deck: in response to North Korea announcing that they'll be doing a "peaceful" satellite launch, Japan has moved an anti-ballistic missile ship into the area. North Korea claims that an attack on their launch will be an act of war. Are they serious? Who knows. Bunch of nutjobs over there.
Speaking of nutjobs, someone's trying to restart the conflict in Northern Ireland by shooting British soldiers. Chances of success don't seem very high, very few people want to go back to the way things were before.
Hilarious moments in news from around the web this morning.
CNN.com's lead story this morning: Boat Made of Plastic Bottles to Sail to Australia. 15,000 bottles! 11,000 miles! And more huge numbers!
Also on CNN, I can't figure out the angle on the story about the bullet-deflecting bible in the church shooting yesterday. Normally this would be an attempt to claim some kind of miracle was involved, but the guy died anyhow. Not really sure what kind of miracle we've got here. Notice that whenever a miracle is "good", such as a church surviving while an entire town is levelled during a hurricane, it's taken as a measure of God's mercy but when a miracle is "bad", such as lightning strikes a church and burns it down, it's just a random occurence.
So I went to FoxNews.com to try to find something hilarious. Other than amusing wording (North Korea Warns... 'FULLY COMBAT READY' - implication: EVERYBODY PANIC), FoxNews.com actually has all real news as their lead stories. A little farther down the page you can read about the Kangaroo Home Invasion and missing white chicks but above the fold it's all news. Damn you FoxNews.com for killing my point.
And now that I've checked it, MSNBC is pretty much the same as FoxNews.com - all real news up top, scroll down a bit to find the articles about the man owning an endangered ape and the like. I'm gonna have to recheck these sites next week, I was just assuming that every news site had gone over to the Not News Dark Side. This morning it's just CNN - The Most Trusted Name in Not News.
Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-03-01 to Sat 2009-03-07:
Man who robbed gas station made no threats, displayed no gun, simply offered an apology as he fled with a fistful of cash. Authorities on the lookout for a Canadian
Man finds ten human teeth in wallet at Walmart. That's just decadent
Man markets Christian salt to stand against the cabal that markets kosher salt. Customers dismayed it's only available in pillar form
Carpenters face higher-than-average asbestos death rate, higher-than-average resurrection rate
Moran arrested for child porn. Good. Good arrested for looking at kid's johnson. Johnson arrested with pics of kid in leathers. Leathers arrested with more, I see. Morici arrested too. Moran
Armed men steal contraceptives in Indonesia. Police find the idea inconceivable
Scottish ministers to launch new anti-alcoholism campaign as soon as the room stops spinning and they work out where they are
Prosecutor receives kidney from rival defense attorney after learning they have the same blood type: cold
Java's tallest volcano erupts, spewing smoke and ash from its grande venti
Sexy maid service features young women in french maid uniforms, fishnet stockings and stillettos who will dust your TV and scrub your counters, but won't clean your toilet. Because that's degrading
Nine firefighters help save St. Bernard with its ass frozen to an icy lake, proving once again that there's nothing a firefighter won't do to get a free drink
Darryl Strawberry says he would have used performance enhancing drugs, but there's only so many hours in a day
Brian Bosworth busted for DUI on his license-less motorcycle on Hollywood Blvd. Hopefully this won't jeopardize his much-anticipated stage adaptation of Dog The Bounty Hunter
Buffalo Bills sign T.O., consider further improving team's image by bringing O.J. out of retirement
Top ten facts about the center of our solar system. The sun is there
Broccoli and cabbage-based drug could inhibit melanoma, close friendships
Realizing they haven't completely destroyed music yet, MTV plans a Beatles video game. You start out small, gain more power than Jesus, and then fall victim to a vapid screech owl
Lindsay Lohan wants to convert to Judaism. Guess she hasn't heard about how they frown on eating clams
Jessica Rabbit voted cartoon sex bomb, followed closely by Betty Boop, because every guy's fantasy is a head like a deformed potato with no chin who talks like a 9-year-old with Down's syndrome
Custody battle rages over a statue of Minnie Pearl. It's sad enough the woman went through life with a price on her head
Barbara Bush has heart, surgery
Hugo Chavez seizes US rice production facility. Arroz by any other name
Howard Dean reportedly next Surgeon General, practicing epic "I Have A Scream" speech
New York's West 53rd Street to be renamed 'U2 Way', authorities couldn't find one without a name
Fatboy Slim is f*cking in rehab. Fatboy Slim is f*cking in rehab. Fatboy Slim is f*cking in rehab. F*cking n f*cking n f*cking in rehab
Chris Brown allowed to have contact with Rihanna, but only one fist at a time
With pullout of multiple partners, Virgin may lose status
Gold hits $940 an ounce. Shovel, pan, and donkey sales increase
Head of central bank of Lebanon bans investment in mortgage-backed securities by Lebanese banks, sparing Lebanon worst of financial crisis. In other news, something good happened in Lebanon
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