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Headlines of the week, 12/8 through 12/14: autism, magnet swallowing, Greece fires, and a little dig at Boston because we never forgot 1/31/07. Bonus: Drew explains why there's so much SEX in the news lately 
Posted by Drew at 2008-12-15 1:22:38 PM, edited 2009-01-19 3:46:47 AM (35 comments) | Permalink
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9194 clicks; posted to Main » on 15 Dec 2008 at 2:01 PM (6 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



It's Not Fark It's News: I'm happy to say that, for two weeks in a row now, pretty much nothing is going on. You can expect all of MSM's available bandwidth to get eaten up by "9/11 but with Shoes" through at least Wednesday, maybe til the end of the week. Everyone's just biding time until xmas break starts and we can go straight to nonstop canned articles.

Speaking of which, today's seasonal canned article would like to remind us that it is the USPS Busiest Day of the Year. I can't imagine many people even read it, pretty much all the content exists in the tagline. It's the Post Office, it's busy. The rest of the article has to just be on-the-spot interviews and a quick look at the article confirms this.

Last week, you may have noticed a huge uptick in two types of articles: articles about sex, and unnecessary slide shows without thumbnails. Most media outlets have end of year traffic quotas on their sites. Normally the quotas are used to determine end of year bonuses. However in a layoff-happy business climate (coupled with an endless downturn in media income), end of year traffic quotas quickly become an excuse to eliminate positions if the quota isn't hit.

The solution: run articles that people click the hell out of -- and nothing drives the clicks quite like sex and slideshows. If you can combine the two, even better. I started compiling a list of sex articles Friday afternoon and within an hour found the following examples:

New Scientist: Fertile women easier to hit on AND are daughters in law to blame for menopause

Fox News: Firstborns more likely to be virgins longer AND 4 common drugs that sabotage your sex life

IndyStar: Meet the woman who works at the Indy Sex Institute

Everyone: teens share cellphone sex photos AND Jennifer Aniston poses in nothing but a tie (slideshow) (Google for your own links)

There are a ton more today, including such gems as Former pornstar quits job as lunch lady AND Teenager sends 20 nude photos to friends

One final note: were also starting to see the first "TOP [ARBITRARILY CHOSEN X] OF 2008" articles rolling in. Expect a ton of those mixed in with articles about sex, slideshows, and canned seasonal pieces.


Headlines of the Week, December 8 - December 14, 2008

New study finds magnet-swallowing is linked to autism. Was previously considered a bipolar disorder [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

Baker trapped in lift for 13 hours -- for anyone else it would've only been 12 [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

Cardboard warehouse on fire. Perhaps not the best choice in building materials [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

Truman man wanted for soliciting boy for sex. The only question is when we find him, Dewey beat him? [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

Giant garlic cloud engulfs the south of England: Things haven't been this bad since the French invaded in 1066 [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

Boston parking offenders can now pay their tickets with toys... NO LITE-BRITES [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

Teacher tells children the truth about Santa Claus. (Warning: spoiler in article) [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

China introduces "pyjama police" to crack down on people wearing nightgowns on the street. That's laceist [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

Riots, arson continues in Athens. Doesn't anybody know how to put out a Greece fire? [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

One-fifth of the world's coral is already dead. That's quite atoll [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

Report: Cancer to be world's top killer by 2010. Subby happy he's a Leo [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

Top Headline for each tab:

Sports:
C.C. Sabathia agrees to deal with Yankees as there is no way he could turn down a team with over 140 million years of tradition [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

Titans DT Albert Haynesworth received 30 days of probation and paid a $1,000 fine for a speeding ticket he received in March for going 103 mph. In other news, there is a car that has enough power to go 103 mph with Albert Haynesworth in it

Playing tailback for the Denver Broncos is a lot like playing drums for Spinal tap [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

Geek:
Dimmest twin stars ever discovered. Surprisingly, not an article about Mary-Kate and Ashley [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

Much like a middle-aged businessman on a Tokyo train, happiness rubs off on others [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

The first cow says, "Artificial insemination? I don't believe it." The second cow says, "It's true. Straight up. No bull." [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

Showbiz:
Company to auction off the boat that inspired "Jaws." You're gonna need a bigger bid [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

Festivus pole to be displayed at Washington capitol. Let the airing of the grievances begin [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

Michael Jackson dissappointed to learn baby shower doesn't mean what he thinks it means [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

Politics:
Israel wants to snip the tip off of the West Bank in peace deal [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

Kucinich: It's "unfair and insane" that Obama hasn't put him in the cabinet. Fark: It's "unfair and insane" that Kucinich ended up with Mrs. Kucinich [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

Illinoje Gojevernor Rod Blagojevich arrestjevid jon federlag corruptigojn chlargesich [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

Business:
3M sends 1800 employees pink post-it notes [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

Krispy Kreme loss widens in 3rd quarter, hindquarter [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

Sony makes 8000 walk, man [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]
· · ·
(view entire blog)


35 Comments   (+0 »)
   
 
2008-12-15 01:48:44 PM  
Here you go, everybody.
 
2008-12-15 02:04:25 PM  
img.photobucket.com
 
2008-12-15 02:07:23 PM  
Teacher tells children the truth about Santa Claus. (Warning: spoiler in article)

I thought "Headlines of the week" were supposed to stand on their own.
 
2008-12-15 02:08:11 PM  
We need Fireman Bill from Boston to tell us about 1-31-07
 
2008-12-15 02:09:06 PM  
LandOfChocolate: I thought "Headlines of the week" were supposed to stand on their own.

It was the spoiler warning that made it funny
 
2008-12-15 02:10:12 PM  
hardinparamedic: We need Fireman Bill from Boston to tell us about 1-31-07

I think you mean Fire Marshall Bill.
 
2008-12-15 02:14:47 PM  
What, no "YOU: gun may have for me, BUT I : HABE PIZZA FOR YOU HA"?
 
2008-12-15 02:16:34 PM  
Unfreakable: It was the spoiler warning that made it funny

Well that went right over my head. I've now outed myself as an idiot again. Thankfully, this thread is empty
 
2008-12-15 02:16:59 PM  
Drew has gotten to be quite the media maven, hm?
 
2008-12-15 02:17:36 PM  
taoistlumberjak: YOU: gun may have for me, BUT I : HABE PIZZA FOR YOU HA

I still want to know - am I missing out on something, or is it just really that awesome?
 
2008-12-15 02:18:41 PM  
LandOfChocolate: Well that went right over my head. I've now outed myself as an idiot again. Thankfully, this thread is empty

No cause for shame, it's actually really subtle.
 
2008-12-15 02:19:06 PM  
taoistlumberjak: What, no "YOU: gun may have for me, BUT I : HABE PIZZA FOR YOU HA"?

I can't believe this is not on there. A travesty.
 
2008-12-15 02:22:44 PM  
I liked "Japanese schoolgirl finds 130 million-year-old fossil, sells it her underwear".

The headline that is, not Japanese schoolgirl underwear.
 
2008-12-15 02:22:52 PM  
Good headlines to resume in 3, 2, 1, ...
 
2008-12-15 02:27:04 PM  
i'll say it again RE: swallowing magnets... doing it all wrong: BURY magnets; SWALLOW the rapture.
 
2008-12-15 02:28:37 PM  
I've still got my hopes up for Prince Fielder gets the money shot for headline of the year.
 
2008-12-15 02:29:58 PM  
Once again, my brilliant: "Hey TFers, hard drive trouble DIT if needed LGN" thread was snubbed.

I know now how Christopher Nolan must feel.
 
2008-12-15 02:33:40 PM  
oldweevil: taoistlumberjak: What, no "YOU: gun may have for me, BUT I : HABE PIZZA FOR YOU HA"?

I can't believe this is not on there. A travesty.


Came here to say that. Headline of the year-worthy.
 
2008-12-15 02:34:07 PM  
I know it's probably been posted someplace, but when is HOTY coming out? Will it get pinned to the top of the page for a day or two?
 
2008-12-15 02:34:41 PM  
Whoo hoo, got one.
 
2008-12-15 02:36:49 PM  
Dumle: oldweevil: taoistlumberjak: What, no "YOU: gun may have for me, BUT I : HABE PIZZA FOR YOU HA"?

I can't believe this is not on there. A travesty.

Came here to say that. Headline of the year-worthy.


Can someone explain this please?
 
2008-12-15 02:38:36 PM  
Schadenfreude ist die schoenste Freude: Whoo hoo, got one.

Congrats :) Which one was yours?
 
2008-12-15 02:40:58 PM  
I can't wait for the "Top 10 Top 10 Sex Article Slideshows of '08"
 
2008-12-15 02:41:52 PM  
DammitIForgotMyLogin: Schadenfreude ist die schoenste Freude: Whoo hoo, got one.

Congrats :) Which one was yours?


The Jacko one in the Showbiz tab.

Didn't get a Main one this time :(
 
2008-12-15 02:42:34 PM  
xebeche_tzu: Can someone explain this please?

Alcohol.

There, explained.
 
2008-12-15 02:43:15 PM  
Schadenfreude ist die schoenste Freude: DammitIForgotMyLogin: Schadenfreude ist die schoenste Freude: Whoo hoo, got one.

Congrats :) Which one was yours?

The Jacko one in the Showbiz tab.

Didn't get a Main one this time :(


I have to admit, that was one of the ones which made me laugh, a lot.


/responsible for the Chinese Pyjamas and Tokyo businessman headlines
 
2008-12-15 02:45:12 PM  
I liked my Macaulay Culkin headline.

But i guess i still need to recalibrate. or quit so biased.
 
2008-12-15 02:49:17 PM  
Demetrius: I know it's probably been posted someplace, but when is HOTY coming out? Will it get pinned to the top of the page for a day or two?

HOTY and HOTW should be it's own tab
 
2008-12-15 02:50:52 PM  
burndtdan: Demetrius: I know it's probably been posted someplace, but when is HOTY coming out? Will it get pinned to the top of the page for a day or two?

HOTY and HOTW should be it's own tab


i271.photobucket.com
 
2008-12-15 02:54:01 PM  
DammitIForgotMyLogin: Schadenfreude ist die schoenste Freude: DammitIForgotMyLogin: Schadenfreude ist die schoenste Freude: Whoo hoo, got one.

Congrats :) Which one was yours?

The Jacko one in the Showbiz tab.

Didn't get a Main one this time :(

I have to admit, that was one of the ones which made me laugh, a lot.


/responsible for the Chinese Pyjamas and Tokyo businessman headlines


Hahaha, I loved that one. Bravo.

I really hope my Palin headline is in the running for HOTY, but it didn't make the HOTW that week, so I doubt it. Probably too offensive, even if it did get 500+ comments and near 100 votes.

[Main] "Obama tax plan will retard growth, job creation" as opposed to Palin's plan of job growth and retard creation (new window)
 
2008-12-15 03:05:28 PM  
This is a clear-cut case of the man keeping down the YOU: gun may have for me, BUT I : HABE PIZZA FOR YOU HA minority.
 
2008-12-15 03:07:21 PM  
no "waka waka waka..... Bwoo woo woo woop"? That headline was all kinds of awesome
 
2008-12-15 03:48:26 PM  
Sweet, got two.
 
2008-12-15 09:01:39 PM  
Read Drew's HOTW intro, and heard the "busiest day of the year" story not ten minutes later. I tip my hat to you; you know the news business better than I do.
 
2008-12-16 09:28:52 AM  
Sarcastica75 2008-12-15 02:27:04 PM
i'll say it again RE: swallowing magnets... doing it all wrong: BURY magnets; SWALLOW the rapture.


Nice. I'm Proud. Miles Standish proud.
 
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