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(Spike)   Top 10 signs you've got a piece of shiat car   ( divider line
    More: Amusing  
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36354 clicks; posted to Main » on 09 Jan 2009 at 6:47 PM (8 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

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2009-01-09 07:25:44 PM  
After my car was stolen in high school, my grandparents offered to let me drive their pickup if I would take care of their horses. NO problem. It was a '79ish Ford fullsize with a 460. The passenger door could not be unlocked with the key. I later found out that an uncle had wrecked it and it had a junkyard door that was the right color. At one point, it was leaking from the passenger side of the dashboard. I found out it was the heater core, so I simply removed it and no longer had heat. It needed to be jump-started occasionally. I had to pull on the latch and then smack the hood between the "O" and "R". The "R" would fly with sort of a "ping" noise.

On my '95 Olds, the driver door panel is peeling off and the fuse that controls the door locks keeps blowing out. A mechanic doing my inspection freaked out when he couldn't open the door.
2009-01-09 07:26:11 PM  
Possibly one of the most embarrassing things you car could do to you, just short of dying in front of a girl's house before you set off on a first date, the horn death rattle can really be a blow to your ego.

Holy crap, they NAILED that one. When I was 16, I caught a flat right in front of the house of a girl I was going to take on a first date because I rolled over a small chunk of concrete with some kind of nail or sharp metal in it.
Then it got worse.

I thought I would be able to make it around the corner to change the tire, but wound up grinding the rim before I made it to the end of her block. Then it got worse.

I didn't have a jack for my car. So I asked the owner of the home I was in front of if I could use his phone to call my dad...he didn't let me in (it was a pretty bad neighborhood), so I gave him the number to call for me. That's when it started to rain.
Then it got worse.

My date went outside her house, saw me and walked over, asking me why I drove off and why I didn't ask for help from her dad. I stammered that the owner of the house was a good friend of my family and was making a call for me, and that she should go back in her house and I'd be there in a few. That's when the guy stuck his head out the window and said "Hey, kid... your dad's on the way!" I was mortified.

Needless to say, I apologized and canceled the date. I'll never forget that day.
2009-01-09 07:26:46 PM  
Hmm well, I have #8 for the moment

8. The "Space Saver" Spare Tire is Now a Permanent Tire

Mainly because the one that died has been discontinued, and I'll be damned if I'm shelling out for a matching pair of a different type!

//lend me a fiver 'til tuesday?
2009-01-09 07:26:50 PM  
#1) Adam Sandler starts singing about your car.
2009-01-09 07:27:18 PM  
YAY crappy car talk!

- 95 vw jetta, burst into flame while I was driving it.

- 1974 vw westfalia bus (spelling?), Had a family of squirrels living in it when i bought it ($200). would smoke like a hippy whenever you drove it. Had to pay a guy with beer to 'make' it pass smog. couldn't go faster then about 55mph. Every cop needs to pull you over as they KNOW you have herb. Starter worked a good 50% of the time, so you park on a lot of hill.

- 89 blazer, Mysterious powers that enabled it to kill any and all new batteries in a matter of minutes. I was hit twice in this car and it never died, although it killed a 2006 tundra and a 2007 lexus. It was paid for a few times by various insurance agencies. Again, lots of parking on a hill. 4th gear didnt work but 5th did... so you shifted at 7k or so (not good for a crappy small block). I would back into spaces so it would be easier to jump it when it died.

- 94 mitsubishi eclipse (girlfriends car), transmission died about every three months. House stereo installed... and wired through a power inverter directly to the battery. Horn would electrocute you. The spare that wasn't there left rusted holes through the hatchback floor, which was nice as the weather sealing was none existent and this at least let the watter drain. Ignition didn't require a key to turn and start... But would lock the key in if you used one and pull out with the key.

- 1994 geo metro convertible, i don't think this needs elaboration.

many many more and they all died horrible deaths. Including one car I gave to cars for causes and they apparently left it outside and the city towed it. That was a pain in the ass to deal with.
2009-01-09 07:27:58 PM  
11. You're willing to take automotive advice from Spike TV.
2009-01-09 07:29:15 PM  

That's a normal Ford "Feature"

Rotate the steering wheel, then try to turn the key. Yes, the steering will be hard to turn, but when it's on the steering interlock, you can't turn the ignition.
2009-01-09 07:30:31 PM  
Even Adam Sandler won't drive it.
2009-01-09 07:30:52 PM  
Starting Your Car Requires the Hood to be Open

My mom had an 82 firebird that required a screwdriver under the hood to start it.

/In 1987

/meanwhile, my 4th gen maxima is 10 years old and only has cosmetic issues

/clock doesn't work all the time

/the material on the glove box lid is cracked

/I blew out all of the speakers

/but it starts every single time and doesn't look like a 10 year old car.

/haven't fixed the above issues because
1) It's not worth $60 bucks (parts & labor) to fix a clock.
2) It's not worth $80 bucks to replace a glove box lid.
3) I've been too busy/lazy to fix the issues myself (and in the case of the clock/speakers, to have my friend help me, I'm a software guy, not a hardware/elec dude)).
2009-01-09 07:31:08 PM  

dahmers love zombie: Oh, and sign #11: You're me. 1991 Honda Accord with 211,000 miles. AC is shot (in Florida). Windows scream like they're dying when you roll them down. Cruise doesn't work. Radio kinda sorta works. Transmission starting to go. Fan bearings are shot. Catalytic converter heats the right back seat up to about medium well. Paint, I've thought about going after it with a buffer and a can of polishing compound, but I'm afraid when all the oxidation comes off it'll be bare metal.

But hey, it runs and I get about 25MPG. I'll get a new one when the damn wheels fall off.

Hondas are flippin' eternal. Our '87 CRX is at 276K and still running fine. We actually bought a garage-kept '86 with a third of that mileage, just to have two of 'em. Next royalty check is going toward a repaint-and-detail job so they're really identical. (The 87's faded to pinkish on the roof, but the 86 is still stock cherry.)

If you restore and spruce up a beater car to the point where it looks stock or better-than-stock, is it still a beater, or is it an ex-beater? When we got the 87, it was a hot mess old hooker of a hooptie, but now the paint's fixed, the radio's new and the interior's entirely redone. Apart from the odometer, you'd never know it wasn't a time-traveling showroom piece.

...Of course, that much effort on such an ancient and tiny car implies worse things about our sanity than driving a beater would.
2009-01-09 07:32:05 PM  
"...tinted window in the back with the bubble in the middle."

2009-01-09 07:32:48 PM  

riverdaughter: Drakin020 I have to agree. I have a 2003 Ford Focus and it's a piece of crap already.

My favorite thing with my car is the ignition sometimes fails to recognize the key and locks so you can't turn it. I have to put the key in the ignition and bang on the back of it with a hammer to get it to turn.

This is a common problem with the first couple years model Focus. Eventually it will freeze completely. Mine froze unexpectedly. Just drove it in, took the key out, and when I tried to leave again, the ignition didn't turn.

If your ignition looks like it's in one part, as opposed to two, you have the kind that's going to break.
2009-01-09 07:32:49 PM  

dahmers love zombie: But hey, it runs and I get about 25MPG. I'll get a new one when the damn wheels fall off.

And that's how my 93 Geo Prism (Re-badged Corolla) died.

Literally. Had a crown nut on the front passenger side spindle pop off.
2009-01-09 07:33:18 PM  
Hey, I thought the critics actually kinda liked the Malibu and Cobalt SS, at least from a performance/price measure.
2009-01-09 07:34:18 PM  
My '73 F-250 still runs like a champ but I am the only one that can drive her. You have to shift using the gas pedal and nobody can get it right. It's ugly as hell because I am having it repainted and I am doing all the body work myself when I have time. Every time I weld or sand I need to prime the area so my truck is 5 different colors. When I put the new engine in I put in the wrong sized carb so when I replace it I will hook up the vacuum hose so it will shift right on its own. Oh and the entire dash board is missing.
2009-01-09 07:34:24 PM  
For a while one of my relatives (we'll call him Dad) had a car with rusted out floorboards. Had to be very careful getting in or out or you might go right through. Towards the end, I used to watch the road go by. There was also a time when it had no front brakes. Rather, it had the brakes but no pads. So he used the e-brake to slow down and stop.

A much more fun car was the old Torino. He'd tilt the power seats all the way back and floor it. We'd slide up the seats and laugh like crazy. How on earth did I survive childhood?
2009-01-09 07:35:24 PM  
I've had a lot of old cars so I'm used to thier quirks. I've never had a true beater though, but I have had cars I really beat on because I didn't give a crap about them.

1983 Toyota Starlet - My first car. Drove it like a go cart because it wasn't much bigger than one. It was RWD and I learned how to pop the clutch to make the wheels spin. Had charging issues for a while and push started it plenty of times. Sold it when I turned 18, got it back for free a few years later when the people I sold it to abandoned it and it got impounded. They never transferred the title so I just went and picked it up. Still have it.

1979 280ZX - Developed a weird electrical issue which caused the car to die whenever you turned a sharp left. Turned out to be aging and dirty electrical connection to the fuel injectors. Learned that when one old rubber hose cracks you should replace them all. Drove 800 miles on the verge of overheating and with leaking fuel injectors because of old rotted robber. Wrecked it when I was 20, hit a tree and flipped over. Walked away in one piece. The car was totalled.

1993 Ford Escort - This car was given to me. Since it was free I just drove it and beat on it like I didn't care. During a rain storm with flash flood warning I drove it through a flooded road that turned out to be deeper than it looked. Stupid thing just kind of floated through it and I drove out the other side. Was actually a pretty dependable car. Sold it after a year.

1983 Dodge B250 3/4 ton van - Bought this last year for $300. Starts and runs dependably every time. It's huge and looks like a serial killer's van. I don't need turn signals, people look at it and flee.
2009-01-09 07:37:03 PM  
farking rag for a gascap!
2009-01-09 07:38:26 PM  
My dad once bought me a datsun for $75 (car, not dog). It has a rusted out fender that had been patched with cement. It was didn't worry if you spilled a Coke in it. Dad eventually sold it or $100. 25% return...
2009-01-09 07:38:38 PM  
OK, lets compare the list to my car and see which ones apply.

7. Horn died in a front end collision.
6. Depending on the time of year.
5. I cant help is that the bolts securing the passenger front seat rusted out. Sit in the back if you want a good seat. So what if I cut out the airbags after that crash, put on your seat belt and STFU.
4. Depends on the drivers I'm around.
2. Insurance company said that the salvage value is $300.
1. As long as you know that the ABS and Cruse control doesn't work. If you slam on the brakes too hard it will sometimes want to drift sideways. The fan only works on high and the heater sometimes doesn't switch on so don't change the temp during cold weather or you might be without heat. The exhaust system leaks so make sure to have plenty of airflow through the passenger area if you don't want carbon monoxide poisoning.
2009-01-09 07:38:40 PM  
...ah for me:

11. Car won't start when it's "damp" outside
12. You've got 4 or more specialty tools in your garage, including the special serpentine belt wrench.
13. Baling wire holds a permanent place in your trunk toolbox.
14. You've discovered that "no parking" signs work great as floorboard replacements.
15. You got at least one door, hood, trunk or body panel that is mismatched in color with the rest of the vehicle.
16. Soup/pop/beer cans are currently in line as part of your exhaust system.
17. You battery cables aren't so much "connected" to battery as they are "dissolved" into it.
18. Your local salvage yard owner knows you on a first name basis, and you've got your own key to the yard for after hours scavenging.

Yeah, had all of the above at times.
2009-01-09 07:38:42 PM  
Ah yes, my first van was a 1989 Mitsubishi van. It was grey (not silver grey) pos that ran forever and a half. You couldn't lock the doors even if you wanted to (well you could, you just couldn't unlock them afterwords, so we jammed them so they wouldn't lock.) The tail gate wouldn't lock either. The air conditioner crapped out and we never got it fixed. Though it didn't matter because it had the aerodynamics of a bread box. So you'd open the window and the air would beat on you.

You could turn the ignition just by grabbing the little knobs and twisting, no key or screwdriver required. Course you had to know the secret of starting it, you'd twist the ignition and then pump the transmission between park and neutral to make it turn over, or else it would just sit there (even with the key).

No mechanic would ever fix it twice because the engine was a huge pain to get to. To make the vehicle extra roomy they put the engine under the front seats. So to drop the engine you had to pull out the front seats, partially disassemble the vehicle and lift the car up over the engine. I eventually sold it because I could no longer find a mechanic who was willing to tackle it. Heck, whole businesses black listed my vehicle (Royal Mitsubishi told me to never bring it to them again.)

Good times, good times.
2009-01-09 07:39:15 PM  
What about when the alarm goes off on its own, while you're driving?
2009-01-09 07:39:45 PM  
markie_farkie [TotalFark]
A guy I knew back in the early '80s bought a '64 Chrysler Newport from the junk yard for $50. It was an enormous slab-sided beast, with an aircraft carrier-sized hood and trunk. You could put anything in the trunk, including another '64 Newport. It was either grey, or silver, or both. It could have just been years of grime built up on an actual other color. He was afraid to wash it for fear of it disintegrating like rice paper in hot water.

The passenger side was completely caved in, so he replaced both doors with 3/4" plywood, complete with plexiglass windows. The thing ran on 90-weight differential lube just to keep the compression high enough to fire on 6 of the 8 cylinders. The pushbutton transmission took a good 15 seconds to kick into gear. The front and rear bumpers were held on with rusty barbed wire.

Before it warmed up it would belch enough smoke to fog mosquitoes for 3 counties.

People pulled out of the way when he drove down the street out of fear of being hit. This thing screamed NO INSURANCE from a mile away.

About 6 months later the transmission finally crapped out. He drove it IN REVERSE to another junk yard, and the guy gave him.. $50!

Ahh, good times..

Can I e-mail you some internets for your googles ?
2009-01-09 07:39:59 PM
2009-01-09 07:40:08 PM  
Or you have a phone call like this...

Him: Joe's Auto Shop, can I help you?

Me: Yeah, I need roadside service.

Him: Max?
2009-01-09 07:40:32 PM  

Damn, you beat me with the reference...
2009-01-09 07:41:54 PM  
Strangers see your car and give you food and spare change.
2009-01-09 07:42:02 PM  
Don't knock beaters. It was though owning enough of them, that I saved the vacation. Brake line blew a mile before the ferry. Decision time: play it safe and pull over, call a tow truck, and kiss the rental home and ferry reservations goodbye; or make it on to the ferry and think about what to do next???

Yup. Made it onto the ferry (full size van, loaded with luggage, bikes and kayaks for four). Made it off the ferry, and 6 miles to the vacation place (in low gear, back roads, emergency brake when necessary). Unloaded the van, called the tow truck, had a great week with a rental car.

Without having owned a few beaters, I never would have had the confidence to do it. Still can't decide whether I was crazy like a psycho or like a fox. But any landing you walk away from is a good one, right?

Oh yeah, this was two years ago and all four of us are in our 50s. Please don't tell the kids.
2009-01-09 07:42:44 PM  
6/10 for my 2nd vehicle, a '84 Caravan.

It died about 2 weeks after it almost killed my future wife and 3 of our friends 3 times in one day (Myself and another friend were only in danger twice)

1) Almost ran off the road in the Porcupine Mountains.
2) Almost hit by a train because I couldn't stop cause the brakes were bad(and I was distracted by a talk about capacitance)
3) Exhaust being sucked in from the gaping holes in the back gate, which was also held closed by two bungee cords.

People had piece of it on their dorm doors.

I miss that POS rust wagon, although driving home with the windows cracked for fresh air in -2F with a half working heater sucked.
2009-01-09 07:43:00 PM  
My first car...

It's supposed to be a 1978 Chevy Nova...
2009-01-09 07:43:21 PM  
You have to replace the fire extinguisher three or four times per year.
2009-01-09 07:43:22 PM  
11) you,rather than the Bank, actually own it. I.O.W no payments and no gazillion per cent interest every month

12)you bought it used,which means U didn't pay 25 K for a 15K car, and the bank got the remaining 10k.

13)your date is actually interested in you, not your car.

14)you can pay liability insurance since you are a very careful and good driver and you don't want to be forced to pay full coverage that will amount to more than the value of the car in 10 years.

15)you're smart and prefer to have savings rather than the coolest car. you understand that the car is reliable and gets you from point A to point B. you laugh to the bank while your buddie with the nice car gets repossessed because he can no longer pay the bank every month.
2009-01-09 07:43:54 PM  

co-conspirator: The farking turn signal/lights control snapped off in my farking hand yesterday.

20 year-old Accura Integra.

/Once upon a time, cars were built of metal, not lots of brittle plastic...

Yeah. I recall when you could blacksmith horseshoes on the dashboard.
2009-01-09 07:44:03 PM  
car died today so i'm really getting a kick....
2009-01-09 07:44:37 PM  

hulk hogan meat shoes: 11. It's a Chevy.


Its a cavalier

/oh wait, I drive one
2009-01-09 07:44:56 PM  
1. U
2. N
3. I
4. O
5. N
6. L
7. A
8. B
9. O
10. R
2009-01-09 07:45:25 PM  
My friend Jay's first car. I think it's a Cutless or Buick...or a Pontiac.
2009-01-09 07:46:03 PM  

the_wanderer: Number I don't know what it is, but wouldn't you know:

It's a Subaru older than 15 years.

Some jackass takes up two parking spaces? Park so close you gotta climb out the passenger door. So what if he keys your car? What do you care? I've literally driven through a shrubbery before just so I could park in a semi-legal parking space. I've driven up hills so steep that everying in car went to the back gate. I was offroading and accidentally drive over a groundhog hole. (That'll rattle your teeth..)

And it's no coincidence that the VERY FIRST PICTURE in the article was a Subaru wagon.

Owning a beater is the most liberating thing on the planet. Especially one that's a little interesting or unusual. Mine's a complete beater, but everybody thinks it's cool 'cause it's Right Hand Drive. (1991 Subaru Legacy Right Hand Drive...)

So yeah, gimme a beater any day of the week..

My dad makes plenty of money, but for 10 years he drove this appalling Suzuki Samurai just so he could do stuff like this. He'd park Hummers in if they straddled a parking space, drive off curbs, park it downtown with no doors or top for days at a time, crash through bushes, carry "fertilizer" on the passenger seat, everything. It was awesome.

Only downside: He had to drive up a steep hill on his way home every day and during winter, you would often get a headwind at exactly the same spot. You've never truly felt shame until you've seen the speedometer hovering at 32 mph on the freeway with your foot on the floor and old ladies giving you the finger.
2009-01-09 07:46:23 PM  
Oh god. I drive a beater. I met 8 out of 10.

'The White Dragon' will always fly though.

'77 Firebird Esprit.
2009-01-09 07:47:50 PM
2009-01-09 07:48:18 PM  

the_wanderer: foxbrook78: Anytime you drive it, you're basically going postal?

Actually, that's what the car was built for originally. When it gets cold and the back fogs up, you can still see the USMail sign imprint on the back window.

I'm thinking about mounting a big XBox steering wheel over the glove box.. So whoever is riding with me can wait until I pull up next to people, then whip their steering wheel to the left real fast...

I assumed it was an ex-postal subie. Our carrier had one back in the 90's. My wife (GF at the time) had a legacy wagon with over 200,000 miles on it back in high school and the first time I drove it on the highway (instead of my Bronco II) I couldn't figure out why everyone was going so goddam slow. Then I looked at the speedo and I was going 95mph in a 55, smooth as silk, even at an advanced age, at least compared to a BroncoII.

That subie eventually qualified as a jalopy only because the stripper that my wife was babysitting for backed into it and it wound up with one blue door, the rest was beige.
2009-01-09 07:48:26 PM  
17. You're not spending the equivalent of a new iPod Touch/Wii/case of good wine per month on a tin box that goes at the same speed as the 10 year old beater you used to have.

OK, I need a new car because mine is up to 200K miles, the gear stick cover is knackered, the aircon is knackered, the exhaust is blowing and it drinks oil. It's just got to that point where it's even too nasty for me.

I'll pick up something after some mug punter has paid 2 or 3 years of depreciation at a sensible price and keep it for 10 years.

I can think of nothing that costs so much money and gives so little value for money either in terms of pleasure or utility than buying a brand new car and replacing it after 3 or 4 years.
2009-01-09 07:49:07 PM  
I drive a beater now, but I used to drive the "Only You Can Operate This Vehicle" beater. Someone tried to steal the Only Me beater. They got as far as yanking the wires out of the steering column, but my Only Me beater only starts when I pump the gas pedal to a certain rhythm while stroking the dash and promising favors. The police did lift fingerprints, however.

2009-01-09 07:49:08 PM  

hulk hogan meat shoes: 11. It's a Chevy. has four wheels

2009-01-09 07:52:03 PM  
I owned a '78 cream coloured VW Rabbit, I bought from a junk yard that signs 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 and 7, and sorta 10 applied. Drove it for 2 years for about $350.
2009-01-09 07:52:13 PM  

hienekenftw: hulk hogan meat shoes: 11. It's a Chevy.


Its a cavalier

/oh wait, I drive one

Go with the upgrade. Get a Corsica!

/I drive a Corsica.
2009-01-09 07:54:03 PM  

Joystk: hulk hogan meat shoes: 11. It's a Chevy an American car.


Right off the bat, the assclowns.

Won't bother reading the rest of the thread.
2009-01-09 07:54:36 PM  
I pretty much only drove beaters until very recently. I still miss the '88 Dodge Shadow that I bought in '97 for my daily 100 mile commute. The AC didn't work, it had serious old man stink, and the radiator liked to blow fairly regularly but it never once failed to start and never got stuck in the snow. After 175K the timing belt finally gave out so I traded it in on a new car. I bought it for $1K in '97 and got $2K on the trade-in in '01.
2009-01-09 07:55:03 PM  

hulk hogan meat shoes: 11. It's a Chevy.

Apparently yes. My dad has one of these things:

It's got just over 11K miles on it, and early last week blew its transmission. Needless to say, we're all pretty pissed, but it was under warranty. He says he'll finally get it back tomorrow.

This of course was on top of the fact that the other Chevy in the family, a 99 Suburban, also had its transmission go in the second week of December. Happily it did so nearly 25K miles after most Chevy suburbans do, but still, it seemed a little rediculous at the time.

/yeah, the aveo is a rebadged DaeWoo
//but it's still fronted by Chevy
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