It's not Fark it's News: so what happened last week that didn't get much press? Russia decided to finally turn the gas back on to Central Europe. They got into a dispute with Ukraine over billing and cut them off, turns out Europe is connected to the same pipe. This all came during the coldest weather this winter. Massive disaster almost ensued. I think I saw it mentioned on CNN exactly once, buried behind missing white chicks and the dangers of kitchen countertops. Israel pushed the rubble around in Gaza then left. And a plane crashed in the Hudson, which is kinda unique. Bus crashes just don't get the same kind of coverage though, unless beheadings are involved. I think it's because our primitive monkey brains refused to believe that planes can actually fly.

Next week: all available media bandwidth is gonna be eaten up by the inauguration so if you're a PR firm don't bother to send anything out til Wednesday. It's a great two day period to dump bad news though so if you want to do a bunch of layoff announcements or whatever, fire away. Don't expect anything useful out of the media til Thursday at the soonest (if then).

Also keep an eye out for the How Much Money Is Lost Due to The Superbowl annual BS ad-as-news article. The totals for the last three years were $780M, $800M, and $820M. I suspect that they'll round up and go for $850M this year, since it's a BS number anyhow. Expect to see that one next Monday.

On to the good stuff

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-01-11 to Sat 2009-01-17:

  Woman arrested for having dead baby in carry-on luggage. Everyone knows that carrion needs to be checked in    

  Plane crashes in Florida panhandle, no pilot found. Well there's your problem    

  One out of 100 Americans are being stalked. If you don't believe it, just come by your front door; I have the article    

  Marilyn Monroe hormone discovered. Or should it be called Norma Gene?    

  Sheriff pushes girl out of path of gunfire during standoff with armed man, gets his ear blown off. He might be in line for a medal, but hasn't heard anything so far    

  Woman impales man with meat thermometer. Well done    

  Ricardo Montalban dead at 88. Will be buried in casket of rich Corinthian leather    

  Toothbrushes to be removed from prison, prompting concerns of increased cavity searches    

  There once was a man named Starks / Who decided to steal some sharks / His plan he soon rued / When jailarity enused / Hey, it's not news - it's FARK    

  Man hurls brake fluid at suspected child molester - guess he wanted him to stop    

  India bans elephants from traditional military parade, citing excessive emissions, lack of trunk space    


Sports:

  NFC Championship goes through Arizona. This is not a repeat from... well, this is not a repeat    

  Vince Carter watches flight 1549 land in Hudson from his bedroom window; suffers only serious injury    

  Seven reasons to hate Steeler fans, according to a Ravens fan. Steelers would give a high five, but their hands are weighted down by all those rings    


Geek:

  Scientists using false memories to help people lose weight. Get your fat ass to Mars    

  IBM invents MRI machine with 100 million times higher resolution than current MRIs, making it possible for the first time to see things as tiny as Cheney's heart, Hugo Chavez' brain    

  Earliest dinosaur feathers were only for display, mostly to frighten the other animals on The Ark    


Showbiz:

  Vanessa Hudgens may play werewolf in "Twilight" sequel. Sounds like somebody saw those pictures and decided she's hairy enough    

  Much like its namesake, ParisHilton.com invaded by trojans over the weekend    

  Madonna undergoes therapy, trying to repair her "tikkun," a Kabbalah term which, contrary to popular beliefs, does not mean "gristly man-arms"    


Politics:

  North Korea wants to send envoy to Obama's inauguration, presumably to use the code word that activates him    

  Gay Episcopal bishop to offer prayer at inauguration event. Activist groups immediately complain that left-handed redheaded transsexual Jewish Kwaanza pastors are being excluded    

  Hamas rejects Israeli cease-fire terms. Reasons given include "Our shrapnel collection is not complete" and "We have some rockets left"    


Business:

  Dominos to close and reopen 7 shops. It's like they're knocking them down then setting them up again    

  Oracle cuts 500 jobs, if only there was someone who could have foreseen this    

  Schindler Elevator cuts 25% of its workforce. List not released yet    
· · ·