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(Telegraph)   "A female-penned novel so pornographic that it has reportedly caused people to faint at public readings is to go on sale in Britain." In other news, a large number of Britons have yet to discover the internet   (telegraph.co.uk) divider line 135
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16100 clicks; posted to Main » on 24 Jan 2009 at 8:25 AM (5 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2009-01-24 09:39:33 AM
Early:read this erotic sumbiatch here, read it slow.
Sherriff:I believe that's an ampersand
Early:Does that get you hot?
Sherriff: Ah, you know I perfer mysteries.
Early: DAMN COMPUTERS!
 
2009-01-24 09:43:15 AM
Porn from a female perspective:

She watched him from the bedroom doorway as he pulled back the covers. He stood next to the bed in his boxers. Slowly, he neatened the sheets, plumped the pillows and smoothed the throw with a caressing sweep of the hand. She bit her lip in ecstasy as finally -- finally! -- the bed was made!
 
2009-01-24 09:44:01 AM
stress tensor: Steve Zodiac: When correctly viewed, everything is lewd. I could tell you things about Peter Pan. And the Wizard of Oz? There's a dirty old man.

i helped my uncle jack off a horse


No, I think this is what Steve Z. was referring to. (new window)

movies that could be dirty but aren't:
Comes a Horseman
The Final Inch
Black Snake Moan
The Last Seduction
Blow
Happy Endings
 
2009-01-24 09:48:01 AM
Farking Zardwarks: Hey, I've been meaning to talk to you about that. Could you use some lotion next time? I'm still chafed. Say hi to your uncle for me.

LOL! Don't worry, I'm spending more time with my girlfriend in the other paddock. You'll have to wait a while.

Byno: /Approves
//Looked for the horse scene; all NSFW
///That's milk there mods


LOL+gross.
 
2009-01-24 09:51:52 AM
For those interested...link to book


Unfortunately SFW (new window)
 
2009-01-24 09:54:43 AM
"Helen has an unusual relationship to her body. She abhors personal hygiene and enjoys many of the bodily fluids which are secreted or excreted from it, be it mucus, pus, earwax, smegma, blood (including menstrual blood), sweat, or tears, but also men's sperm, all of which she "recycles" by putting them into her mouth and swallowing them. She loves to attract potential sexual partners by parading, underneath her dress, her unwashed vagina and the smells emanating from it."

Sounds like another day on tour with Amy Winehouse.
 
2009-01-24 10:00:25 AM
It's from Germany. Those people don't give a shiat about sexual hang-ups. They're the ones who started scat porn for chrisakes.
 
2009-01-24 10:05:00 AM
Mark: Hiya friends. Now just be honest about it. Did you ever consider the possiblity that your penis, and in the case of many dignified ladies, that the size of the titties themselves might provide elements of sub-conscious tension? Weird, twisted anxieties that could force a human being to have to become a politician! A policeman! A Jesuit monk!

Howard?: [...]

Mark: A rock and roll guitar player! A wino! You name it. Or in the case of the ladies, the ones that can't afford a silicone BEEF-UP, they become writers of hot books.

Howard: "Manuel, the gardener, placed his burning phallus in her quivering quim."

Mark: Yes, or they become Carmelite nuns!

Howard: "Gonzo, the lead guitar player, placed his mutated member in her slithering slit." Ha ha ha! Ooh . . .
 
2009-01-24 10:09:38 AM
MAYORBOB: "Helen has an unusual relationship to her body. She abhors personal hygiene and enjoys many of the bodily fluids which are secreted or excreted from it, be it mucus, pus, earwax, smegma, blood (including menstrual blood), sweat, or tears, but also men's sperm, all of which she "recycles" by putting them into her mouth and swallowing them. She loves to attract potential sexual partners by parading, underneath her dress, her unwashed vagina and the smells emanating from it."

Sounds like another day on tour with Amy Winehouse.


+100, btw a smelly vajayjay is not hawt.
 
2009-01-24 10:13:49 AM
I'd rather watch porn on the computer than read it in a book, thanks.
 
2009-01-24 10:17:14 AM
SgtArkie: MAYORBOB: "Helen has an unusual relationship to her body. She abhors personal hygiene and enjoys many of the bodily fluids which are secreted or excreted from it, be it mucus, pus, earwax, smegma, blood (including menstrual blood), sweat, or tears, but also men's sperm, all of which she "recycles" by putting them into her mouth and swallowing them. She loves to attract potential sexual partners by parading, underneath her dress, her unwashed vagina and the smells emanating from it."

Sounds like another day on tour with Amy Winehouse.

+100, btw a smelly vajayjay is not hawt.


What if it smelled like bacon?
 
2009-01-24 10:17:26 AM
i was really enjoying these posts until...unwashed vagina...i just threw up in my mouth a little...
 
2009-01-24 10:22:12 AM
vineetgupta.files.wordpress.com

"Uh Mom, if you were in a German scheize film...you'd tell me...right?"
 
2009-01-24 10:26:51 AM
Everybody goes like, OOH, there's a cute GIRL who likes SEX, and WRITES about it, I must SO get this book right NOW!
 
2009-01-24 10:27:12 AM
I say! What is that women doing with a donkey and a zucchini?
 
2009-01-24 10:28:05 AM
"...and bang goes the dynamite."
 
2009-01-24 10:30:01 AM
The word of the day is "hype"
 
2009-01-24 10:30:58 AM
jabbedxorz: I say! What is that women doing with a donkey and a zucchini?

pics.livejournal.com

"No, we don't morally censure you. We just want the money"


/is that a chicken up there?
//no it's just the way she's holding the grapefruit
 
2009-01-24 10:48:12 AM
Since Wetlands is written in Germany, do you think Vince from ShamWow! could advertise it in the USA?

"You know it's written in Germany. The Germans get off to the good stuff."
 
2009-01-24 10:52:14 AM
Inchoate: Also from the Wiki article:
Helen has an unusual relationship to her body. She abhors personal hygiene and enjoys many of the bodily fluids which are secreted or excreted from it, be it mucus, pus, earwax, smegma, blood (including menstrual blood), sweat, or tears, but also men's sperm, all of which she "recycles" by putting them into her mouth and swallowing them. She loves to attract potential sexual partners by parading, underneath her dress, her unwashed vagina and the smells emanating from it.

...ew?


WUT SHE LOOKS LIKE

www.commentbuddy.com

who wants to smell her vajayjay

 
2009-01-24 10:52:30 AM
Eddie_Dean_NY: Personal reenactment or GTFO.

After reading the excerpts, I think I'll pass on that.
 
2009-01-24 10:53:11 AM
CaptainBeer: It's from Germany. Those people don't give a shiat about sexual hang-ups. They're the ones who started scat porn for chrisakes.

I thought scat porn came from the Japanese?

Pocket Ninja: You can make anything pornographic if you write it correctly.

Ben sat down on the rumpled bed. He bent down, slowly, felt each small pop in his spine like a tiny firecracker erupting. He picked up the shoe. Felt its weight in his hand, its curves. He raised it to his face and sniffed deeply, inhaled its musky scent. Shoe. Running shoe.

He slid his thumbs onto the shoes tongue, pulled apart the laces, splayed the opening wider. Wider still. He flexed his toes, raised his leg at the knee. Waited one fluttering heartbeat, then slid his foot home. He felt his flesh enwrapped by the soft and leathery warmth. He pushed forward, pulled up on the laces, felt his big toe press against the wall.

He pulled hard on the laces, tightening them until he felt that first small thrill of pain across his ankle. Looped the laces around, his fingers skillfully working at the silken strands. Loop, tighten, loop, tighten. He leaned back, wriggled his toes again inside their warm and tight confines.

And there, at his feet. The other shoe. He smiled.


I can't be sure, but I think i just developed a shoe fetish....
 
2009-01-24 10:56:59 AM
This reminds me of the time one of my redneck friends swore up and down to me that he attracts women by rubbing his ball stank into his beard.

Somehow I don't think he'll be getting a book deal anytime soon.
 
2009-01-24 10:59:51 AM
Gumercules: Pocket Ninja: You can make anything pornographic if you write it correctly.

Ben sat down on the rumpled bed. He bent down, slowly, felt each small pop in his spine like a tiny firecracker erupting. He picked up the shoe. Felt its weight in his hand, its curves. He raised it to his face and sniffed deeply, inhaled its musky scent. Shoe. Running shoe.

He slid his thumbs onto the shoes tongue, pulled apart the laces, splayed the opening wider. Wider still. He flexed his toes, raised his leg at the knee. Waited one fluttering heartbeat, then slid his foot home. He felt his flesh enwrapped by the soft and leathery warmth. He pushed forward, pulled up on the laces, felt his big toe press against the wall.

He pulled hard on the laces, tightening them until he felt that first small thrill of pain across his ankle. Looped the laces around, his fingers skillfully working at the silken strands. Loop, tighten, loop, tighten. He leaned back, wriggled his toes again inside their warm and tight confines.

And there, at his feet. The other shoe. He smiled.

this passage is EROTIC not PORNOGRAPHIC


Not if you put it in context. In the previous paragraph, he described his peanut butter coated taint, and how the open windows to his first floor bedroom overlooked the park at the local school for mentally challenged adults with foot fetishes...hawt.
 
2009-01-24 11:07:11 AM
It would be nice if I could get some flash fiction at the interwebby magazine I'm starting. Sigh.
 
2009-01-24 11:14:09 AM
PartTimeBuddha: It would be nice if I could get some flash fiction at the interwebby magazine I'm starting. Sigh.

I suppose you mean slash fic? Just find some random girl 8th grader I am sure she has reams of Tom Cullen slash for you to read.
 
2009-01-24 11:14:10 AM
Anne Rice did it better.

And no, I'm not an Anne Rice fanatic, but reading some of the excerpts and synopses of the German book, I'll pass.

/likes my showers, and my changes of underwear, twice a day.
 
2009-01-24 11:18:26 AM
Pocket Ninja:
And there, at his feet. The other shoe. He smiled.


Shoes or GTFO.
 
2009-01-24 11:18:43 AM
ladyway905 I used to change my underwear twice a day too, then I learned to wipe properly.
 
2009-01-24 11:21:12 AM
Pornography written by a man = smut.
Pornography written by a woman = literature.
 
2009-01-24 11:25:44 AM
Pocket Ninja: Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to get friendly with a glass of orange juice.

I'm glad you didn't say bagel.
 
2009-01-24 11:25:46 AM
brewssuds: Pornography written by a man = smut.
Pornography written by a woman = literature.


Yes, clearly that is the gist of this article, and all the 'common plebes' that you are so much higher than are reacting to this book in exactly the manner you describe.
 
2009-01-24 11:26:08 AM
ladyway905: ...likes my showers, and my changes of underwear, twice a day.

What the hell are you doing that you need to change your underwear twice a day?
 
2009-01-24 11:27:34 AM
Here's a brief reading from the book thanks to Amazon.com..." Helen Memel lies in the Department of Internal Medicine at Maria Hilf Hospital. While she waits for her divorced parents to come and visit her - who she hopes will finally be reconciled by the side of her hospital bed - she begins to examine those parts of her body usually seen as distinctly 'unladylike'. She lets the orderly, Robin, take photos of those areas her curious gaze can't reach. And, on the side, she tends to her collection of avocado stones - which also happen to provide her with invaluable sexual services ..."
 
2009-01-24 11:29:01 AM
Jakevol2: PartTimeBuddha: It would be nice if I could get some flash fiction at the interwebby magazine I'm starting. Sigh.

I suppose you mean slash fic? Just find some random girl 8th grader I am sure she has reams of Tom Cullen slash for you to read.


I'm sure she does.

However, I'm looking for flash fiction. Stories of less than 1000 (preferably less than 800) words which have narrative strenth and that capacity to really hold a reader's attention.

Have a look at the magazine website if you'd like to know more.
 
2009-01-24 11:30:21 AM
"Men think they can be disgusting and sexual and stuff, and now I've shown them that women can do the same," she said.

"Think" is the operative word. Most men are not "sexual and stuff," and least of all when they're disgusting, unwashed, etc.. I don't mind anything about a woman. I do, however, mind the smell of bacterial infection; we are programmed to you idiot.
 
2009-01-24 11:31:54 AM
img246.imageshack.us
 
2009-01-24 11:41:54 AM
Eww. At first I was in anticipation but after reading the synopsis... ugh.

/does not sound arousing at all
//sounds nasty, actually
///and not in a good way
 
2009-01-24 11:42:36 AM
What's the story code?
(Mf, Romance, BDSM, Org, Crim, Trans, First?)

/ Erotic stories... My sneaky way around my parents -
"What's all those papers?"
"My english assignment."
"Oh. Keep up the good work."
 
2009-01-24 11:45:36 AM
*GASP* Women not only have sexual urges of their own, but are writing about them now? Someone get A. N. Roquelaure in here right now to combat this menace. What's that you say?
 
2009-01-24 11:53:40 AM
Rohasman: *GASP* Women not only have sexual urges of their own, but are writing about them now? Someone get A. N. Roquelaure in here right now to combat this menace. What's that you say?

How come when a man has sexual urges, he's a dirty old man and a pervert, but when a woman does, it's normal?
 
2009-01-24 11:53:57 AM
FTFA: The book was rejected by one German publisher on the grounds that it was too pornographic. Roche's literary readings are restricted to the over-18s, and in Germany there were several reports of over-excited fans fainting upon hearing certain excerpts.

-1 for submitter.
 
2009-01-24 11:56:47 AM
Has anyone been to a Chuck Palahniuk reading where he does Guts? People pass out. It's unreal.
 
2009-01-24 11:58:13 AM
Krantzstone: Eww. At first I was in anticipation but after reading the synopsis... ugh.

/does not sound arousing at all
//sounds nasty, actually
///and not in a good way


I read the book (in German of course) and I really had to take long breaks while reading to fight my urge to vomit all over the place. Not a good book, and the opinions in Germany about it are strongly divided.
 
2009-01-24 12:01:07 PM
Daddy's Big Pink Man-Squirrel: I prefer either Nixon's Southeast Asian Delta Invasion or Lincoln's Civil Whores.

Carter's Nuts and Bunnies was too preachy, and Jefferson's Proof as to the Falfity of Claims that I Have Known the Sweet Carnal Embrace of the Moift and Exotic Cavern of Venus Betwixt the Shapely Leggs of Mine Ebon-Skinn'd Maidfervants, Not That there Be Anything Wrong With Such As That was more about trade with France than farking.


Win.
 
2009-01-24 12:02:30 PM
Tyrone Slothrop: Mark: Hiya friends. Now just be honest about it. Did you ever consider the possiblity that your penis, and in the case of many dignified ladies, that the size of the titties themselves might provide elements of sub-conscious tension? Weird, twisted anxieties that could force a human being to have to become a politician! A policeman! A Jesuit monk!

Howard?: [...]

Mark: A rock and roll guitar player! A wino! You name it. Or in the case of the ladies, the ones that can't afford a silicone BEEF-UP, they become writers of hot books.

Howard: "Manuel, the gardener, placed his burning phallus in her quivering quim."

Mark: Yes, or they become Carmelite nuns!

Howard: "Gonzo, the lead guitar player, placed his mutated member in her slithering slit." Ha ha ha! Ooh . . .


i291.photobucket.com

/digs it with
//a hot Yoo-hoo bottle
///While somebody's screamin':
////CORKS 'N SAFETIES
 
2009-01-24 12:02:38 PM
I'm reading an anthology of women's erotica right now so I'm getting a kick out of these replies.

/loves me some erotica
 
2009-01-24 12:06:03 PM
I wouldn't call it "pornographic" so much as simply vulgar in its crassness. There is nothing sexually appealing about a rank, filthy pussy or hemorrhoid surgery.

The book sounds boring. Annoying, at best.
 
2009-01-24 12:09:49 PM
My wife writes erotic romance and she got a kick out of these replies.

/on her 40th book
//Harlequin reprints the books in different languages, and the German versions sell the best.
 
2009-01-24 12:11:27 PM
Lollipop165: I'm reading an anthology of women's erotica right now so I'm getting a kick out of these replies.

/loves me some erotica


My mother let me read everything she read. I read Delta of Venus and Little Birds by Anais Nin when I was 12. Man, that was some eye-opening stuff.
 
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