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(NJ.com)   Billy Mays and the other TV pitchmen are cleaning up better than a sheet of ShamWow during these tough economic times. This story is free - all you have to pay is a shipping and processing charge   (nj.com ) divider line
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15739 clicks; posted to Main » on 05 Jan 2009 at 7:22 PM (7 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2009-01-05 09:12:29 PM  
In the Slap Chop commercial he says adding some Tuna will make your life exciting. Why didn't someone tell me that 20 years ago?
 
2009-01-05 09:13:07 PM  

Hang On Voltaire: rocinante721: Does anyone else feel like getting progressive with this broad?

Not no but, God no. She is ugly.

/now the hot little blonde who appears in one of the ads, well that is something else entirely.


Is that blonde the tweeker girlfriend from Pulp Fiction?
 
2009-01-05 09:15:22 PM  

Runs_With_Scissors_: dandelion whine: Still waiting on my Snuggies.

The people in that commercial look like they're in a cult. I imagine them all wearing white Nikes, and waiting for the mothership to come pick them up.



That one dude looks like Friar Tuck.
 
2009-01-05 09:15:40 PM  

BKITU: filth: ark you! Billy Mays is an underappreciated genius. He could read the phonebook, and i would find it amusing.

BILLY MAYS HERE FOR THE WHITE PAGES! LOOK, ARE YOU TIRED OF SEARCHING THROUGH COUNTLESS ROLODEX CARDS LOOKING FOR PHONE NUMBERS? TIRED OF LOOKING THROUGH COMPUTER FILES, PAPER FILES, EVEN THROUGH OLD MATCHBOOK COVERS OR BUSINESS CARDS? WELL THEN LOOK NO MORE!

WITH THE WHITE PAGES YOU GET MEN'S NAMES! WOMEN'S NAMES! YOUNG PEOPLE'S NAMES! SENIOR CITIZEN'S NAMES! EVEN FOREIGN NAMES! AND IT'S ALL ARRANGED ALPHABETICALLY! WHAT COULD BE EASIER?

AND IF YOU CALL RIGHT NOW, IN ADDITION TO THE WHITE PAGES, WE'LL INCLUDE THE YELLOW PAGES ABSOLUTELY FREE! HUNDREDS UPON HUNDREDS OF PAGES OF NAMES AND NUMBERS OF BUSINESSES YOU WANT TO TALK TO, ALSO ARRANGED ALPHABETICALLY BY BUSINESS TYPE! YOU WANT A CHINESE TAKE OUT? BOOM! RIGHT THERE! YOU NEED A PROCTOLOGIST? BAM! HERE'S A DOZEN OF THEM RIGHT AT YOUR FINGERTIPS... AND THIS BOOK IS AVAILABLE AT NO ADDITIONAL COST TO YOU!

AND IF YOU CALL IN THE NEXT TEN MINUTES, WE'LL ALSO INCLUDE THE GOVERNMENT PAGES! THAT'S RIGHT, RIGHT AT THE BEGINNING OF THE BOOK, YOU'LL GET A COMPLETE LIST OF GOVERNMENT SERVICE PHONE NUMBERS -- FEDERAL, STATE, AND LOCAL! -- WITHOUT THE EMBARRASSMENT OF ACCIDENTALLY CALLING 9-1-1 FOR NON-EMERGENCIES!

SO RIGHT AT YOUR DOOR, YOU GET THE WHITE PAGES, THE YELLOW PAGES, AND THE GOVERNMENT PAGES! A $199 VALUE, FOR ONLY $19.95 PLUS SHIPPING! CALL NOW!


Brilliant! Just plain goddamn brilliant!
 
2009-01-05 09:17:52 PM  
Sham-Wow owners: is it worth the money???
 
2009-01-05 09:20:12 PM  

Blues_X: I was just thinking that I'd still have to take off the Snuggie to go pee.

New! From the makers of Snuggie comes the new Snuggie with Peehole attachment for men!

No more cold yambag for me!


inventorspot.com
 
2009-01-05 09:21:04 PM  
I hate these darn infomercials, even the new 'mini' ones.

The mini is cut to two minutes instead of 15 to 30, and popped in during a station break -- which is two minutes long -- but after you get to listen to Billy Mays shout in his high voice, you get to suffer through two MORE minutes of the regular commercials, delaying the return to your show.

I listened to sunglasses being advertised as digital -- apparently better for the eyes -- and wondered how they managed that without cable, a power supply or computer chip.

I watched Mighty Putty slathered between two pieces of shiny metal pull a big rig a few yards. Funny, when I bought some, I couldn't find anything it would stick to and, even when reinforced with steel bars, the stuff broke. (I mixed that stuff until my fingers nearly fell off.) That leads me to suspect that those steel plates were wielded secretly together.

I got Diamond Coat -- a spray on wax for my car. The website was designed so once you entered your credit card number, you could not go back and cancel. At the very end, I observed the rather high shipping charges -- which now I could do nothing about. I did get the free, super powerful car vacs made of plastic somewhere in China, and found that the best thing they could pull up was loose cigarette ashes.

I bought the vegetable chopper, advertised on TV as making short work of the chore of finely chopping vegetables. There have been versions out before and most work well enough. You insert chunks of vegetables under the blades and bang away on the handle and mince things up.

This one has a curious blade guard which turns slightly with each blow. It apparently stirs up the veggies. It also means you can't put much under there. Take it out -- the thing seems to have been designed as an after thought -- and the blades still turn but get clogged with chunks of veggies. Prying the bottom off the cutting container to clean it nearly takes a hammer, since as you pound on the handle, you're banging the slightly funnel shape deeper into the base cup.

I bought one of those 'wand' blenders. It worked fairly well, but did not come apart to clean. It tended to suck it self right to the bottom of whatever pot you were using it in. For about the same amount of money, I bought one with the head that comes off to clean it -- and has three other attachments that snap on, plus a cool carrying case.

Walgreens tends to carry many of the infomercial products shortly after the debut, and you get to avoid the shipping charges or freebies which usually aren't worth paying portage for.

The Pet Nail groomer is a great idea. It works. It's like a version of a Dremel grinding tool -- without the high quality. It takes two C batteries -- and is woefully under powered. Trimming a large dogs nails can just about take an afternoon -- and you need to tie him down. You'd need to trim your animals nails weekly to keep up with the growth or sit there as the under powered thing nibbles away at them.

The price off the shelf is fair. Order it off the TV or online and the shipping charges mean you pay more than the thing is actually worth.

The guys who advertise this stuff are members of an old profession: Pitchmen. The circus used to call them 'Barkers'. Old time Snake Oil salesmen were pitchmen. Their job is to sell a product by making it appear as wonderful as possible and to keep the patter going so the marks (you, the consumer) don't have time to think about any flaws. Exaggeration is acceptable.

Experts in Social Psychiatry help set up the ad, especially those with a live audience.

It used to crack me up to see RONCO stuff selling on TV for $40 or $50, and after several months, it showed up at Walmart for $29.95. (I bought a $60 food dehydrator for $29.95 at Walmart.)

It takes a certain type of person to be a pitchman, usually one who tends to have the gift of gab and be charismatic. In the early 1900s, they used double talk to sound smart and intelligent and to confuse anyone asking hard questions.

One item actually works very well: the Rotato. (Try and find it now.) It automatically peels potatoes and most vegetables. The design is simple and clever -- though the more irregular the veggie or fruit, the worse the job is. I bought one for my elderly mother, who has problems with her hands. I had to track it down online. I bought spare heads for it.

You need to do a little cleanup after the machine is done, but it does save time.

Besides, those really, really good commercial potato peelers run in the thousands and weigh in at a couple of hundred pounds. Not real practical for two or three spuds.

I bought a juicer, swept up in the craze of the benifites of raw, healthy, tasty juices from fruits and vegetables. It cost me $30. Funny, though, how the TV ads never mentioned the mess you had to clean up afterwards and you needed a toothbrush to scrub out the separator basket.

Then the prep work. Washing, peeling, sectioning up the vegetables. After the juice, the separator clogged up with pulp that resembled loose baby food and you had to messily dump that out frequently.

So, while you could make a healthy, often tasty veggie and fruit drink in about 15 minutes, from start to finish, it took about an hour. (Any particles of veggies or fruit left in the separator basket rots quickly, so you need to clean it carefully.)

Mine had the grinding teeth in the bottom of the separator basket and used centrifugal force to separate pulp from juice. Eventually, the teeth dulled. They were not replaceable. Cleaning the thing got interesting for your bare fingers also.

A recipe book usually came with the juicer -- which told you that fresh juice, unlike pasteurized, apparently starts going bad as soon as it is made, so you need to add some lemon juice to the mix and refrigerate any not consumed for breakfast.

Still, pulp from celery, carrots, string beans and lettuce could be frozen and added as fiber to soups and stews. Fruit pulp could be cooked. The juices were not bad -- provided you didn't mind the 'earthy' taste. (Earthy meaning dirt.) Nor the fact that anything you placed in the fridge separated over time.

I liked the celery, apple, ginger, carrot blend. Tasty! A tad too much ginger though and you burned the skin off your tongue. garlic and onions are not wisely juiced. Their pungent flavor seems to magnify afterwards.

On TV, the Pitchmen made it seem so easy! Especially the $120 version. They waxed nearly poetic over the benifites and ease.

I haven't used mine in a few years. I got tired of having to take an hour for just a water glass of juice and then having to break the machine down into pieces and clean each part by hand.

Oh, yeah. Those $30 juicers? The motors burn out rather fast. Then you toss the whole thing out and buy a new one.

Yeah, whoever said 'There's a sucker born every minute' wasn't wrong. (It wasn't P. T. Barnum either.)

I'm considering getting that 'sound amplifier' for my Mom, that looks like a blue tooth cell phone thingie. Of course, no one has mentioned that it amplifies EVERY OTHER SOUND in the vicinity, concentrating on just extolling how it'll help old folks hear the TV and conversations better.

Anyone recall the spray-on window tint? I don't know if anyone who used it who ever managed to get it to go on evenly or not run.

One of the sexual enhancement ads has a panel of lovely, young women who all agree that larger is better -- so buy their product. One girl mentioned that she's never found anything too large. I started thinking about baseball bats and sewer pipes.

Too bad. She was real cute.
 
2009-01-05 09:21:30 PM  

filth: UberDave: filth: UberDave: I would pay $199.95 to see someone kick Billy Mays in the voice box...

Fark you! Billy Mays is an underappreciated genius. He could read the phonebook, and i would find it amusing.


Interestingly enough, I have a video of Billy Mays reading the phone book. It can be yours for five easy payments of $59.95...

Sold. Paypal?

BKITU: filth: ark you! Billy Mays is an underappreciated genius. He could read the phonebook, and i would find it amusing.

BILLY MAYS HERE FOR THE WHITE PAGES! LOOK, ARE YOU TIRED OF SEARCHING THROUGH COUNTLESS ROLODEX CARDS LOOKING FOR PHONE NUMBERS? TIRED OF LOOKING THROUGH COMPUTER FILES, PAPER FILES, EVEN THROUGH OLD MATCHBOOK COVERS OR BUSINESS CARDS? WELL THEN LOOK NO MORE!

WITH THE WHITE PAGES YOU GET MEN'S NAMES! WOMEN'S NAMES! YOUNG PEOPLE'S NAMES! SENIOR CITIZEN'S NAMES! EVEN FOREIGN NAMES! AND IT'S ALL ARRANGED ALPHABETICALLY! WHAT COULD BE EASIER?

AND IF YOU CALL RIGHT NOW, IN ADDITION TO THE WHITE PAGES, WE'LL INCLUDE THE YELLOW PAGES ABSOLUTELY FREE! HUNDREDS UPON HUNDREDS OF PAGES OF NAMES AND NUMBERS OF BUSINESSES YOU WANT TO TALK TO, ALSO ARRANGED ALPHABETICALLY BY BUSINESS TYPE! YOU WANT A CHINESE TAKE OUT? BOOM! RIGHT THERE! YOU NEED A PROCTOLOGIST? BAM! HERE'S A DOZEN OF THEM RIGHT AT YOUR FINGERTIPS... AND THIS BOOK IS AVAILABLE AT NO ADDITIONAL COST TO YOU!

AND IF YOU CALL IN THE NEXT TEN MINUTES, WE'LL ALSO INCLUDE THE GOVERNMENT PAGES! THAT'S RIGHT, RIGHT AT THE BEGINNING OF THE BOOK, YOU'LL GET A COMPLETE LIST OF GOVERNMENT SERVICE PHONE NUMBERS -- FEDERAL, STATE, AND LOCAL! -- WITHOUT THE EMBARRASSMENT OF ACCIDENTALLY CALLING 9-1-1 FOR NON-EMERGENCIES!

SO RIGHT AT YOUR DOOR, YOU GET THE WHITE PAGES, THE YELLOW PAGES, AND THE GOVERNMENT PAGES! A $199 VALUE, FOR ONLY $19.95 PLUS SHIPPING! CALL NOW!

I laughed almost as hard as I would have if I'd heard this live.


I can't stand that Billy Mays Hays guy because he's sitting there shouting at you. Here I am in my own house, and this random asshole is on the TV yelling at me. There's no need to yell.

And who the hell is he supposed to be? He says his name like it's supposed to mean something. At first I thought he was the shaggy sidekick from the Tim the Toolman Taylor show, but it turns out he isn't. He's just some guy who likes to yell. He makes Samuel L Jackson seem understated.
 
2009-01-05 09:23:57 PM  
The mute button is your friend. No...I take that back. The "off" button is your friend...
 
2009-01-05 09:24:53 PM  
Kinda late to the party but I recently noticed that

Vince = Popeye
Billy Mays = Bluto
 
2009-01-05 09:25:09 PM  

Grey Street: If I stabbed Billy Mays in the larynx, there isn't a jury in the world that would convict me.


The jury selection would be hell. You'd have to find someone in the Sudan and countries without electricity to not have heard his yammering.
 
2009-01-05 09:25:22 PM  

xtremdelt: "You're going to love my nuts"


I cant post this inline. I really dont want the time out.

But, you know.. someone else can.

Link(new window)

Same as the earlier "HOLY FARKING shiat: Aidsvertising upthread.. but for the slapchop
 
2009-01-05 09:25:43 PM  

The Mad Highlander: Blues_X: I was just thinking that I'd still have to take off the Snuggie to go pee.

New! From the makers of Snuggie comes the new Snuggie with Peehole attachment for men!

No more cold yambag for me!


It's a Penis Gourd for cold weather?
 
2009-01-05 09:25:53 PM  

Live After Death: Back in the day, my dad has this thing called a snugsack. It was a sleeping bag that you could zip alf-way up and then the rest of it folded into sleeves. But there was no way you could answer the phone in that thing. My, to think how far technology has come.


OHMYGOD, I have a snugsack! And you most certainly can answer the phone in it...provided the phone is sitting right next to you. Otherwise, you have to hop, like you're in the sack race of your life.
 
2009-01-05 09:26:07 PM  
Also a wildlife rehabber - the Shamwow is NOT chewable. Repeat....NOT CHEWABLE!
 
2009-01-05 09:27:15 PM  
YOU GET IT ALL AN $80 VALUE FOR ONLY $19.99 AND A FREE CREASPER.

IM BILLY FARKING MAYS.
 
2009-01-05 09:27:38 PM  

Rik01: I hate these darn infomercials, even the new 'mini' ones. One girl mentioned that she's never found anything too large. I started thinking about baseball bats and sewer pipes.

Too bad. She was real cute.


There. That's much easier to read.
 
2009-01-05 09:27:55 PM  
This is probably the greatest Fark thread I've read since the Obama = meme and the VP debate meme from a few months ago.


Carry on.
 
2009-01-05 09:28:31 PM  

fanbladesaresharp: Grey Street: If I stabbed Billy Mays in the larynx, there isn't a jury in the world that would convict me.

The jury selection would be hell. You'd have to find someone in the Sudan and countries without electricity to not have heard his yammering.


Is this an appropriate threadjack for how much I hate the new Burger King commercials? "We've violated the only people left who haven't been tainted by fast food and commercialism" No wonder they prefer seal meat
 
2009-01-05 09:29:06 PM  

TedSallis: Kinda late to the party but I recently noticed that

Vince = Popeye
Billy Mays = Bluto


You're either thinking about this too hard or not hard enough. Or both.
 
2009-01-05 09:29:20 PM  
Billy Mays is a major league douchebag
 
2009-01-05 09:29:33 PM  
I have a picture I took with Billy Mays back in '02 or '03 when I went to a vendor fair with the company I worked for. I'll have to dig it up. He seemed douchey, and posed with me with that stupid "thumbs up" thing he does. Meh.
 
2009-01-05 09:30:28 PM  

The Noble Rot: Also a wildlife rehabber - the Shamwow is NOT chewable. Repeat....NOT CHEWABLE!


This!
 
2009-01-05 09:31:06 PM  

Rik01: I hate these darn infomercials, even the new 'mini' ones.
...


For someone who hates informerical stuff you buy a lot of informercial stuff.
 
2009-01-05 09:31:29 PM  

Ow My Balls: The mute button is your friend. No...I take that back. The "off" button is your friend...


Oh, now you went and did it. You talked bad about da tebelision!
 
2009-01-05 09:32:38 PM  

UberDave: I would pay $199.95 to see someone kick Billy Mays in the voice box...


or yambag
 
2009-01-05 09:32:56 PM  
I want to know what the lady in the Snuggies commercial is knitting. Doesn't her Snuggies provide enough warmth for her liking? Or is she working on some cool belt to accessorize her Snuggies?
 
2009-01-05 09:34:11 PM  
The cult of shamwow...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y4OxmXpKCcI
 
2009-01-05 09:35:29 PM  
Came for the Ronco Turnip Twaddler, and waddled away sadly smelling slightly of pickled herring.
 
2009-01-05 09:36:44 PM  

Bucky Katt: UberDave: I would pay $199.95 to see someone kick Billy Mays in the voice box...

or yambag


I've added three new words to my vocabulary because of Fark. Twatwaffle, taardvaark and yambag.


God DAMN this thread is hilarious.
 
2009-01-05 09:37:14 PM  

Bucky Katt: UberDave: I would pay $199.95 to see someone kick Billy Mays in the voice box...

or yambag


I have a feeling in my yambag that yambag is the only thing I'm going to take from this thread.

Other than that decapitated Vince. That's my new MSN pic.
 
2009-01-05 09:37:35 PM  

Babbs: I have a picture I took with Billy Mays back in '02 or '03 when I went to a vendor fair with the company I worked for. I'll have to dig it up. He seemed douchey, and posed with me with that stupid "thumbs up" thing he does. Meh.


There was an interview with Billy in the Wash Post not tooooo long ago, where he said that he was actually quiet and that was his persona. So..stop shouting. Was going to link it, but they have their "registration" issue

I'm Cool like that
 
2009-01-05 09:37:35 PM  
What about the father of the TV snakeoil salesmen?

Ron Popeil

msnbcmedia1.msn.com
 
2009-01-05 09:37:52 PM  
Just had to be a part of the best thread in months, that's all.
 
2009-01-05 09:38:42 PM  
www.tvproductsandmore.com

This infomercial is fun to play "Dead or Gay" with.

When someone comes on the screen, you get a point if you identify them as dead or gay.

Extra points if you know how they died or what other weird thing they were famous for.

tbn0.google.com "Dead!" tbn1.google.com "Gay!" tbn0.google.com "Sandwich!" tbn2.google.com "Skiied into a tree!"

tbn2.google.com "New liver!" "Melissa Etheridge's turkey baster!"

tbn3.google.com "No sandwich!"

etc.
 
2009-01-05 09:39:46 PM  
I am little sad this thread is starting to wind down.

/Best thread in a long time.
//I haven't laughed this much through a thread.
 
2009-01-05 09:40:02 PM  
i43.tinypic.com
 
2009-01-05 09:40:03 PM  
http://www.infomercialscams.com
This site makes for some good reading. I am always amused by the people's surprise that their "free" Video professor disk ended up costing them $700 in credit card charges. These scams will stop when people stop calling in (in the next 10 minutes) and giving them their credit card info. Find an As Seen on TV store if you must buy a Magic Bullet, of course they don't have ExtenZe at those stores.


Mine from a previous thread:
Jan 4th, 2009; somewhere in W. Virginia...tucked under a Snuggie blanket emblazoned with Princess Diana and a Cocker Spaniel, Lurleen Dixie-Lynn McGee arouses from a midday slumber and peers at the Zenith through a thick layer of Green Goddess Avon mascara. The flickering tube shows its age as the lines flow upward across the screen. Its pattern partially obscured by the think haze of smoke from the Pall Mall, smoldering lazily in the overflowing Strom Thurmond Memorial ashtray. Her gaze sharpens on the screen as she eyes her newest prize, the Barack Hussein Obama full color coin.

She thinks of the recent mocking at the hands of her neighbor Claudell, who just last week was showing off her new 9-11 silver dollar. With the numbers 9 and 11, adding up to the full $20 in authentic Liberian currency. For a moment, she stings with the pain of knowing she had placed her order too late, and that the biggest honor she could give her country was meaningless compared to Claudell's, who had called a day before her and received a bill numbered 2614, a full 300 before hers.

She knows now that she will finally be able to show Claudell and Debbie Farking Harris down the street that she is just as patriotic as they are. She passes a glance around her doublewide and makes a note of her treasures. Her gaze takes in her Dale Earnhardt plates, her replica swords with a dragon on the blade, her mini fountain of frolicking dolphins and a playful mermaid, her John Wayne dagger with his picture pained on the handle, the 18" genuine replica Indian dream catcher, and her most beloved memento, the 9-11 gold coin with the genuine silver plated pop-up WTC towers in the Limited Edition Oak Frame. Her heart swells with pride at her many purchases. She knows at this moment what it truly means to be American. And chokes back a sob as she anticipates the look on Debbie Farking Harris' face when she shows her her Limited Edition Barack Obama Color Coin and Genuine Kennedy 1/2 Dollar with President-Elect Obama's image painted on it in full color.

She hums a Toby Keith song as she grabs her billfold off the TV tray next to her and begins to dial.
 
2009-01-05 09:40:06 PM  
I'm Billy Mays, and for $19.95, you can kick me in the yambag!

But wait, if you call within the next ten minutes, I'll let you kick me in the voicebox as well!
 
2009-01-05 09:42:49 PM  

FigPucker: Came for the Ronco Turnip Twaddler, and waddled away sadly smelling slightly of pickled herring.


You know what covers that up, Opus? A wipe with a Shamwow, and some time in front of the electric Amish fireplace wrapped in a snuggie, reading by the light of your booklight
 
2009-01-05 09:42:50 PM  
Worst idea for a Sold-on-TV product name: Moolee Master
 
2009-01-05 09:43:56 PM  
I'd rather beat him to a pulp with the dismembered torso of Matthew Lesko, but that's just me.
 
2009-01-05 09:43:58 PM  

Stompn_Tom: I just want to know who spends $20 a month on paper towels?


I do, but then again I use paper towels for everything: after taking a shower, drying off the car after I wash it, sopping up the dew from my lawn on Spring mornings, everything.
 
2009-01-05 09:44:00 PM  
img222.imageshack.us

just add a hood their perfect for kkk meetings
img390.imageshack.us
 
2009-01-05 09:44:45 PM  
I need a Pocketninja paragraph right now
 
2009-01-05 09:45:37 PM  
I have the Magic Bullet... It is great for the drinks, the rest is bullshiat. For some odd reason I would be magically drawn to the 30 minute infomercial. I would watch it over and over... and I don't know why. The MB just kicks the shiat out of everything and liquifies it.

I also have the ultimate chopper. Chef Tony Rocks! Of the two, the UC works well. Used it to make bourbon balls this year...

\100 proof wild turkey rare breed... hee hee
\\use the chopper for the vanilla wafers and pecans
\\\slashirific and POTENT
 
2009-01-05 09:46:01 PM  
Wow, this thread has everything!

+ 1,000,000 for subby.
 
2009-01-05 09:48:32 PM  

IXI Jim IXI: I'm Billy Mays, and for $19.95, you can kick me in the yambag!

But wait, if you call within the next ten minutes, I'll let you kick me in the voicebox as well!


F**er I called. They're telling me that, as much as they want it, that's not the special.

What the hell am I going to do with 10 Amish fireplaces?
 
2009-01-05 09:49:40 PM  

mesohorny: just add a hood their perfect for kkk meetings


Even without, it looks like a bunch of people set to go to the monestary...
 
2009-01-05 09:50:15 PM  

SharkInfested: What the hell am I going to do with 10 Amish fireplaces?


Those are bound to come in handy at the next barn raising.
 
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