OOwwww... the police should really sack it to her.

Call me a curmudgeon, but baboon fingernails through the scrotum does not qualify as "Amusing."

What did Magnum do to Higgins after that?

I'm now in too much pain to comment on this.

/scrotum.

Oww My Balls.....

I read the entire thing. Now I'm farking depressed. Why can't some of those people just volunteer at their zoos or local animal shelters? Especially the lady whose chimp pulled out her tooth during a "show" at a hotel. SHe did not need primates.

"She wants to sell my monkey!!!"


/hot like back scratched with a hacksaw

THAT IS NOT HOW YOU FORMAT NESTED QUOTATIONS! D:

Higgins, teeth already chattering, follows the generous line of primo shiat all the way to the edge of the table. Unfortunately, nobody told him to put the straw into his nose instead of his mouth, and his gums were numb for the next six months.

Any pet that pierced my scrotum, would immediately have its job description changed to "drywall stress tester".

Whites love to humanize animals

Old and busted: UFIA
New hotness: UNIS

\Got nothing

I just finished wrestling the monkey. Weird.

Jesus, why not just have a kid? They might suck, but they might also be ok. A monkey is going to end up as a nightmare no matter what, and you get to kick the kid out at 18 if it's not working out.

"Told you I was hardcore."


/link as hot as the Hawaiian sun

Okay someone got mauled by a pet monkey last week so the media is hunting down other monkey owners to create follow up non-stories.

Hey dude if a monkey tries to rip off your scrotum it doesn't love you, it just loves the food you bring it.

Alleyoop: "Told you I was hardcore."


/link as hot as the Hawaiian sun

Came here for that Higgins. Thank you.

It seems like every one of these stories ends up with the owner locked in a violent fight with a physically superior primate. These monkey owners are like battered wives that stay with their husbands. "well he ripped up my ball-bag but we love him" or "He started attacking me and I called my wife to grab my .22 rifle to shoot him in the head but we love him" or "he attacked me wildly and starting biting me all over it felt like hell, I tried to choke him to death but he over powered me, but he's like my son." Get a farking golden retriever and stop with these things.

[FTFA] Bob has considered moving him to a sanctuary, but "I'm just too attached to him," he says.


Sure - getting out a "steel-like fingernail" through the scrotum isn't like ripping off a baindaid - I would want to remove it as slow as possible, too.

This was already linked on Fark, but I like this story better.

MAIL-ORDER FRIENDS: THE COMIC BOOK SQUIRREL MONKEYS (new window)

Kongressman Grandma:
It seems like every one of these stories ends up with the owner locked in a violent fight with a physically superior primate. These monkey owners are like battered wives that stay with their husbands. "well he ripped up my ball-bag but we love him" or "He started attacking me and I called my wife to grab my .22 rifle to shoot him in the head but we love him" or "he attacked me wildly and starting biting me all over it felt like hell, I tried to choke him to death but he over powered me, but he's like my son." Get a farking golden retriever and stop with these things.

Yeah, I'd keep a pit bull in my house before I kept a large primate*. Chimps are way too much like humans, meaning they are basically psychotic, sadistic shiatbags, with an IQ high enough to get really creative about it. Gorillas... well, they're a lot less homicidal than chimps, but they're big enough that even a little roughhousing could leave you paraplegic.

No Such Agency: Chimps are way too much like humans, meaning they are basically psychotic, sadistic shiatbags, with an IQ high enough to get really creative about it.

You sir! Your newsletter! I demand it!

Maybe he just wanted a handjob, but the monkey was a bit too enthusiastic ?

They never thought that after puberty, their cute little baby monkey would suddenly become a wild animal again and be too strong and dangerous to control? Have these people never met Ric Romero?

What a conundrum.

Next week: Man dies of scrotal puncture wounds

GreatNOD: I think it's fitting since Capuchin monkeys are the infamous organ grinder monkey breed.

*cackle!*

drjekel_mrhyde: Whites love to humanize animals

And you are very fortunate that we do.

Pulled her tooth out with one finger...

I was sure the submitter was obviously trying to stir the pot using the wrong pronoun. I was going to be as obvious when pointing out the fail. I was feeling oh so smug, I was going to totally go all Nazi. Now, I have to shake my tiny fist at you, submitter, for being all accurate.

/runs out, whimpering

"On one occasion, they got in a wrestling match, and Higgins put one of his "steel-like fingernails" through Bob's scrotum"

Some people call that foreplay.

cleveoh: Call me a curmudgeon, but baboon fingernails through the scrotum does not qualify as "Amusing."


you're a curmudgeon

The only good thing about chimps is that they indicate to a 100% certainty that any show that uses them is pure crap.

oh, and one other thing. the last time a hairy beast tried to rip my balls off i divorced her.

that is all.

griffer: Alleyoop: "Told you I was hardcore."


/link as hot as the Hawaiian sun

Came here for that Higgins. Thank you.

Ditto.

My God, Magnum!

"Don't judge me monkey ..."


/hot - like a call from the Devil

Fundamental Thereom Of Farkulus: oh, and one other thing. the last time a hairy beast tried to rip my balls off i divorced her.

How is Mom?

Once, in the sixties, this crazy girl down the street had a monkey. Coming home from summer (my mom was on tranquilizers, so I had a lot of things like summer school) school. I rode my bike up the sidewalk rounding a corner. I braked just in time not to hit the girl's monkey, which scurried up a tree. She screamed at me "Why would you do that?" I hadn't seen her or her monkey 'till the last. I said nothing. Now, having read that article, I would like to ask her: "Why would you bring that creature into our neighborhood?"

signaljammer: Once, in the sixties, this crazy girl down the street had a monkey. Coming home from summer (my mom was on tranquilizers, so I had a lot of things like summer school) school. I rode my bike up the sidewalk rounding a corner. I braked just in time not to hit the girl's monkey, which scurried up a tree. She screamed at me "Why would you do that?" I hadn't seen her or her monkey 'till the last. I said nothing. Now, having read that article, I would like to ask her: "Why would you bring that creature into our neighborhood?"

That has several layers of "LOL wut?" written all over it ...

signaljammer: Once, in the sixties, this crazy girl down the street had a monkey. Coming home from summer (my mom was on tranquilizers, so I had a lot of things like summer school) school. I rode my bike up the sidewalk rounding a corner. I braked just in time not to hit the girl's monkey, which scurried up a tree. She screamed at me "Why would you do that?" I hadn't seen her or her monkey 'till the last. I said nothing. Now, having read that article, I would like to ask her: "Why would you bring that creature into our neighborhood?"

but did she spank the monkey?

No, go ahead, shock it.